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Original poster

How to get over trauma of online dating

274 replies

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 12:54

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

You sound exactly like me and I had a baby with one of these guys 😫

Counselling helps xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 12:57

Traumaonline · 11/10/2023 08:21

but YOU invested time into them

healthy bit of victim blaming here

women seem to love to highlight their role in being treated badly and abused

mens shit behaviour is entirely down to them

yes women must exercise caution but it’s down to men really in these situations

online dating is indeed horrific

and mens behaviour generally is self serving and nasty

Well done for standing up for yourself here op I agree with you. Only time will tell with men if they'll work out to be nice or nasty in the long term and the fact these relationships ended rather than you staying in them miserably because you are desperate to have a husband is a good thing

You sound like someone I'd love to be pals with!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 12:58

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 08:30

I’m really not victim blaming and sorry if it landed that way

but I don’t like this stance of all men are xxx

im old enough and ugly enough to see that generally all (all !) the tricky men I’ve dated showed their colours early

but I stuck in there , had kids with one !

I’d rather have hope that maybe I’ll meet someone nice versus

all bastards ! Don’t bother !

All men over 35 on online dating are...

Would be basically accurate.

Op at the risk of sounding like Andrew gate you might be better off going younger and finding someone more mountable than these aging playboys stuck in their ways

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 12:59

ActDottie · 11/10/2023 09:08

My advice is to be less proactive in meeting someone. When I met my husband I’d come out of a 2 year relationship and was adamant I was going to play it cool and be single for a bit.

Then I met my husband unexpectedly and 10 years later we’re still together and expecting a baby.

I genuinely think if you focus on other things in your life like career and friendships for a bit it takes the pressure off finding someone and then you find the perfect person unexpectedly.

I disageee with this it happens sometimes but is rare. Nearly Every wedding I've been to in he last 10 years he couple met online. Unless you regularly have hobbies and socialize with new men it's hard to meet them

beastlyslumber · 14/10/2023 14:01

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 12:58

All men over 35 on online dating are...

Would be basically accurate.

Op at the risk of sounding like Andrew gate you might be better off going younger and finding someone more mountable than these aging playboys stuck in their ways

Show quote history

Definitely look for someone mountable! It's one of my top 5 criteria!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 14:17

@beastlyslumber 😂😂😂
I meant mouldable if that's even a word but I agree mountable is more important (and also easier to find in younger guys)

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 14:25

Last night I went to sell a lawnmower on FB Marketplace and the creeps that responded were so dodgy I decided to give it to charity instead.

Wouldn't want to encounter them just to make a few quid on the mower; all were rude, one berated me and swore when i said it was "sold," and i was thinking "Can only imagine how these wasters act on OLD sites." Ugh.

Don't blame you for giving up. What the hell has happened with men?

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 14:28

SamW98 · 12/10/2023 09:07

It’s such a shame now given so many women experience slim pickings and yet huge numbers of men report being lonely and sexless.

As most of us have experienced, maybe the issue is because so many of the men online have no idea how to speak to women without coming across as absolutely desperate for sex.

Personally and in the experience of most of my female friends, we get messages that are sexual from the get go mentioning our breasts, asking about our underwear, being given crude sexist cheap compliments and being asked about sex. And this is often the opening message!

I don’t expect a deep meaningful introduction but at least some effort to show they want more than a quick shag would be nice sometimes.

Edited

You really wonder how these men were raised. Wtf happened in the last 30-40 years, that such a huge percentage are juvenile, self-centered, entitled and boorish?

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 21:29

Online dating really is the pits. I just received this as a first message from a 48 year old man who appears normal looking at his pictures and profile:

Just dribbling over your pics! Wow

I'm pretty sure he would have sent the same nonsense to hundreds of women to see who bites. Ugh!

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 21:31

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 21:29

Online dating really is the pits. I just received this as a first message from a 48 year old man who appears normal looking at his pictures and profile:

Just dribbling over your pics! Wow

I'm pretty sure he would have sent the same nonsense to hundreds of women to see who bites. Ugh!

Disgusting!
I'd write back something along the lines of "oh, sorry, I thought I was communicating with an adult." (probably someone here can state that in a more witty manner).

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 21:34

@LaurieStrode I've not had any other messages with this man at all! We've matched and this is the first message I received copy and pasted word for word Confused

Newstarterafteryears · 14/10/2023 21:57

I'm 44 amount of guys in 20s interested is huge. 30s/40s not interested in me. 50s/60s again large amant messaging me. What is wrong? I look younger for my age.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:40

Newstarterafteryears · 14/10/2023 21:57

I'm 44 amount of guys in 20s interested is huge. 30s/40s not interested in me. 50s/60s again large amant messaging me. What is wrong? I look younger for my age.

They want an experienced milf and also someone who won't be desperate to marry them because her body clock is about to run out

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:41

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 14:25

Last night I went to sell a lawnmower on FB Marketplace and the creeps that responded were so dodgy I decided to give it to charity instead.

Wouldn't want to encounter them just to make a few quid on the mower; all were rude, one berated me and swore when i said it was "sold," and i was thinking "Can only imagine how these wasters act on OLD sites." Ugh.

Don't blame you for giving up. What the hell has happened with men?

Yes!
I had the same giving away a mattress - some guy said he was going to come (to collect it) kept repeating it till it changed to come at your house I'll be coming soon etc etc. 🤮🤮🤮 felt so creeped out that this guy knew where I lived

Newstarterafteryears · 14/10/2023 22:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:40

They want an experienced milf and also someone who won't be desperate to marry them because her body clock is about to run out

Show quote history

I'm aware of that but I was rather thinking that is bad.

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 23:03

Newstarterafteryears · 14/10/2023 21:57

I'm 44 amount of guys in 20s interested is huge. 30s/40s not interested in me. 50s/60s again large amant messaging me. What is wrong? I look younger for my age.

I'm a couple of years younger than you and get the same. On some sites I have set my preference to 40-50, and what I have found is that the younger and older men set their age within 40-50, then put a variation of one of the following messages in their profile to clarify their actual age:

Under 40's with wrong age:

  • Wrong age, don't know how it happened
  • I'm really x age, website won't let me change
  • I'm x age looking for cougar

Over 50's with wrong age also say:

  • I'm x age, yet young at heart
  • I'm x age, but don't look it

The youngest I've had message me so far was 24, the oldest to date was 55.

capabilityfrowns · 14/10/2023 23:59

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 21:29

Online dating really is the pits. I just received this as a first message from a 48 year old man who appears normal looking at his pictures and profile:

Just dribbling over your pics! Wow

I'm pretty sure he would have sent the same nonsense to hundreds of women to see who bites. Ugh!

I'd send a message back with a recommendation for incontinence pads

capabilityfrowns · 15/10/2023 00:01

Funnily enough when I was on match , the nicest guy I ever conversed with was mid 20s .
Of course I couldn't meet him , I was older than his mum . But he was much nicer than all the men 45-55 in my age group .

TootiiFrootii · 15/10/2023 00:37

Stick to only dating people you've met in real life. Say yes to everything, volunteering, work socials, charity runs etc. Ask friends to set you up with friends of friends. Take care of yourself. Travel as much as possible. Have a blast and you'll meet someone great who you'll have a connection with on the way.

capabilityfrowns · 15/10/2023 04:37

I've got over the trauma by buying silver leather cowboy boots , a nice belt , a nice bag and a nice jumper 😂.

And I'm going out with the girls . That's how to get over it .

RantyAnty · 15/10/2023 06:35

WillGT · 12/10/2023 09:09

I have a real world example of just how inflated an ego can become;

I got chatting to a woman on Twitter. She has 20,00 followers & I’d noticed 95% are thirsty men giving her compliments day in day out.

She’s middle aged, academic and around above ave looks and likes to post images of her working out and then her trying on outfits.

Armies of thirsty men give her endless validation. By contrast these men get no such validation.

Anyway, we got chatting & she fell
for me. I don’t know why. But I didn’t really fancy her & I am married (albeit with a serious issue).

I was perplexed: whats wrong with all the men desperately trying to please her. She replied that none were even close to what she needs. None.

This to me is the issue now. Despite there likely being plenty of good men in her friend zone, she rejected them all, but wanted the one guy who doesn’t want her.

I find these modern dynamics fascinating

Nice story. Things that never happened, can be the title for it.

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 07:57

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 21:34

@LaurieStrode I've not had any other messages with this man at all! We've matched and this is the first message I received copy and pasted word for word Confused

Wow,that's even worse! So many vile pigs out there.

halloweenpumpkintime · 15/10/2023 08:34

@Starseeking - A few years ago on POF I had a horrible message from a guy asking how much I charged for sex in vile language. I wouldn't say that my photos were sexy. He just seemed to assume that I was a hooker. That was the worst message I ever had.

I have met some nice guys through online dating though.

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2023 08:36

Oh okay, maybe this is part of why I'm having a bit of a better time than some pp. I'm quite happy to date younger men and I find that the men I'm dating are generally kind, respectful and lovely. But maybe that's the dynamic between older women and younger men? I'm 50. The youngest I've dated is 27. I find I get along well with men in their 30s. But all the 40-something men I've talked to or dated have been a waste of my time.

Not sure if this theory holds up! As I've dated men my own age too - 50% have been awesome, the other 50% toxic horrible cheaters.

So... avoid men in their 40s? I don't know. Again, I think this might all look different for me if I was looking for something serious.

Loubelle70 · 15/10/2023 08:40

NotJustForChristmases · 11/10/2023 15:13

Women dating women online doesn’t seem to be any easier either unfortunately for me… I’ve encountered addictions, eating disorders, and sometimes outright emotional abuse.

I’m nearly at the point of being very pleased to remain unattached. It all seems to be a big headache!

Everyone is out for themselves. It seems we now live in a society where individualism and selfishness reigns supreme and no one really thinks about what they have to offer anyone… supposedly they are to be worshiped by virtue of their very existence.

Edited

Yep