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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get over trauma of online dating

274 replies

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 17/10/2023 19:22

manabouttown

I've been on tinder , POF, bumble , match and elite

I have never ever in 4 years had an opening message as you describe yours . Not once .

What are the chances ! I've had waves, hello, hi, wow you're hot, nice tits, I'd like to get my head between those , blah blah sexy blah, show me your legs in a short skirt, and several variations on the above . Not once have I ever had a coherent, smart, funny or nice opening line from a man whose messaged me first.

Even if I've matched and messaged first the conversation descends into " I'm in bed with no gigs on , lol " like I'd care . It's depressing.

Shimla999 · 17/10/2023 19:54

It's amazing the different experiences we have all had. I've mainly used Ourtime and have had no inappropriate messages. Boring ones, maybe. Basic ones - like 'Hi', 'Hello', 'You're pretty', etc. But I've never had any like the ones @capabilityfrowns mentioned. Some actually go into detail about how we may be compatible and mention their hobbies etc. I suppose it depends on the actual site and the age group. I'm looking at men aged 55-70. What I do get though is men who live very far away but who are retired and ready to move anywhere for the right person! And then others who want to use WhatsApp and ask for your phone number and then disappear from the site soon after - not sure whether they have been reported or what.

capabilityfrowns · 17/10/2023 19:56

I might try our time if it's a little more sedate

SamW98 · 17/10/2023 20:05

Don’t bother with Ourtime it’s dire. I’m 54 and most of the men on there look older than my dad!

I’ve had a couple of chats but although nice guys they were much more pipe and slippers than me and I’m not looking for a man who wants to stay home every weekend cutting the grass.

If I message first I make sure I’ve read the profile and I refer to something they said so it’s clear I’ve actually made an effort.
Each to their own but other than the grubby messages anyone who sends a gif, says hi, you’re gorgeous, pretty lady, very sexy or anything equally cheesy get deleted without reply.

Yes I’ve had some nice messages and some good chats but the majority still turn to them attempting sexual talk after a few days even the ones who I thought I’d carefully screened. I’ve had semi naked photos before we’ve met and the worst was as we were chatting on the phone he started masterbating - this was just during a normal chat about routine stuff 😱

Since I started on OLD at start of the year I’ve only actually had 5 dates, and only 1 of those led to a second.

It’s just such a waste of time and energy

SamW98 · 17/10/2023 20:08

And it seems the nicest messages are from blokes who live miles away. Had a lovely chat with a guy from Leeds and recently a really sweet man in Norfolk when I was there for the weekend
It’s seems the Essex and London lot need to step up

cassiatwenty · 17/10/2023 20:10

@SamW98 Urgh that's awful, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

cassiatwenty · 17/10/2023 20:11

London lot, a bit rude

cassiatwenty · 17/10/2023 20:13

I meant they are a bit rude. I agree that people a bit further away are much more chill and sedate, actually can hold a conversation

capabilityfrowns · 17/10/2023 20:14

That's reminds me of the 20 year old who sent me a voice mail of him wanking on POF 😂.

So our time is full of old men ? I'm 51 and not quite a coffin dodger yet

minieggsandmaltesers · 17/10/2023 20:19

This is the fundamental problem with OLD or any dating.
Men perennially want women 10 years younger (or more) This works up until they are around 55 but then the women stop wanting them.
Women in their late 40s and in their 50s are faced with approaches from elderly men, or they can choose to stay single and invest in their female friendships.
I'm not dating a geriatric thanks. I miss male company but don't need it financially or socially.

Disturbia81 · 17/10/2023 20:30

minieggsandmaltesers · 17/10/2023 20:19

This is the fundamental problem with OLD or any dating.
Men perennially want women 10 years younger (or more) This works up until they are around 55 but then the women stop wanting them.
Women in their late 40s and in their 50s are faced with approaches from elderly men, or they can choose to stay single and invest in their female friendships.
I'm not dating a geriatric thanks. I miss male company but don't need it financially or socially.

I hear about this on here but don't see it much in real life, most are with people their age, and I mean newer couples/second marriages etc.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/10/2023 20:35

Disturbia81

yes same ! I’ve always dated my age or even a few years younger

not my experience either

SamW98 · 17/10/2023 20:35

I agree. I’ve got a great friendship group of lovely single mature women who still want to go out, have fun, go dancing, weekends away, holidays etc and so my social calendar is full to bursting.

Although it would be lovely to meet someone compatible, they would have to add to what I already have not complicate it. And my life is too good to allow myself to get involved with any low effort man who wants a shag buddy.

There was one guy I really clicked with and we went on a few dates but then he decided to tell me something so big it was as an absolute deal breaker - then bombarded me to give him another chance.

After that I must admit I thought ‘what’s the point?’ I’m happy with my life why rock the boat

SamW98 · 17/10/2023 20:39

minieggsandmaltesers · 17/10/2023 20:19

This is the fundamental problem with OLD or any dating.
Men perennially want women 10 years younger (or more) This works up until they are around 55 but then the women stop wanting them.
Women in their late 40s and in their 50s are faced with approaches from elderly men, or they can choose to stay single and invest in their female friendships.
I'm not dating a geriatric thanks. I miss male company but don't need it financially or socially.

I’m 54. I’ve set my age range 50-60 and yet I get messages from men much older. Think oldest one was 77 - that’s a year younger than my mum!

It’s not even that they are old as in years, a lot of men my age (or that’s the age they claim to be) look about a decade older.

Shimla999 · 17/10/2023 21:07

Which sites have you used @SamW98? I have only really used Ourtime and my country's equivalent of Match (I don't live in the UK). But I found the Match site to be worse than Ourtime. I got messages from guys in their 20s there and I really am not interested in dating a guy young enough to be my son! I agree that a lot of the guys on Ourtime look very old, even if they are only in their 50s. You really have had some terrible experiences though.

ManAboutTown · 17/10/2023 23:42

capabilityfrowns · 17/10/2023 19:22

manabouttown

I've been on tinder , POF, bumble , match and elite

I have never ever in 4 years had an opening message as you describe yours . Not once .

What are the chances ! I've had waves, hello, hi, wow you're hot, nice tits, I'd like to get my head between those , blah blah sexy blah, show me your legs in a short skirt, and several variations on the above . Not once have I ever had a coherent, smart, funny or nice opening line from a man whose messaged me first.

Even if I've matched and messaged first the conversation descends into " I'm in bed with no gigs on , lol " like I'd care . It's depressing.

I'm really sorry about that - maybe it's an age thing. Not sure how old you are.

I would be embarrassed and ashamed to write some of the messages I've seen on this thread. Don't get me wrong I don't mind erotic messaging but with someone who I'd been intimate with and enjoyed a close relationship

My only conclusion is that there are blokes out there who think if they send a 100 dick pica out or message about someone's tits then they will get one or two bites and away they go

ManAboutTown · 17/10/2023 23:57

Ok I've I've been out with some friends watching England but came home and opened my OLD inbox. Here's an example...

You are beautiful.🥰 I love your profile. I hope you liked me from the photo 😊. Are you looking for a kind, caring, loving and attentive woman? That's who I am.🌸 Yes, I'm serious about finding a real and divine man. Life is not a game. Emotions are serious, just like a woman's heart. Love is real, true love. You can contact me at [email protected] and there we can get to know you better 😊
I want my last, but greatest love in my life....💖 I will be waiting for your message in my email.

Anyone think that's worth responding to?

capabilityfrowns · 18/10/2023 00:53

Well at least it's not a dick pic , a 20 year olds audio of a wank or someone saying nice dick can't wait to wrap my head round that (substitute for tits and you get the idea )

Which is what women put up with .

Yeah it's a catfish . That was the least of my issues on OLD .

capabilityfrowns · 18/10/2023 01:01

I got talking to a guy who i arranged to meet at a local pub for a drink

He said and I quote - it beat "sitting at home scratching yer fanny. " I mean when you've got such charming charisma on line how could anyone refuse ?

111111111a · 18/10/2023 01:08

ManAboutTown · 17/10/2023 23:57

Ok I've I've been out with some friends watching England but came home and opened my OLD inbox. Here's an example...

You are beautiful.🥰 I love your profile. I hope you liked me from the photo 😊. Are you looking for a kind, caring, loving and attentive woman? That's who I am.🌸 Yes, I'm serious about finding a real and divine man. Life is not a game. Emotions are serious, just like a woman's heart. Love is real, true love. You can contact me at [email protected] and there we can get to know you better 😊
I want my last, but greatest love in my life....💖 I will be waiting for your message in my email.

Anyone think that's worth responding to?

Are you joking?

beastlyslumber · 18/10/2023 01:29

I don't see how complaining about your catfish message is relevant to this thread.

Women here are talking about their traumatic experiences of online dating and trying to support the OP.

Spamming the thread with your stories about how you can't get a real woman interested in your dating profile are kind of off topic.

As you can see, there are loads of women seeking genuine connections with decent men. If you aren't matching with any of them, I suspect that's a you problem.

capabilityfrowns · 18/10/2023 01:36

It easy to just ignore a catfish

It's less easy to dismiss abusive messages, disappointing messages when you've arranged to meet someone, obscene pictures or content .

I found it easy to deal with the kind of message you got there "manabouttown*

You just ignore . It's slightly more disconcerting to
Open a message with an erection or someone wanking . This is what you will not understand. You will not get this type of abuse online because you are a man . Women just see it as part of the online dating experience now because it's almost expected. That's the significance here and that's the difference. How many messages have you had about the size of your penis ? How many obscene or abusive messages have you had ? Do tell.

harerunner · 18/10/2023 03:57

ManAboutTown · 17/10/2023 23:57

Ok I've I've been out with some friends watching England but came home and opened my OLD inbox. Here's an example...

You are beautiful.🥰 I love your profile. I hope you liked me from the photo 😊. Are you looking for a kind, caring, loving and attentive woman? That's who I am.🌸 Yes, I'm serious about finding a real and divine man. Life is not a game. Emotions are serious, just like a woman's heart. Love is real, true love. You can contact me at [email protected] and there we can get to know you better 😊
I want my last, but greatest love in my life....💖 I will be waiting for your message in my email.

Anyone think that's worth responding to?

The problem is either with your dating app of choice or who you're matching with. I was talking to a male friend the other week who has been using Tinder for 8 months on and off and he told me that:

> with one exception, all his matches had been, or appeared to be genuine. He's had 100 or so matches,

> all of the 20 or so women he has met with looked like their photos, many looked better than them! Only in one case did the person look older, and then not significantly so (he still fancied her!)

> he has received no abuse at all - let alone obscene photos/videos - even when he has declined or not pursued dates;

> only one woman cancelled prior to a date, and given the context and future messages etc, he was pretty sure the issue that led to the cancellation was an emergency.

> he's only been "ghosted" in the early phases of Tinder chats after a handful of messages. He's never been ghosted after a date. If a date hasn't wanted to progress things they've always politely told or messaged him so.

> he's had 3 short relationships, none of which developed for various reasons;

For context, he is in a semi-rural location, in his late 40s and matching with women aged 40-50. He only "likes" women with a decent selection of photos, with a good bio, who is looking for a relationship. He's picky...

That's what OLD should be like... and can be like, for men at least. The fact you're not experiencing that indicates there's something wrong with how you're approaching it. He is tall, good-looking, and has a great bio though, so that probably has some bearing on his success.

But, what a world of difference to the average woman's experience on OLD!

capabilityfrowns · 18/10/2023 04:34

How can you say there is something wrong with how women are approaching it when they get unsolicited abuse, obscenities , moments about their body and cheesy pick up lines ? They haven't asked for that . It's just what happens .

Do tell me how to avoid that happening?

SheerLucks · 18/10/2023 04:56

I've dated plenty of men with no money or looks. Men without careers.

OP...I think there's your answer. I don't think you need to walk away from OLD, just maybe raise the bar a bit.