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Original poster

How to get over trauma of online dating

274 replies

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

OP posts:
SheerLucks · 18/10/2023 05:16

A decade ago, before OLD was so popular, a female friend of mine got divorced. She met a good-looking guy in a bar with friends soon after and started dating him, but he turned out to be completely flakey and it didn't last long.

Soon after she bumped into the friend he was with when they first met and they ended up going for a coffee to pick apart what went wrong.

Both guys were recently divorced with children (good jobs) and he knew a lot of guys in their area in the same position, and he basically explained that every guy he knew like that was mostly interested in casual hookups and there were certain bars in the city where there were apparently loads of women in similar situations who were into the same thing. So neither could see the point in looking for a long term relationship.

She did go on to have a successful long term relationship with an old friend, but it seems if that attitude was prevalent then it must have been magnified by OLD.

Newstarterafteryears · 18/10/2023 07:17

I have actually meet somebody on bamble after 4 days but now after all I know I'm anxious what will happen and taking it not serious.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2023 12:17

SheerLucks

I have a therapy that some men (not all ) are hit emotionally by divorce way stronger and harder than women are . ive seen this

so it makes sense they become commitment phobic avoidant who mainly chase sex

on a base level they are scared 😱 of getting hurt

harerunner · 18/10/2023 14:55

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2023 12:17

SheerLucks

I have a therapy that some men (not all ) are hit emotionally by divorce way stronger and harder than women are . ive seen this

so it makes sense they become commitment phobic avoidant who mainly chase sex

on a base level they are scared 😱 of getting hurt

I think you're right. It often women who instigate the separation/divorce so that makes sense.

Original poster
Traumaonline · 18/10/2023 16:56

harerunner men usually do not instigate break ups in my experience. they make the woman do it even if they are the ones wanting out.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 18/10/2023 17:34

Traumaonline · 18/10/2023 16:56

harerunner men usually do not instigate break ups in my experience. they make the woman do it even if they are the ones wanting out.

In my experience men only leave for someone else. Very rarely does a man leave a long term relationship to be on his own.

Original poster
Traumaonline · 18/10/2023 17:48

SamW98 agree

OP posts:
MeWave · 18/10/2023 18:21

Irridescantshimmmer · 11/10/2023 15:51

Give yourself a big break from it OP.

OLD is full of wierdos and missfits who would not normally come into contact with decent women (without online dating) but its too easy now for them to barge their way in and cause undiluted misery.

They can convince you they are genuine but when their actions say the opposite eventually due to the leopard never changing their spots

I have had friends who have had very atrocious experiences which I won't disclose out of respect for their feelings but all women NEED to be careful with OLD due to parasitic men.

100 per cent. One has to remember that most men on OLD are dross. You have to keep high standards to fend off the creeps and deluded and narcissists. Speaking from experience unfortunately. In real life one often gets a quick vibe that helps sort out the food from the bad. Much harder to do on OLD, especially if you’re a fairly “open”’person. You have to keep your wits about you big-time.

capabilityfrowns · 19/10/2023 02:21

Well I wasted £4O on our time which is I can verify a load of dross , I thought it might be a little more polite than the freebies. Won't be renewing that subscription and thank god I only paid for a month .

However had a few nice matches on tinder of all places and a very pleasant conversation with a nice looking guy a little older than me and I think we may have a date .

Now I'm not getting ahead of myself by any means as I'm very very wary now . But maybe there are still polite people out there .

Starseeking · 19/10/2023 07:43

@SamW98

*In my experience men only leave for someone else. Very rarely does a man leave a long-term relationship to be on his own.
*
I agree with the above. My EXDP was convinced that I had met someone else when I left him. He couldn't get his head around the fact that I'd rather be with nobody, than be with him. He was quite content to continue in an unhealthy relationship which would have been damaging in the long-term for the DC.

I read a study a while ago which said something like the happiest women are those who are single by choice, and the happiest men are those who are married, which says it all really!

Starseeking · 19/10/2023 07:51

@MeWave absolutely.

A decent man online dating will be snapped up very quickly. The men I know who did online dating a few years ago (we were all in our mid-thirties then), were those who'd been building up careers to that point, and were now at the stage of wanting to meet a nice woman to settle down and have a family with.

Without exception, all those men were coupled with their now wives within 3 months, and spoke positively about their online experiences. A couple of the ladies who were doing the same are still single now 10 years later, having never been married or in a long-term relationship since.

OLD is like trying to find a needle in a haystack and it can be extremely wearing as a woman, as you now come into contact with those men you'd avoid in a social setting because of their behaviour, but online you don't know they're like that until they display that behaviour. And unfortunately there's a lot of them who don't know how to interact with women in a pleasant manner.

NAMALT before I get jumped on, but the ones who are seem to congregate on all the online dating sites.

Shimla999 · 19/10/2023 07:54

@capabilityfrowns I have only ever used Ourtime when I get a special offer (10% of the normal price) or for free. But my experience is that the vast majority of men who have contacted me are polite. I suppose it really may depend on the area and the age group (in my case 55-69). How old are the men contacting you? Only one guy has been rude to me - he wasn't pleased because I didn't answer his message quickly enough, I think! There are lots of weirdos out there, though, so you do have to be careful.

SamW98 · 19/10/2023 08:37

I found the sleaziest men on POF and Tinder. Hinge has been a waste of time for me and Ourtime there is literally no one that appeals to me.
Bumble seems to be where I get the most attention and I’ve just started on FB dating - though so far I keep seeing friends of friends.

harerunner · 19/10/2023 11:12

I read a study a while ago which said something like the happiest women are those who are single by choice, and the happiest men are those who are married, which says it all really!

And yet it's the women on OLD who generally seem to want marriage (well, long -term commitment)... and the men who want a single life with some no-strings sex thrown in!

Over40Overdating · 19/10/2023 15:30

@harerunner women on dating apps looking for a serious relationship aren’t necessarily single by choice though. Certainly not in the same way as a woman who wants to stay single & have casual relationships.

The men on OLD want the full on girlfriend experience with no strings or commitment in my experience - so are happiest with a foot in both camps.

MeWave · 19/10/2023 18:51

As a woman, I would be happy with the full-on “boyfriend experience” whilst keeping my individuality and personal freedom. What are the chances 😡 😆?

SamW98 · 19/10/2023 19:10

MeWave · 19/10/2023 18:51

As a woman, I would be happy with the full-on “boyfriend experience” whilst keeping my individuality and personal freedom. What are the chances 😡 😆?

Edited

That’s sort of what I want I suppose. I want more than a FWB but I don’t see myself ever wanting to cohabitate again.

Someone to enjoy good times with, nights out, holidays, weekends away but both also having our own space and time to do our own thing.

Thats my ideal but seems an impossible dream.

capabilityfrowns · 19/10/2023 19:24

Well this is weird but

I subscribed to Ourtime . I thought what a waste of money and then , this absolutely beautiful man pops up , we get chatting , we get texting , and for the first time in 18 months I have a date for Monday evening- he's getting a hotel and coming over to
My neck of the woods ! And no sleaze , bit of flirty banter , as soon as I saw him I thought oooooft ! So .
Wish me luck !

MoonbeamsGlittering · 19/10/2023 19:58

@capabilityfrowns Good luck! That sounds awesome so far!

Starseeking · 19/10/2023 20:10

@MeWave @SamW98 That's exactly what I'm looking for as well. Due to being really settled in life, having my own house etc and having young DC (one autistic), I doubt I would move a man into my house any time soon.

I would just like someone nice who's in a similar situation to build a relationship with, which I didn't think was too much to ask for.

SamW98 · 19/10/2023 20:11

@capabilityfrowns

Fantastic! Hope all goes well Monday. Make sure you report back.

Ourtime still like wading through Gods waiting room for me sadly

Starseeking · 19/10/2023 20:11

capabilityfrowns · 19/10/2023 19:24

Well this is weird but

I subscribed to Ourtime . I thought what a waste of money and then , this absolutely beautiful man pops up , we get chatting , we get texting , and for the first time in 18 months I have a date for Monday evening- he's getting a hotel and coming over to
My neck of the woods ! And no sleaze , bit of flirty banter , as soon as I saw him I thought oooooft ! So .
Wish me luck !

Amazing! I really hope it works out 😊😊😊

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 20:19

Yes being together but living apart is the way forward. And can save existing relationships where cohabiting has happened for years. It's just the expense.. But that can be gotten round if sacrifices are made elsewhere. It's worth it to have your own space.

capabilityfrowns · 19/10/2023 23:07

I will certainly report back ! So weird I thought id completely wasted my money on Ourtime but he'd been on match (Ourtime is same company ) and someone had messaged him from Ourtime so he paid £40 to read it and still swiped left , but as soon as I saw him I thought oh hello ! He's absolutely gorgeous. You know when there are just things about someone , the way they stand or their arms or smile ? Very rarely do I see someone and think mmmmmm

But I did. I messaged at stupid o clock thinking he'd maybe read it later and he messaged straight back , we talked for 3 hours and now we're meeting!

Im not daft enough to think anything of it right now but its promising! And if nothing else it's my first date in 18 months. We're going for dinner because he's getting a hotel so where I'd normally suggest coffee or a drink he's travelling to see me so making an evening of it .

God I'm quite looking forward to it .