How to get over trauma of online dating

[Traumaonline]

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

Women dating women online doesn’t seem to be any easier either unfortunately for me… I’ve encountered addictions, eating disorders, and sometimes outright emotional abuse.

I’m nearly at the point of being very pleased to remain unattached. It all seems to be a big headache!

Everyone is out for themselves. It seems we now live in a society where individualism and selfishness reigns supreme and no one really thinks about what they have to offer anyone… supposedly they are to be worshiped by virtue of their very existence.

I've been on and off OLD for 3.5 years and it's awful, with no sign of getting better.

Just had one message from a 53 year old , opening line was about my tits

I've hidden my profile yet again .

I just laughed out loud - not because it’s actually funny but because it’s so predictable from these men.

Im not sure what response they seriously expect? Do women really say ‘oh thank you I love comments about my tits from internet strangers’

Its beyond grim

I know .

He said he'd love to bury his face in them.

I wonder if he expected me to say " well of course ! Here's my address!"

Fucking fools .

Give yourself a big break from it OP.

OLD is full of wierdos and missfits who would not normally come into contact with decent women (without online dating) but its too easy now for them to barge their way in and cause undiluted misery.

They can convince you they are genuine but when their actions say the opposite eventually due to the leopard never changing their spots

I have had friends who have had very atrocious experiences which I won't disclose out of respect for their feelings but all women NEED to be careful with OLD due to parasitic men.

I stopped doing OLD because I found it changed me from a confident, self-assured woman, into someone who constantly worried that I wasn't good enough, who had awful shit thrown at her by men she'd never met.

I deserve more than a dick pic, or abuse for having standards. It took me back to the dark days of my marriage where I put up with abuse because all I wanted was to be wanted.

I'm much happier now, and if I meet a man in the wild then great but I'm enjoying life right now.

Threads like these really make me wonder how the human race will continue, given one half of it is so prone to behaving like utter shitbags.

@capabilityfrowns that is just vile! And honestly, it cannot ever have worked? Like you say, I am utterly certain no woman ever said “brilliant, come on over”? So why do they do it?? It’s just so bloody grim 🤮

I have just had a message from a bloke who looks like he’s been embalmed and I quote

‘yo Sam wow your hot stuff’

Is there any other response other than fuck off?

Give online dating a break for a while. It is best used speradically. I tried It for a year, nice dates, but It can get you down, so use wisely. I don't enjoy It at all.

I think OLD is loads of fun, but I'm not seriously looking for a long term relationship so maybe it's different. I've definitely met a few shitheads, but the vast majority of men I've been on dates with have been absolutely lovely. I like going on dates and meeting new people.

I always recommend Matthew Hussey's videos on dating. He has a great approach and I've used lots of his ideas with great success!

I’ve been reading deeply into the toxicity of online dating, to include numerical studies.

Here are some take-home points:

When surveyed, women rank looks as not so important.

when systematically studied, looks turn out to be the gateway first factor.

Women on average find most men unattractive whereas men have a broader acceptance, well, at least for short term fun

The hottest looking men do expenentionally better than the rest.

This small pool of men have abundance.

Thus many of these become expert manipulators.

Women SAY they ‘just want a nice guy’, but rapidly dismiss most men as they swipe.

Thus women tend to want to up-date beyond their looks level, and remember men will shag almost anything.

So the upshot of all this is women keep selecting the same ‘bad boys’.

Whats the solution; Specifically change your selection method at the moment of swiping past. Pause, look more carefully at the not so instantly attractive guys. Look in your friendzone.

Now all studies show women Will claim looks are not that important but this is to deny Humans are attracted to certain plates of food / animals/ cars / clothes / bakery items. We all like a butterfly over a moth purely based on aesthetics, so denying this most basic driver is pure virtue signalling.

REMEMBER online dating is very much a fast shop window so looks dominate more so that IRL meets

😂😂😂

Women SAY they ‘just want a nice guy’, but rapidly dismiss most men as they swipe.

Because it's a visual medium? And textual, so of course you filter faster than in real life.

Thus women tend to want to up-date beyond their looks level, and remember men will shag almost anything.

And here is the whole thread illustrated. The men aren't looking for a relationship, but for a shag, so no looks don't matter because they aren't planning on having the lights on/it being a long term thing.

This idea that women are lying about looks not being very important, whilst happily shagging the good looking bastards is plain wrong. They're looking for a relationship, and being fooled by the good-looking bastards, because being charming is easier when you're pretty.

Anyway. It's not just online dating - I've been thinking about getting back into it, and looking around at work/men I generally meet long enough to know a little bit, the pickings are scarce, and I'm too old to want to play their puerile games anymore (dick pics from a 50 year old FFS.. )

@WillGT Surely the problem is more how difficult it is to gauge attraction from a photo? I've genuinely fancied the arse off some conventionally unattractive blokes cos they're so damn funny or have a fabulous personality, and I think many women are similar. But you can only discover that by meeting someone in person really.

@MsRosley

yes indeed, when I talk about the top pool of bad boys, they can be attractive physically and /or have great game.

Either way, a big proportion of women are ‘nabbed’ by this small pool of men, quite a chunk of these see dating & conquest as a hobby, with little incentive to settle down.

beastlyslumber

its good to read a more nuanced and positive view

I agree that the process of meeting people is fun
and I’ve definately had more sex than had I not got online !

im also not in the market for a serious and long term partner , and I’m in a large city which helps

Bit im also pausing as I realise I let a lot of boundaries slip , and to my detriment

im not sure if I can face old with boundaries yet !!

It’s such a shame now given so many women experience slim pickings and yet huge numbers of men report being lonely and sexless.

Somehow the thirsty guys with no or few dates, aren’t seen as rich pickings.

A US bank commissioned a survey which predicts 45% of people between 18-45 will be long term single, despite plenty of people to go round.

This new world is very much more entitled than 60 yrs ago when you might chose from a small pool of locals and make a fist of it.

It’s such a shame now given so many women experience slim pickings and yet huge numbers of men report being lonely and sexless.

As most of us have experienced, maybe the issue is because so many of the men online have no idea how to speak to women without coming across as absolutely desperate for sex.

Personally and in the experience of most of my female friends, we get messages that are sexual from the get go mentioning our breasts, asking about our underwear, being given crude sexist cheap compliments and being asked about sex. And this is often the opening message!

I don’t expect a deep meaningful introduction but at least some effort to show they want more than a quick shag would be nice sometimes.

I have a real world example of just how inflated an ego can become;

I got chatting to a woman on Twitter. She has 20,00 followers & I’d noticed 95% are thirsty men giving her compliments day in day out.

She’s middle aged, academic and around above ave looks and likes to post images of her working out and then her trying on outfits.

Armies of thirsty men give her endless validation. By contrast these men get no such validation.

Anyway, we got chatting & she fell
for me. I don’t know why. But I didn’t really fancy her & I am married (albeit with a serious issue).

I was perplexed: whats wrong with all the men desperately trying to please her. She replied that none were even close to what she needs. None.

This to me is the issue now. Despite there likely being plenty of good men in her friend zone, she rejected them all, but wanted the one guy who doesn’t want her.

I find these modern dynamics fascinating

@WillGT happily married yet on a thread where women are talking about online dating and lecturing them on not picking the ‘nice’ guys. 🫥

@Over40Overdating
What compelled you to assume I am happily married? Perhaps I am interested in relationship discussion for a reason

@Traumaonline well my user name probably gives a clue as to my opinion on online dating!

I started in my mid-30s and initially had a lot of fun and interesting experiences. Once I decided to look for a LTR and the pool of men I was dating changed to late 30s - mid 40s, it became a different ball game entirely.

I’ve had a couple of relationships in my 40s from apps and all have ended the same way : a 40 something man claiming to want a serious relationship, staying on the apps whilst getting the girlfriend set-up and then buggering off as soon as a 20 something bites, because ‘why would I settle for someone my own age when I can get younger’. All men who appeared to be decent, kind men who are ‘feminists’.

Last relationship ended because at 43 he is ‘in the prime of dating life‘ and not wasting it when the world is his oyster.

A grey haired man with a paunch and bald spot who wears fleeces and crocs!

You need nerves and self respect of steel to do it for any length of time. I’ve decided not to waste my time and energy on it any more. I’m open to meeting someone IRL but also happy to accept I may not meet anyone now.

I’ve made a real effort to develop different social groups and activities post covid and am doing more now that I ever did when I was dating and happier than I’ve been in a long time!

@WillGT apologies I misread the happily when you said married.
But you are still married and still on a thread about dating.

@Over40Overdating

Yes I’m very interested in modern dating dynamics.

Loads of married people wish to investigate potential new horizons / to try and understand what dating is like these days, as part of contemplating a future.

From what I’ve gleaned, online dating apps are of most benefit to bad boys who research shows get most of the attention