How to get over trauma of online dating

[Traumaonline]

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

beastlyslumber
I’ve also dated quite widely in terms of age
ranging from early 20s to late 50s
and culture and nationality too

im also 50

but I’m also not looking for anything serious either
in fact I’m not looking for anything right now !

But I’m a a bit phobic that as I turn 50 I won’t get any hits anymore !

First message i had was not hi etc...but...'so....(btw i hate 'so' at beginning of a sentence)... what turns you on?" 🥱
I said 'Not people who ask me initially what turns me on'
Geez eh

You will be inundated with likes and matches! Be very picky! The worst possible way to go into dating is with a scarcity mindset. Trust me, there's no shortage of men!

After receiving this opening message today from yet another man I'd never spoken to before:

"Hello. Fancy a shag?"

I've admitted defeat with the online apps, and after 3 months, hundreds of interactions and 8 first dates, I've turned them all off.

Going to keep enjoying my life as it is for the moment, then perhaps start the online apps again in the new year, if I haven't met a nice man in real life by then.

Oh where's willgt now eh . With his men are all nice narrative.

Fucking hilarious.

Well after a weekend away from friends I checked my OLD messages today. Just the usual ‘hi’ and one that just said ‘sort 🔥’

I really do give up. At age 54 I think that’s me done with men forever

@SamW98 Do you think online dating would be more bearable if you still received all those crappy messages but also more nice messages? Like, would it be better to get 1 good message and 10 crappy ones, or 5 good messages and 20 crappy ones? It sounds horrible to have to receive the nasty ones, but maybe it would feel "worth it" if there were more good ones as well.

@capabilityfrowns I think WillGT mentioned previously having had an affair in a different thread. He probably isn't claiming to be nice - maybe he was saying that lots of men are not nice but women want the not-nice men anyway, or something. A bit like people who say "women won't respect a guy who is a pushover or who dotes on them - you have to play hard to get". I think women just want a guy who isn't a pushover but isn't a jerk either, which sounds pretty reasonable, but maybe there seems to be a serious shortage of those for some reason.

It’s not worth it as I feel at my age it doesn't matter how attractive, articulate and together we are as women, we’re pretty much invisible.

Most men my age either chase younger women or want a replacement wife to cook and clean. And the remaining ones just see women as wank fodder. Sounds depressing but that’s my experience.

Maybe after being in a relationship for 25 years I was naive about how painful the dating scene has become. Even pre marriage I never really dated. I had 2 bf’s before him and that’s my whole experience.

I honestly never knew how sleazy it is out there. I just want a quiet life lol

I very occasionally get a sleazy opening message. More often it's just "hi" which is a bit low effort but I usually say "hi" back and see if they can come up with something better. Way more often I get men asking me about my hobby, making a joke, or sometimes saying they like my pics and think I'm gorgeous or lovely or whatever. Which is fine - as long as it doesn't turn into sleazy comments, which it usually doesn't.

Women have these awful experiences all the time with men but I find it's maybe only 5 or 10% of men I match with who need to be immediately unmatched.

I do tend to be selective with my likes and swipes. Photos have to be good, bio has to show some personality, and I never approach them once we've matched, but wait for them to message me. Beyond that, which you're all probably already doing, I don't know what to suggest really. Maybe it's the area you're in? I travel around a lot and definitely some places are more full of low quality men than others.

I think I'm not good for bumble I have basic profile and haven't match with many. I have find lots of profiles like from journal photos of exercising in the gym, on holiday beautiful body or in the sport car. I think this app isn't for me I would rather prefer if men message me first.

Wrong

Read his messages before commenting

He said women bypass the mediocre looking men and we should give them a chance in case they're nice

Try re reading .

Precisely

I don't know why we're not allowed to say it but there is some very self-serving male behaviour online.

Just because you matched like you owe them messages, private number, ACCOMODATING them yet again as if it's your job to be nice and self-sacrificing.

So glad I don't have to put up with this tripe on MN.

Apparently now we do put up with this tripe in mn

There are two men on here justifying this behaviour.

@capabilityfrowns I'm really sorry if I misunderstood or if it seemed like I was trying to justify nasty behaviour. That wasn't my intention at all. I did read the thread and I was trying to contribute. I think it's horrible that so many men out there seem to be so unpleasant like that.

There were some deleted posts which show the male entitlement even clearer.

One particularly awful one about the fact so many ‘thirsty’ men need to be given a chance and us women herd to overlook their sleazy misogynistic messages and date them anyway.

So next time we get a message saying ‘nice tits love’ from a bloke who’s profile looks like a prison mugshot with a giant fish we are wrong not to give that man a chance as we’re missing out - apparently

@SamW98 You are absolutely right that I couldn't read a bunch of deleted posts. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that anyone should put up with messages like that. I think everyone should be treated with respect and thoughtfulness and I'm really saddened that a load of men out there seem to be doing the opposite.

@capabilityfrowns I apologise again - I should have been more careful commenting when I couldn't read the deleted posts.

I know this won’t seem helpful, but as a man I have to say it’s my less… ‘prized’ friends / acquaintances that use OLD.
The nicer of the bunch have no problem meeting partners in real life - but I completely get that not everyone has the time, some are too shy etc, so it’s not a reflection of everyone.

All of my OLD experiences (in my 20s) were very poor.

Hi

Most men my age either chase younger women or want a replacement wife to cook and clean. And the remaining ones just see women as wank fodder. Sounds depressing but that’s my experience.

I'm 55, been doing OLD on & off for 7yrs & this sums up my experience.
I've had many first dates with a wide variety of men. Been happy to give "the nice" ones a chance but they always end up being one of the 3 types above.

The last guy I met seemed quiet & shy. So I met him 2 more times to see if he relaxed a bit more because he seemed like a nice bloke. After the 3rd date he messaged to say thanks but no thanks, he was only wanting a friends with benefits arrangement.

I've given up now. Too stressful.

And this mornings offer I can’t refuse - I’m wearing leather look trousers on one of my full length photos (for context)

‘Love the leather hope they’re wipe clean if you know what I’m saying 😘’

Should I give him a chance? 🤣🤣

I just had a message from a guy on Hinge - ' I'd like to cum inside you' ... No warming up with Hi, how are you? Bla bla.. I have reported him

I've read a lot of the posts on here and there is clearly one male poster whose attitude has annoyed a lot of people so thought I'd offer some thoughts from a guy who is on OLD to try and find a long term relationship.. I'm much less experienced on OLD than a lot of PPs but I'm seeing a bit of a pattern nonetheless.

First OP sorry you've had such a bad experience and agree with many PPs in that a break and reset is a good idea.

Ok - bit of background. I'm late 50s, separated and with little baggage. On Plenty More Fish with target age range of 50-62.

So what comes into my message inbox - a lot of crap to be honest. Likes winks and messages from scamming accounts - usually without photos. Lot well below my age range and the ones that are have photos of what look like younger women. Lot of messages begin with generic phrases like "Hey handsome" or "Would like to see a lot more of you" - they have nothing in their profile and direct you to contact them on Gmail or WhatsApp. Contacted a couple out of curiosity and the messages quickly end up asking for more photos presumably to get a JPG file that can be used for nefarious purposes. Sometimes you click on a message after less than 12 hours and the profile has already been deleted.

Don't get dick pics or obscene messages so at least spared that bit of the unpleasant experience for women

Some of it is my fault as I've been a bit passive ( only messaged a few people over last few months) so decided to be a bit more proactive and do my own searches. The profiles are mostly genuine (although a bit more suspicious that the site leaves defunct profiles on there) but lack of detail is the main issue.

Photos I'm not really buzzed about but there has to be one - seen a couple that make the lady look happy and content but don't mind a more pensive look.

PMF have a fair number of profile questions and I find many people answer them poorly or incompletely. I view them as a way to assess how compatible you might be. There are somethings that are a no-no for me - smoker, vegan,, living at home kids but that's my preference and may well be fine for others. I've answered mine in as much detail as I can so anyone reading can make a decent assessment.

If I message someone it is just Hi, a quick summary of why I like their profile and filling in a few more of my details. I wouldn't dream of sending some of the opening gambits I've read about on here,

FWIW reading the comments on this thread made me re-examine my own online profile and make it as clear as I can I'm looking for something long term

No disrespect but don’t you think we’ve already done all of this and that OLD is the last resort for many of us who have been single for several years and haven’t met anyone?