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Original poster

How to get over trauma of online dating

274 replies

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/10/2023 22:29

@capabilityfrowns

Just think of the time he spent travelling and the money get paid out for a hotel just to knock one out in bed alone 🤣

capabilityfrowns · 26/10/2023 23:37

Yeah he seemed desperate for a shag . I thought he seemed interested enough to want a second date but obviously thought better of it when he got home and I suspect he's got a few ore irons in the fire . Probably younger .

Over40Overdating · 27/10/2023 11:00

@capabilityfrowns so sorry to read your update.

It’s so shit that it seems inevitable they are all just sex seeking time wasters.
Better to have discovered it after one date I guess!

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 11:09

Thanks all, it's a shame I really liked him which is rare for me but then the thought of having to do housework and change beds if he came here was bringing me out in a cold sweat 😂. I realised I'm quite happy pootling around alone

He was also liking women's profiles who clearly didn't stand a chance thinking it was funny on the date when I said show us the competition then.....which I didn't like and thought was needless so he obviously knew he could have his pick.

Maybe I dodged yet another bullet.

Anyway onward and upward. Not renewing Ourtime.

MeWave · 27/10/2023 11:12

He was trying to get me pissed all night and had asked me to stay over

@capabilityfrowns 2 big red flags 🚩 right there. Not a gentleman in any way. Only one thing on his mind and no respect or real interest. Not someone you would want to go on a second date with. At least you didn’t invest any further. So there’s that.

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 16:37

Thanks mewave I actually did think that the day after when not as inebriated

I can handle my booze thankfully. I was pouring small glasses and he kept topping it up , which with red wine I don't find classy

I'd asked if he wanted to meet for a walk before he went home as well which he initially said yes to , but the. I got a text at 8am saying he was heading home , so clearly he'd only travelled for one thing

I'd thought it off because he also asked me to go to his room to get him before we met and I said no, I'll meet you in the bar . I'm not goin got a strangers room!

With hindsight he was just after a shag . No biggie . I got a lovely steak dinner and some nice wine out of it . He got a wank . 😂

I don't normally block people but I did him, the fact he just ghosted instead of being honest I found really shitty and I didn't want to be reeled back in if his other dates don't yield results.

Want2breakfree · 27/10/2023 19:32

Sorry he ended up being such a moron @capabilityfrowns I hate to say it but my guess would be he's married. Several red flags such as being good-looking, fit, paying for the meal, staying over, love-bombing you and willing to travel a considerable distance would raise questions for me. A married man wouldn't want to play away on his own doorstep. If he was that attractive and truly single he could probably find someone nearer.
The joke was on him in the end and you walked away with your dignity, so well done. He'll have ghosted because he was probably annoyed his little plan didn't work.
Don't give up. There are good men out there, even older ones.

taylorswift1989 · 27/10/2023 20:07

He was also liking women's profiles who clearly didn't stand a chance thinking it was funny on the date when I said show us the competition then.....which I didn't like and thought was needless so he obviously knew he could have his pick.

I don't get why you'd do that, @capabilityfrowns Maybe he felt it was a bit of a red flag from you? I wouldn't like a man to want to see my matches and likes. And if he asked, I'd find it pretty creepy.

So I wonder if that put him off? He shouldn't have ghosted though. It doesn't take much to send a quick message saying not interested. I think people tend to ghost when they want to keep the possibility open. Which is fairly shitty.

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 00:28

No he said would I like to see the competition and showed me his profile with his likes , it was a joke to him . He knew he was a looker so he thought it was funny to show me larger ladies who had liked him . Red flag .

He definitely wasn't married . But he'd only been single 4 months.

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 00:31

He said something about seeing my competition, I bit, he showed me the profiles on Ourtime who had liked him . Many larger women , no make up, short hair , looked a lot older .

His piss taking of them I found unkind .n

beastlyslumber · 28/10/2023 08:28

Wow. I would have ended the date there and then.

What a creep.

taylorswift1989 · 28/10/2023 08:31

@capabilityfrowns I can't believe you gave this guy a chance to ghost you. I would have left at that point.

Hellenabe · 28/10/2023 08:40

I think the bottom line is when someone likes someone, those red flags don't seem that bad. In hindsight, @capabilityfrowns you probably see things more clearly whereas at the initial date, it was flirty banter which even if you felt a bit uncomfortable, you probably thought he's hot/fun and gave him a wide berth.

taylorswift1989 · 28/10/2023 08:55

Hellenabe · 28/10/2023 08:40

I think the bottom line is when someone likes someone, those red flags don't seem that bad. In hindsight, @capabilityfrowns you probably see things more clearly whereas at the initial date, it was flirty banter which even if you felt a bit uncomfortable, you probably thought he's hot/fun and gave him a wide berth.

But when you're dating you've got to have good boundaries. You can't let things slide because you fancy someone. The minute you see a red flag you need to get out of there.

This is why women get so stressed about dating and end up feeling trauma and hurt. I cut men off when I see something I don't like. No second chances or letting things go. And that means I end up dating men who are pretty lovely and suit me.

Hellenabe · 28/10/2023 09:04

@taylorswift1989 I agree with you though myself having good boundaries has left me pretty single for 6 years with just a handful of short lived relationships with men who I really shouldn't have bothered with. So yes, that's great that you have decent boundaries and have met great people. Not everyone has that.

I do think hindsight is a great thing because I'd say a lot of people's choices are murkied when there is attraction

taylorswift1989 · 28/10/2023 09:44

I don't disagree with you @Hellenabe but if you learn that you are someone who struggles with boundaries when you feel attraction (as I used to be) then you have to overcome that in order to meet good people.

I found for me that building my own confidence and having a mindset of choice and abundance really helped me to strengthen my boundaries.

SamW98 · 28/10/2023 10:49

Hellenabe · 28/10/2023 09:04

@taylorswift1989 I agree with you though myself having good boundaries has left me pretty single for 6 years with just a handful of short lived relationships with men who I really shouldn't have bothered with. So yes, that's great that you have decent boundaries and have met great people. Not everyone has that.

I do think hindsight is a great thing because I'd say a lot of people's choices are murkied when there is attraction

I’ve set my bar really high in terms of what behaviours I’m prepared to accept and I’ve been single for 4 years and only had 5 dates and no relationship in that time.

I do wonder if I should let a few things slide but it’s getting that balance right.

MeWave · 28/10/2023 11:10

@Hellenabe and @taylorswift1989 - such interesting and thoughtful posts!

Original poster
Traumaonline · 28/10/2023 11:12

I’ve had men ghost me who were certainly not married
lots of victim blaming going on
bad behaviour is only the responsibility of the person doing the bad behaviour
yes women should look out for signs but men can be highly manipulative and deceptive

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 28/10/2023 11:22

What gets me about OLD, having been away from it a couple of years, is how many of the same men from last time seem to be on it! With the same profile and same photos. What the bloody hell is going on there? Have they been on there the whole time or returned after a failed relationship (as I did) but didn’t bother updating their profile? Odd.

MeWave · 28/10/2023 11:34

I don’t think it’s victim blaming as such. Just a more general observation that there are unsavoury characters out there and looking at how best women (or indeed men sometimes) can protect themselves and maintain their integrity even with the confusion of attraction or over-romanticism or loneliness muddying the waters. Even if it means lifelong singledom, and it can mean that (even if I like the theory of abundance that pp mentioned it isn’t always applicable in some people’s more difficult circumstances)

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 11:36

I aren't very good as picking up flags at the time it's afterwards I see them, plus he was doing his absolute best to get me pissed.

I actually held on to my boundaries quite well , despite being plied with red wine .

Initially he'd asked me to meet him in his room - I said no . I'll meet you in the bar.

The venue closed early Becky was a Monday night so I had half an hour to wait for my taxi which was pre booked , so I did go to the room , where he did his absolute best to get a shag . When the taxi came I said I was leaving, he said stay I'll take you home in the morning but I said no I'm leaving now, and did.

I didn't think I was drunk but I was . I realise now . But not drunk enough to forget my boundaries and I still said no.

The only reason I'd agreed to an evening meal was he travelled to see me and paid to stay over , he spent a lot and got nothing which I'm glad of .

He clearly had expected me to sleep with him . He told me he wanted to come up again next week , I believe he said this to make me feel it had legs and might turn into more than a one off , it he obviously had no intention of coming back , he just wanted a shag .

So looking back , I shouldn't have drunk so much , but I maintained the boundaries I'd set despite fancying him , being a bit drunk , I just didn't get the subtleties initially . He isn't married. He just felt obviously that the travel was too much and hoped I'd feel obligated to sleep with him given the effort he made . When I called him out he apologised but said distance was too. Big a factor which I appreciate but I also felt like saying gosh, you didn't have access to a fucking map ? He just tried his luck .

MeWave · 28/10/2023 11:50

Nah, not married, clearly just a stupid chancer.

I remember an older girlfriend being totally shocked a new man invited me to his home for dinner on a second date.

It had never occurred to me that his intentions were dishonourable. But of course they were. As he proved later to be a total user.

So I am of the view (now, a bit late) that any man who tries to get you into their private domain or yours quickly is quite likely up to no good.

Keeping things in the public domain is good for women. A. making the effort to show if they are actually genuinely interested and B. You can spend that time deciding if they’re worth it or not. You can decide if you like them and their values and if there are any red flags jumping out. Especially any hints they drop about their attitude to WOMEN (their exes and why they finished, if they mention porn, etc. If anything makes you uncomfortable listen to that). C. You won’t accidentally jump into bed with them when you don’t know who they are!

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