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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 16:41

No you’re not. Totally unacceptable.

fattytum · 08/10/2023 16:42

they crossed a boundary

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 08/10/2023 16:42

I'd consider her to now be an EX friend. She's not a mate.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:44

I feel like I've been cheated on. They insist nothing happened but in my eyes it did as cuddling crosses that acceptable line.

Just the last thing I need right now.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2023 16:45

Dodgy as fuck.

LumpyPumpkin · 08/10/2023 16:46

I'd be gutted. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Giving a comforting hug to a friend in need, absolutely fine. Falling asleep in each others arms, absolutely not.

I can't believe they would just fall asleep mid hug and stay like that for hours.

Even if nothing else happened, the cuddling and falling asleep next to each other would be a level of intimacy too far for me to forgive. It would make me very uncomfortable.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 08/10/2023 16:47

This is not ok. Don’t let them manipulate the situation to make you think you’re being over the top. At the very least the cuddling and sleeping together was wrong….I suspect there was more though.

You are not wrong. They are.

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 16:47

It’s affair territory I’m afraid, even if it only happened once. It’s a betrayal from both of them.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:50

LumpyPumpkin · 08/10/2023 16:46

I'd be gutted. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Giving a comforting hug to a friend in need, absolutely fine. Falling asleep in each others arms, absolutely not.

I can't believe they would just fall asleep mid hug and stay like that for hours.

Even if nothing else happened, the cuddling and falling asleep next to each other would be a level of intimacy too far for me to forgive. It would make me very uncomfortable.

@LumpyPumpkin that's exactly my thoughts. It must've been a very long, very comforting hug.

Irrelevant of if there was a kiss, or more, I just feel completely mugged off and betrayed

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 08/10/2023 16:58

LTB and fuck her off

Louise303 · 08/10/2023 17:11

I am sorry she would not be a friend anymore there is no way I would of let her stay all day.

BetterWithPockets · 08/10/2023 17:12

OP, I can see why you’d be upset but I can also see that it might have been innocent — I mean, they’d be pretty bloody stupid to fall asleep like that if anything was going on, wouldn’t they?

OhmygodDont · 08/10/2023 17:14

Yeah no falling asleep hugging is very very intimate. Even if they did nothing else that’s still far to much I couldn’t stay friends with her and I’d be seriously questioning my marriage.

lincolngirl1097 · 08/10/2023 17:14

I'd be absolutely furious and tell them both to leave the house whilst I decided what I was doing

littlejo67 · 08/10/2023 17:19

There is a difference between emotional intimacy shown to friends and sexual intimacy. A hug and cuddle could be either.
If you trust them then this would be platonic.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2023 17:21

He'd be out on his arse and I'd never speak to her again.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 17:28

BetterWithPockets · 08/10/2023 17:12

OP, I can see why you’d be upset but I can also see that it might have been innocent — I mean, they’d be pretty bloody stupid to fall asleep like that if anything was going on, wouldn’t they?

@BetterWithPockets They would, but given how much alcohol they drank I'm not sure if it's 'fell asleep' or 'passed out'.

He has no idea what happened, she says she remembers everything. Apparently he offered her a cuddle and she took him up on it. Unacceptable from both of them.

They've never been touchy-feely friends. They don't hug usually but if she was upset I can understand why he'd give her one. Just not sure how that then turned in to a long ass cuddle and falling asleep together.

OP posts:
OTM1982 · 08/10/2023 17:31

Yeah, it doesn't 'just happen'!

SherbetLemonn · 08/10/2023 17:31

This is so dodgy. You feel like you’ve been cheated on because, I would think, you have been! Such a load of bullshit them saying they just happened to fall asleep while he was giving her a quick hug for comfort. Liars.

LucieLemon · 08/10/2023 17:35

Would they have done it with you sitting in the room? If the answer is 'no' then that tells you all you need to know. They crossed a line and you have every right to be upset about that. Just need to figure out now how you want to move forward.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 17:36

Worst thing is this isn't the first time I've left them alone and they've been up drinking until 4am. There's been quite a few times as I don't drink and I'm lousy at staying up late.

Alllllll the questions and scenarios are going through my head now.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 08/10/2023 17:37

That'd be it for me. Friend gone husband gone.

icelollycraving · 08/10/2023 17:38

Bullshit. He remembers but is choosing not to. She’d be out of my house. Pair of arseholes.

SherbetLemonn · 08/10/2023 17:38

Ouch. It just gets worse and worse eh. I’d suspect this isn’t the first time this has happened, and I very much doubt they were just having a quick cuddle. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 17:39

LucieLemon · 08/10/2023 17:35

Would they have done it with you sitting in the room? If the answer is 'no' then that tells you all you need to know. They crossed a line and you have every right to be upset about that. Just need to figure out now how you want to move forward.

Probably not! I tried talking to her about her relationship and she wouldn't even entertain it. I've been trying to help her for god knows how long. A place to stay, financial help, anything she needs to help her leave.

As soon as I leave though they cozy up and she spills her heart to DH.

OP posts: