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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:21

This has just gone weird, you stating they were cuddled up is what all the responses are based on. This latest update says no such thing happened, she was facing the other way asleep and he’d just slumped forward asleep, they were not remotely cuddled up.

if you’d written what you’d found accurately then the responses would be very different.

VeridicalVagabond · 09/10/2023 12:27

Imo there's a sort of "intimacy line" you just don't cross when you're in a relationship, no matter how close you are or how platonic it is.

I have a male best friend (which I'm aware some Mumsnetters think is a huge no-no) - he's been my closest and dearest friend since childhood, he's like my brother, and anyone who knows us knows there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings between us. Ever. My own husband has said he could walk in the room and find us naked together and his first thought would be we were mole mapping or something. It's that platonic.

I still wouldn't cuddle with him on the sofa. It's a level of intimacy reserved for the monogamous relationship I have chosen to be in and committed to with my husband.

I'd put it to them. If they genuinely think they've done nothing wrong and it was platonic, would they have done it if you were still in the room? Methinks not.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 12:29

Thing which doesn’t add up for me and others is blankets are behind the bed…

All I’ll say is it takes two to tango.

I think you’re definitely doing the right thing for now, but definitely don’t give him a free pass to think he’s got away with it. As I said before, yes she’s a scheming bitch but as others have said, your DH could’ve had a nice nighttime chat with her and come straight to bed after, not fall asleep drunkenly against her.

And, why isn’t she speaking to you about her problems and why is your DH agreeing to be her shoulder to cry on? He should’ve shut this straight down if he thought things were going in a direction he wasn’t comfortable with.

For an example years ago when I was 18/19. My best friend from age 5 had her first baby and was engaged and I saw them often as they lived nearby (a car/taxi/bus ride away) but never or rarely stayed over. One occasion popping to the shops with her fiancé (I’d known him since we were kids too) he asked me if I was interested in you know, cheating like a one night stand. I said immediately “no way”, didn’t engage further and it came out of the blue. I didn’t really want to tell my friend about this either. A few months later she told me he’d told her what he’d asked me and I’d said no and she said she was pleased he’d told her and that I’d said no, but she always knew I wouldn’t do it ever. I don’t know if he was testing me or if he ever cheated on her. But point is, I’d never have put myself in a position where I could drunkenly fall asleep with him. And I valued my best friend’s friendship and the fiancé was ok really.

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:29

Think folks need to read the thread…

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:36

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:19

Tbh, he was sat facing forward with his head drooped to the side so it does look like he just fell asleep. She'd relocated herself on the sofa and put her butt up against him which he said isn't anywhere near where she was sat when they were talking

ok, but your op said they were cuddling up. In this scenario they were not remotely cuddled up, just passed out in close proximity and neither have done anything wrong, she’s likely just slumped down to sleep the fact her arse was then against his leg is just proximity.

so why did you say they were cuddled up?

Added a drawing to help explanation of how they were when I left vs how I found them.

Imagine you're sitting with your partner on the sofa, he's facing forward but you've pushed your back up against him and put your feet on the sofa. I don't know if his arm was around her, but she'd proper pushed her bum in to him.

Not sure if I'm over reacting.
Not sure if I'm over reacting.
OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:38

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:21

This has just gone weird, you stating they were cuddled up is what all the responses are based on. This latest update says no such thing happened, she was facing the other way asleep and he’d just slumped forward asleep, they were not remotely cuddled up.

if you’d written what you’d found accurately then the responses would be very different.

Oh come on. My head is going a million miles right now. I know a cuddle when I see a cuddle!! I wouldn't sleep up against someone like that?! That's how me and DH cuddle!

OP posts:
Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:45

Ok, op, it’s hard to understand to be honest, what you described wasn’t that image or what most folks would consider a cuddle, cuddle is arms round one another. Not just being close proximity,

not sure what more to say but hope you get through all this ok.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:52

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:45

Ok, op, it’s hard to understand to be honest, what you described wasn’t that image or what most folks would consider a cuddle, cuddle is arms round one another. Not just being close proximity,

not sure what more to say but hope you get through all this ok.

I'm awful at describing things, probably even more so at the moment. I don't know for sure if his arm was around her... was too busy being shocked and asking them what the hell they were doing.

But yeah, how she'd cuddled up to him was how the woman in that picture is. And she'd moved from across the other side of what is a very large sofa to do so.

If they were just sat next to each other and heads bounced in the middle I'd have laughed and called them idiots for falling asleep outside. I've never had no reason to not trust them which is why I've been happy to leave them drinking before. This just really wasn't that.

I also just really don't understand why she needed to get so shit faced drunk given she'd come up to chill as we weren't going away anymore as I'm too ill. Just seems so very weird.

OP posts:
Agnorant · 09/10/2023 12:57

If the friend was a male wanting support and not a female, would he have cuddled up the same way to him? He wouldn’t have.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/10/2023 13:01

I'm finding it difficult to follow your descriptions.

In your earlier posts, I was annoyed at both of them on your behalf.

In your later posts, I have to question how much involvement your husband actually had. He didn't seem to move and she appeared to snuggled up to him.

She's guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. With him, I think there's reasonable doubt, although only just. She has also decided to control the narrative fully.

She's not a friend and I would have nothing more to do with her. No discussions, no nothing - bin her. He needs to start talking because I'm not sure he knows nothing at all. Only you know what he's like when he's lying.

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 13:01

Ditch the friend, keep the husband

Freeme31 · 09/10/2023 13:17

OP i really feel for you - regardless of their sleeping position you feel let down by two people you trusted. Bin her. Him set agreed boundaries - how remorseful is he btw ?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 13:30

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/10/2023 13:01

I'm finding it difficult to follow your descriptions.

In your earlier posts, I was annoyed at both of them on your behalf.

In your later posts, I have to question how much involvement your husband actually had. He didn't seem to move and she appeared to snuggled up to him.

She's guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. With him, I think there's reasonable doubt, although only just. She has also decided to control the narrative fully.

She's not a friend and I would have nothing more to do with her. No discussions, no nothing - bin her. He needs to start talking because I'm not sure he knows nothing at all. Only you know what he's like when he's lying.

I'm also questioning his involvement and I can't be mad at him for something she's done when he's fallen asleep (if he's telling me the truth).

It feels like bunny boiler behaviour and if she has taken advantage of him whilst he's asleep then I'm even more angry with her.

He will always get chatted up when we go on a night out but he just laughs, walks away, and tells me whats happened. He's always been very honest with things.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 13:30

Freeme31 · 09/10/2023 13:17

OP i really feel for you - regardless of their sleeping position you feel let down by two people you trusted. Bin her. Him set agreed boundaries - how remorseful is he btw ?

Mortified

OP posts:
crinolinefan · 09/10/2023 13:37

I would be reading the riot act at both of them. How dare they act like that. How dare they act like that in your home. How dare they act like that in your home knowing that you're not feeling 100%.
I wouldn't want to see her again. As for him, I would be questioning whether he's right.

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 13:49

'He was in exactly the same seat I left him but she'd moved up to him and had wedged her butt up against him.' Which means she moved to him rather than him comforting her?. She probably thought he would comfort comfort her if you get me? Tbh i honestly don't know any men who would do this .its usually a pat on head or back.
This is breaking boundaries all over. I think its easier for you to blame her than him. No man would 'stay' cuddling in this situation, if innocent. It would be quick hug and thats it.

1month · 09/10/2023 13:52

I would be more annoyed with my DH in this situation.

If he was getting so tired that he was falling to sleep, then he would go upstairs.

No one would stay sleeping on the sofa, when there’s someone else on the sofa and you have a bed upstairs.

Where was she meant to be sleeping?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 13:54

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 13:49

'He was in exactly the same seat I left him but she'd moved up to him and had wedged her butt up against him.' Which means she moved to him rather than him comforting her?. She probably thought he would comfort comfort her if you get me? Tbh i honestly don't know any men who would do this .its usually a pat on head or back.
This is breaking boundaries all over. I think its easier for you to blame her than him. No man would 'stay' cuddling in this situation, if innocent. It would be quick hug and thats it.

He's told me it was just a hug, which is obviously fine, but then she sat back in her seat, then went and got more drinks and they were up chatting for longer. Then next thing is I'm waking him up with a face like thunder and she's cuddled up to him.

Her story ends at them having a hug and 'must've just fallen asleep'. Who falls asleep during a hug and who hugs someone from behind?

Doesn't add up and her story is seriously lacking info for someone who remembers absolutely everything. I'm not saying he's innocent but likewise I can't blame him for the actions of someone else, especially if she's taken advantage of him when he's asleep. If it was the other way round people would be calling it sexual assault and he'd be a predator.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 13:55

1month · 09/10/2023 13:52

I would be more annoyed with my DH in this situation.

If he was getting so tired that he was falling to sleep, then he would go upstairs.

No one would stay sleeping on the sofa, when there’s someone else on the sofa and you have a bed upstairs.

Where was she meant to be sleeping?

Yes, also unless you know someone real well, you would go upstairs not long after partner went up..youd feel uncomfortable dropping off with someone you barely know, nm breaking out the cuddles.
Also at some point he would have stirred....and stayed in that position.

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:06

Do I understand correctly - you discovered them early in the morning, but didn't throw her out till 7 pm?

Why didn't you kick her out at once, and why did your husband allow her to stay? Did you feed her at all during the intervening hours?

Makes no sense...

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:09

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:06

Do I understand correctly - you discovered them early in the morning, but didn't throw her out till 7 pm?

Why didn't you kick her out at once, and why did your husband allow her to stay? Did you feed her at all during the intervening hours?

Makes no sense...

She was so drunk and had a couple of hours drive home. Obviously I've no care for her, but I would be irresponsible to let a drunk driver out on the roads where they could kill someone else.

She was still 'too drunk' coming up to 7 but I kicked off, told her she's taking the piss and if she can't drive then someone needs to come get her. Namely her boyfriend because I'd love to see his reaction to all this. Not too drunk to remember everything from the night before though 🙂

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 14:10

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:06

Do I understand correctly - you discovered them early in the morning, but didn't throw her out till 7 pm?

Why didn't you kick her out at once, and why did your husband allow her to stay? Did you feed her at all during the intervening hours?

Makes no sense...

This does seem a bit fishy. She’d be gone asap if it were me or by lunchtime latest. Not staying all day to 7pm.

Were you acting all normal with her OP during the day?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 14:12

CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:09

She was so drunk and had a couple of hours drive home. Obviously I've no care for her, but I would be irresponsible to let a drunk driver out on the roads where they could kill someone else.

She was still 'too drunk' coming up to 7 but I kicked off, told her she's taking the piss and if she can't drive then someone needs to come get her. Namely her boyfriend because I'd love to see his reaction to all this. Not too drunk to remember everything from the night before though 🙂

Show quote history

Ok clarified.

She does sound like she’s in a state. Especially with was it the judging another man on looks?

But… not friend material anymore.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 14:15

The other thing which springs out to me is you say it’s not the first time you’ve left them alone and they’ve stayed drinking til 4am. Not sure if I’d be suspicious about that or not.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:18

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 14:10

This does seem a bit fishy. She’d be gone asap if it were me or by lunchtime latest. Not staying all day to 7pm.

Were you acting all normal with her OP during the day?

Show quote history

I stayed upstairs cause I don't think I could've been civil. Yeah, that meant leaving DH with her but at that point I couldn't give a rats ass. Damage done.

She kept telling DH she was still too drunk to go, but going on 7 and she hadn't even attempted to pack her bags, I did it for her and told her to get the hell out.

OP posts:
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