Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
Namechangad12 · 08/10/2023 21:03

I'm confused
Were they sitting up hugging or laying down cuddling/spooning?

But either way, unacceptable and it would be a deal breaker for me OP

monkina · 08/10/2023 22:04

How has your friend responded to you since she woke up?

I hope she is ashamed and embarrassed at such awful behaviour towards you.

And of course I'd be furious at husband too.

Janieforever · 08/10/2023 22:09

I’m sorry op, really sorry but they are having an affair, no one passes out mid hug. The blankets were thrown back behind as they were messing,and then when finished they snuggled and fell asleep.

im sorry, i think you need to tell him to leave.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2023 22:12

I think you need to think about how you would feel if you hugged a friend who was upset about her relationship breakdown, and how far that is from falling asleep cuddled up with them. It definitely crosses an intimacy boundary, what they've done.

SamW98 · 08/10/2023 22:22

How would DH react if boot was on other foot and he found you cuddled up asleep with one of his male friends? I strongly suspect he wouldn’t just shrug it off and say ‘oh well’

Even oh nothing physical happened, it’s an intimacy boundary crossed and she needs to be out of your lives. With regards your DH, it’s a decision you need to make

MsDogLady · 08/10/2023 22:30

@CinnamonSwirl82, my heart goes out to you. Not only are you dealing with a major health issue, but you’ve been doubly betrayed by the two people you trusted most. They have defiled your home and the love you’ve always given them.

Your H has perpetrated an appalling act of disloyalty. In fact, in my marriage this snuggling in an embrace all night would be considered infidelity. His lying about not remembering is a twist of the knife, and indicates there being even more to this.

This woman is clearly neither your friend nor a friend of your marriage, despite your emotional and financial support. She would already be binned from my life.

Their act of intimacy didn’t come out of nowhere, and I’d assume this is not their first rodeo. Things would have been simmering for a while. In addition to their previously being alone at night, have they also been messaging?

@CinnamonSwirl82, it would be game over for me, but I appreciate that you’re in a precarious situation with your health and must carefully consider what’s best for you. Flowers

BlastedPimples · 09/10/2023 05:34

So she doesn't open up to you, her friend, but uses your husband as a shoulder to cry on?

This is a typical damsel in distress and white knight scenario being played out here.

She is incredibly manipulative because she doesn't talk to you about these problems. But to your dh, she's all soft and open and needy.

And he, being the ego filled berk idiot, laps it up. They have both betrayed you.

So sorry.

luckysonofagun · 09/10/2023 05:58

You poor thing. Other than this incident have you always trusted him?

I'd probably tell him to get out and give you some space. And think about what you want to do long term. The friendship would be done for r me.

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/10/2023 06:45

So his convenient memory lapse - does that happen a lot or has he only been struck by alcohol fuelled amnesia when snuggled up with a female?

I think the fact he claims not to remember is a huge red flag.

If he’d been really apologetic and said “I was giving her a hug and remember feeling sleepy, so I rested my head on top of hers and we must have just drifted off” - I’d be very pissed off and still suspicious, but I could maybe sort of see how it could happen with two very drunk people, very late at night.

I think his complete memory lapse suggests there’s more to it but he can’t trust himself to lie convincingly. As PP said, complete memory loss is incredibly rare…..

As for the “friend” - spilling her soul to your DH when she’s sure you had gone to bed, creating an intimate atmosphere with another woman’s husband - and also why were the blankets behind the sofa?? What did they get in the way of? You said you tucked them round her so why were they thrown off the sofa? The more you think about it, the worse it all sounds!

I hope your test results come back clear so you don’t need to rely on a “D”H who’s do untrustworthy. Really sorry all this is happening.

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:32

BlastedPimples · 09/10/2023 05:34

So she doesn't open up to you, her friend, but uses your husband as a shoulder to cry on?

This is a typical damsel in distress and white knight scenario being played out here.

She is incredibly manipulative because she doesn't talk to you about these problems. But to your dh, she's all soft and open and needy.

And he, being the ego filled berk idiot, laps it up. They have both betrayed you.

So sorry.

This all over

Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 08:41

If he doesn't remember, he can't claim innocence.

Hope you're ok this morning, OP. Really feel for you.

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:44

OP , your priority atm is getting well .. everything else can be addressed at a later date..you arent sleeping with him so you're not putting yourself at any sti risk. Let him do him and you do you .Please take care of yourself ♥️

StopStartStop · 09/10/2023 08:47

You feel like you’ve been cheated on because, I would think, you have been! Such a load of bullshit them saying they just happened to fall asleep while he was giving her a quick hug for comfort. Liars.

Exactly this. They're cheating on you, in your own home and are so comfortable about it they fall asleep together.

You feel like your life is falling apart because it is.

Cut ties with the two of them.

Bookworm20 · 09/10/2023 10:53

He has no idea what happened,

I find it amazing when men do something that looks dodgy as hell, they suddenly can't remember. Must be a nightmare for them, poor things, all these nights of memory loss.

Although I suspect its more a case of he does remember, but just doesn't want to have to talk to you about it.

I'm so sorry OP. That would crush me too. Don't be fobbed off. Tell him to get the hell out until his memory returns and he is man enough to actually tell you the bloody truth.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:03

She went home about 7pm after I had to throw her out.

Her story: he gave her a hug because she was upset (which I'm fine with), but then they must've just fallen asleep. She's adamant she remembers absolutely everything that went on.

His story: he gave her a hug because she was upset, then she went and poured more drinks and got him a beer then they chatted a little longer and next he knows I'm waking them up, angry. He said he doesn't know why they were cuddled up because he must've fallen asleep.

He was in exactly the same seat I left him but she'd moved up to him and had wedged her butt up against him.

I've had time to think and what doesn't add up to me is why she would speak to him but not me. It sounds very damsel in distress. She was also telling us about how she was messaging with a guy we'd met at a gig and he'd sent her naked photos and d*ck picks. She told me if he asks, she's single.

She's always told me she'd never cheat and she's not that kind of person but clearly red flags were going crazy about that.

I've never had a reason to not trust DH. I think it's just a case of he's been an idiot and manipulated by a woman who's clearly having a breakdown.

He's absolutely in the dog house and she's out of my life but I'm prioritising my health and focusing on that before I make any rational/irrational decisions.

OP posts:
fivenonrouses · 09/10/2023 12:07

I've never had a reason to not trust DH. I think it's just a case of he's been an idiot and manipulated by a woman who's clearly having a breakdown.

Don't let him off that easily. He can't be that clueless...

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:11

I think it's just a case of he's been an idiot and manipulated by a woman who's clearly having a breakdown

I understand fully why you wish to take that position and blame her, and I hope you are at peace with it.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 12:12

With your update it’s very convenient for them both to have a similar story. They probably cooked it up between them.

I wouldn’t let your DH off that easily either and blame your friend.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:15

He's definitely not clueless. He's told me that they carried on drinking for about an hour afterwards but then he must've fell asleep. Tbh, he was sat facing forward with his head drooped to the side so it does look like he just fell asleep. She'd relocated herself on the sofa and put her butt up against him which he said isn't anywhere near where she was sat when they were talking.

Whether it's the truth I really don't know. He really is not that kind of person which is why I'm so shocked but given everything she was telling me that night about messaging other guys, I'm inclined to believe she's the instigator.

Not sure I even have the head space to compute it all at the moment. I need to sort out my medical stuff today, the last thing I want to do. Whether I forgive him or throw him out can be a decision later on. There's certainly no intimacy between us right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:16

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 12:12

With your update it’s very convenient for them both to have a similar story. They probably cooked it up between them.

I wouldn’t let your DH off that easily either and blame your friend.

Her story is they fell asleep straight after a hug but she remembers absolutely everything.

His story is that they carried on drinking after a hug so there's a huge gap of missing details from what she's told me.

Who falls asleep during a hug lol

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 12:17

And yes, if I had any doubt that he'd do that kind of thing his ass wouldve been out the door behind her without listening to a thing he had to say.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:19

Tbh, he was sat facing forward with his head drooped to the side so it does look like he just fell asleep. She'd relocated herself on the sofa and put her butt up against him which he said isn't anywhere near where she was sat when they were talking

ok, but your op said they were cuddling up. In this scenario they were not remotely cuddled up, just passed out in close proximity and neither have done anything wrong, she’s likely just slumped down to sleep the fact her arse was then against his leg is just proximity.

so why did you say they were cuddled up?

Namechangad12 · 09/10/2023 12:19

OP, do you have any family nearby that you can go to rest and have some time to think?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 09/10/2023 12:20

I’d be checking his undies and the couch for “evidence”… UV torch if necessary

Namechangad12 · 09/10/2023 12:21

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 12:19

Tbh, he was sat facing forward with his head drooped to the side so it does look like he just fell asleep. She'd relocated herself on the sofa and put her butt up against him which he said isn't anywhere near where she was sat when they were talking

ok, but your op said they were cuddling up. In this scenario they were not remotely cuddled up, just passed out in close proximity and neither have done anything wrong, she’s likely just slumped down to sleep the fact her arse was then against his leg is just proximity.

so why did you say they were cuddled up?

Yes exactly, and in that case why did they bother bringing up all the hugging if they weren't even cuddling? Plus OP mentioned he was cuddling her friend in the same way he had been cuddling her in her dreams

Please OP don't let it slide because you love him. You deserve much better