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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:20

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 14:15

The other thing which springs out to me is you say it’s not the first time you’ve left them alone and they’ve stayed drinking til 4am. Not sure if I’d be suspicious about that or not.

Before I haven't had any reason to be suspicious. I know she stays up late and I'm an early sleeper so I haven't cared if they wanted to be up longer drinking/chatting.

Of course I'm now feeling like a massive idiot.

She's never been this kind of person but since the abuse in her relationship has been getting worse and we had to do a mercy dash to rescue her, she seems to have gone completely off the rails. This is the first time I left them alone since then.

OP posts:
Catoo · 09/10/2023 14:27

I’m sorry you’ve been ill OP and I hope your tests come back clear.

You sound too nice to be honest. That friend would have been out of my house, blocked, deleted, not long after I found them. But you tolerated her for 15 more hours? It’s her responsibility to get a taxi etc if she can’t drive, not yours.

When you went to bed your husband should have gone with you. I assume he didn’t because he wanted to stay up with her because that’s what they’ve done before and both wanted to do again.

He’s got some making up to do. Focus on getting well and then decide if he’s good enough.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/10/2023 14:28

If it was me, I would call her and tell her you just remembered that the baby monitor was still accidentally left on it the living room and you've watched it so she better start explaining.....might be a way to trip her up.

Katy123456 · 09/10/2023 14:30

It may be nothing more happened, and that they didn't intend to end up like that, but I would be upset and think they crossed a boundary.

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:32

I stayed upstairs cause I don't think I could've been civil. Yeah, that meant leaving DH with her but at that point I couldn't give a rats ass. Damage done.

But why on earth didn't your husband simply bundle her into a taxi?

Instead he spent the entire day alone with her??!!!

He has some explaining to do.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:33

The very fact that he stayed downstairs with YOUR friend after you went to bed is indicative that he planned this.

It's disrespectful as fuck to be alone with a single woman in private when you are married (assuming it's not family or perhaps a friend of many years of his that nothing has ever happened with). Let alone the fact that if would make most women very uncomfortable if they are only there to see their friend and now they are stuck in a room at night with a guy.

She may have just cuddled him rather than create a scene and potentially end up out on her arse in the small hours of the morning. And now she's downplaying his behaviour because she doesn't want to think about how fucking creepy it was. Or break up her friends marriage. Or she knows you would pick him over you and just doesn't want to lose you right now with whatever else is going on.

She MIGHT have an excuse. He, has none.

Redwinestillfine · 09/10/2023 14:41

Sorry op but they had the whole day together downstairs. That speaks volumes.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:42

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:33

The very fact that he stayed downstairs with YOUR friend after you went to bed is indicative that he planned this.

It's disrespectful as fuck to be alone with a single woman in private when you are married (assuming it's not family or perhaps a friend of many years of his that nothing has ever happened with). Let alone the fact that if would make most women very uncomfortable if they are only there to see their friend and now they are stuck in a room at night with a guy.

She may have just cuddled him rather than create a scene and potentially end up out on her arse in the small hours of the morning. And now she's downplaying his behaviour because she doesn't want to think about how fucking creepy it was. Or break up her friends marriage. Or she knows you would pick him over you and just doesn't want to lose you right now with whatever else is going on.

She MIGHT have an excuse. He, has none.

Edited

I'm not sure why this is all aimed at him instigating? She's the one pouring more drinks and getting him more beers to make him stay? She's also engaged, but admitted to me she was messaging a guy she met on a night out and they were sexting. Throughout the day she also kept mentioning a bruise on an intimate part in front of him asking if we wanted to see it and was constantly talking about her nip ons.

He kept changing the topic or would cover his eyes whenever she brought something else up. She's then very happy to spill her heart out to him when I've gone to bed about how upset she is about her relationship, but brushes the conversation off when I ask. Yes, I'd class them as friends so I see nothing wrong with them chatting and drinking together as long as that's all it is. Clearly she's lacking attention and gagging for something else, but my relationship is not the place to be looking for it.

DH is not a 'fucking creep' in the slightest. Jesus wept.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:43

Even worse that she is vulnerable after abuse and your creepy bastard husband has exploited that. He's no better than her ex. He's a pig. Even if she was complicit, she was recovering from abuse, and, drunk.

And if she's hanging around still it sounds like she's latched onto him as some sort of rescuer unfortunately.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:45

OK so maybe she's a dick as well.

Of course he's a creep though. He should have left the room the second she stated being appropriate. Instead he stayed. Even after you went to bed!

Take the blinkers off!

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 14:46

Maybe I have an overactive imagination but my guess would be she pounced on your husband, plied him with more alcohol, initiated oral (at least) which led to him falling asleep
She hung around hoping for a second round

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:46

*inappropriate

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 14:48

Also, your husband has been the person she's been sexting?

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 14:49

Im outta here. OP you are wanting to blame her but you are excusing your OH. The whole situation is BOTH of them have betrayed you...you don't want to see that. Good luck

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:52

Maybe I'm being unfair, he might not be a creep. He might just be a big wet blanket who cares more about a hugely inappropriate woman than he does having basic respect for his own wife.

As for the you being OK with them hanging...seriously? You're OK woth a woman talking about flashing your husband...being left alone with him? Don't talk shite! You were unwell and not thinking clearly. If you had been, you would have insisted he come up to bed with you and never let her near your husband again.

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:52

@CinnamonSwirl82 - you are ill and vulnerable. Maybe best to just rest for a couple of days. I hope that your husband steps up and you feel better soon💐

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:53

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:45

OK so maybe she's a dick as well.

Of course he's a creep though. He should have left the room the second she stated being appropriate. Instead he stayed. Even after you went to bed!

Take the blinkers off!

Take the man hating goggles off. If she wasn't inappropriate until he fell asleep, how the hell is that his fault?

Would you blame a woman for falling asleep and a man copping a feel?

Seriously. The fuck is wrong with you

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:54

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 14:48

Also, your husband has been the person she's been sexting?

No. Its a guy she met at a gig

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:58

He's absolutely not off the hook but right now I need to focus on my health. I'll deal with him when I can actually think straight.

I'm an absolute emotional wreck enough as it is without this going on and cutting myself off from my only support isn't going to help in the slightest.

Yes, he's absolutely in the dog house but I'm trying to also be sympathetic to the fact my so called friend may have sexually assaulted him last night.

OP posts:
Coffeesnob11 · 09/10/2023 14:58

It's completely unacceptable from both of them. My best friend goes to bed early and often her husband and I stay up talking but despite knowing him for 20 years, I don't hug him when she isn't there at night and we sit across the room as they sit together when she is awake. I have fallen asleep in the lounge but he has called me verbally to wake me up and suggest I go to bed, he doesn't even prod me. Anything we talk about or do we would do in full company. I treat him like a work colleague. I would say he is a friend but only because he married her. I am so sorry they haven't even got matching stories and she has no shame not leaving the following day as soon as possible. He needs to start remembering. He can't have been that drunk.

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 15:01

How many women would really like to spend hours being snuggled up to a guy they found unattractive? I couldn't 🤢

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 15:03

Your husband has "forgotten" what happened
So there was something there to forget rather than simply saying nothing happened
I think he is too scared to tell you

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 15:04

I have no idea how you got from A to Z and made this a sexual assault issue. What tf are you talking about!

And I don't hate men. I hate people who have no respect for their partners. If my husband had a guy friend over, I would certainly not stay up with him once my husband went to bed either! Because its not appropriate.

It doesn't matter if we get along and they are genuinely lovely. It's still not appropriate.

But in this scenario, she was actively hitting on your husband inappropriately. He hung around. You went to bed. He still hung around.

It's about respect. He's not some poor victim. You are! He's a married man who should have had the sense the second she started getting flashy, to say 'hey, well I'm off, I'll leave you two to catch up'.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 15:10

Sorry op but your making ridiculous excuses for your husband rn. Sexually assaulted?!
The shite some people come our with to justify their partners unnaceptable behaviour.

But eh...probably not the time. The more we call attention to him being at fault the more you pushback against it as its natural to want to defend a partner. I'm just saying if the roles were reversed...would you have stayed up with his friend, after your partner went to bed?

1month · 09/10/2023 15:10

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 13:55

Yes, also unless you know someone real well, you would go upstairs not long after partner went up..youd feel uncomfortable dropping off with someone you barely know, nm breaking out the cuddles.
Also at some point he would have stirred....and stayed in that position.

Show quote history

Yes exactly!

She shouldn’t have been sat anywhere near him but he should have just gone upstairs.

The fact that he didn’t would make me very suspicious.