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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 08/10/2023 18:31

Im sorry but you found them in a post coital embrace and it likely wasn't the first time

GoldenSpangles · 08/10/2023 18:31

Call me repressed but I would not be sitting up drinking till the early hours with the husband of a friend. I certainly wouldn't be asking for a hug. I mean there you are alone with him, you throw off your blankets, you're both drunk, and you're hugging. I can't imagine doing this and I can't imagine any of my friends doing it either. This is just trampling over normal boundaries about what is acceptable. Yes, a hug in daylight with you present, no problems, but this is far from that. Personally, I believe she has a plan for getting out of her abusive relationship that involves your husband. I would remove her entirely from my life and hope my husband was just a fool rather than unfaithful.

OhmygodDont · 08/10/2023 18:41

GoldenSpangles · 08/10/2023 18:31

Call me repressed but I would not be sitting up drinking till the early hours with the husband of a friend. I certainly wouldn't be asking for a hug. I mean there you are alone with him, you throw off your blankets, you're both drunk, and you're hugging. I can't imagine doing this and I can't imagine any of my friends doing it either. This is just trampling over normal boundaries about what is acceptable. Yes, a hug in daylight with you present, no problems, but this is far from that. Personally, I believe she has a plan for getting out of her abusive relationship that involves your husband. I would remove her entirely from my life and hope my husband was just a fool rather than unfaithful.

I always found the partners of women who want to stay up with me or drink with me alone kinda predator like. Always later to find out they cheated on their partners and were creeps.

The men who go to bed or leave with the rest of the group or partner rather than staying with the lone female seem to actually be the decent ones.

5128gap · 08/10/2023 18:50

I think your primary focus here needs to remain with your H. Tempting as it is to focus on her motivation and betrayal (and you will be greatly encouraged to do that on here!) don't.
Your primary relationship is your H and you need to keep his actions front and centre and think about her later, if at all.
Your H is likely lying to you, as its very rare to be so drunk you have no memory, and convenient it happens under these circumstances. Which suggests more happened that you've been told and that he wants to tell you. So you know at minimum you can't trust him and that he doesn't respect the typical boundaries you'd expect in marriage.
What you do about that depends a great deal on the sort of person he is, your history together and whether you believe this was a genuine first indiscretion or have suspicion it was just the first time he's been caught.
Take you time to think it through OP. You're absolutely not overreacting.

BetterWithPockets · 08/10/2023 18:52

Firebug007 · 08/10/2023 17:49

You clearly have very low standards in relationships and really shouldn't be giving others advice, sorry.

Show quote history

Not sure who made you the god of MN, but luckily I don’t have to agree with you. Not you me.

retinolalcohol · 08/10/2023 18:57

I honestly would not even stay up drinking with a friends partner like this, let alone the rest.

The moment you went to bed would have been my cue to leave.

This is, at best, inappropriate closeness outside the relationship. At worst, post sex snuggle as suggested by PP. Either way I couldn't trust either of them again, therefore marriage and friendship over.

Get rid of both

Ladyj84 · 08/10/2023 19:01

I wouldn't fall out with my husband but neither would that friend be staying ever again either

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 08/10/2023 19:03

Ladyj84 · 08/10/2023 19:01

I wouldn't fall out with my husband but neither would that friend be staying ever again either

Really?

5128gap · 08/10/2023 19:04

Ladyj84 · 08/10/2023 19:01

I wouldn't fall out with my husband but neither would that friend be staying ever again either

What about your other friends? If he's inappropriate with one he could try with others. Not much of a marriage if the only way he can behave is if your friends don't stay over.

Dery · 08/10/2023 19:05

This is so strange, OP. I also had the thought that if something was going on between them, then they would surely not have fallen asleep together on the settee for you to find. But there’s an intimacy about doing so that would make me feel very uncomfortable so I completely get where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine doing anything like this with any of my friends’ partners. Just no.

Mummysgogetter · 08/10/2023 19:11

BetterWithPockets · 08/10/2023 17:12

OP, I can see why you’d be upset but I can also see that it might have been innocent — I mean, they’d be pretty bloody stupid to fall asleep like that if anything was going on, wouldn’t they?

But why would anyone (married/partnered with someone else) be in a hug THAT long that they’d fall asleep in their arms???

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/10/2023 19:23

Oh op, I am so sorry. That is such a betrayal. From both of them. She would out of my life, no ifs or buts, totally unacceptable. As you are married to the bloke, that’s a bit more complicated, and I think you probably need to reflect on what you want to do here. I doubt i could get over this tbh. I hope you are ok health-wise too btw - a double betrayal from them given your health. I am so angry on your behalf.

bonzaitree · 08/10/2023 19:30

completely unacceptable.

Whattodo112222 · 08/10/2023 19:36

I wouldn't like this at all..
Cuddling up and falling asleep is so intimate.
I could however forgive if it's a one off but I wouldn't forget.
You've got to ask yourself if it's worth ending your marriage for.

I

Mummysgogetter · 08/10/2023 19:37

ginasevern · 08/10/2023 18:30

@CinnamonSwirl82

Sounds like it was a premonition. I get them sometimes in dreams. I would not forgive my DH for this and please bin your "friend".

This ^ you need him. If this is the first time anything like this has happened with him, then don’t make it easy for him, but see if you can work things out. But bin the bitchy friend - he relationship is in the toilet so she thinks she’ll throw a grenade in yours

OhComeOnFFS · 08/10/2023 19:41

This is so awful - how fucking dare they, especially when you are facing such a big health problem.

It sounds as though they've been really inappropriate for a while.

Do you have children together?

BubziOwl · 08/10/2023 19:51

Well the one thing that's absolutely certain is that you are not overreacting. Not at all. Do not let yourself be gaslighted into thinking you are.

Do you have children with him OP? If not, I'd just not have the motivation to even try to get past this. And the 'friend' can fuck right off, wouldn't even give that a second thought tbh.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially whilst you have health worries too Flowers

PaminaMozart · 08/10/2023 19:56

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 18:25

Thank you. I just don't know how to get through this alone. I feel like I've just lost my DH and best friend at a time I needed them the most.

Show quote history

I'm speechless, and so, so sorry that you are having to go through all this. You are dealing with what is probably the scariest experience of your life, and just when he ought to be your rock and do everything in his power to help you through this...... he deserts you. Because that's what it is, irrespective of any apologies, minimising, 'it wasn't like that' explanations...... he has left you all alone in your hour of need.

I'm not sure there is a way of coming back from such a betrayal. I'm so sorry, @CinnamonSwirl82

Tilllly · 08/10/2023 19:59

Has she left now?

I'm gobsmacked
I'd be angry and upset too

828Pax · 08/10/2023 20:02

Firstly OP I am so sorry that you have been unwell and have the worry from that to deal with. Secondly, the fact that your husband did this when you are going through such a tough time, is absolutely awful. Whether they slept together or not, the intimacy in falling asleep whilst cuddling is crossing a line. She is not your friend. You have not overreacted at all. I would have reacted a hell of a lot more! Wishing you all the best with your biopsy xx

Watchkeys · 08/10/2023 20:05

BetterWithPockets · 08/10/2023 17:12

OP, I can see why you’d be upset but I can also see that it might have been innocent — I mean, they’d be pretty bloody stupid to fall asleep like that if anything was going on, wouldn’t they?

They're pretty stupid to fall asleep like that either way, so it's not really a deciding factor.

winterchills · 08/10/2023 20:22

Wow i would be livid!! You have every right to be pissed off!

LightSpeeds · 08/10/2023 20:36

So sorry this has happened.

From your previous posts I'm picking up that she's not spoken to you much about her abusive relationship but told your husband all about it last night? If so, you absolutely can't trust her and I don't think, from her side, this is as innocent as she might have you believe. She's probably looking for an exit strategy or distraction and your husband could be it. Dump her straight away.

As for your husband, you need to decide if you trust him and can move forward with him.

xx

Loubelle70 · 08/10/2023 20:50

LightSpeeds · 08/10/2023 20:36

So sorry this has happened.

From your previous posts I'm picking up that she's not spoken to you much about her abusive relationship but told your husband all about it last night? If so, you absolutely can't trust her and I don't think, from her side, this is as innocent as she might have you believe. She's probably looking for an exit strategy or distraction and your husband could be it. Dump her straight away.

As for your husband, you need to decide if you trust him and can move forward with him.

xx

Exactly. First thing i thought, if shes OP friend, why didn't she confide in her?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2023 20:59

I certainly hope your husband is packing his bags.