Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm over reacting.

181 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 08/10/2023 16:39

I have a close friend round for the weekend. We were supposed to go for a weekend away but I've just come out of the hospital and I'm too ill to leave the house.

I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night but went to bed and left DH and friend drinking/chatting. Fully trusted them both, done it before, not a problem. She was sat on the other end of the L shaped sofa to him when I left.

Woke up at 4am and he's still not in bed. Went downstairs and they're cuddled up on the sofa fast asleep. Blankets have been thrown behind the sofa; the ones I tucked my friend up in before I went to bed.

I'm so hurt. They insist nothing happened but nothing adds up as to why they'd be cuddled up. She said DH offered her a hug as they'd been discussing her abusive relationship and she got upset (completely fine), but what's not fine is them still being cuddled up like a couple to the point they fell asleep.

She's sobering up then driving home but I've been in bed all day avoiding them. DH keeps coming up to apologise and to ask if I want anything but I just don't want to see them.

I'm wondering if I'm being an absolute drama queen being so upset by this.

OP posts:
naughtybutnicee · 09/10/2023 15:16

Wow

IDriveMySupernova · 09/10/2023 15:30

I don’t understand. How did they end up on the same bit of sofa? If she was upset and looked like she needed a hug, he’d go to her. He would be in a different position on the sofa. Instead he’s in the same position and she’s moved. Which suggests he’s said ‘come here’ or otherwise beckoned her over. The only other explanation I can think of, at a push, is that they hugged, went back to separate bits of the sofa and once he fell asleep she snuggled up to him. But I think that’s unlikely.

That said, I can understand why you don’t want to believe anything happened.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/10/2023 15:30

Your husband is out of order even if you take the best possible version of events.

He shouldn't have stayed downstairs with her no matter what. It's disrespectful to you firstly but secondly, he knows what she's like and shouldn't have put himself in that possession. He also supposedly remembers nothing which is highly unlikely - blackouts are rare unless you are a chronic drinker.

It's one thing giving him the benefit of the doubt, which I understand you want to but leaping to potential sexual assault is another extreme altogether.

Ditch her, focus on your health, deal with him later.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 16:12

He's admitted he royally f*cked up by not going to bed. He said he should've, and he's apologised but it obviously doesn't undo what's happened. Believe me when I say I've screamed at him about the fact he should've come to bed to his sick wife instead of staying up getting drunk with someone who is clearly unhinged. Also that the responsibility for what happened is on him and he absolutely has responsibility to put it all right. I've screamed at him over the fact he thought it was somehow acceptable to spend all day with her downstairs instead of throwing her the hell out and coming upstairs to talk to me. He thought I'd want to talk to them both together, nope. I did that in the morning, called them both out and told her to get out. Why she would think I'd want her to hang around so she could interfere in my marriage even more I don't know. I told DH what happens from here is between me and him, not her, and the priority is our relationship and working out if I even want his ass in this house anymore. Yes, I've kicked off and yes I've put all the blame on him.

But I'd also be kidding myself to say its all his fault and my friend trying to seduce him behind my back? Well, in front of me too thinking back to it. She's gone, she's out my life and I'll be damned if she's ever back in it.

Divorce and cancer are not two things I want to balance so I'd rather get myself better and make my home life as tolerable as possible for now. If I can even look past it. I'm absolutely disgusted with what's happened and right now I can't even look at the bloke.

I'm also not that unreasonable that I'm not going to listen to what happened because right up until the other night he had 100% of my trust.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/10/2023 16:17

CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 14:53

Take the man hating goggles off. If she wasn't inappropriate until he fell asleep, how the hell is that his fault?

Would you blame a woman for falling asleep and a man copping a feel?

Seriously. The fuck is wrong with you

Show quote history

Sorry OP but that’s not true is it? You have said just above that she was in fact inappropriate throughout the day, talking about her nipples, asking if he wanted to see an intimate part of her which was bruised? That is inappropriate behaviour, and despite it he’s stayed downstairs getting drunk with her and then cuddled up to sleep with her.

You’ve changed the narrative now entirely and your husband has become a victim based on absolutely no facts at all, they shared a cuddle and both admitted that, he stayed to spend one on one time with her despite her inappropriate comments throughout the day, he’s conveniently forgotten and her version has very little detail and doesn’t make huge amounts of sense. It doesn’t take a mind reader to fill in what the likely blanks are between 2 people getting drunk downstairs and being found by the wife a few hours later cuddled up inappropriately.

SherbetLemonn · 09/10/2023 16:41

Having read all your updates, I can fully understand why you feel the way you do OP, and understand that divorce and cancer at the same time is just a whole heck of a lot of shit.. but be careful you don’t go too far the other way. I’d be inclined to sit somewhere in the middle; he behaved inappropriately and made an error of judgement, but that there is reasonable doubt that he did anything that was physically cheating (kissing or further) and it seems as though it may well be possible your friend cuddled up to him once he was already asleep. It is blindingly unlikely that he was sexually assaulted, so try to take a step back from that, and from making him into a victim here, when it’s you who’s been betrayed by your friend and hurt by your husband.

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 16:53

Also, don't feel totally dependent on him for your support - that's what MN is for 💐

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 17:06

given your health, had intimacy dropped at all? These things could have played into it

What the actual fuck, @TurnerP

I don't normally swear, but you are so out of order I am going to report your post.

TurnerP · 09/10/2023 17:28

As in made him more susceptible to her advances, if there were any?
Sorry

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 17:31

Do you really think that’s what she tried to do, wait till he was asleep then cop a feel? That that’s what happened?I think maybe you’re just upset and scared to blame him due to your health? Which is understandable

you said she was your best friend, so you must have history but you’re so keen to make her the perpetrator and get rid , and say he’s done nothing more than not come to bed.

I don’t understand why he stayed downstairs with her all day. Or why she stayed so long. She could have went to a local cafe or hotel, just called a taxi. Or he could easily have left her downstairs and sat with you. I can’t comprehend why he didn’t.

spending the day together downstairs after this, whilst you sit in your room, is just for me very odd.

for the poster who said it was disrespectful for him to stay up with her I disagree. I’ve often stayed up with male friends after others gone to bed, and yes been found asleep on the same sofa or head on their legs, but no one ever has even done a double take in the morning,as there is not just nothing other than friendship there, we all trust each other implicitly. And rightly so.

which makes me wonder if you were already concerned about her, and his feelings for her, especially as you are recounting her comments like they were a big deal to you at the time.

Did you already see her as a risk?

Mummysgogetter · 09/10/2023 18:24

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:33

The very fact that he stayed downstairs with YOUR friend after you went to bed is indicative that he planned this.

It's disrespectful as fuck to be alone with a single woman in private when you are married (assuming it's not family or perhaps a friend of many years of his that nothing has ever happened with). Let alone the fact that if would make most women very uncomfortable if they are only there to see their friend and now they are stuck in a room at night with a guy.

She may have just cuddled him rather than create a scene and potentially end up out on her arse in the small hours of the morning. And now she's downplaying his behaviour because she doesn't want to think about how fucking creepy it was. Or break up her friends marriage. Or she knows you would pick him over you and just doesn't want to lose you right now with whatever else is going on.

She MIGHT have an excuse. He, has none.

Edited

Oh come on now 🙄 - what you have typed is so far fetched it should start “In a land far, far away where the pixies and fairies live…”

Mummysgogetter · 09/10/2023 18:26

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 14:43

Even worse that she is vulnerable after abuse and your creepy bastard husband has exploited that. He's no better than her ex. He's a pig. Even if she was complicit, she was recovering from abuse, and, drunk.

And if she's hanging around still it sounds like she's latched onto him as some sort of rescuer unfortunately.

Stop it, you’re killing me 🤣🤣🤣 please look into fiction writing

Mummysgogetter · 09/10/2023 18:36

For what it’s worth OP, I don’t think your husband is whiter than white - he was wrong to stay up late with her, especially with the crude comments said by her earlier in the day. However, you’re right, in the situation you are in with your health, you’ve got to box up the situation with your DH until you know what’s happening with diagnosis etc.

I don’t care what anyone says though, she sounds like she’s after throwing a grenade in your life because hers is on the rocks.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 09/10/2023 19:16

I do feel threatened by her.

Right now I look awful, I get dizzy just from doing my hair so it's constantly tied up. I can't drive anymore as my head can't process fast movement. I can't walk for more than 5 minutes or I overheat and pass out. There's no sex as I'm constantly bleeding and the tablets they've given me have destroyed my libido. I can't eat, don't want to eat and I'm losing weight at an alarming rate. I hate myself.

She's beautiful. She's confident, nice body, extroverted. I know my partner wishes I had more of her confidence and would dance with him on a night out. I feel like she's the woman he wishes I was.

Of course he tells me he loves me and I'm his world and he's going to fight every battle with me to get me back to my old self. I believe him. We've cried together about it so many times.

My mood and confidence are at an all time low and it makes me feel awful to see someone else there that could make him happier than me.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 09/10/2023 19:43

Im sorry you feel this way
You need to remember that you are beautiful, still are and always will be, and from what it seems, especially in the eyes of your husband

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 19:57

This must be so incredibly hard for you. Do you have support other than your husband? Do you have a designated MacMillan nurse you could talk to, or a counsellor?

I think it would be best if you could focus on yourself just now and be totally selfish. Easy for me to say, I know....... I wish I could help.

Freeme31 · 09/10/2023 20:18

OP you are beautiful especially on the inside & would not hurt people unlike your Ex-friend who may look nice on the outside but is clearly rotten to the core on the inside- no one would want that type of person possibly why she's single & now friendless! Please focus on you right now you sound like a warm/trusting/beautiful human being 🤗

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/10/2023 22:43

@Mrsttcno1

Sorry OP but that’s not true is it? You have said just above that she was in fact inappropriate throughout the day, talking about her nipples, asking if he wanted to see an intimate part of her which was bruised? That is inappropriate behaviour, and despite it he’s stayed downstairs getting drunk with her and then cuddled up to sleep with her.

I believe that was about the man at the gig that OP's friend was throwing herself at. Not the OP's DH

MsDogLady · 10/10/2023 00:58

@CinnamonSwirl82, you are the true beauty in this story.

This OW’s self-serving agenda to sabotage your marriage was crystal clear. She may be an attractive extrovert, but she possesses a severely deficient moral compass and a mean streak. Your H has played right into her hands and made damaging choices for his own validation.

He was well aware that she’d been aiming her sexual energy and come-ons at him all day, yet he prioritized being alone with her instead of you throughout Saturday night and all of Sunday.

He should have definitively distanced himself from her, and certainly should not have colluded in the next step of her seduction agenda by playing her KISA and hugging comforter. It sounds like a part of him was flattered by her flirting and neediness, which needs to be addressed. It’s difficult to believe that he slept through her backing into him and snuggling up against him from 11:30 to 4:00.

I’m surprised that you and H allowed her to stay in your home after her marathon thirsty routine on Saturday. She should have been tossed out earlier that day after she cranked up her nipple-talk and offers for H to peek at her bruised intimate part. His subsequently staying up to drink with her, offering a hug, sleeping snuggled up, and then staying with her all day Sunday, despite your great upset — all indicate his porous boundaries for her. His excuse that he allowed her to stay because he thought you’d want to speak to them both is totally lame. She didn’t want to leave and he chose to please her. As suggested above, he must address his vulnerability to her cheap ego kibbles.

@CinnamonSwirl82, H deserves every bit of your anger and disgust, but not your guilt that he is somehow being deprived. You are his wonderful, beautiful, loving Wife who has been bravely enduring symptoms and fighting for a diagnosis. Nobody can hold a candle to you, especially this manipulative, morally bankrupt OW. You deserve H’s utmost adoration, respect and support, just as you give to him. To share this journey together is an absolute privilege.

I hope that he is truly remorseful and will work proactively to restore your trust.

Louise303 · 10/10/2023 02:07

You had to throw her out that is crazy you stayed upstairs and left her there all day. She did not have to drive but could of gone somewhere else to sober up you are blaming her but your hubby must have been happy to cuddle or whatever else.

Louise303 · 10/10/2023 02:14

If that was the case he would of been upstairs in bed with his wife instead of downstairs with someone that offered to show her bruised bits.

MsDogLady · 10/10/2023 21:08

@CinnamonSwirl82, I’ve been thinking of you. How are you doing today?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 11/10/2023 21:12

Thanks everyone for your really kind words ❤️

DH is absolutely in the dog house. He's been doing everything he can to try put a smile back on my face and has been really supportive with medical things the past couple of days.

I messaged ex friends fiancé to let him know what she was up to. I told him I'm also concerned for her mental state as she's never been like this historically, but he has every right to know. He said he's had his suspicions but hasn't had any evidence. He's grateful... if that's the right word?

It's just all a bit of a mess at the moment but I'm focusing on my health as a priority and trying to keep my mental wellbeing in check too.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/10/2023 21:19

I’m not surprised your heads all over the place and what with being so sick I’m not surprised you’re not kicking your DH out.

I think I’d said this before but he definitely wouldn’t be getting a pass on this. I’d be waiting until I was better and then deciding what I’d do.

Hope you get/feel better OP, thinking of you.