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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done something really stupid

217 replies

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 02:56

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

OP posts:
notamilf · 01/10/2023 03:03

What would you think if it was the other way round and your partner had done this? How new is the relationship?

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 03:08

Tell your man what happened and let him decide whether he wants to be with you. Go back to counselling whatever happens with the boyfriend. Consider stopping drinking. Get tested for STIs.

Moonlamp · 01/10/2023 03:27

Men's acceptance does not validate your worth as a person.

Every time you engage in such behaviour you don't gain validility as a woman, you just lose a little bit of yourself to them.

Take control, be honest. Is your new boyfriend 'the one' anyway?

Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:34

I’d be devastated. We’ve been seeing each other for 5 months.

OP posts:
Kedece2410 · 01/10/2023 03:36

You tell your partner. Firstly so he can tested for STIs & secondly for him to decide if you have a future together.

Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:37

@Moonlamp Yep you’re absolutely right. The attention hasn’t validated me one bit. I feel dreadful.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:39

@Kedece2410 i’m such a coward and I don’t want to hurt him but I’m going to have to. It’s inevitable.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:41

@ShakeVigorouslyNow i’ve been considering stopping drinking for a while now anyway and have cut down considerably. I know the drink isn’t an excuse though. This was all me and a stupid, ridiculously impulsive decision.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 03:47

Kedece2410 · 01/10/2023 03:36

You tell your partner. Firstly so he can tested for STIs & secondly for him to decide if you have a future together.

I might be missing something here, but why would OP's partner need to test himself for STI's when this encounter took place a couple of nights ago, and OP has not seen her partner since?

I mean, this encounter, as yet, has no bearing at all on OP's partner's sexual health.

Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:50

I want to punish myself though not him. He’s a good man. I’m so confused. I know it’s early days, whether he’s the one remains to be seen but having got out of a horribly abusive relationship 18 months ago I feel like I can’t trust my gut. This won’t happen again. Ever. Well that’s what I’m telling myself anyway as I feel so shit about it but I’m a cheat at the end of the day - once a cheat always a chat right?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:52

@XDownwiththissortofthingX i will get myself tested as soon as I get back. We live in different counties so I doubt I’ll see him until the weekend anyway.

OP posts:
GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 03:53

No, I wouldn't tell him. You made a stupid mistake. Telling would only make you feel less guilty and him feel very bad and he might well end the relationship. Take this as a lesson and channel your guilt towards making sure that it never happens again. You might want to make some decisions about drinking too. I would absolutely get tested for STIs and make some excuse about thrush or something to your partner till you are tested. I only hope you had enough self-respect to make him use condoms.

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2023 03:57

Telling would only make you feel less guilty and him feel very bad and he might well end the relationship.

AS HE HAS A TOTAL RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO DO.

I hate all the infidelity apologists on these threads who think that fucking your partner over once by cheating isn’t enough, you should fuck them over a second time too by lying to them about who they’re in a relationship with.

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 03:58

So you got out of an abusive relationship and now you are with a nice man and you seem to have tried to sabotage things. Is it because you don't feel you deserve a nice man? Have you had other abusive relationships in the past? You do deserve a nice man and you should keep your mouth firmly shut about what happened and cut down on the drinking. I had an iron clad rule at work social functions about one glass of wine and that rule saved me from a world of trouble that I saw some others get into. You might want to have that sort of rule when you are out.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 01/10/2023 04:01

Don’t tell him, but restart therapy. I know it’s obviously not ideal what you’ve done but you sound really fragile so try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to pick up the pieces.

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2023 04:01

You made a stupid mistake.

And here’s the other classic cheater’s excuse. Forgetting the chicken is in the oven and burning it to a crisp is a stupid mistake. Adding up a bill wrong and accidentally charging someone too much is a stupid mistake.

Pouring alcohol down your throat, flirting with someone, kissing that someone, having sex with that someone, getting in touch with that someone the next day to find out if there’s more on offer or if once was enough… that’s a series of shitty, selfish choices that were made intentionally.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 04:03

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:50

I want to punish myself though not him. He’s a good man. I’m so confused. I know it’s early days, whether he’s the one remains to be seen but having got out of a horribly abusive relationship 18 months ago I feel like I can’t trust my gut. This won’t happen again. Ever. Well that’s what I’m telling myself anyway as I feel so shit about it but I’m a cheat at the end of the day - once a cheat always a chat right?

once a cheat always a chat right?

This is really just a banal trope that doesn't need to have any bearing on your life from here on in.

You sound suitably remorseful and well aware you have made a mistake, so while "fundamental honesty" sounds all noble and worthy in principle, in reality it's just going to upset one more person on top of the one that is already upset.

If you tell your partner one of two things will happen. He'll either dump you straight away, either being upset, angry, both, or neither, depending on how he truly feels about you, or, he'll be upset, have a think about things, and possibly decide that as you've been honest and remorseful there might be some way to continue with your relationship. If you do continue in the relationship having been honest, he'll forever know that you were unfaithful at least once, and personally I don't think my relationship would ever recover from that no matter how much I tried to work at it and pretend everything was ok.

Alternatively, you live in the moment, accept how awful you feel right now about what you have done, you move on from it, leave it in the past as a mistake that you made, in time forgive yourself to the point that you can live with it, you are human after all and humans make mistakes, you do not tell anyone about it, and you work with your therapist again to deal with your issues.

As I said, fundamental honesty is a noble principle, but in practice it just tends to lead to everyone being more miserable, and sometimes some things are best left unsaid. If I was your partner, I would not want to know, and I'd seriously wonder what on earth you thought you were achieving by telling me.

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2023 04:11

To the OP: I think if you’ve made choices in the past that you’ve needed to work through with a therapist because they felt out of alignment with who you want to be, then you won’t be doing your sense of integrity and self-esteem any favours by lying to your boyfriend so as not to hurt him.

Yes, telling him about it will likely hurt him and yes, you’ll probably (though not necessarily) get dumped for it, but it will be a clean, honest pain.

Guilt from dishonesty is a dirty, festering pain that lingers for years and saps your ability to relax and fully enjoy the relationship.

I know which one I’d choose.

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 04:27

Everyone makes mistakes. What defines our character is not that we stumble, but how we get up and carry on.

You need to tell him, and you know that. It would be unfair and disrespectful to take from him the right to make decisions based on complete information. Besides, the truth ALWAYS comes out. And if it takes years, he will be more angry about the secret than the actual event. As he should be. You say he's a good man, if that is true, he deserves the respect of being told the truth.

You may lose him. That is heartbreaking, I know, I hate that for you. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, better people. You say you've recently ended an abusive relationship, perhaps this is your subconscious letting you know that you're not ready for a serious relationship.

You fucked up. You know it. You clearly are feeling awful. That's ok, feel awful for a while. Then learn from it. Pull up your big girl panties, face your consequences, then forgive yourself. We ALL make mistakes. But we are strong, smart women, and we learn from those mistakes and become better people.

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 04:35

I imagine, statistically speaking, quite a lot of women on mumsnet have husbands that have cheated on them and they are totally unaware. But somehow women are happy to gang up on somebody who has made a stupid mistake.

If my husband has ever cheated on me in 30 years, he has had the good grace to have never let me find out about it. But if he told me he had cheated on me 5 months in to our relationship all those years ago, I'd be angry and upset that he told me, I wouldn't end the marriage because we have a good life together and I'd be mostly regretful that he told me to offload his guilt and make himself happier and make me unhappier. I wouldn't find it better for being "good clean pain" as one poster put it.

sfjonesie · 01/10/2023 04:43

I think you’re being far too hard on yourself. I would chalk it up to experience, forget it happened and move forward in your existing relationship. I think the talking to you’re already giving yourself will deliver enough punishment. Forgive yourself, say never again, and move on.

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2023 04:44

I wouldn't find it better for being "good clean pain" as one poster put it.

”Clean, honest pain” is what I said @GoldenSpangles , as opposed to festering dishonest guilt. No pain is good but some types are better than others.

But if you prefer the sound of a relationship founded on dishonesty, I suppose that’s your prerogative.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 04:45

I'd be mostly regretful that he told me to offload his guilt and make himself happier and make me unhappier

Entirely this. Good god, this.

The whole "you need to tell him" thing is such bullshit. It's not about empowering him, it's about alleviating your own guilt by dropping a load of unnecessary emotional turmoil on him, while simultaneously playing the "I know what I did was wrong, but it's up to you if you want to continue" card, which is doubly nasty because it puts the onus on reconciliation on someone who has done nothing wrong, and has just had a load of emotional shit dropped on them by the wrongdoer and is highly unlikely to be in any position to make reasonable, considered decisions.

If you genuinely can't continue your relationship because you cheated, and you are having an attack of conscience, then the decent thing to do is end the relationship immediately, but have the courtesy to spare your partner the head-fuck of knowing that you were unfaithful. A simple "I've had a think, and this isn't working for me, goodbye and good luck" will still be a shock, but it won't completely wreck someone the same way as "I've cheated on you, so I'm leaving you (but I'm also open to you forgiving me)" will.

Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:46

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:52

@XDownwiththissortofthingX i will get myself tested as soon as I get back. We live in different counties so I doubt I’ll see him until the weekend anyway.

It takes a few weeks to get an accuracy result for bacterial infections and upto 3 months for viral.

Please make an excuse and don't have sex with him until you're tested.

Ffsnotaconference · 01/10/2023 04:47

Op you are so upset because this man made it clear he wasn’t interested in something more.

What if he was? You would have had send with him again? If he wanted more would you have considered ending your relationship?

Surely the fact that this man wanted nothing else is better for you? I don’t understand you judgement that he ‘got what he wanted and that’s it’. Did he tell you he wanted a relationship with you? Did he promise you something if you slept with him and now is going back on it?

The ‘he for what he wanted’ implies you didn’t. What more did you want? Or that he used you in some way? Or that you wanted more and he knew that and used it to sleep with you? But you are also saying you didn’t want more, you want the relationship you have.

So do you actually want to make it work with your boyfriend? Or are you saying you only want to make it work with him because this other man doesn’t want you?