I’ve done something really stupid

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

@whatisnormalanyway101

You obviously don't think as much of the man you're in a relationship with as you're trying to make out, or you wouldn't have gone and shagged someone else.

I've been with my (now) husband for the best part of 35 years now. I'd only been dating him for five weeks when me and my friend went on a hen night and I was hit on left, right, and centre (as were the other women in the 'do.') I wasn't interested even remotely, all the men were repugnant to me, and I pushed every single man away. - I stayed completely faithful to the guy I was dating, and married several years later (and am still married to!) even though we were only 5 weeks in, cuz I really properly liked him.

If you're shagging around 5 months in, then this man isn't for you. He's not the one for you, and you're definitely not the one for him. Do him a favour and dump him. Let him have somebody else who cares for him more. He deserves better than someone who shags other men when they're pissed. I have been drunk many times (moreso when I was younger) and amazingly I have managed to not shag any other man but my husband, in 35 years!

OP - draw a line under it and don't feel guilty - it's a waste of time and energy.

But what I would do is watch the drinking! Sorry to sound like a finger-wagging parent, but that's what seems to be the issue here. Do you think you would have done this without the booze? If not, then the answer is clear, going forward. Just have a couple of glasses and keep your judgement intact.

If you would have done this while sober then you need to think about what you really want in life. You can go on doing this sort of thing but you'll have to choose between that lifestyle and a more permanent relationship.

No don't tell him. What stays in Vegas, remains in Vegas!

@FadeAwayAndRadiate
I’m happy that you’ve had such a long, faithful and unruffled union, that gives you such lofty moral high ground that you can say things like this to a woman who’s come here in distress:

“He's not the one for you, and you're definitely not the one for him. Do him a favour and dump him. Let him have somebody else who cares for him more. He deserves better than someone who shags other men when they're pissed.”

. But this is nothing to do with where the @whatisnormalanyway101 finds herself.

Watch ‘Redeeming Love’ on Amazon Prime it’s heartbreaking.

You need to tell your partner.

Do not feel shame or guilt deal with the consequences of your actions and move on with your life.

If he wants to move on with you then that’s his choice.

Presumably you're not on holiday alone? Therefore other people are likely to be aware, or at least have an inkling, as to what's happened.

If you choose not to tell your BF, at some stage, the truth will come out. Or at least hints of it. It may be years, but something will be said and then you'll have to deal with the consequences.

Personally, I think it would be worse to find out that you've done something wrong and hidden the lie.

I'd be honest, and take the consequences, whatever they may be. And then learn from it.

I think your last post changes everything op. This is a relapse. They happen. The most important thing about relapses is not to let them derail you. I don't think you should tell your boyfriend. I do think you should get more help. No one is perfect and you sound nice, Sending a virtual hug xxx

OP I think you'd be better off staying single for awhile and working on yourself. At least then if you sleep with anyone else etc you won't have this guilt to contend with. I can't see that being in a relationship is bringing anything positive to your life. Set your boyfriend free to find someone better suited to a relationship, take the pressure off and just work on yourself for awhile.

@Fuckthatguy genuinely sorry if that comment has offended anyone. It's not the cheating that I was referencing, it was the lack of impulse control. The OP mentioned mental health issues which can go hand in hand with undiagnosed ADHD. I was only trying to help the OP as my friend had similar issues - lack of impulse control leading to poor mental health and low self worth. It's a vicious cycle but can be massively helped with meditation.

I know exactly what she said and she's saying that from a point of view of someone who already has been married for 30 years, probably has children, life and history with her husband so of course not wanting to know makes more sense (but not for everyone) as she already had that life with him and otherwise would not have had it.

OP's boyfriend has only been with OP for few months. He's not losing 30 years of marriage and he could easily find someone else to build his life with. If he is a descent man he will be much better off finding someone who didn't cheat on him and which whom he can have an honest relationship with, not the one built on lie. At this point in his life he's losing nothing as he can have a happy marriage and life with another woman and he's not going to be fantasising about what he would have been missing with OP.

@Libelula21 stop making excuses it’s tiresome now, as for claiming it’s different if a woman cheats? Why exactly?

@stillthinking22 I’ll attribute your posting on the subject to ‘clumsiness’, but ADHD and mental health and addiction issues are not mutually exclusive the way your post is reading.

@stillthinking22 I should also say that you obviously mean well

Telling him won’t alleviate the guilt at all. If anything it would make it worse.

Yes, exactly this@whatisnormalanyway101 . So you need to avoid making things worse for yourself - this is not what you need and won't help you at all. You need to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, love and value yourself, avoid any occasion to further blame and punish yourself or to elicit blame and punishment from others.
After your recent broken relationship, it's understandable that anything feels like a new wound and your self-esteem isn't normal yet. But you won't accomplish anything by calling yourself names and further belittling and blaming yourself. As @GoldenSpangles said, you still tend to sabotage your relationship with your BF because deep down you feel that you don't deserve anything good. This is wrong - try to recognise and fight this self-destructive tendency. Equally self-destructive is excess drinking. But you know it already, right? You're the only one who has to forgive yourself! So do that and move on.

I'll be sure to remember this the next time some poor Woman appears on these boards in shreds because her partner or husband has been to Magaluf with the lads and had a lap dance / one night stand / orgy / whatever.

'Don't worry' I'll say. 'What happens in Maga stays in Maga, therefore it can't hurt you'.

Give over. Whatever the background is to why OP did what she did, it can't be undone. The guy she's seeing deserves to either know and make his own decision, or be cut loose and not have to.

I think you should end it with current bf, get sober and do some intensive therapy.

my friends know about it

secrets always have a way of coming out,
they could let it slip by accident or they can gossip and it will find its way back to your boyfriend

when my ex was cheating, his friends couldn’t look me in the eye and had other body language, because they had guilty knowledge

you claim to want to be with this guy but don’t respect him enough to be honest with him, how would you feel if he did this to you?

OP there is really no point in beating yourself up. You made a mistake and you regret it. I can understand the guilt and anger with yourself but you are feeling low and this won’t help.

we have all done things we regret and all paid the price with guilt. You are human and fallible. If a friend approached you with your exact scenario how would you treat that friend. Would you berate them, tell them how awful they are, what a bad person they are- or would you listen, with empathy and support ? As a good friend should. Be that friend to yourself. You will get past this. You won’t always feel this bad.

It doesnt sound like this is the 1st time you have cheated in a relationship op.
Probably best to end it you dont need to tell him why and look an non monogamous relationships

Yes, just lie to him as well as cheat on him so the whole basis of the relationship- trust and honesty is false.
FFS!

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

As I've already mentioned, "fundamental honesty" is noble in principle, but it isn't a basis for workable relationships between human beings. Internet forums, Mumsnet included, tend to be hugely fond of straight forward black or white thinking, with little nuance, and no apparent comprehension of the fact that humans are flawed, they are not black or white, humanity and life exists in shades of grey, and there are times where it serves no worthwhile purpose to be fundamentally, brutally honest.

Try it, but if you adopt a policy of 100% honesty, at least have the decency to operate that policy literally, and then see how far you get. Tell your partner that no, you don't want to watch TV with them because their taste is crap and it bores you to tears. Tell your partner that no, the meal they slaved over for hours wasn't great, in fact, you've had far better on multiple occasions. Try it, see how far it gets you, and how quickly you realise that not only is 100% honesty not a good thing, lies and dishonesty are actually essential for human relationships to persist for any length of time whatsoever.

This is such nonsense, and a perfect example of the kind of black and white thinking you're supposedly against.

Leaving aside that as a previous poster said, a small white lie about a bad meal is quite a different situation to hiding the fact that you've cheated, it is perfectly possible to be honest without being brutal in almost all circumstances, and if you can't do that, honesty isn't the problem, the problem is your limited communication skills.

"Hon, I'm not a huge fan of Survivor, but I'm happy to read on the couch while you watch!"

"Hmm, Love Island isn't really my thing but what do you reckon about Ted Lasso?"

"Babe, we have so many things in common but you know our taste in TV isn't one of them. How about we pick a movie or play cards instead?"

"Thank you so much for the effort you put into that dinner! The potatoes were great. My turn to do something special next week."

"To be honest, sweetheart, I struggle to eat curries that hot but would love to try it again sometime with less chilli."

See how it works?

The OP's honesty to her boyfriend could sound something like this.

"Bob, I have something really difficult to tell you. When I was away on holiday, I got very drunk one night and slept with someone else. He is not someone I'll ever be in contact with again. I made a really bad choice under the influence of too much alcohol, and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I'm so, so, sorry to have to tell you, but I felt you deserved my honesty and to be able to make your own choices about whether or how we go forward together.

"I want you to know my cheating was not at all about you or whether I want to be with you. I care about you a great deal, and this was all about my own insecurities and issues, and not any lack on your part. I know you'll be feeling really hurt, but I really hope we can work through this. If I'm honest, I've been finding our long-distance relationship really hard, and while it's not an excuse, I think it played into my bad choices. If we were to stay together, I'd like for us to find ways to be together more. I also see I've made similar bad choices around drinking before and have tried to work through it in therapy, but clearly I need to do more work. I've realised I need to stop drinking because I just don't make these kinds of choices sober. That's a commitment I'm going to make whether you want to continue this relationship or not."

OP,

I think you need to discuss this with your therapist before coming to any conclusions.

Are you positive that your relationship is meant to be exclusive? If you have never discussed this, I think that changes things somewhat.

Occasionally people truly learn a forever lesson from an experience like this. Then it is tricky to know whether confessing is a good idea. More often, sadly it seems that they do not. In spite of good intentions. Then, failing to confess really is taking away the other person’s agency.

I also agree with PPs who wonder whether your friends will really be able to keep the secret.

My own perspective is that an ex was a cheater and substance abuser, and I wish I’d broken things off the first time he confessed. He said all the right things but it didn’t last long. OTOH he scorned therapy. Good on you for getting help.

*no I didn’t want more (he lives on a totally different continent).

I think part of my problem is that it validates my feeling of not being able to trust myself or anyone else.

This man has proved that as he was clearly spinning me a line to get me into bed and that stings*

This is very contradictory.

As is op saying in the op that he got what he wanted and he made it clear it was just a ons the next day.

If op only wanted an ons, why would she have cared if he was spinning her a line, and why would she have cared if he made it clear the next day that it was just a ons. I don't get it.

A woman who had decided to take the opportunity for a shag would've just inwardly rolled her eyes at the lines, and/or made it clear no lines were necessary. And would t have been too bothered about him making it clear it was only a ons the next day (her attitude would've been "you're wasting your effort making that clear, mate - you were good for a shag, get over yourself you twat".

This doesn't make much sense.

In any case I don't think the op is coming back.

Re her bf, she's apparently starting threads about his underwhelming dick size and ED, it's a long distance relationship, and now she hasn't been able to go on a hol without fucking someone else on it ..... Seems like she needs to let him go.

You feel upset and guilty because the man wasn't interested in you and you feel used. Well, that's what your bf is going to feel like plus the betrayal part of your cheating. You don't feel bad for your bf one bit, you feel bad for yourself only. Just split up from him, he deserves the chance to be in a relationship with someone who isn't deceitful.