I’ve done something really stupid

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

With the risk of sounding overly invested in this mess, the other thing which strikes me from these responses, is that’s some posters are feeling very sorry for the OPs hangover induced anxiety and remorse for shagging some random person on her first holiday away from the apparent boyfriend, because there are addiction and so-called impulse control issues. This is not aimed anyone specifically.

If say that is even true, some posters allude to the fact OP is vulnerable and at risk (arguably correct due to the excessive drinking), but on the flip side OP could be a raging narcissist and only remorseful because she could be caught out - usually what men on here are accused of if the wife comes here for support for being cheated on. Why the pandering to someone who has most likely not been in a dissimilar position previously based on the minimal context provided.

This thread has been an eye opener as to the lengths some will go to justify and excuse behaviour which by baseline standards are generally unacceptable. Why is this ok because OP is sad and in self destruct mode? Why are standards so low, and excused because having an honest conversation is too difficult? I can’t buy into this.

Fully rational and emotionally healthy adults do not enter into relationships by gaining what they want through deception, that’s settings oneself up to fail, and really not very smart. It’s not self preserving, as some suggest the position the OP should take by putting herself first now because we’ll, it’s all about self care at this point, besides the harm the potentially to to other involved parties. I said potentially as it’s been said the boyfriend is possibly married/cheating/already has STIs 🙄

Yes, I’m sure OP won’t come back as she wants validation albeit in a different form that, there there it’s fine, carry on. It’s not fine, it’s time for some introspection and raising some standards in my view, but OP and others may disagree of course, feels way to enabling to me but that’s just my lone opinion.

…never the less, I’m out, this thread is hugely depressing.

I agree @Fuckthatguy

To be honest, I don’t necessarily have an issue with how sympathetic, understanding and compassionate people are being with the OP.

But then the same sympathy, understanding and compassion should then be shown to men who cheat.

We all know that would never, ever happen.

When women cheat, there’s an underlying reason (or reasons), it’s no big deal, a mistake. Just move on.

When men cheat, and provide the underlying reason, say it was a mistake, no big deal, meant nothing - they’re eviscerated.

Maybe (probably!) those men deserve that. But then, so would the OP.

This thread is a real case study in how much we relate to other women and are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt (no bad thing, per se), and how much we do not relate to men.

I’m guilty of this myself. It’s just really interesting to see it play out so obviously.

We humans are often real hypocrites.

How did you know OP is the same poster as the other one?

But I agree with you on the rest of it.

I still can’t believe most of MN on this thread is “oh don’t tell him, it’s fine” when as I said before for men it’s totally the opposite. Such double standards.

My main concern is it reads like the rejection the next day was the issue that mainly upset you

whereas if it really was a massive mistake you would have run for the hills and not ever spoken again , and not given a shit about this

I think you need to think very hard if you really are in integrity with your current man ?

I wasn’t going to come back to this but I’ve read through the whole thread again and just want to clear up a few things.

I’ve never cheated before. I was in an 8 year relationship with another man which ended a year ago and didn’t even look at anyone else. That speaks volumes right now I know.

I could have undiagnosed ADHD but have been with the same psych since 2016 through multiple hospital admissions, so I’m sure it would have been picked up by now if this was the case.

I do have BPD and am on mood stabilisers, anti psychotics, benzos, anti depressants and sleeping tablets. I’ve tried CBT, DBT and other intense therapies. I’m trying so hard but at my age surely something should have fallen into place by now?

I know this sounds ridiculous given the situation, but my moral compass is higher than it was through my late teens to 30’s. Self worth, self esteem, trust issues are all rock bottom but I don’t even know how to start with solving those. Work on these things with your therapist sounds so fucking easy for people to say but it’s not.

I’m pretty much done with life tbh and if it wasn’t for the fact that against all odds, I’ve got the most amazing child who is doing his Oxbridge exams this year to study psychology in September, I would end it.

Maybe this all screams poor me but it’s not. I’m pragmatic and seriously don’t know what else to do. I was on my own for 10 years before I met my last long term boyfriend and never managed to be happy being single so what the fuck do i do now?

being drunk is no excuse and l’m not blaming my friends, but this man had hit on me previously during the holiday and I’d been adamant i wasn’t going there. had it been me supporting them, there’s no way I’d have left them alone with him. I’ve realised that the rejection the following day was the thing that hurt most. I have a feeling he lied to be about his situation (divorced) but seemed genuine, which again feeds into me feeling I can’t trust myself or anyone else.

I’m home now, a line has been drawn under it, have finished it with bf and will get tested for STI (which seems ridiculously difficult in my area as everything is by post and ordering a kit seems impossible - none available try tomorrow).

This thread had made interesting (if difficult) reading, and I tend to err on the side of PP’s who’s opinion is that it is different for women. Men are predators I don’t think women are. Men seek out sex - women often use it for different reasons. I don’t want to start another debate about that - it’s just my opinion for what it’s worth.

You have a right to your opinion OP that women have different "other" reasons, that men seek out sex and women have "other reasons" - a lame excuse. I, like others, believe there are double standards on here. Fidelity is important, but maybe your past has never gifted you with the right role models where you could see its worth and priority.

When in a relationship, dont have ONSs whether you're male or female, is my view fwiw, it's that simple, and is a route to a stable happy life if with the right person and the commitment is two way. Maybe your 5 month relationship wasn't what you wanted so there was nothing at stake when you had your holiday fling, but it's now making you unhappy and back on your own again. That's sad.

ultimately this situation is yours to own and do something with. Either use it to learn and grow or continue to ruminate and not move forward.

Another poster identified it as the same op.

You’re sounding a lot calmer which is good.

Life’s not easy and god knows we all make mistakes. You came here admitting fault and there was no need for anyone to turn this into another chapter of The Scarlet Letter.

You’ve had challenging circumstances and still managed to bring up a bright and able young man. You’re giving yourself some time and space to sort out your head, and get a sexual health check.

Good luck going forward.

PS - I used Kate Bee’s Sober School to help sort out my drinking - not cheap but definitely worth it for me.

@daisychain01 it’s not an excuse for my behaviour just my opinion. I’m not as good as others on here at articulating what I think so maybe I didn’t come across as well as others.

ONS’s are not acceptable do for men or women in relationships. If you’re in a relationship it’s 100% a no go.

This man told me he was divorced, I was his first after splitting with his wife bla bla bla. With hindsight, I’m not sure this is true but in the moment I(stupidly) believed him.

I’m owning it, coming to terms with it and will move forward.

@Libelula21 thank you for your kind words. I’ve read just about every quit lit book out there (this naked mind being the one that resonated most) but will look into Kate Bee’s sober school.

I do feel a lot calmer but I’m terrified for my future. My mental health has improved (crises are less frequent) but the intrusive thoughts and feelings are still there and I have a crushing fear of loneliness.

Scared to be lonely fucks over companion. I don't understand what him being divorced has to do with you cheating on your boyfriend though... divorced or not you were still unfaithful to your partner.

This thread had made interesting (if difficult) reading, and I tend to err on the side of PP’s who’s opinion is that it is different for women. Men are predators I don’t think women are. Men seek out sex - women often use it for different reasons. I don’t want to start another debate about that - it’s just my opinion for what it’s worth.

The person being cheated on feels the same hurt and betrayal, though.

This man told me he was divorced, I was his first after splitting with his wife bla bla bla. With hindsight, I’m not sure this is true but in the moment I(stupidly) believed him

What does that have to do with anything, you shouldnt have put yourself in that situation. You say it as if that's the perfect reason for you to cheat on your bf, self awareness fail

Having read your update I can see you are my age and have been through a lot

im really sorry you have such intensely challenging mental health issues

sounds like a period of dull sobriety and single life might be needed to be honest

I hope you can heal and get to a calmer place and appreciate it doesn’t seem possible right now x

You have a 'sleeping with men once you've had a drink' problem.

Its not the alcohol but your lack of self control surrounding the alcohol and once you've consumed it. Stop drinking so much for starters. Grow up. Tell your bf or end it.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together, you know if the tables were turned you'd be devastated. So do the right thing. I actually don't think you're in any way shape or form, ready to be in a relationship if you can't get rid of these behaviours.

Work on yourself. More. Until you're at the point where you can go out and not sleep with some randomer, I wouldn't even THINK of getting involved with someone who's feelings you'll hurt so bad. Otherwise you'll just have a long list of exes you've cheated on. Don't be that woman. Focus on healing and making massive changes.

Yes. You're very determined to paint yourself as a victim here. You fancied a bloke on holiday. You got pissed and fucked him.

He wasn't interested in anything more - obviously. He wasn't being a predator, he was up for a drunken holiday shag, as were you.

It doesn't matter if he's married or divorcing or whatever. You're not in a place to be in a committed relationship.