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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done something really stupid

217 replies

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 02:56

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

OP posts:
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:48

Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:46

It takes a few weeks to get an accuracy result for bacterial infections and upto 3 months for viral.

Please make an excuse and don't have sex with him until you're tested.

Show quote history

And test for ureaplasma and mycoplasma

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 01/10/2023 04:49

You have to stop drinking forever, otherwise you will continue to sabotage your happiness for the rest of your life. Do it now rather than waste your life like I did. I'm truly happy and feel safe and secure for the first time in my life, why didn't I do this in my 20s instead of late 40s, I could have been in control all along x

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 01/10/2023 04:50

It will happen again. And again and again until you drop drinking. I have the t shirt, please don't waste your life.

FedUpMumof10YO · 01/10/2023 04:56

Honest no judgement as you're punishing yourself enough already.

What I wanted to say was ....I don't think current bf is the one or events wouldn't have happened.

Lili132 · 01/10/2023 05:00

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 04:35

I imagine, statistically speaking, quite a lot of women on mumsnet have husbands that have cheated on them and they are totally unaware. But somehow women are happy to gang up on somebody who has made a stupid mistake.

If my husband has ever cheated on me in 30 years, he has had the good grace to have never let me find out about it. But if he told me he had cheated on me 5 months in to our relationship all those years ago, I'd be angry and upset that he told me, I wouldn't end the marriage because we have a good life together and I'd be mostly regretful that he told me to offload his guilt and make himself happier and make me unhappier. I wouldn't find it better for being "good clean pain" as one poster put it.

But they haven't been together for 30 years, they practically don't have a life together as they've only known each other for 5 months.
It's a very new relationship and while he might initially be very upset if she tells him it's unlikely going to be devastating. And by telling him she's giving him a chance to make informed decision and maybe avoid making a huge mistake of being with someone who's unable to be faithful and will likely cause him more heartache in a long run.

You really can't compare it to the situation when a husband tells his wife after 30 years together that he cheated in the beginning of relationship.

GodDammitCecil · 01/10/2023 05:01

Your past ‘promiscuity’ (to use your judgment-laden word) stems from something, does it? I only ask, since you’re dealing with it through a therapist.

There is nothing wrong with being ‘promiscuous’, per se. That is, having a lot of sex with multiple partners - as long as you’re single, everyone's enthusiastically consenting (yourself, most of all), and you’re practicing safe sex.

‘Promiscuity’ is not so great if it’s a reaction to something, and leaves you feeling worthless, which I’m guessing it is in your case.

It sounds like whatever the issue is, it remains unresolved.

And no, not ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. I’ve cheated on exes, but have never and would never cheat on DH.

Uggtrending · 01/10/2023 05:07

@Moonlamp absolutely agree and I think a lot of us have felt like that at times.

Personally I wouldn't tell your partner OP.

Kedece2410 · 01/10/2023 05:32

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 03:47

I might be missing something here, but why would OP's partner need to test himself for STI's when this encounter took place a couple of nights ago, and OP has not seen her partner since?

I mean, this encounter, as yet, has no bearing at all on OP's partner's sexual health.

Show quote history

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Put it down to it being late & a lack of sleep

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 05:49

you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship, tell your boyfriend the truth it’s the right thing to do and also get tested for yourself

Loonybillyboo · 01/10/2023 05:53

Hi, I hope your ok. I wouldn’t tell your partner, you are punishing yourself enough. Stop drinking for good. Focus on that and being a better person for it so this will never happen again. Drinking is the devil. Sending love xxx

Loonybillyboo · 01/10/2023 05:56

41 year old speaking from experience of blackout drunk almost every weekend since age 13. It’s hard to stop, got to avoid social occasions and especially girls holidays. But worth it!

CoffeeBean5 · 01/10/2023 06:12

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 03:53

No, I wouldn't tell him. You made a stupid mistake. Telling would only make you feel less guilty and him feel very bad and he might well end the relationship. Take this as a lesson and channel your guilt towards making sure that it never happens again. You might want to make some decisions about drinking too. I would absolutely get tested for STIs and make some excuse about thrush or something to your partner till you are tested. I only hope you had enough self-respect to make him use condoms.

Would you give this advice to a man who cheated on a woman? OP needs to stop drinking if she ends up cheating when drunk. She needs to be honest with her boyfriend. He will probably break up with her but hopefully OP learns from this.

Ragwort · 01/10/2023 06:18

Agree with Xdown - have the decency to end your relationship with your BF but you don't need to tell him the sordid facts.

Donotshushme · 01/10/2023 06:20

Were you in a position to consent?

JustAnotherPoster00 · 01/10/2023 06:23

What OP will do is continue to give herself the guilt trip to the point shell have persuaded herself that it was all the drinks fault and that she'll never ever cheat on her partner or drink again and that'll be fine for the first few weeks/months and then she'll start minimising why she can't go out or transfer that 'control' over to her boyfriend by saying he doesn't let her go out, eventually she will go out and cheat again, and if the new 'supply' wants more OP will start long term cheating on her boyfriend until she has decided its the new 'supply' she wants to stick with and can see a life with because her last boyfriend was 'controlling', and then she'll start the same cycle with the new guy

Hygeelady · 01/10/2023 06:26

Why was it that 'he got what he wanted'? What did you want? Was it not a mutual thing?

rwalker · 01/10/2023 06:28

What’s done done
I think you need to tell him because it’s not fair in him but also I think this will eat away at u if you don’t

OnAir · 01/10/2023 06:41

If this was the other way around my god the replies would be different.

Goodthingsahead82 · 01/10/2023 06:43

Do your girlfriends know what happened? Hsvd you talked to them about it all?

moose62 · 01/10/2023 06:59

Where were your holiday companions? Do they know what happened? Would one of them gossip and your new man fond out through other means?

Justcallmebebes · 01/10/2023 07:07

DailyEnergyCrisis · 01/10/2023 04:01

Don’t tell him, but restart therapy. I know it’s obviously not ideal what you’ve done but you sound really fragile so try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to pick up the pieces.

I agree with this. You made a stupid mistake which you obviously regret and your relationship is pretty new. Learn from it tho and I would address your drinking.

It's not the end of the world

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/10/2023 07:11

You need to either tell your boyfriend, or just break up with him. Keeping him in the dark and carrying on renders your relationship a sham anyway as it's one that he may well not want to be in, with possession of the full facts.

Stop drinking. Get more therapy.

Sayasisee · 01/10/2023 07:12

You definitely need to tell him, one he deserves that much and two it will help eith the guilt you are feeling.
For it to of happened you clearly wasn't as happy as you thought or you wouldn't of done it.
Be honest with him and work on yourself some more. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship with it only being 18 months since you come out of a really bad one. X

ohdamnitjanet · 01/10/2023 07:14

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 03:50

I want to punish myself though not him. He’s a good man. I’m so confused. I know it’s early days, whether he’s the one remains to be seen but having got out of a horribly abusive relationship 18 months ago I feel like I can’t trust my gut. This won’t happen again. Ever. Well that’s what I’m telling myself anyway as I feel so shit about it but I’m a cheat at the end of the day - once a cheat always a chat right?

Don’t be so hard on yourself! It was a mistake and you acknowledge this. This will be an unpopular opinion but you’re feeling awful and telling him won’t make you feel any better. Chin up, try and get out there and enjoy the rest of your holiday and forget about it. You haven’t been married for 20 years, you’ve been going out for 5 months. Give yourself a break.

pantypant · 01/10/2023 07:15

@Lili132 You really can't compare it to the situation when a husband tells his wife after 30 years together that he cheated in the beginning of relationship.
That's not what the poster said. They said had their dh cheated at any point in the 30 years (this includes months into the relationship) then she is grateful he didn't tell her because she is happily married to him and their life is bigger than some stupid mistake he may have made 5 months into their relationship.