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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done something really stupid

217 replies

whatisnormalanyway101 · 01/10/2023 02:56

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

OP posts:
Fuckthatguy · 01/10/2023 09:21

@stillthinking22 that’s an extremely insulting post - OP cheat, oh must be ADHD

perfectcolourfound · 01/10/2023 09:22

Hi Op. You clearly regret what happend, and you feel genuinely gutted about it.

It was wrong, you know that.

You say that the man you slept with kind of tricked you into thinking it was about more than sex. Then you were hurt when that wasn't the case. Does this mean you were thinking of it becoming something more, post holiday? If so, I think that tells you that your bf isn't 'the one'.

If you know that alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions, then it would be sensible to stop or seriously reduce your drinking, for your own sake as well as anyone you're in a relationship with.

As for telling your BF, I would always say - yes you should. It won't be easy, but without honestly and trust, what is a relationship? To those people saying you've only been with him 5 months so it isn't such a big deal - well if it isn't a big deal, tell him and he won't mind.

We can all make mistakes, yes, and as a pp said, a one-off mistake is very different to a pattern of behaviour (I don't subscribe to the lazily quoted 'once a cheat, always a cheat' because it just isn't true). You're truly sorry but you can't undo it. What you can do is decide this is a one-off and you're going to do all you can for it to not happen in the future.

If you don't tell him, yes you'll spare his hurt. But if you stay together, the lie will remain, for what - 20, 30, 40 years? Would you honestly feel OK not just cheating once, but lying for decades? I think eventually it would eat you up, it would always tarnish the r'ship, and if he ever were to find out (from you or someone else) he would be absolutely gutted. Not the sort of hurt when you find out your gf of 5 months has cheated once, but the sort of hurt that your life partner has cheated and then lied about it for decades.

I wish you well. You are clearly remoreseful, and this doesn't make you a bad person. Just a person who made a mistake, needs to understand why it happened, and do what they can so it doesn't happen again.

Beautiful3 · 01/10/2023 09:25

Please stop being hard on yourself. You are human and you made a mistake. When you get back get tested for stis. I wouldn't tell your partner because it's never going to happen again. Your problem here is alcohol. I'd join a group and stop drinking. I don't behave well when I drink, so I don't drink. Be kind to yourself.

Batalax · 01/10/2023 09:26

C1N1C · 01/10/2023 09:07

@Batalax

Fair point, apologies, I lost track of previous posts :)

Thanks.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 09:28

@Fuckthatguy

I 95% disagree with all of that, the shitty emotionally manipulative, irresponsible act is the OPs one night stand

Shitty and irresponsible yes, but it's happened, it's history, it can't be undone, and neither OP nor anyone else has any control over it. What OP is still in control of is what happens from here on in.

and withholding of that information

As I've already mentioned, "fundamental honesty" is noble in principle, but it isn't a basis for workable relationships between human beings. Internet forums, Mumsnet included, tend to be hugely fond of straight forward black or white thinking, with little nuance, and no apparent comprehension of the fact that humans are flawed, they are not black or white, humanity and life exists in shades of grey, and there are times where it serves no worthwhile purpose to be fundamentally, brutally honest.

Try it, but if you adopt a policy of 100% honesty, at least have the decency to operate that policy literally, and then see how far you get. Tell your partner that no, you don't want to watch TV with them because their taste is crap and it bores you to tears. Tell your partner that no, the meal they slaved over for hours wasn't great, in fact, you've had far better on multiple occasions. Try it, see how far it gets you, and how quickly you realise that not only is 100% honesty not a good thing, lies and dishonesty are actually essential for human relationships to persist for any length of time whatsoever.

As a PP has highlighted, this thread is chock full of people wading in as if this is a straight forward black or white situation, a yes/no proposition, when it's an order of magnitude more complex.

but the 5% which agrees is that OP should end the relationship as it’s now tainted and based on a lie

You are astoundingly naive if you don't comprehend that each and every human relationship is based, in part at least, on lies of varying magnitudes. It's part of the human condition. As for being "tainted", it's not your relationship, so that is not for you to judge, only OP can.

willWillSmithsmith · 01/10/2023 09:31

I must admit I was quite shocked to see you’re 50, I assumed you were a lot younger but obviously you are still very much a work in progress (re therapy) and that can be at any age.

I found the phrase ‘he got what he wanted’ a bit odd at someone you just met on holiday, who obviously wasn’t thinking marriage, home, kids with you. I feel you used that expression to convince yourself you were not to blame for sleeping with him (even though it was consensual) or that your motivation for sleeping with him was somehow more meaningful.

I can’t offer more advice than has already been offered, ie: stop drinking (drunken one night stands at 50 isn’t very dignified let’s be honest), tell your bf (totally disagree with opinions you should say nothing, all that achieves is a relationship built on lies) and get yourself tested asap.

Hopefully all this extra complication and stress after what should have just been a fun getaway will make you think twice about pointless casual shags when you’re in a relationship (or even when you’re single if it makes you feel bad after).

spanishviola · 01/10/2023 09:33

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 04:45

I'd be mostly regretful that he told me to offload his guilt and make himself happier and make me unhappier

Entirely this. Good god, this.

The whole "you need to tell him" thing is such bullshit. It's not about empowering him, it's about alleviating your own guilt by dropping a load of unnecessary emotional turmoil on him, while simultaneously playing the "I know what I did was wrong, but it's up to you if you want to continue" card, which is doubly nasty because it puts the onus on reconciliation on someone who has done nothing wrong, and has just had a load of emotional shit dropped on them by the wrongdoer and is highly unlikely to be in any position to make reasonable, considered decisions.

If you genuinely can't continue your relationship because you cheated, and you are having an attack of conscience, then the decent thing to do is end the relationship immediately, but have the courtesy to spare your partner the head-fuck of knowing that you were unfaithful. A simple "I've had a think, and this isn't working for me, goodbye and good luck" will still be a shock, but it won't completely wreck someone the same way as "I've cheated on you, so I'm leaving you (but I'm also open to you forgiving me)" will.

This.

narkyspirit · 01/10/2023 09:34

You say you're with a nice man in a relationship, but go on holiday hook up with a random guy. Then are remorseful and think you should tell him to see if he wants to continue the relationship!!

my ex did something similar late last year, she was out of my life within hours sorted a hotel for her and packed her bags. she has repeatedly tried to get in touch for 10 months but I'm not having anything to do with her.

You should tel him its not working out no admission of cheating and never speak to him again. Let him move on

Fuckthatguy · 01/10/2023 09:35

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

So in your view a ‘workable relationship’ can include hiding infidelity, because humans are inherently liars.

Interesting how the morass compass can spin so wildly.

TheSpruce · 01/10/2023 09:39

Typical MN, if a woman cheats she mustn't be hard on herself and should not tell her partner as it will only "hurt him unnecessarily". But if a man cheats, all lining up frothing at the mouth about ending the relationship immediately and calling him every name under the sun. Nice.

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 01/10/2023 09:40

@Ilovelurchers I love your post, so so true. I love you even more than lurchers! I never wake up and this, oh no I so regret not drinking last night. Its like being released from jail x

Rochnutty · 01/10/2023 09:43

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Rochnutty · 01/10/2023 09:44

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wizzywig · 01/10/2023 09:44

Did your mates see? Did anyone see who could tell your boyfriend? If not, keep schtum and don't be an idiot again.

Rochnutty · 01/10/2023 09:45

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Dotcheck · 01/10/2023 09:46

Kedece2410 · 01/10/2023 03:36

You tell your partner. Firstly so he can tested for STIs & secondly for him to decide if you have a future together.

But they haven’t slept together since the OP cheated…?

Rochnutty · 01/10/2023 09:47

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OrlandointheWilderness · 01/10/2023 09:48

Fuckthatguy · 01/10/2023 08:30

Can’t say I have much sympathy OP, you’re an adult and have the ability the choose not to cheat.

You have absolutely no right to withhold this from you boyfriend and need to disclose what you’ve done, so he can make an informed decision. Anything else is cowardice, and do you really want a relationship based on deception, it’s a false reality - and importantly what happened to informed consent?

That go out the window for some of the posters excusing her cheating?

I agree with what was said above - you’re wallowing in self pity, but hopefully this is a reality check for you to straighten yourself out now, because it sounds like you will continue to destroy your relationships until you figure out once and for a all why you’re lowering your standards of behaviour in this way.

I repeat, do not continue this relationship through deception, besides this so-called boyfriend of yours, it’s only been 5 months, you’re dragging yourself through the mud with this really quite damaging behaviour, so sort it out and create a stable and calm life for your self.

Good luck.

This.

Rochnutty · 01/10/2023 09:50

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OrlandointheWilderness · 01/10/2023 09:51

Bloody hell, it's amazing how fucked up so many posters moral compass is. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you lot. Of course she needs to tell him, she fucked someone else and he has a right to know that.

Worddance · 01/10/2023 09:54

You must tell him or just end it, one or the other.

Then forgive yourself.

BlurredEdges · 01/10/2023 09:58

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/10/2023 09:28

@Fuckthatguy

I 95% disagree with all of that, the shitty emotionally manipulative, irresponsible act is the OPs one night stand

Shitty and irresponsible yes, but it's happened, it's history, it can't be undone, and neither OP nor anyone else has any control over it. What OP is still in control of is what happens from here on in.

and withholding of that information

As I've already mentioned, "fundamental honesty" is noble in principle, but it isn't a basis for workable relationships between human beings. Internet forums, Mumsnet included, tend to be hugely fond of straight forward black or white thinking, with little nuance, and no apparent comprehension of the fact that humans are flawed, they are not black or white, humanity and life exists in shades of grey, and there are times where it serves no worthwhile purpose to be fundamentally, brutally honest.

Try it, but if you adopt a policy of 100% honesty, at least have the decency to operate that policy literally, and then see how far you get. Tell your partner that no, you don't want to watch TV with them because their taste is crap and it bores you to tears. Tell your partner that no, the meal they slaved over for hours wasn't great, in fact, you've had far better on multiple occasions. Try it, see how far it gets you, and how quickly you realise that not only is 100% honesty not a good thing, lies and dishonesty are actually essential for human relationships to persist for any length of time whatsoever.

As a PP has highlighted, this thread is chock full of people wading in as if this is a straight forward black or white situation, a yes/no proposition, when it's an order of magnitude more complex.

but the 5% which agrees is that OP should end the relationship as it’s now tainted and based on a lie

You are astoundingly naive if you don't comprehend that each and every human relationship is based, in part at least, on lies of varying magnitudes. It's part of the human condition. As for being "tainted", it's not your relationship, so that is not for you to judge, only OP can.

"Nice dinner, thanks" is not the same sort of lie as "no, I didn't fuck someone else on holiday."

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/10/2023 10:01

I think you need to tell him. He deserves to have all the information to decide as to whether he wants to continue the relationship or end it. Or tell him and end the relationship yourself but either way, I think he should know.

Its selfish to keep this from him. Your friends know, how humiliating for others to know and not him.

EandKDJ · 01/10/2023 10:04

I can't comprehend all of the comments telling OP to keep this from her partner. OP cheated on her partner, broke the trust between them, end of. She needs to tell him and let him decide what happens next, it's the very least she owes him. I would end the relationship immediately if it was my partner who was unfaithful, I believe a relationship is built on trust, faithfulness and honesty and OP clearly doesn't believe in these things otherwise she wouldn't have gone to bed with anyone else. Tell him the truth OP and then focus on some self reflection.

CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 10:08

Coffeetree · 01/10/2023 08:11

Adultery?

Tell me you're joking.

Show quote history

She says she would be devastated if he did the same to her, so yes, I think it’s akin to adultery.