I’ve done something really stupid

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

I don't see how dating a guy for 5 months makes him the sole proprietor of your body. Unless you and your guy had a specific "Let's be exclusive" relationship.

You are single OP.

Yes definitely get tested and don't go near your boyfriend until the tests are clear, But the guilt? Leave it. He can put a ring on it if he wants you all to himself.

OP everyone makes mistakes and it sounds like you still have a lot of issues to address from past relationships and how you view sex/men.

I would make a plan to quit drinking to excess and find some support from a counsellor so you can address your mental health issues, work on your self-respect and learn to only engage in healthy relationships.

I would say until you have done that work on yourself, you might want to avoid being in a serious relationship.

@Batalax if I could afford EMDR or still had insurance I’d 100% do it. I’ve been in therapy all my adult life and tried everything. If it wasn’t for my son I’d have ended my life by now. I’ve been on countless psych wards over the years, am covered in scars from self harm, have addiction problems that I’m dealing with (successfully) and although I’ve come a long way, I’m not a well person mentally.

if things were the other way around I’d rather not know about it. For the poster saying I’m playing the victim i disagree.

This would never have happened at home. Yes I do need to consider the company I keep.

So you can't cheat unless you're married? That's ridiculous. If OP was a man and cheated on his girlfriend, would your response be the same? OP is in a relationship with one man. She's not single and dating different people.

Would you have done this sober OP? If not, the drink is your problem. Solve that and the rest of your life will improve massively. Trust me, I have been in a position very close to your own.

Are you still drinking on the holiday - did you drink last night? Remember it is a despressant and will be magnifying your feelings of distress and self-loathing massively at this point.

Nothing terrible has happened. If you never mention this hook-up again, nobody will know. You have been lucky in this regard.

But if you keep drinking you run the risk of fucking up your and other people's lives in ways you can't conceal or undo.

I am not judging you - I am in no position to do so. I am imploring you to get help and stop drinking, as someone who has been in your shoes (and I was not "an alcoholic" in the traditional sense of the world - not even keen on that word to be honest because I think a lot of problems stem from it - people assuming their drinking is fine because they don't have vodka for breakfast etc etc . But like many people, I became a different, worse person under the influence of alcohol).

Help is out there and you can stop. If I could, anybody can!

Take it from me as someone who was in your partner's position, you must tell him. I instantly knew something was up when my partner of a year came back from a holiday with friends after dating for 10 months.

Gut feeling, intuition, picking up on subtle signs, whatever you want to label it. I just knew. But he didn't tell me. I asked but he denied it. His friends told him not to tell. After 6 months I finally found out by contacting the woman.

Please don't lie to him by omission. Confess and let him have control and agency over his own life

I work in sexual health and I see this a lot. I've named changed for this because if any of you have seen me professionally in similar circumstances you'll recognise me.

OP, you've made a mistake, its regretable but its what people do. Torturing yourself won't move the situation forward at all. One PP suggested talking this through with your counsellor, that's a great idea. Change is never linear, we get better and relapse a bit and get better again, again that's what humans do. Be kinder to yourself, you won't have the strength to work out how to treat your partner well in this situation unless you move the focus away from punishing yourself.

A sexual health screen is always a good idea. I can't remember if you said when the sex was but it might be worth calling the NHS 111 number in case there is anything you can access to prevent viral infection or pregnancy in these early stages.
If you are UK based Mazhaz's advice about how long it takes for accurate results and what to test for isn't applicable but a sexual health clinic will take you through it and make a plan that's appropriate for you.

Best of luck, OP

So many scummy women in here...
Jesus, it's like the whipped cream stripper blowjob thing several months ago!

If your attitudes are 'you need to forgive yourself and not tell your partner', you're no better than the men you slam here on a daily basis!

Why is it one rule for women and another for men??? Men just seem less 'skilled' at hiding their infidelity, which could actually be argued that they feel more guilty for it!

Cheaters are cheaters, and the OP saying she's learned from her mistake is a blatant lie because everyone knows when they cheat that it's wrong when it's happening!

Tell your partner and end it... he might be a pushover and forgive you, but regardless, he deserves better.

This is very true.

You didn’t want more from him .. because he lives in a different country anyway? So if he lived in your home town would you have wanted more ?

It seems your self esteem is still very low in spite of therapy.
Aided and abetted by alcohol, you were desperate for somebody to desire you and validate you as an attractive woman. Are you still hooked on that short term high from your fill of it in your promiscuous 20’s ?
Or is it that your relationship with your bf back home isn’t fulfilling in some way?

It’s sad that you are punishing yourself with this self-destructive behaviour OP and wrecking your chances of a good, respectful long term relationship.

If you can’t put this behind you as a one-off horrid mistake that you will never ever make again, could you tell your bf that your holiday has thrown up some personal struggles and that you need some space to work through them. Set him free with minimal damage.

Alcohol isn’t helping at all is it. Give it up and give yourself a chance to benefit from your therapy.

Can’t say I have much sympathy OP, you’re an adult and have the ability the choose not to cheat.

You have absolutely no right to withhold this from you boyfriend and need to disclose what you’ve done, so he can make an informed decision. Anything else is cowardice, and do you really want a relationship based on deception, it’s a false reality - and importantly what happened to informed consent?

That go out the window for some of the posters excusing her cheating?

I agree with what was said above - you’re wallowing in self pity, but hopefully this is a reality check for you to straighten yourself out now, because it sounds like you will continue to destroy your relationships until you figure out once and for a all why you’re lowering your standards of behaviour in this way.

I repeat, do not continue this relationship through deception, besides this so-called boyfriend of yours, it’s only been 5 months, you’re dragging yourself through the mud with this really quite damaging behaviour, so sort it out and create a stable and calm life for your self.

Good luck.

Did your girlfriends witness the hook up? Honestly, I would take some responsibility for my own actions and own up before someone else does. Loose lips sink ships and what not. But hey whatever helps you sleep at night and if that's you knowing you're toying with another individuals emotions and not telling them.

Yes I do need to consider the company I keep

Really?

You appear to trust the people you are with to mind their own business and not pointlessly sabotage you for the sake of it. Surely preferable to the company of moral puritans who, first of all, will attempt to police your behaviour, deny you agency, hector you about your shortcomings, and then likely create all sorts of issues for you because they are incapable of comprehending that as well as having no right to judge you, they also have no right to interfere in your personal relationships.

Your current friends appear to be reasonable. I'd be wary of discarding that.

Different if you believe they are actively encouraging and enabling your problematic behaviour, but then, it's ultimately you that is responsible for how you behave, so even if they are irresponsible themselves, you don't need to follow that lead, and nor are they really the "guilty" party.

I did mean to say don't have sex with your partner until you have spoken to a sexual health clinic and have an idea of what you might be at risk of passing on.

I'm not making any judgement on you, I don't know what I would do in this situation but whatever you choose to do, putting an unwitting person at risk of harm isn't the best thing to do.
Again, best of luck OP.

I think the difference is because the op is so obviously regretting this. She’s obviously been struggling with her mental health for years and has done a lot of work on herself and is upset that what she thought was fixed through therapy, hasn’t properly been resolved.

It’s not the same as someone after a cheap sexual thrill and fleeting feelings of remorse. It’s far more complex than that.

Put it behind you if you are serious about making a change. So, in your case I think giving up alcohol is in order. See that as your penance and carry on in relationship, hoping that your friends never tell. Really, you need to stop drinking if you are effing up like this when under the influence.

@Batalax oh stop it.

What is your threshold for honesty then? At what point should a cheater own up? I'm just curious as 'now', before serious emotions, commitments and marriage is actually the BEST time to own up. Is it about the number of times, the acts performed, the point in the relationship, or the apprent guilt? Not picking on specifically, but I did find it amusing how in one sentence you were slamming the hypocrisy of MN, but in another you were letting them off the hook...

I'd personally tell my partner but that would 100% be because of the guilt. Again, personally, if I was the partner AND it was 5 months in AND I really was never going to find out AND they were never going to do it again AND they got an STD check, I'd really rather not know.

I agree with @Ilovelurchers and @Usernjggncfkkc .

And the point about avoiding the bullying moral puritans. Your relationship with your partner is very new, especially if it’s long distance.

The person you have the greatest duty of care to right now is yourself. 💐

Get tested as soon as you are home. I’d be thinking about getting some better friends; they should have attempted to prevent this. I think you’ll be forced to tell him anyway at some point; your friends might say it stays there but it very often doesn’t. Some whispers to someone, it’s a secret lots of people know etc; if it does continue to be a long term relationship do you want that fear hanging over you?

@Libelula21 nobody is bullying the OP, nice way to shut down the valid opinions of some posters though.

Of course you tell your partner. Please don't listen to the people telling you otherwise - they don't understand consent or healthy relationships at all. You don't build a healthy happy relationship on deceiving and tricking your partner ffs. You don't add 'lying' onto 'cheating', let's not keep stacking the harm and disrespect up.

'Once a cheat always a cheat' is an excuse for you not to put in the work. You are not happy with yourself, your behaviour has harmed yourself and people you care about. You can't do anything about your past behaviour. You do, however, have the power to change your current and future behaviour and make it so you and your loved ones feel safe, happy, respected and loved. You have that control. You may need to go back to therapy to help you as you suggest this behaviour may be part of a pattern and these can be hard to break. You can explore further what may be driving these unhelpful and harmful choices - a PP suggested self-sabotage which may be the case. If you've come out of an abusive relationship there may be a low self-esteem aspect, a need to feel that familiar self-loathing, a subconscious addiction to drama and self-hatred in relationships as this is what feels familiar. You may have some trauma. Who knows? Only you can unpick it and understand it, although friends and therapists can help. It is up to your partner if he wants to stay with you while you do this, but if he understandably doesn't, at least it means the next time you find a nice partner you are ready.

Best of luck - you do have the control and power to make better choices x

How incredibly humiliating for your boyfriend if he ever socialises with you and your friends, and they all know you cheated and he doesn't.

If you want to be a decent human being, you tell him the truth.

I am shocked by how many people say you should lie.

@Batalax

Might get slammed for my phrasing of this, but if you're using mental health to justify infidelity, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

It's the same for any wrongful act... you don’t get a get out of jail free card just because you've had hardships.

A person lies, rapes, steals, cheats, kills.... but they and society should forgive themself and move on because they've suffered from anxiety, depression, alcoholism, miscarriage etc... no. Doesn't fly. Sorry. I know these things are in no way comparable, and I apologise for using the extremes, but you should never try to justify a 'sin'.