I’ve done something really stupid

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

You need to work on yourself before committing to another man.... first of all stop drinking as you will end up in similar situations again.

Seeing as you are in your 50s, and not a confused early 20 something, I think you really need to work out who you are and what you want. Despite what many women believe, being promiscuous isn't necessarily a bad thing if you aren't hurting yourself or others by doing so, but it sounds like you ARE hurting yourself. So it's like self harming.

I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with the man at home unless he's ok with you sleeping around/ it's not a serious relationship for either of you. And to me, it doesn't sound like you have made your mind up about him yet. Which is ok after only 5 months.

However if you are serious about giving it a try, you shouldn't be cheating on him, and really, so early on, shouldn't be wanting to.

I wouldn't tell him what has happened but you do need to work out where you are going and as otherwise he could well get hurt in the future.

The hypocrisy often lies in the fact that the overwhelming Mumsnet consensus will often differ depending on whether the offending party is male or female. As I've already said, in this specific scenario my personal view would be no different regardless of the sex of the parties involved.

I'm not sure I follow your assertion that I'm "slamming the hypocrisy of mumsnet" and then "letting them off the hook". Who are the "them" you are referring to? OP, or the Mumsnet hypocrites? In either case, there is no letting anyone "off the hook". The hypocrites are hypocrites. OP has fucked up, is well aware of that, and is already beating herself up about it. It's not within my gift to 'let her off the hook' because she hasn't done anything to upset or offend me. Nor will I judge her for her behaviour, because it's sanctimony to insist on applying your own moral standards to other adults who perhaps do not share them, and also, it's perfectly normal for human beings to fuck up, make mistakes, make poor decisions, and then experience self-loathing in the aftermath. Anyone who not only claims they have never done that themselves, but also feels entitled to judge, berate, and moralise about it happening to another, is, for want of a better term, an arsehole who needs to wind their neck in.

The only person who can let OP "off the hook" is herself.

Gosh I thought you were a lot younger. Tbh I think you should have a lot of this sorted out by now

I agree with this^
However would your friends mention your hook up now or later? It’s something to consider. Imagine you are 2 years down the line on preparing for s wedding and someone mentioning this.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX well actually, it’s the boyfriend who can let her off the hook if she tell him, he accepts what’s she’s done and is ok with it really.

Just noticed your update that you are 50. I thought you are in your 20s, at a push early 30s!
Sorry but you need intensive therapy now. You should know better at this age.

If you read my first post, I’ve not said that not telling him is the right course of action. I’ve not said it’s right or justifiable. I’ve said she needs to do some serious self evaluation and have tried to help her in the future.
In later posts I’ve said that people are being easier on her because of the hardships she’s had in an effort to help her understand why she’s done what she has and to help her move on to more healthy relationships. That doesn’t give her a get out of jail card to cheat. She knows she’s done wrong. Us berating her won’t help her. She needs understanding but guiding in the right direction so this obvious “mistake” isn’t repeated. People just judging her isn’t going to help her mental health and thus the ability to not cheat.

This. Its actually a bit nauseating.

Those posters who have come on here to slate the OP and tell her what a bad person she is - I don't doubt you are sincere - but what are you hoping to achieve by doing so?

She has repeatedly stated that she feels guilt, and knows what she did was wrong.

So here is a woman who is acting against her preferences and against her better judgement. Surely the most helpful thing we can do is help her work out why this has happened so that she doesn't do it again?

In my experience, alcohol (and other substances for some people) are frequently a MASSIVE factor in causing otherwise decent people to act in ways that hurt themselves and others, and that they massively regret when sober.

I don't have a crystal ball - I can't guarantee that of OP stops drinking she will stop having ONSs she later regrets - but I would put my house on it! (Oh, hang on, actually I can't, because due to my own drunken mistakes I lost a lot of things, including my house, already)

OP, I don't think you are a terrible person. I think you are in a society which tells us excessive drinking, to the point of losing most of our inhibitions, is a fun and normal recreational activity. I read a thread on here recently where a woman stated sobriety was a red flag for her in a relationship, for example - she clearly saw the choice not to drink as something she wouldn't countenance in a partner!

In a society where views like that can be cheerfully expressed and not even questioned, no wonder we have people like OP, choosing to drink a lot even though she seems to already know it's bad news for her - because we don't make it easy for people to stop!

This is slowly changing, but there is still a long way to go. So I would argue that OP does not need out judgement now. She needs our support to change.

OP, your feelings of guilt actually speak well of you! You sound like you have some emotional intelligence and a degree of insight into your bad choices.

The help is out there. Please embrace it. You would be AMAZED how lovely your life could be, and how much better your MH might be, without alcohol.

I wouldn’t tell him, you’ve only been with him for 5 months and are not sure if it’s actually going anywhere. What you did was wrong but he doesn’t need to know. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go enjoy the last bit of your holiday.

he was clearly spinning me a line to get me into bed and that stings

What line was he spinning though? Suggesting a relationship? So you’d have dumped your boyfriend for him if it was true? This is more of an issue for your relationship than having a ONS imo.

OP, whatever you decide to do about the ONS (and given the strength of your feelings you may just blurt it all out), I'm sorry you have all this to deal with.

The once/always line about cheaters is rubbish, don't beat yourself up with it. Don't be too hard on yourself. Focus on taking care of the relationships in your life that you value.

Can you not forgo the holiday next year and get the therapy instead? If the issues are as bad as you say you need to prioritise this. And stop the drinking.

If it were me I'd probably not say anything, but you do need to stop drinking and sort yourself out.

The boyfriend, as things stand, is completely oblivious, so the only relevant party right now is OP.

Again, if OP is utterly convinced that the relationship can't continue because of her infidelity, then the responsible thing to to is end the relationship off her own back without causing any more upset to her partner than is necessary.

The shitty, emotionally manipulative, irresponsible thing to do is to tell him exactly what has happened, then leave the ball in his court, because that not only potentially devastates him emotionally, but it also places the onus on forgiveness and reconciliation on the person who has been wronged and is likely already emotionally distraught and not best placed to make sound decisions. It's tantamount to saying "here, I'm gonna wreck your head, but I'm also going to leave it down to you to judge me, and I won't take responsibility for my behaviour if you are willing to absolve me". It's neither brave nor "decent", it's craven and needlessly hurtful.

If OP can, in time, forgive herself, then the only person who needs to go through any emotional turmoil here is OP.

@Batalax

Fair point, apologies, I lost track of previous posts :)

And of course you would be giving exactly the same response if this was the other way round snd the op was male……..

I don’t think so.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I 95% disagree with all of that, the shitty emotionally manipulative, irresponsible act is the OPs one night stand, and withholding of that information, but the 5% which agrees is that OP should end the relationship as it’s now tainted and based on a lie.

You live and learn. You’ve made the mistake now, it’s not important to beat yourself up over it, forget it, it’s done, but what you should do is take from it, you clearly didn’t end up happy about the situation so now learn the lesson so you don’t repeat it.

You need to tell your boyfriend and deal with the consequences of it, but no need to beat yourself up about it, you made a mistake, you’ll probably loose your boyfriend from it, don’t make the mistake again. Easy.

What @Whattodowithit88 said. It’s that simple 👏

The person she is sleeping with abolutely needs to know that she has slept with someone else.

It is early days in the relationship, but also it is the honeymoon period and before this man commits to her more, he needs to know who she is - and behaviour is who a person is, however they explain their actions.

I guarantee that every person on this thread would rather know at 5 months that they had been cheated on, rather than it coming out years later after significant investment of love, time and energy into the relationship, not to mention financial entanglements etc.

what the OP did was wrong, and compounding it by dishonesty won't make it any more right.

I think this is up to the man to decide if he wants to be a cheater. We wouldn’t be saying it’s a stupid mistake but would say it’s cheating if a man cheated here.

OP, I’d get your drinking and MH issues seen to but tell your boyfriend what you’ve done. He may be understanding and he may not.

Have you considered you might have ADHD? This kind of impulsive behaviour sounds very similar to a close friend of mine who was diagnosed at nearly 40. Could be worth looking into as meditation has changed her life. Remember everyone makes mistakes!

Yeah, I love this line. What sort of person goes on holiday and sleeps with someone after knowing them for five minutes and then actually gets hurt that this person wasn't after something serious?

If OP wanted something 'more' from her fling, that's pretty naive and shows she's already checked out with her partner,... and if she wanted just a fling, she's not emotionally and ethically ready anyway.

I think drink does make you do stupid things and im sure there are loads of people who have succumbed to it at one time or other.
I wouldnt tell your boyfriend unless you really cant live with yourself.
Just get tested and then dont drink so much that you maje another mistake.