I’ve done something really stupid

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I’m on holiday with some girlfriends and stupidly hooked up with a guy a few nights ago. I’m not single so I’m expected to get roasted for for this which is fine. It’s a fairly new relationship but still.

There’s nothing anyone can say that I’ve not already said to myself. I’ve been pretty promiscuous in the past but have done a lot of work on myself with my therapist and thought I’d made progress and changed. Clearly not. I was drunk but no excuse.

I saw him briefly later the next day but he made it obvious it was a hook up - he got what he wanted and that was it. But I feel utterly worthless, haven’t left my hotel room all day in case I saw him and have cried a lot. I have mental health problems and this has triggered me massively.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this or what I expect to get from it. He lives in another country miles away from the uk so i’m never going to see him again.

Will this crushing guilt go in time? In the past, guilt has not been an emotion I’ve felt as i’m clearly an arrogant fuckwit.

Should I finish with my man at home? Should I tell him? Do I just chalk it up to experience, give myself a good talking to and try and forget it?

OP, I wouldn't tell him YET. I think you need more time to process what you've done and how you feel. Can you talk to your therapist and take it from there?

You're five months in with your boyfriend - it isn't long, and you're still getting to know one another. If you tell him about the cheating it will hurt him and end the relationship. But that is an option. Or you could end the relationship without telling him about the cheating. Or you could decide to say nothing while you work on yourself and get to know your boyfriend better.

All are perfectly okay options to choose, no matter what anyone on MN tells you!

It sounds to me like you are processing a lot of trauma and looking for validation from unsuitable people. This may also be the case with your boyfriend - he may not be right for you but you feel scared of losing him because you feel the need for attention and validation. Maybe you need to be single for a while. I would want to work that out if I were you.

So how about, don't decide just now, while you are in a state of guilt and despair. Allow yourself time to be calm, get some sleep, get some perspective, talk to your therapist or someone you can trust, and then revisit the question of what you should do next. Show yourself some compassion, and then make your decision out of compassion for yourself and for your boyfriend.

Hello, @Fuckthatguy

Thank you for your comment.

In my view, there’s advice to a vulnerable OP, and there’s ordering what to do in the most judgy and stone-casty terms, based on very little contextual information.

For example, how can we be sure that the new, long distance partner of a woman with low self esteem, addiction issues, and a history of self harm would himself tell the OP if he was also sleeping with someone else in his home town?

I don’t think many reasonable people would argue that I was shutting down valid opinions - I was actually agreeing with another PP, and singled out no one, and was not using an aggressive tone.

Don't tell him. You've made a mistake, you know you're not going to do it again and that you need to cut down on your drinking. We all make mistakes. Don't let this ruin your relationship with your partner.

Your original post reads as though your upset is mostly caused by the ONS having “used you” meaning that perhaps you wanted more?
someone in a happy relationship of 6 months would not feel like this.
would you have broken up with your bf to be with the ONS if he had wanted more?

Allow your bf the chance to find someone who genuinely cares about him enough not to cheat on him at the first chance they get.

Work on yourself and hopefully and hopefully you will find someone right for you.
good luck

All you can is chalk it up to experience. There’s no other choice. You can’t go back and alter it. Wether you tell your DP or not though is not my call to make.
It sounds though that you were expecting him (Encounter) to fall madly in love with you. Did you not know it was only a hook up and that you were just a convenient shag, let’s be real here.
If you’re going to get emotional and attached to a ONS then my advice is not to have them

If you started a thread about your bfs small, soft dick earlier this year, and have now shagged another man on holiday - and it sounds like you did it thinking it might be the start of something ...hence you talking about him spinning you a line, and his change of attitude the day after - you are very clearly not into your bf, and should do him the decency of ending the relationship.

OP, I think you should let your BF go, do the decent thing and finish with him, whether or not you tell him about your infidelity. Then work further on your issues before you even think about entering into another relationship, because right now you are not ready to be in one. The fact that you cheated on your BF, just five months in, just confirms that.

You sound like you'd have started something with hol shag man if you could have.

You're just not into your bf, not a fair way to treat someone.

I think that you should just end your relationship Op.

We all make mistakes. I'm quite sad for you tbh.
You mentioned you were in an abusive relationship and this can contribute to bad decision making, addictive and self damaging behaviour like drinking, sexual behaviours etc long after the relationship is over.
Are you having specialist DV counselling?
Because that's the correct form of counselling.
Reason I say this: person-centred counselling can make the client feel responsible for abuse they have suffered. Plus victims of abuse are often full if guilt because of the psychology of abuse they have suffered.
If you go to Women's Aid UK site they can point you in the right direction for this DV type counselling. You can phone or join the forums.
If you also have a problem with alcohol you may find support for this via your GP.
I don't make any judgement about what has happened. Absolutely not.
It's up to you regarding your partner at home. When you are more clear headed and have dealt with issues around why you would have engaged with self destructive behaviour you can take a decision.

You don’t sound like you feel guilty. You sound like you want to keep seeing this guy during the holiday and you’re hurt that he isn’t into it. You’re not sorry for what you did.

Poor guy at home. Deserves better than you.

I would break up with your partner first and tell him why. You are not ready to be in a relationship at all. You are seeking random men to validate you, which is not healthy. You seem surprised that the man you hooked up with treated it as a hook up!

Explain you fucked up, and you need to work on yourself first. Drinking and self esteem (but they go hand in hand)

@Libelula21 you’re backtracking and implying its unreasonable to call you out for accusing posters of bullying the OP because they have a hardline on cheating. That’s in itself is more unreasonable, and also implying the boyfriend is possibly cheating so OP is justified in lying is also unreasonable.

The context is, the OP cheated when drunk, what should she do, no point in over complicating it. Either she tells him or not, clearly she can’t live with the guilt and he shouldn’t have to be deceived. Surely?

I’m all for supporting women when justified but I can’t get behind giving people passes on bad behaviour just because they happen to be women. So many posters seemingly not bothered if their relationships were founded on lies from the off.

@Rochnutty

its not a thread about celebrity crushes or air fryers.

at least have the decency to read all of the OP's posts before asking questions that have already been asked & answered!!

Tell your partner. Your friends know so it is not a secret. This happened to a friend, all friends swore to say nothing then one found God and had to repent and told the partner everything. It didn't end well.

It is such early days for your relationship -you haven’t been together six months yet. Perhaps this has given you a better sense of what you want? If you want him then I wouldn’t say anything and carry on from here. Clean slate.

@Fuckthatguy

One person’s over-complication is another person’s nuance.

A 50yo woman with a history of abuse in relationships, mental health issues self-harm and addiction has a ONS while in a 5 month long-distance relationship with someone who suffers from erectile dysfunction (as @Rochnutty put together).

I strongly disagree with people who make false equivalence between make infidelity and female infidelity, they’re almost always two entirely different things.

What I wrote and deleted in my first post was to suggest that perhaps OP is not in a good place to be in a relationship right now, and perhaps the best thing would be to gently break up with the new partner and keep reasons private. And then work on addictions and mental health.

Given OP’s history of an abusive relationship, for all we know telling this new man (it’s barely more than a summer romance at this stage, and for all we know he could be married) could put her emotional or physical health at risk.

You need to finish with your boyfriend as your can't be that into him if you've slept with someone else on holiday (and was actually upset they didn't see it beyond a ONS).

He deserves someone who doesn't do that.

Then work on your self esteem, as you seem to use men for validation.

@whatisnormalanyway101

What concerns me most is how you feel about the hook up itself. Hook ups are fine (at any age, thanks ageist posters) IF they leave you feeling good. For that you need to be in a good place mentally. This one has left you feeling shit because you feel 'used' (got what he wanted). That's a horrible, horrible feeling. If you were in a mentally healthier place, you'd have stopped it before it happened. Or enjoyed the hook up & thought 'got what I wanted' tosser.

I'm in my 50's too, I know it's harder to find someone available to get into a relationship with, so I understand any reluctance to split up with your bloke, but I think you need to & find a new therapist. Your old/current one might not be quite the right one to move you forward.

financialky prioritise thus over girls holidays & travelling/dating someone who isn't fairly local.

don't tell him, there's no need, just tell him that you've realised you need to be single to continue to sort out how your past us impacting your life now still.

if he actually asks, don't lie. Explain your past us still making you seek validation & that you also need to stop binge drinking (if not totally). Apologise, try to make him understand it's not him.

look after yourself & ignore the shitty posts x

The person you can't trust is yourself- that's why he deserves to kniw. He deserves honesty and the opportunity to make whatever decision he feels is right. You have cheated and are now tempted to lie to him- what does that say about a basis for a relationship? You are not ready for a serious relationship with anyone.

I couldn’t agree more! 👏

Don't tell him.

But either break up with him or commit to never doing it again.

@BravoMyDear

I hate all the infidelity apologists on these threads who think that fucking your partner over once by cheating isn’t enough, you should fuck them over a second time too by lying to them about who they’re in a relationship with.

THIS! ^