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Original poster

Is he weird?

131 replies

Mazhaz · 30/09/2023 16:27

Long story short, met this guy. He's very handsome, successful, hardworking and funny.

When we met I instantly got a weird vibe from him but thought my intuition may be in overdrive due to a previously abusive relationship.

The list of things that bothered me are:

The look in his eyes.

The fact that he always has a small bottle of alcohol in his pocket to 'calm his nerves.'

He's mentioned a few times about how beautiful my 9 year old daughter is (this isn't an issue) but recently we spoke and he heard that she was preparing food in the background. His response was, 'oh I need a wife like that!' He then realised how it sounded and said 'but older.'

He calls himself a weirdo.

Finally, we met last night and he was acting a bit strange. I mentioned that he made me feel like he views me as a little cheap since he hadn't taken my out but was always interested in sex. His response was
To get reallyyyyy upset and said, 'are you saying I've done something to force you because I can't have people accusing me of that.' he help repeating this and I said no, absolutely not it's just that I feel that's all you're interested in.

He just went on and on about not being accused of touching me without my permission. I said he sounded a little excessively paranoid (first time I've EVER had a guy respond like that). I asked him if he's ever been accused in the past and he said, 'no, but I know people who have...'

He got really upset with me and I kept reassuring him that he had done nothing wrong as he told me from the outset that he didn't want a relationship.

His response? 'I've got tears in my eyes you've upset me that much.'

He then left the car and walked off into his car whilst ignoring me.

No idea what to think... He's called me today and text apologising but I've not responded yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 09:52

I think our intuition is RARELY wrong. That's why I just can't continue with him. My gut feeling alone was enough but all the other stuff on top is just crazy.

Can I ask what you found out 3 years later?x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 09:52

pictoosh · 01/10/2023 08:55

I think you need to join a creative writing class. Ha ha.

Show quote history

Tell me about it 😁

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 10:38

Some weird takes. I thought you were confirming your suspicions, as in you knew and recognized it.

I'm sure your daughter is your main priority, strange to presume otherwise. It's up to you whether you want to meet someone but to wait until eighteen, mm... maybe extreme.

I know there are wronguns, I'm a guy and I've come across a fair amount over the years but there are good ones too. It just seems, from what I've found and what I've read on here anyway, there's a lot more wronguns than good, unfortunately. More than I realized.

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 11:11

It just seems, from what I've found and what I've read on here

Don't take MN as a cross section. It's got an unnaturally high proportion of bitter people, because, like all forums, it's the perfect place to have a bloody good whinge. The joyful, satisfied people post less, and when they do, are often argued with.

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 11:44

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 11:11

It just seems, from what I've found and what I've read on here

Don't take MN as a cross section. It's got an unnaturally high proportion of bitter people, because, like all forums, it's the perfect place to have a bloody good whinge. The joyful, satisfied people post less, and when they do, are often argued with.

It’s nothing to do with being bitter

statistics show that children are 40 times more likely to be sexually and physically abused, when their parent brings a new partner into the home
and they are 50 times more likely to die of inflicted injuries

unfortunately you can’t afford to be naive when you date as a single parent because you are making your child vulnerable to predators

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 11:48

@truthhurts23

I was arguing against the point that there are more wronguns than good, not against the fact that there is risk. You missed my point entirely, in order to focus on the negative, which was exactly the kind of attitude I was referring to.

We all know there's risk.

beAsensible1 · 01/10/2023 11:50

Op get the fuck away from
this man.

thecatsarecrazy · 01/10/2023 11:53

Oh get rid op. I met a guy who seemed nice at first but even on our first date he came back from the loo and said were you taking to yourself? Then started going you were moving your mouth like this then started mimicking me I was a bit wtf? Then he said he wanted to kiss me fuck knows how that happened..
We spent the night together but our 2nd meeting was weirder, there was a bit of cotton or something on the bed and he started going what's that? And making a big fuss I said it's just a bit of cotton and got rid, later embarrassingly when we went to have sex I had a bit of loo paper down below and he really embarrassed me over it and went on. Later on he made 2 cups of tea but ran out of water, so 2nd cup was like 2 thirds full and he said oh there's not enough water and gave me the one with not much tea in it. He ended up leaving me on delivered a few days later so I text again saying right I won't message again, he text back all the best Emily. I'm not even called Emily, something similar sounding but that's not it. I was a bit fed up but after putting everything together I'm well shot the bloody weirdo.

Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 11:55

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 11:11

It just seems, from what I've found and what I've read on here

Don't take MN as a cross section. It's got an unnaturally high proportion of bitter people, because, like all forums, it's the perfect place to have a bloody good whinge. The joyful, satisfied people post less, and when they do, are often argued with.

Oh yeah I get that, like with Internet in general, going to come across a lot of negative views or experiences. I just mean things I've read of women's situations regarding some guys is appalling and sad.

Even as a guy I worry about my own children and future partners but I can control that. More so with my wife who's volatile herself but has a track record of gravitating to the wrong people and I worry about them in that sense. To me, there's a higher chance of men being detrimental in some way to my children than women.

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 12:00

@Catsafterme

As a matter of interest, have you read much from men who are being emotionally abused by women? It seems misrepresented, but I've not been on men's forums, and perhaps it's rife there? I wonder how common it is and how misrepresented, proportionally.

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 12:37

a guy youve met 4 times was already in your home with your child there, let him get away calling your daughter beautiful several times and commenting he needs a wife like her, noticing a drink on him all the time, seeing him with a dark look in his eyes from the first time you met, if you were good at spotting redflags you would've shut him down the moment you met him.

Thankfully he didnt get physical with you when you confronted him. You couldn't even work out for yourself his drinking problem and it's not about you being a nondrinker, it's common knowledge from life experience.

Just staying single without any proper work on your boundaries and trauma isn't enough to hone your red flags detector. You could be single for 10 years and then the first guy you date is terrible because you haven't sorted out the issue why you ended up an abusive baby daddy and then you gave this weirdo too many chances.

A woman with better boundaries would have seen through him from day 1. If he'd taken you out first you'd probably never had that conversation and continued to see him and suppress your gut feelings. I just pray and hope that your child grows up safe. You don't owe these random men benefits of the doubt you owe your daughter extra vigilance. It's actually scary you think my earlier comment was a joke. I'd be concerned and introspective if I got a comment reply like that to my thread.

Dismissing advice on childrens safety on grounds that it's just from bitter women online benefits a certain type of person, either a negligent mum in denial or a creep targeting single mums.

Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 12:46

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 12:00

@Catsafterme

As a matter of interest, have you read much from men who are being emotionally abused by women? It seems misrepresented, but I've not been on men's forums, and perhaps it's rife there? I wonder how common it is and how misrepresented, proportionally.

I've not come across much in the way of abuse, more along the lines of being wronged in some way and fighting their side. Whether that's more of a case it's not spoken about, recognized the same or there were underlying reasons for those scenarios it's hard to tell.

It happens, my wife was abusive, mostly emotional and psychological but also got violent at times. I understand I ended up in that situation because of my childhood, it's all I've known, it was normal in a sense.

Although I've grown up with it, I only experienced it from men and I was mainly raised by women who were in that situation and was taught to respect women so, assume my viewpoint could be skewed in that I trust women more than men in general. I struggle to connect with most men, I don't share the same interests or views, I don't drink because of my childhood and the damage it's caused. There are plenty of good guys I'm sure, just hard to come across decent ones I have found.

But with all that I never suspected abuse from a woman, my blind spot perhaps, unlucky I don't know. Part of me doubts sometimes but she's done it to everyone before me I have learned and also currently destroying our entire family both sides and our children. I've not seen them in five months, nobody has.

In one way it's a life lesson I guess, as much of a nightmare it is but I won't let that happen again I just need to sort my children out now.

Gimjam · 01/10/2023 12:53

Really don't think you can get a Claire's Law check for someone you have dated a couple of times. I think the police would expect a grown adult to use their common sense and stop contact if they had suspicions. I wish people would stop saying this.

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 12:59

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 11:48

@truthhurts23

I was arguing against the point that there are more wronguns than good, not against the fact that there is risk. You missed my point entirely, in order to focus on the negative, which was exactly the kind of attitude I was referring to.

We all know there's risk.

So do you believe that there are more good men than not?
Because outside of mumsnet, I would say everyone knows at least 1 woman who has been abused and cheated on by a man in real life, and if not being abused or cheated on, the man is doing others things to make a woman’s life miserable like not pulling their weight with childcare and housework

JamSandle · 01/10/2023 13:00

Trust your gut instinct! Always!

ChaToilLeam · 01/10/2023 13:05

He sounds very dodgy and creepy. Relieved to hear you have blocked him, OP.

Zola1 · 01/10/2023 13:20

Gimjam · 01/10/2023 12:53

Really don't think you can get a Claire's Law check for someone you have dated a couple of times. I think the police would expect a grown adult to use their common sense and stop contact if they had suspicions. I wish people would stop saying this.

If Police wanted to rely upon people using their common sense then DVDS surely wouldn't exist. There is a right to ask and you can even ask about someone else's partner and police make a decision whether to disclose.

Zola1 · 01/10/2023 13:22

Also what we know about domestic abuse is that perpetrators usually go 0-100 so a couple of dates can quickly become living together. Let's not blame victims and let's encourage people to make use of the resources available to help them to make safe decisions

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 15:54

So do you believe that there are more good men than not

Yes, @truthhurts23 Do you have any evidence to prove otherwise? I've been abused. My father abused my mother. But it doesn't mean that most men are abusive or bad. Also, women are capable of being bad too, so the line is not as clear cut as you seem to think.

I'm not trying to convince you. It makes no difference to me what you think. But it's made a difference to me, learning to understand that I don't have to live in a world where opinions like yours ring true.

SnackQueen · 01/10/2023 17:09

Trust your instinct. He sounds unhinged.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 18:53

Can I make it clear, he has NEVER been to my home and does not know where I live.

I think dating is draining but can be great when you meet decent guys. The trouble is, that you just never know and that's why the intuition has to be Lazer sharp particularly in women.

As far as female to male abuse goes, of course this absolutelyyyyy happens but I don't believe it happens as much this way round. There are some awful women out there also but generally, I think that men can represent a much greater threat to women due to the physical power imbalance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 18:54

It took me 4 years to start dating after my divorce. I had to have therapy twice and embark of several other avenues of recovery. It took so damn long that now, I just can't risk it again.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 19:17

Yeah, that's what I think anyway. There's horrible people on both sides but I think there's more chance of meeting a bad guy than a bad woman.

Hopefully you'll have better luck next time.

Gimjam · 02/10/2023 13:19

@Zola1 I have experienced domestic abuse, I have had lots of experience with the police as a victim. The police do not have infinite resources, they have to prioritise referrals. I was asked by a female PC if I wanted a Claire's Law check after I was assaulted. I agreed but after waiting months and months and the police making it clear I wasn't a priority, I told them to leave it.
Perhaps you can add any relevant real life experience you have that differs from mine?

Abbiie · 30/12/2023 01:36

Woooahh!!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE ARE A BIG MASSIVE HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG!!! RUN