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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he weird?

131 replies

Mazhaz · 30/09/2023 16:27

Long story short, met this guy. He's very handsome, successful, hardworking and funny.

When we met I instantly got a weird vibe from him but thought my intuition may be in overdrive due to a previously abusive relationship.

The list of things that bothered me are:

The look in his eyes.

The fact that he always has a small bottle of alcohol in his pocket to 'calm his nerves.'

He's mentioned a few times about how beautiful my 9 year old daughter is (this isn't an issue) but recently we spoke and he heard that she was preparing food in the background. His response was, 'oh I need a wife like that!' He then realised how it sounded and said 'but older.'

He calls himself a weirdo.

Finally, we met last night and he was acting a bit strange. I mentioned that he made me feel like he views me as a little cheap since he hadn't taken my out but was always interested in sex. His response was
To get reallyyyyy upset and said, 'are you saying I've done something to force you because I can't have people accusing me of that.' he help repeating this and I said no, absolutely not it's just that I feel that's all you're interested in.

He just went on and on about not being accused of touching me without my permission. I said he sounded a little excessively paranoid (first time I've EVER had a guy respond like that). I asked him if he's ever been accused in the past and he said, 'no, but I know people who have...'

He got really upset with me and I kept reassuring him that he had done nothing wrong as he told me from the outset that he didn't want a relationship.

His response? 'I've got tears in my eyes you've upset me that much.'

He then left the car and walked off into his car whilst ignoring me.

No idea what to think... He's called me today and text apologising but I've not responded yet.

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 02:37

He's mentioned a few times about how beautiful my 9 year old daughter is
this is not normal, your daughter shouldn't be on his mind that much
he could be a paedophile , they do actually target single mothers to gain access to children
all the other stuff is weird too, cut him off

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 02:45

I think it would be best you stay single til your youngest is 18 and older because you are unfortunately a terrible judge of character who repeatedly gets involved with creepy men and don't have the common sense to recognise them that you have to ask. I'm glad you came here and asked but its honestly bad that you can't see this for yourself or maybe a part of you is sensible but you just dismiss it. I think you need to forget about men until your child is an adult because you're exposing her to dodgy characters.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:14

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 02:45

I think it would be best you stay single til your youngest is 18 and older because you are unfortunately a terrible judge of character who repeatedly gets involved with creepy men and don't have the common sense to recognise them that you have to ask. I'm glad you came here and asked but its honestly bad that you can't see this for yourself or maybe a part of you is sensible but you just dismiss it. I think you need to forget about men until your child is an adult because you're exposing her to dodgy characters.

Hahaahahahahahahahahaha

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:17

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 02:37

He's mentioned a few times about how beautiful my 9 year old daughter is
this is not normal, your daughter shouldn't be on his mind that much
he could be a paedophile , they do actually target single mothers to gain access to children
all the other stuff is weird too, cut him off

As I said, he runs a company so he met her coincidentally when I attended an appointment that I paid for on-line.

I am VERY aware of this which is why I've been so damn fussy and stayed single for 5 years. Creeps me the fuck out.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 01/10/2023 04:20

Listen to your gut. You already know something isn't right. Bin him now

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:26

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/10/2023 00:54

Honestly, I can't believe you have to ask. He sounds horrendous.

I ask because I've come across so many weirdos and have had to ghost people soooooo many times that I wanted to be sure that I'm not just being judgemental or something.

I stayed totally out of the dating scene for 4 years after my divorce. In the past year, I've not met anyone that has been even a slight possibility.

Most of the men have just really wanted sex and that's just not what I'm interested in.

I'm 33 and so meeting men 33+. I genuinely believe that much of the time, these men have been left on the shelf for a reason!!

I met one guy who seemed to tick a lot of the practical boxes in terms of his job, he had his own home etc so was 'going somewhere in life.'

I just felt that there was some off about him so I kept him at a distance until I could figure it out. Met him once then avoided it for a while. I found out he had two other girlfriends and they were happily practicing polygamy with him owing to his wealth status 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Off he went to my blocked list.....

OP posts:
Californiabound · 01/10/2023 04:30

You obviously think he is some kind of pedi due to the the comments about your daughter, why on earth would you even slightly give him the time of day.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:40

Californiabound · 01/10/2023 04:30

You obviously think he is some kind of pedi due to the the comments about your daughter, why on earth would you even slightly give him the time of day.

Because I don't think it's fair to automatically assume that. That's a HUGE allegation and sometimes people put their foot in their mouths and just don't realise how something sounds.

He has never expressed an interest in seeing her again or casually offered to meet at a park with the kids or something. We had been speaking for several months before I agreed to start meeting him the last two times.

I've taken it all as a package of concerning behaviours. Remember, I've only met him outside his workplace twice! Both times on a Friday night. I don't drink and initially thought gave him the benefit of the doubt with the alcohol as he works VERY hard and LONG hours and so he saw our time together as his down time.

I blocked him via WhatsApp, just received a text saying 'I miss you and keep thinking about you.' I have not responded.....

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 04:42

Oh, honey. There are so many red flags on this one. Nope nope nope. No man is worth this, just, honey, NO.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/10/2023 04:42

Mazhaz · 30/09/2023 16:57

I was with my daughter when I met him as he runs a business and I attended for an appointment. He's not been to my house or spent time with her of course they just met coincidentally.

I have considered the Claire's law thing.

It's so stressful dating as a woman and especially as a single mother. You just don't know.

I found the dramatics and the insistence on me not accusing him of some sort of rape alarming.

It's extremely disappointing as he has so much going for him and is generally very jovial. I just can't shake this feeling of him being a secret fucking weirdo.

Fgs how many red flags do you need?? Don't bring a creep like him anywhere near your daughter's life.

kamboozled · 01/10/2023 04:42

The fact that he always has a small bottle of alcohol in his pocket to 'calm his nerves.'

I didn't read past this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/10/2023 04:44

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 02:45

I think it would be best you stay single til your youngest is 18 and older because you are unfortunately a terrible judge of character who repeatedly gets involved with creepy men and don't have the common sense to recognise them that you have to ask. I'm glad you came here and asked but its honestly bad that you can't see this for yourself or maybe a part of you is sensible but you just dismiss it. I think you need to forget about men until your child is an adult because you're exposing her to dodgy characters.

This.

You don't need to date. Stay solo and focus on work and your child.

sfjonesie · 01/10/2023 04:47

It’s manipulative and gaslighting. And if you have to ask if he’s weird, he is. Definitely bin him off.

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 04:51

You don't need instincts. He's an alcoholic-he's told you he is! Dump.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:52

Yes, I've cut him off. Just blocked him via calls/texts too

OP posts:
mumtoboys12 · 01/10/2023 05:00

Ewwwww

Olika · 01/10/2023 05:12

Always trust your gut feeling. Based on what you have told here I have a bad feeling about this man. Keep him blocked and don't go back. Putting all red flags aside he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship and you are so that itself is enough for you to walk away.

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 05:33

Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 04:17

As I said, he runs a company so he met her coincidentally when I attended an appointment that I paid for on-line.

I am VERY aware of this which is why I've been so damn fussy and stayed single for 5 years. Creeps me the fuck out.

Show quote history

I’m in the same position as you so I understand,

you meeting him by coincidence doesn’t rule him out for being a pedophile, they are opportunistic people, and he definitely took the opportunity to get close to you didn’t he..
I just felt I had to point out that him commenting on your child’s physical appearance multiple times is extremely weird and definitely not normal
and I’m glad you noticed it’s not right

Original poster
Mazhaz · 01/10/2023 06:49

truthhurts23 · 01/10/2023 05:33

I’m in the same position as you so I understand,

you meeting him by coincidence doesn’t rule him out for being a pedophile, they are opportunistic people, and he definitely took the opportunity to get close to you didn’t he..
I just felt I had to point out that him commenting on your child’s physical appearance multiple times is extremely weird and definitely not normal
and I’m glad you noticed it’s not right

Show quote history

What I meant was, I didn't introduce my daughter to him! It wasn't like him and I were dating and I invited him over. They met at the appointment coincidentally.

Thanks for all of the advice people!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 07:19

It might be worth looking again at your childhood, op. I used to say mine was great too, because we don't question stuff when we're kids, we just think our lives are normal, whatever's going on. But usually, we look after ourselves in the way we've been looked after as children, so, if we grow up into adults who do what you've been doing (I.e. thinking that our feelings aren't a valid motivation to act/thinking that we might be 'wrong' to feel the way we do/thinking that sometimes we feel bad but we shouldn't), it's usually because that's how we've been cared for as children.

It doesn't have to be about malicious parents. They could have been stressed and busy with a more demanding sibling, illness, addiction, work, a chaotic social life, anything, really. But it's very very likely that you were often given the idea that when you felt strongly about something, you were encouraged to pipe down, or told you ought not to feel that way. Maybe you were lavished with gifts you didn't want, and never had anything you did want. That would be an example of well meaning parents raising someone who turned out as you have (and as I did)

Question your childhood further. It's where you learned to be you, and you are someone who doesn't put full faith in and act upon her feelings. It'll be in there somewhere, and you might even be invalidating some negative feelings about your parents, too.

Dolly567 · 01/10/2023 08:25

I agree about Claire's law if you can

DatingDinosaur · 01/10/2023 08:38

Did he drink any of that drink when he was with you? Just wondering if it was laced with Rohipnol or something. Otherwise, surely he would have kept his nerve-calming drinking habits secret on a first date.

Glad to see you’re ignoring him as so far we have a potentially alcoholic man with a creepy/weird look in his eyes, using his own business client database to get personal dates (illegal), showing an unhealthy interest in young girls (worrying), getting arsy and defensive when you question his motives (his guilty conscience), and now bombarding you with messages because you’re ignoring him (pushy/won’t take no for an answer).

You really have dodged a bullet OP. Please don’t cave in just because you’re feeling lonely and single. This man is not the one for you.

Please don’t have any interactions with his business again either.

pictoosh · 01/10/2023 08:49

I think the most telling thing is that when you tried to raise a valid concern with him, he swiftly turned it around to him being victimised.
He is clearly unwilling to have an adult discussion or look at things from someone else's point of view, instantly deflecting it back to you. This is not a man with integrity or any desire to meet you in the middle.

pictoosh · 01/10/2023 08:55

ShakeVigorouslyNow · 01/10/2023 02:45

I think it would be best you stay single til your youngest is 18 and older because you are unfortunately a terrible judge of character who repeatedly gets involved with creepy men and don't have the common sense to recognise them that you have to ask. I'm glad you came here and asked but its honestly bad that you can't see this for yourself or maybe a part of you is sensible but you just dismiss it. I think you need to forget about men until your child is an adult because you're exposing her to dodgy characters.

I think you need to join a creative writing class. Ha ha.

squirrlebutkin · 01/10/2023 09:00

OP, I met a guy online. From our communications online there seemed to be something that discomfited me about him. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was at all, so decided to ignored that feeling, telling myself I must be imagining it. Met him, and really he was lovely, caring, really nice. A rare empathetic, kind guy. Three years later I found out what he was really like. It was devastating. Looking back, I think my gut instinct had picked up that he was trying to play me, to real me in. I will never ignore my gut again.

Your guy clearly has multiple issues, and only alcoholics carry around alcohol ‘for their nerves. Just end it now.