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Original poster

Angry at DH about car

231 replies

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 03:47

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 03:49

Just to clarify, he has narrowed car choices down to two options, one manual, one automatic. The automatic had some red flags so he went for the manual.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/09/2023 03:54

You mentioned you have no interest in cars so he made the decision?

StellaLaBella · 22/09/2023 03:59

Well, he should've discussed it with you so you could both come to a rational and reasonable decision of which one was the best option. I totally understand that part of your frustration. It was high handed of him when he knew you were nervous about a manual.

Is there a cooling off period? If not, I would suggest you put it behind you, perhaps learn on an automatic initially to get your "sea legs" so to speak and then transition to a manual. It is daunting, but I am sure with a little confidence building, you can become competent in the few months you are off

coffy11 · 22/09/2023 04:00

Yeah that was really inconsiderate for him not to run it by you before he bought it knowing you don't like driving manuals.

I tried learning a manual once and hated it. Maybe the more you drive one the more comfortable it will be? It doesn't really make sense now to learn an auto when you don't have an auto car.

buckingmad · 22/09/2023 04:00

Unless you have something like dyspraxia then it really is worth getting a manual license. You really narrow your options by only being able to drive automatic plus they tend to be more expensive.

Youvd even said in you op that you have no interest in cars so maybe your DH didn’t realise your preference for auto.

yogasaurus · 22/09/2023 04:04

You needed a car urgently, and you don’t take much interest, he’s gone and bought one. Used cars are in vanishing supply at the minute, adding auto as a requirement makes it worse plus they’re more expensive. He has an important journey coming up, you don’t drive and don’t sound like you’re anywhere near passing your test.

You can’t buy a car with issues.

Just keep on with lessons, you’ll get there. Everyone struggles at some point.

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:08

@buckingmad I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 22/09/2023 04:09

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:08

@buckingmad I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags.

So then he’s gone for the manual, as there was something in it.

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:11

perhaps learn on an automatic initially to get your "sea legs" so to speak and then transition to a manual

That's an interesting idea, to get my confidence up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:13

@buckingmad I understand the reasons. I just feel irrationally angry and resentful every time I look at the car. (Not been in it yet.) I was really looking forward to lessons, and now I feel pushed into learning manual or not learning at all.

OP posts:
Thatladdo · 22/09/2023 04:14

One had red flags on did not, he made the right choice.

Overcome your fears, its better to pass your manual test anyway. 😊

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:16

@WandaWonder I don't have any interest in models, engines, or whether it's electric. I want it to be safe obviously, not too big and ideally not have a fancy dashboard that I would find distracting. I told him I had a preference for automatic. I suppose we didn't discuss what would happen if he couldn't find one, but I think we should have!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:21

@Thatladdo I agree it's better to get the hang of an automatic, but I'm 45, I have a tired mummy's brain and haven't had a full night's sleep in years. I found with a manual it was too many things to think about at once.

I just feel like DH doesn't appreciate that. Like he thought my preference for auto was like a preference for a colour.

OP posts:
pepsimax00 · 22/09/2023 04:25

Is DH gonna give you extra lessons or are you just going with an instructor? If just instructor learn auto and then once passed (taking ages to get test slots) then maybe get an auto car or get your own.

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:30

@pepsimax00 I'd get an instructor. I did consider getting auto lessons anyway but I don't know when we'd even get a second car. I really want to get my license, but I'm happy to leave most of the driving up to DH save just drive as needed. I just thought it would be helpful to take DC to the hospital in an emergency, or ferry them short distances for after school activities.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:34

There was a third option - rent a car and wait until the right one for both of us becomes available. We are about to move to a big city, we could have waited for then, but I don't know how long it would have taken. DH will soon have a small commute to work but he was planning to try to cycle a few times a week too.

OP posts:
marcopront · 22/09/2023 04:37

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:08

@buckingmad I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags.

I don't get why if this is what you said, and there was a problem with the automatic you have an issue with the decision.

Puccini1900 · 22/09/2023 04:38

You realise that if you passed on an automatic, you could only ever drive automatics?

Whereas if you passed on a manual, you can drive both?

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:44

@marcopront we weren't actually at the point of buying the car when I said this! We were still at the discussion stage. He didn't have carte blanche to buy one without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:48

@Puccini1900 thanks I didn't know this. What do tourists do? Anyway I only meant get lessons in an auto to get my confidence up and get used to doing everything aside from using a clutch. I found with a manual all I could think about was what my feet were doing and managing the gear box, and I was struggling to do other things at the same time. Roundabouts were horrific.

OP posts:
buckingmad · 22/09/2023 04:49

I think the crux of the problem is poor communication on both your parts tbh!

Circumferences · 22/09/2023 04:51

I understand you have low confidence driving a manual, but it's better overall to get your manual license. Automatic 2nd hand cars are far more expensive to buy and then more expensive to get repaired if they go wrong.

As an aside-
Are you aware that there's currently about 5-6 months of a wait to get a test in the UK because our government is so shit and not sorting it out?

How's your driving theory have you been reading your highway code? Remember to practice your hazard perception tests there are loads of mock tests online. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Joystir59 · 22/09/2023 04:51

Just start manual driving lessons, and you will get the hang of it after a while- it took me lots of lessons but I got there, and so will you. Your husband made the right decision in my opinion as he's the only one driving at the moment, and automatic cars are mostly really expensive and shite!

marcopront · 22/09/2023 04:51

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:44

@marcopront we weren't actually at the point of buying the car when I said this! We were still at the discussion stage. He didn't have carte blanche to buy one without me.

You used the "phrase get the automatic "
How is that not about buying the car?

If you needed a car urgently then why were you not at the buying the car stage?

Joystir59 · 22/09/2023 04:54

And regarding the horror of roundabouts: as a learner driver you will approach roundabouts in second gear, stay in second gear until you clear them, then all you have to focus on is steering and braking.