Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry at DH about car

231 replies

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 03:47

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

OP posts:
NoThanksymm · 24/09/2023 21:06

Oh!

so the library here has video games and their game decks. You can even get wheels and pedals. It’s not the same, but some of the games are excellently programmed. Could help with timing and corners and such.

kinda fun with dear children if they are old enough.

or do you know a farmer? Driving in a farmers field. Some cones or haybails. A good starting place if roads are intimidating. I did a trailering course like that and it was fantastic. They actually had you do everything completely wrong too (like too tight corners and jackknifing the trailer) so you know how far you can go. And why you shouldn’t lol.

atv’s (quads, side by sides, skidoos) also excellent good fun starting points.

Funderthighs · 24/09/2023 21:07

You definitely need to move on!

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 24/09/2023 22:25

@Funderthighs haha I have actually made my peace with DH and the car! But the comments make me keep coming back 😂

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/09/2023 01:04

NRTWT but for me it would simply be about him making a major financial decision without even a phone call. Its not like the M&S chippy tea thread, its a lot of money he has decided unilaterally to spend. Hell yes I would be resentful.

That would be the issue for me, more than the manual/automatic issue.

FYI, when I learned to drive we bought me an old banger (£300!) as he had a company car that I couldnt drive without a full license (nor would I have wanted to). And every where we went I drove us in my car. Is that doable?
It was practice that got me a fast pass. IME driving instructors teach you how to pass your test, THEN you learn to drive!

Epidote · 25/09/2023 07:04

@Mamma13568
Nice to hear that all is in the past.
Soon enough you will be able to drive. I was very scared when I did my lesson but it is just practice to be honest. In my case loads of practice.

You got this!

Mrspenfold123 · 25/09/2023 18:11

Change the conversation in your head.
You have a manual car so learn to drive a manual. Simple as that. You’ll be able to do it. Between you, you decided he’d choose a car and he did - don’t resent him for making what he thought was the best decision in the moment.

Kattiekat · 25/09/2023 18:16

I get that you only want to learn automatic.

i had anxiety and still have it mildly. I have 2 youngish kids who are very hyper and after having a few manual lessons I realised I wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

knowing this my husband went a bought a manual car, his thought process was that I could be convinced to learn manual.
I wasn’t convinced and I was furious that my feelings had been disregarded and ignored.

regardless of the advantages of one over the other, you feel how you feel.

if the automatic you had shortlisted had red flags he could have looked for another auto.

I understand your disappointment. You had envisioned extra learning, being able to be more independent sooner, doing something for yourself.

you go on and learn your automatic then get yourself a little car of you can.

Tessabelle74 · 25/09/2023 18:19

Why waste your money learning in an automatic if you won't be getting one anytime soon? You may never pass anyway so in my book the driver gets to pick the car

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 25/09/2023 18:22

I really recommend learning manual, you’ll be fine and much more useful! No harder than automatic tbh, the difficult bit about getting a license is reading the road and learning the rules

S4uk · 25/09/2023 18:37

What about either doing an intensive course; or looking at ones that are for 14-16 year olds? I don’t mean that to sound patronising; but they are off road and usually a full day so you can be confident in a car before you hit “real” traffic?

Lisapeter · 25/09/2023 18:45

If they pass test in automatic they will not be able to drive a manual car. If they pass in a manual they can drive any.

Oldheadyoungshoulders · 25/09/2023 19:33

You'll hopefully find the more you drive a manual car, the less you worry about the clutch, and once you pass your test, drive regularly - helps the confidence hugely. You can do it! Also, a really good driving instructor should help you immensely.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 25/09/2023 20:08

What a lousy dickhead! I'd insist he returns the car and buys an Automatic instead.

He needs to accept that you're an equal partner in this relationship and if you prefer to drive an Automatic, then it makes sense to buy a car that you can both use.

I've been driving for over 40 yrs and have swapped over to Autos for the last 20+ years as I think they're much more relaxing to drive.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 25/09/2023 20:11

Lisapeter · 25/09/2023 18:45

If they pass test in automatic they will not be able to drive a manual car. If they pass in a manual they can drive any.

Why?
There's no reason to ever drive a manual car if you don't want to. 😂

Keeper11 · 25/09/2023 20:15

Let’s look at this from your DH’s point of view. You are 45 and so far have not learnt to drive. You have no interest in cars.
You have this dream of learning to drive during a period when you will be a SAHP.
You plan to leave most of the driving to your DH, only driving for short journeys or in an emergency.
You don’t want a “fancy dashboard” - most modern cars come with a built in sat nav, maybe parking sensors, and all sorts of warning lights.
You find roundabouts horrific and can’t cope with handling a clutch and a gear stick.
You say you needed a car urgently and it was a choice between a dodgy automatic or a reliable manual.
Under these circumstances you are angry that your DH chose the reliable car!
Get yourself a license either manual or automatic, and then you can have a say in what car is purchased! But as you describe the situation, it seems as if your husband is going to do the lions share of the driving, even if you do pass your test. So I don’t see why you can blame him for choosing a reliable car that suits him as the main/only driver

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 25/09/2023 20:17

buckingmad · 22/09/2023 04:00

Unless you have something like dyspraxia then it really is worth getting a manual license. You really narrow your options by only being able to drive automatic plus they tend to be more expensive.

Youvd even said in you op that you have no interest in cars so maybe your DH didn’t realise your preference for auto.

100% this ^^
You are so much better off learning a manual. It makes renting cars etc so much easier.
Don't worry OP you'll get there with it. X

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/09/2023 20:26

I can’t believe this thread. You are driven around by your DH. You can’t drive. You say you’re a long way off driving. You’ve had lessons but can’t pass. You only want to learn to drive for emergencies, small things like after school activities and to relieve a little pressure off your DH (fuck me, entitled much?!) but are “happy” to let him do the bulk of the driving, you don’t know much about cars, have no interest in them beyond safety and the dashboard…..but you want an equal say in which car the family has in case you manage to pass! AND you feel resentment towards your DH such that you can’t even look at the car!! Are you an equal partner in this marriage, or are you his princess?! And you’re going to live rurally, to top it all off! This can’t be real, can it?!

Do you have an equal say in which clothes your DH buys? Which umbrella or bike or whatever in case you might want to use it briefly?

Orangello · 25/09/2023 21:06

It makes renting cars etc so much easier.

All you need is to tick 'automatic' when booking...I haven't found a rental yet that doesn't have automatics nowadays.

Michellelovesizzy · 25/09/2023 21:50

This isn’t really answering ur question about the car…. But I am just learning to drive I honestly thought I would never be able to do it but I am. Honestly to start I had no confidence and used to come home crying. I have my test booked and I am nearly ready. Maybe give the manual again. My partner just go me a little ford its 20 years old but it great 4 a first car. We he was looking 4 it there was literally nothing about and I remember him mentioning he hasn't seen any autos 4 sales so I think second hand cars r hard to get at the min x

GreenFritillary · 25/09/2023 22:24

I needed to start driving at 60, and I only had a motorbike licence, from when I was young. I was becoming increasingly disabled and less able to walk, cycle and use public transport, which we had always done because of climate change.
I got a driving instructor I really liked, and spent a lot at a virtual driving centre on a simulator, which was unbelievably realistic. I over-learned, and passed first time. I made myself learn on a manual so I would be able to drive anything, but we found a second-hand automatic and I love it, wouldn't go back to manual.
My husband did the same as it became obvious I was going to need him as my driver. He still would not have a car for himself, but he likes the automatic.

Scotland32 · 25/09/2023 22:38

YABU. It’s really not difficult to learn to drive a manual car. Thousands of 17 year olds (and others) manage every year. I’d be irked if hubby bought a high value item without chatting to me so for that YA(maybe)NBU, BUT you said you weren’t interested in cars!

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 25/09/2023 22:40

@Raincloudsonasunnyday
Well your comment amongst many others really annoyed me.
I'm not his princess - I was the sole breadwinner. We have a kid with severe SEN and it's a full-time job itself. So we divide up the research for big decisions - jobs, house, school, car have all changed in the last few months. So I'm sorry I didn't have time to look at cars because I was looking at schools. And yes I'm allowed to feel disappointed because it would be nice to have one thing made a little bit easier and quicker like learning to drive an automatic.

No need to to kick me down to make yourself feel important.

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 25/09/2023 22:43

BatteryPoweredMammy · 25/09/2023 20:08

What a lousy dickhead! I'd insist he returns the car and buys an Automatic instead.

He needs to accept that you're an equal partner in this relationship and if you prefer to drive an Automatic, then it makes sense to buy a car that you can both use.

I've been driving for over 40 yrs and have swapped over to Autos for the last 20+ years as I think they're much more relaxing to drive.

She can't drive though, so what good is having an equal share in a car she can't ACTUALLY use even it was an automatic?

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 25/09/2023 22:48

@Tessabelle74

Learning to drive a car is still using it. And even if we didn't share it equally, it's still equally mine!

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 25/09/2023 22:51

"I told him I had a preference for automatic. I suppose we didn't discuss what would happen if he couldn't find one, but I think we should have!"

He couldn't find one, so bought the only suitable one available in the tight time frame you had. Maybe next time speak up a bit so he knows what you want, no one is a mind reader after all!