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Original poster

Angry at DH about car

231 replies

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 03:47

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

OP posts:
Peregrine93 · 22/09/2023 08:38

Just get over yourself. You showed no interest in cars, a good deal came up and he needed one urgently so bought it. Not a big deal.

Nearly everyone in the UK drives a manual so you will have no problem learning. Also gives you more flexibility with the next new car

sonicsspeedchallenge · 22/09/2023 08:39

@m00rfarm

and you are now guessing that the automatic was actually OK and he lied about it?

I didn't say or suggest this at all.

You may not agree with my opinion but don't try and make up things I didn't say.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 22/09/2023 08:39

I think this is what comes of having no interest in cars.

You can't have your cake and eat it!

And it would be best to learn to drive a manual rather than give up at this point. It might not feel comfortable but tbh it doesn't feel comfortable to anyone in the early days so you're not alone.

I think you'd feel better about everything if you (1) pushed yourself to learn a manual and (2) took an interest in cars which after all of you're going to be a driver, you need to know.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/09/2023 08:40

Not the point of your thread but there's a 6 month waiting lists for practical tests. I booked a practical for my ds 3 weeks ago and his test date is Feb 2024. You should book a test asap.
Instructors also have a long waiting list round here because of the pandemic. The one I called was booked up months in advance.

m00rfarm · 22/09/2023 08:41

sonicsspeedchallenge · 22/09/2023 08:39

@m00rfarm

and you are now guessing that the automatic was actually OK and he lied about it?

I didn't say or suggest this at all.

You may not agree with my opinion but don't try and make up things I didn't say.

You said this "I would be questioning whether or not he was just being selfish there or is it was a deliberate act to try and stall your attempt to drive"

What exactly DID you mean if it were not him lying about the automatic having red flags?

FinnRussell · 22/09/2023 08:42

What were the red flags on the other car?

AlisonDonut · 22/09/2023 08:42

You don't drive. And don't even know that if you pass your test in an automatic that you can't then drive a manual car.

You are likely to be years off actually driving, and if you move to a city you might never drive.

So let the actual driver make the decisions about the car to buy. Once you can drive, then expect to be included in the discussions.

gertrudemortimer · 22/09/2023 08:43

Learn to drive in whatever you want. When you pass your test you will find a way to get yourself a car! It took me two years (60 hours inc an intense course) to learn in manual. I've no idea how long autos take to learn in but I did find it very expensive. I will say though that if you've learned in a manual before then maybe it's worth sticking to it? You say you did roundabouts so your instructor obviously thought you were competent enough at it to go ahead. Stalling or wrong gear won't necessarily mean you'll fail your test. Even incomplete parking manoeuvres won't fail your test as long as nothing is unsafe!

sonicsspeedchallenge · 22/09/2023 08:43

You said this "I would be questioning whether or not he was just being selfish there or is it was a deliberate act to try and stall your attempt to drive"

What exactly DID you mean if it were not him lying about the automatic having red flags?

I just meant because he chose to buy the manual rather than an automatic. I didn't say he was lying about the automatic, I was quite clear earlier in that same post you have quoted me in that other automatics are available.

At no point did I even consider he was lying about the condition of the car.

Funderthighs · 22/09/2023 08:44

He did what he thought was for the best given the fact that you had no interest in cars and that you’d agreed to go with the best option mechanically. Rather than spending your energy being cross with him, you need to take a deep breath, get over yourself and tell yourself that you CAN learn to drive a manual. I mean that kindly. Go on….you can do it!

MaybeSmaller · 22/09/2023 08:44

I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags.

In that case, he made the right decision which was to go for the manual?

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 22/09/2023 08:47

I think if you have a “tired mummy brain” you should stay out of the drivers seat.

Lotsofthings · 22/09/2023 08:50

All electric cars are automatic, so all cars in the future. I don’t think there is much need to learn manually if you are not keen.

ActDottie · 22/09/2023 08:51

Just learn on a manual I’m a terribly unconfident driver and I managed it. Just takes practice.

ValerieDoonican · 22/09/2023 08:58

Just a tip for helping you learn (whatever car you are learning in). When you go to bed "practice" the stages in your mind like starting, looking, indicating, engaging and changing the gears (when you het to that). Do this every night, especially after each lesson. It will really help the autopilot develop.

I do think your dh sounds a bit inconsiderate but lots of other people have weighed in on that!

financialcareerstuff · 22/09/2023 09:04

Your DH sounds kind of lovely if he is so upset that you are upset..... I suspect he thought he was taking the burden of working something out in an area you have no interest, and following your instruction on treating manual as a preference if all things equal, rather than a requirement

I sympathize with that panicked multitasking feeling of learning to drive a manual... but for most people that phase tends to last a very short time. (Honestly for most people just three ten mins practices, stationery in the car, moving gears without the engine on etc can help get past that bump!) I'd push through and hopefully you will soon be fine!

Try to turn your mood around OP- maybe learn to be clearer with your DH what is really important to you v a nice to have - I know you didn't expect him to purchase without checking, but if auto was really a requirement, you should have told him early to save a lot of wasted time looking at manual specs...) you can rise to the challenge of becoming a manual aficionado (you can do it!)..... maybe make a deal with your DH that some of the money saved from the rental option he can use to take you out for a bang up meal when you get your license...... grab victory from the jaws of grumpiness! Flowers

SoupDragon · 22/09/2023 09:09

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 04:08

@buckingmad I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags.

So he did exactly what you said? If you expected him to buy an automatic whatever, you should have said that.

I didn't know the automatic he ended up liking had a big red flag.

But it did have a red flag so he chose the other car. The car you needed "urgently".

Fishpieandchips · 22/09/2023 09:17

If you are in the UK you will have a long wait for a test. The wait times are ridiculous at the moment

pictoosh · 22/09/2023 09:17

I'm going to be unsympathetic and say you should learn manual. I took me ages to get the gist of gears (passed my test at the age of 39) but I'm glad I did because I can drive anything now.
Keep going.

sleepyscientist · 22/09/2023 09:19

Fishpieandchips · 22/09/2023 09:17

If you are in the UK you will have a long wait for a test. The wait times are ridiculous at the moment

Depends if you pay a company to find you one, some available local to us for £200-300

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 09:20

I am genuinely surprised at the number of people here that say they are not confident, doesn't feel comfortable, it's difficult,...

It's actually quite worrying.

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 09:37

Leaving aside the actual issue here of the car purchase, there is so much bullshit on this thread about having an automatic license!

Im not sure if it’s just posters having old fashioned views about it but these days it is not at all limiting to have an automatic license. So many more cars are automatic and that is only going to increase in the next decade or so.

Some people genuinely can’t get to grips with a manual gearstick. I am one of them! I spent stupid amounts of money on lessons stalling and panicking and generally being an unsafe driver. I dreaded junctions and traffic lights and roundabouts and anywhere that I might have to stop the car. It was ridiculous. I switched to automatic lessons and got myself an automatic car and within a lesson or two I was a confident and relaxed driver, doing manoeuvres and complex junctions. The difference was huge! Hearing ‘oh everyone can drive a manual with a bit of practice’ used to make me feel crap but I actually don’t care now. But it’s not true - some people either can’t, or can’t afford the thousands of pounds it would take to get there!

I haven’t found it at all limiting to have an automatic license. I’m yet to encounter one of these emergencies that people talk about where I’ll need to save the day by jumping into a manual car.

Maybe some of you can understand that your experience of driving is not universal. What you find easy others may find impossible. Open your minds a little bit.

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 10:07

Disagree with all those saying you just learn manual. I've learned manual. I've never driven one since getting my license. I wouldn't feel comfortable ever driving one. I come from a country where automatics are the norm, and they seem to be coming more and more common here. I drive cars for work and I've never even had to mention that I'd prefer automatic, they've all been.

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 10:09

Oh and to add, I have ADHD, so I need the simplest options out there. Everyone is wired differently and it's ok to be more comfortable with an automatic. Your DH was really inconsiderate, anyone can drive an automatic but not everyone can drive a manual.

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 10:10

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 09:20

I am genuinely surprised at the number of people here that say they are not confident, doesn't feel comfortable, it's difficult,...

It's actually quite worrying.

About what? And why is it worrying?