Angry at DH about car

[Mamma13568]

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

What are these red flags of the auto?

(Let me preface this with I'm in the US and we don't have separate automatic and manual licenses. My daughter had already obtained her license driving an automatic. I bought her a manual car as I wanted to make sure she knew how to drive a manual. )

I taught my daughter how to shift gears in a manual transmission car, particularly how to get going from a dead stop, while we were in an empty parking lot. I had her leave the driver's door open while I stood outside the car and watched her feet. I talked her through easing off the clutch and applying pressure to the gas pedal at the same time until she was driving off. I would walk to where she stopped and we would go again. We practiced this for an hour or so in short spurts around the parking lot repeatedly until she had that part down.

Don't overlook empty parking lots as a way to practice shifting.

As a side note, my daughter was overconfident in her manual abilities before this and insisted, "I got this" and wouldn't let me help her. She tried to drive the car to work and stalled when she stopped to make a turn. Someone had to stop and drive her and her car to work. She called me crying from work about it and was finally willing to let me teach her.

You can do it OP!@Mamma13568 Stop overthinking this. Everybody is afraid at first and this is normal. But everyone can learn to drive a manual. You will be so proud of yourself . Practice your stop/starts on the weekend with DH till you can do them smoothly. This is the hardest bit . Believe in yourself! You can do it!

Have 10 lessons before you get in a car with able to drive H!

There is no one I would rather not teach me to drive than my H good god now, we would kill each other.

After 10 lessons gears, clutch will be second nature. Controlling a car, turning, making it stop, reversing, it's not difficult it's doing it with all the other cars doing the same.

Honestly OP gears are the least of you concerns, they actually give you more control, especially in bad weather.

Look right now you have a new car, you are 12 months away at least from passing a test, so have a weekend trip out in it.

(You can turn dashboard lights down)

Why? ALL cars will become automatic.

I do get this. I learnt in a manual but didn’t enjoy driving one and have had automatic for the 13 years I’ve had a car, wouldn’t go back now! So much less to think about especially with DC in the car. I’d be livid as my husband knows it’s a non negotiable for me if he wants me to do any driving, and I also take the DC to lots of things and places!

I know its can feel impossible to manage a manual (I remember telling the instructor I could not possible operate the car and look out of the window at the same time) but it is worth pushing through. I used to live in the States where a lot of people learn in automatics and it really limited them. If it is any comfort, I have been driving for over 30 years now - once you get the hang of it, you will wonder why you struggled.

If you pass in an automatic, you’re so restricted. They’re also more expensive to buy and run. I think your DH has done the right thing. He needed a car and you can’t even drive yet.

You'll learn in a manual and you’ll be fine. Once you get the hang of it, you don’t even think about it.

If it was between buying this car and an automatic with issues, it’s really a no brainer.

When? Next week? In 10 years? That’s not currently how it is and manuals are still being manufactured so it’s not really a valid point.

I only drive automatic now but learned in a manual. It took me 5 goes to pass the test and loads of lessons but I persevered and got there in the end.
I then didn't drive for ages lost confidence and then found automatic easier. It is sometimes a bit limiting though so better to learn manual if you can. You say though that you don't intend to drive very often and will let your DH do most of the driving - this is a bad idea as you don't really get your confidence properly if you don't keep up the practice. Once you get your licence you really need to drive every day if possible even if only round the block until you feel completely comfortable with it. Personally I found the first time I drove without an instructor totally terrifying!

With all due respect you need to get a grip.
lessons won’t cost thousands… look at all the people on the roads- if they can do it, you can!

Why not just take the red flags off the automatic? Or replace them with flags that you both like?

He said the automatic had red flags but the manual didn’t. Did he only look at two cars? I always test-drive loads.

I have a full license but haven’t bothered with manuals for about 15 years. Automatics are much nicer to drive in my opinion. We have a few cars in our household, and the odd time I drive the manual, I always wonder who fuck would choose manual over automatic. They’re just a chore!

in 2035 (assuming the EV policy is pushed back), all new cars will be automatic anyway and it won’t be long before this kind of debate will be redundant.

DH and I have both had automatic cars for years - including a Mini Cooper S, VW Golf, VW T Roc and a RR Evoque. DSG boxes are a dream - you can manually override them should you want/need to, and it's so much better for driving comfort and fuel economy. And they hold their money better.

Oh, and in probably 10 years, we've never had a car go into a garage needing a repair on the automatic gearbox there's an awful lot of misinformation on this thread about automatics, OP. We both learned to drive manual cars but choose not to!

I am with you on this.

Mini no longer make ICE cars with a manual gearbox. VW no longer make GTIs with a manual gearbox. Almost all Mercedes are automatic and always have been.

I have had all of the above and more. I currently have an auto Toyota. Never had a single gearbox issue. Never noticed insurance premiums going up. Never had any trouble buying or selling them.

I think we need to be sensible here. The OP said they spent £10k. Don't know what car but we can presume used and probably put of warranty.

Certain autos are fine but others are not, particularly when the car is out of warranty. I wouldn't touch a Ford Powershift, older Volvo auto etc.

Saying all autos are fine is short sighted in the extreme. And if they go wrong, you will be in a world of pain.

I do love the "information" given on this thread.

So you can't drive and he can but you wanted the car that you wanted. Selfish much. Unless you have a Learning Disability then a manual car is easy and shouldn't be a block to someone who does have a license choosing their car.

If you don't want to drive a manual because there's 'too many things to think about', then that's the least of your worries, because driving requires you to be thinking about several things at once.
You simply learn, like anyone else. Yes it takes time, but I remember very clearly struggling with changing gears whilst learning and I don't even think about it now.

Let it go, and learn to drive manual. You needed a car. You've got a car.

My daily car is a 10 year old Mini; cost me well under £10k. Never had a problem with the gearbox.

i have driven old and new autos. Never had a problem with any of them and never needed to make use of the warranty. Autos get a bad rap in the UK cos they were a bit crap until about 20 years ago.

The majority of new cars in the UK now are autos.

Give me a 1988 Mercedes W124 auto over any new POS auto for reliability thanks very much...

@Mamma13568 I can understand why you think that starting with an Automatic and then changing to a manual would be good for your confidence, but it's a very bad idea IMO as it won't help in the way you think it will, for one thing. As others have said too if you pass your test in an Automatic, you cannot then drive anything except another Automatic. And most cars in this country are manual. Still.

Check for a driving Instructor with a high pass rate. The quality of Instructors vary enormously and they are graded according to their abilities. Although I think there are only 3 grades now when there used to be 7 I think. I was 43, going on 44 when I first started to learn to drive. First Instructor was awful. I sacked him after 4 lessons. Found another one who was a member of the Institute of Advanced Motoring and was a Grade 6 Instructor at that time and passed my test first time.

The average number of lessons was 1.5 lessons for every year of your age, so I was told. Which means some people may take 2 lessons for every year of your age and some might only take 1 for every year of age.

Do not take lessons with your OH to begin with either. Fine to go out driving with your OH supervising you ONCE you are more competent, but in the early days, it is a huge mistake to go out with a loved one or close friend. Tempers can get frayed very easily and you may also pick up bad habits from them too

You can do this, I'm sure. Just take it easy and keep trying to find a good Instructor that you are comfortable with until you are happy with them and they suit your needs if you are a bit anxious

perhaps learn on an automatic initially to get your "sea legs" so to speak and then transition to a manual.

I really, really wouldn't do this. Fair enough if you've decided that you need/want to limit yourself to auto only - and, as has been said, all cars will be auto before too long - but if you do want to have the option of driving manual cars, learn in a manual car.

Driving smoothly is one combined multi-faceted skill, not a series of stages - and it's far from straightforward to learn how to drive without worrying about gears and then suddenly have to introduce them out of the blue.

I think it’s difficult to be resentful, you did allow him to take responsibility of purchasing.

I love my automatic car and would never own a manual again given the choice…that said I can drive manual and my advice would be as difficult as it may seem it will pay off I. The long run. If you ever needed to drive a manual in an emergency you can, I can think of several occasions where I have needed to and have been able to do this. Also, when I have needed to hire a car, automatic cost is almost triple the cost of manual.

perhaps find a patient instructor, might take twice as long to learn but will pay off in the long run especially as you have s manual sat there waiting now. I had to swap instructor's for this reason and then one day it just clicked. Also, I believe nationally the testing system is chaos so even if with an automstic you find yourself ready, could be months before you can test?

Sounds like poor communication, and you're not unreasonable to express your feelings of frustration to DH. However, learning to drive in a manual may not be a bad thing - you'll gain confidence the more practice you get.

Maybe driving is not safe for you and other people on the roads If you think that coordinating leg and arm in manual is too hard.

Sometimes you have to react in milliseconds while driving + have full time pocus on the road and soundings.