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Original poster

Angry at DH about car

231 replies

Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 03:47

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 22/09/2023 10:16

Yabu. Learn to drive a manual

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 10:23

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 10:10

About what? And why is it worrying?

Show quote history

It's worrying that there are so many people on the road that are not confident enough in their driving ability!

That they are not confident enough to be responsible for a great big lump of metal travelling at significant speeds with hazards all around them!

You don't find that worrying?

SoupDragon · 22/09/2023 11:05

Your DH was really inconsiderate

For doing what they agreed?

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 11:17

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 10:23

It's worrying that there are so many people on the road that are not confident enough in their driving ability!

That they are not confident enough to be responsible for a great big lump of metal travelling at significant speeds with hazards all around them!

You don't find that worrying?

Show quote history

I think you’ll find what people are actually saying is they want to drive as safely as possible because of all of those things. And for some, the safest option is to drive an automatic. I’d say that’s the opposite of worrying. I’d far rather that people were aware of how dangerous driving can be and do all they can to be as safe as possible on the roads.

midgemadgemodge · 22/09/2023 11:27

You needed a car

You would prefer and automatic but after a lot of looking you couldn't get an automatic on time and in budget

You are cross with DH ? Why would it have been better for him to phone and say "we'll have to get the manual because there isn't an automatic available " it would change nothing ?

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 11:39

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 11:17

I think you’ll find what people are actually saying is they want to drive as safely as possible because of all of those things. And for some, the safest option is to drive an automatic. I’d say that’s the opposite of worrying. I’d far rather that people were aware of how dangerous driving can be and do all they can to be as safe as possible on the roads.

Show quote history

i get what you are saying, but it doesn't go far enough.

To say, "... they want to drive as safely as possible..." is not good enough, what they should be saying is "I can drive safely!"

Want or try, just isn't good enough when you're risking other peoples lives.

Howtonamechange · 22/09/2023 11:46

You can't even drive yet and you're arguing about the car.

Get your lessons and license, whether auto or manual, then think about getting an additional car or selling the current one and getting a new one if you decide to go the auto route.

You also said you would prefer an auto rather than decide on auto together. Although he should have run the final decision by you - you can't drive it anyway and it will be him driving it.

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 11:59

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 11:39

i get what you are saying, but it doesn't go far enough.

To say, "... they want to drive as safely as possible..." is not good enough, what they should be saying is "I can drive safely!"

Want or try, just isn't good enough when you're risking other peoples lives.

Show quote history

Of course it goes far enough. People (including myself!) have said they don’t feel safe driving a manual. They do feel safe driving an automatic. Therefore they drive an automatic. Where is the issue?

rwalker · 22/09/2023 12:01

sonicsspeedchallenge · 22/09/2023 07:51

Automatic only licenses are not at all limiting these days.

Show quote history

I work for one of the major utilities no auto vehicles in our fleet so you couldn’t get a job with us
and as far as I’m aware all our competitors are the same
so you could be limiting yourself in the job market
it has been raised with our company for auto vehicles and it a no only exception was disability

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/09/2023 12:04

Are you sure it was an innocent choice? Is it a method of control to keep you from driving?

MaxTalk · 22/09/2023 12:06

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 11:59

Of course it goes far enough. People (including myself!) have said they don’t feel safe driving a manual. They do feel safe driving an automatic. Therefore they drive an automatic. Where is the issue?

Show quote history

Some people don't have enough capacity or ability to change gears so have an auto.

If it means they can control their car in an emergency then it makes it safer for the rest of us.

Laffinalltheway · 22/09/2023 12:09

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/09/2023 11:59

Of course it goes far enough. People (including myself!) have said they don’t feel safe driving a manual. They do feel safe driving an automatic. Therefore they drive an automatic. Where is the issue?

Show quote history

The issue is those that say they don't feel confident, comfortable or its difficult to drive. Regardless of whether they drive a manual or an automatic.

Whatever type of car you drive, you have to feel confident and comfortable about driving it.

I'm not saying that people should not drive, but I am saying that they should not drive something that they don't feel 100% confident and comfortable in.

Thelmsie · 22/09/2023 12:11

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed from the site at the user's request.

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 12:14

It's worrying that there are so many people on the road that are not confident enough in their driving ability!

Not confident in driving a manual. Automatic lumps of metal are fine Grin

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 12:16

SoupDragon · 22/09/2023 11:05

Your DH was really inconsiderate

For doing what they agreed?

From the OP: We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision.

So nothing was agreed.

MrsRandom123 · 22/09/2023 12:18

So you can’t actually drive? You need a car urgently & he needs it for a big drive? You don’t like cars & let him chose.

yabu

MaxTalk · 22/09/2023 12:21

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 12:14

It's worrying that there are so many people on the road that are not confident enough in their driving ability!

Not confident in driving a manual. Automatic lumps of metal are fine Grin

Until you get a repair bill of course!! :)

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 12:53

Some harsh responses! Again, when I told him to get the automatic, he hadn't narrowed down any choices yet, we were just talking freely about what cars were our preferences. The point I was making was that an auto was my preference.

Secondly I have had lessons before. I had about 20 lessons and I stopped when I moved abroad. I was able to drive manual, but I found it very uncomfortable. I was looking forward to the idea of an automatic.

OP posts:
gannett · 22/09/2023 12:57

The choice wasn't actually between an automatic and a manual though, if the automatic had red flags. It was either a manual or no car at all right now. If he needs it urgently (more so than you, if you haven't learned to drive yet) then the manual was obviously the right choice.

Learning to drive a manual might be more difficult for you but it shouldn't be impossible. In the long run this might not even matter.

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 12:57

Also I appreciate that I'm a long way off from getting a license. But the point is that I didn't get a choice about the kind of car I wanted to learn in either. DH suggested many times over the years getting an auto to make it easier for me... right up until he bought the manual.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 13:11

@midgemadgemodge

You are cross with DH ? Why would it have been better for him to phone and say "we'll have to get the manual because there isn't an automatic available " it would change nothing ?

Well yes a call would have been nice before dropping £10k. I would like to have seen it too. I'm not interested in cars but it's a huge chunk of money, I would like to have talked through and why this was the better choice. Incidentally he had some doubts about the auto but that it was a red flag came later.

I'm was upset about two things, that he bought a manual when we had the option of renting and buying elsewhere, and that he did it without consulting me. We always check with each other before big purchases!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 13:14

@rwalker

I'm not worried about that, I don't have job that needs travel thankfully 😂

OP posts:
MaxTalk · 22/09/2023 13:15

LTB

Original poster
Mamma13568 · 22/09/2023 13:23

Haha. Thanks all for your responses. I posted on the relationships board rather than AIBU, hoping to get some advice on how to feel less upset and resentful towards DH and accept the car, because we're stuck with it now. Many posters have been telling me off for not wanting to drive a manual and about how much better they are. A number of posters have been very empathetic and encouraging, either for manual or auto, so thank you.

We're going to live very rurally, so I'll find some quiet roads to practice with DH, but because of work, DC and the shortening days, he's really only going to be able to drive with me in the weekends. If I want to make the most of my time at home I'm going to have to pay for lessons, and I'll have another think about which to do.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 22/09/2023 13:25

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 12:16

From the OP: We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision.

So nothing was agreed.

Show quote history

The OP also said "I said if there was nothing to choose between the manual and automatic choices, get the automatic. As it was, the automatic had some red flags."

so yes. It was agreed. It wasn't "only buy an automatic" it was that an automatic should be bought if there was a choice.