Angry at DH about car

[Mamma13568]

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

Re: getting stressed driving a manual at roundabouts...

Don't immediately jump into expensive lessons. Spend a few weeks practicing coordinating feet/hands with your husband, on quiet / easy roads.

Once you feel confident coordinating your limbs, then use the spenny lessons to get difficult-road/roundabout savvy.

give it a shot, see how it goes, review in a year and sell the car if necessary.

driving a manual gives a bit more freedom - you’ll be able to go on peoples insurance and drive their manual cars, you’ll have more choice buying cars,

@marcopront at that stage he couldn't make up his mind up between gas, hybrid, or electric, small or SUV, what balance of mileage vs price, or even what balance of deposit vs monthly payments. We were not at the point of buying a car as far as I was aware when I said it! I was just stating my preference for an automatic if there was nothing to choose between two cars. I didn't know the automatic he ended up liking had a big red flag.

All a bit dramatic. There are months of delays in getting a date for a driving test.....and what if you fail then it'll be many more months.
Just learn to drive a manual car, its really not that difficult.

Just to add, DH wants an electric car ultimately save they're all automatics, but he couldn't find one her liked in budget and anyway we can't make it work in the home we're going to. So we'll probably go down that route eventually.

What were the red flags on the automatic?

Duplicate post

Thanks all. I told DH how I felt to some extent but he got so upset at making me unhappy and probably taking the shine off his new car, plus he is doing his big journey today and I didn't want to distract him from it with a prolonged argument.

I feel a bit better just writing it out and reading responses.

Choices were always going to be severely limited given you had a timescale of only a few weeks (you mention his big drive is today). The car industry is a bit of a mess at the moment, second hand cars are going for a premium as they are harder to get hold of. And with new cars it's not unusual to wait 3-6months.

Hey OP, I completely get how you feel about learning a manual car. I felt the same, plus I had zero interest in learning to drive.

Then I moved from London where a car wasn't necessary out to the countryside, and I quickly realised that driving was essential! I really wasn't confident that I'd get to grips with a manual so I took my test in an automatic.

That was in my late 20s, I'm now 47 and I still only have an automatic licence.

I'm autistic/ADHD and tbh, a manual car is just too much for my brain to process. Maybe now that driving is second nature I'd be able to learn to drive a manual bit honestly, I don't want to. My DP bought an automatic for his car so it means whatever car we're out in, we can share the driving if needed.

You could definitely start out with an automatic, and familiarise yourself with handling a car and being on the road. You could then switch to a manual later when you have to think less about the basics, as all you'd need to learn then would be changing gear.

It is more of a faff only having an automatic licence, but I've never regretted it. Driving is easy, no fussy gear changes, and no worrying about hill starts, or stalling the car etc. An automatic is also much easier for city driving - it's just like driving a go-kart! 😅

He shouldn't have made the decision without you.
But, finding an automatic in a limited price range is always going to be a big ask. Learning manual is tricky but once you get the hang it's easy. If he will be doing almost all the driving anyway it just doesn't make sense to hold our for an automatic that you might not find for a driving licence you may not get for quite some time.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you! I'm not diagnosed myself but I've suspected I might be autistic too, especially as my DC is very much so. I can juggle a lot of things, I'm so happy on a bike, but in a car, coordinating hands, feet and eyes, checking speed, mirrors, the road ahead, where everyone else is and the speed they are at, potential hazards, road signs... I know why everyone is saying manual is better, but wouldn't it be nice to have one less thing to do. 😅

I'm moving to a very rural area too. I'm scared of being stuck in a tiny village with no amenities and limited public transport so I need to just get on with it. Chatting here is helping me feel a bit better.

An automatic is also much easier for city driving - it's just like driving a go-kart!

That's all I really want out of driving! 😁

There was an issue with the automatic, it was down to two choices which you were aware off. You had next to no involvement, because you didn't want to, he made a choice and you don't like it. He didn't just go out and come home with a random car. You told him to make a choice, chose not to involve yourself, he did and you don't like it. Sorry that seems pretty unreasonable!!!

You need to be safe on the road. If you are going to struggle so badly, should you be driving at all?

Also I'm general automatics have more problems than manuals and if they go wrong, can be very expensive to fix.

Push yourself and learn a manual - he has done the right thing. You need to persevere and make it work, for everyone's sake. Including that of other road users.

As others have pointed out you are far better learning on a manual as you have a full licence that way and not limited to only automatics. It sounds more like you were a bit overwhelmed that the decision was made and thus you feel forced down a certain path. But in the long run that is much better as gives you choice.

As for what tourists/people who emigrate here do of they have a automatic licence they get a international licence in the UK which is valid for up to a year. After that they have to take a UK driving test if they want to drive a manual or they apply for a automatic only licence.

Consider doing 2 hour lessons as well gives you more time to build confidence

I don't think it is irrational, but it sounds like you didn't say 'I only want us to buy an automatic'?

If you were a bit vague, and he was in a rush, I can see how this happened.

He should have checked before buying IMO. Is the teamwork usually good between you?

Car rentals are also in short supply at the moment. My BF needed a three month rental earlier this year and a standard automatic golf was £1,500 a month. Had you checked cost and availability for your preferred rental option?

Are you moving to a big city or a tiny village by the way? You seem to be doing both?

I would persevere with manual. It does feel a lot to concentrate on at first but the more you practice it becomes muscle memory and you no longer even think about changing gear. You can take the lessons slowly and just stick to the basics for a bit longer before moving onto roundabouts etc.

Instead of giving up work entirely, can you work a few hours a week, specifically to pay for your own car?

I wonder if you would be able to find an instructor with an automatic car? Available driving instructors are as rare as hen's teeth where we live as it is. Make sure you get on waiting lists quickly, we had to wait 6 months for lessons with a manual. I think it was a little high handed to buy a car without it being a joint decision as its joint money. Can you afford a second car?

Are you in the U.K.?

Regardless of your preference for an automatic, ANY purchase of a “big item” like that should be discussed and both adults agree. The fact that you’ve told him you want an automatic and why only makes this worse. Yes he’s apologised, good, but I would insist on going ahead with my plan and he will just have to sell the damn thing in a year’s time and be on a look out for an automatic next year - that’s the only way he will learn from his mistake and hopefully this time he will even discuss “his” decision with you.

This argument no longer holds. I learnt on a manual decades ago but we will more rapidly move to automatic only cars now because all hybrid and electric are auto. There’s also a much bigger auto second hand market. I only drive auto now and have a cheap second hand car.