Angry at DH about car

[Mamma13568]

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

Thanks all. I told DH how I felt to some extent but he got so upset at making me unhappy and probably taking the shine off his new car,
dont do this. Don’t try to make him feel better for not having listened to you. People should feel upset when they realise they’ve been very inconsiderate and you should not jump to appease those feelings. You have a right to your feelings.
I don’t drive a manual, we have automatic cars. If Dh bought a manual he’d have to return it!

It reads like he did what he was told, there was a difference between them in that the automatic had issues, which you definitely wouldn't want to end up with. I think you are being rather dramatic over this and actually a little bit unkind to your dh, who did what you asked him and has tried to make a sensible and safe decision. With driving lessons you'll soon know how to use it, it really isn't that much different.

There's no problem with only driving automatics, if you can't get the hang of driving a manual then for lots of people it's more a choice of automatic or not driving. If you're confident with manuals then maybe you can't imagine how challenging it can be for others. I would feel as you do, OP. Perhaps after you've passed your test (as pp says, there can be a lengthy wait) he would consider selling it and getting an automatic.

I think you are overthinking.
Manual driving is not that difficult and you are still learning to drive.
You didn't take interest in looking to the cars.
Of the two models available the automatic wasn't the better. So your H got the better option. What did you expect to buy the worst one?

I see for your posts that you are very nervous about the full driving thing an kind of paying it with the car and the choice of car made.

I don't think the issue is for be like that.

Have you thought about his feelings too, he may not like driving a automatic and you did not effort in the car search etc.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I didn't learn to drive till I was 35 and I tried in a manual but it wasn't working out at all to the point of being dangerous. So I had automatic lessons and it was fantastic! We are a two car household and both cars are automatic as one is better for long journeys so we can share the driving.
I know they're more expensive to buy and my husband would much rather I had a manual license, but he understands and has accommodated without complaint.
I'd do your automatic test and get him to look out for an auto to trade your current car in for.
There's nothing like the freedom of being able to drive, good luck with it all.

It sounds like you have been dithering and one of you needed to make a decision. And it is better for you to learn in a manual. Overall, I don’t think this is too bad.

I only drive autos and everyone told me this but I have never found it to be an issue and I am 100% happy that I can only drive autos. Manuals are a waste of time and I didn’t get along with them either. If you only want to learn auto then do so and accept that you won’t have a car or ask dh to give you some additional lessons in the manual and give it a go again?

If you don't have a licence, how were you going to be insured on a rental car? Have I misunderstood - your third option doesn't seem like it was viable anyway?

Fwiw I passed my driving test in a manual and haven't driven once since (only automatics).

I'm a bit confused, further up the thread you said, We are about to move to a big city

Are you moving to a city and won't need the car or moving rurally and will need the car?

Regardless of your preference for an automatic, ANY purchase of a “big item” like that should be discussed and both adults agree.

I agree with this.

But I wonder how long he's been looking with no input from you and how conscious he was that he needs to do the big journey today and weather is changing so a cycle to work will be less pleasant.

I think he's made a fair and reasonable decision based on your "preference" for automatic.

There's a lot your putting on him - the car purchase research. all of the driving in the short term. Commute by bike. Paying ££££ for a rental car. Doing most of the driving even when you've passed your test.

But there's no doubt he should have run it by you to let you know he'd made the decision before confirming the purchase.

Everything about learning to drive can be difficult that’s part of the learning process

you just want to take the easy route and go auto rather than bother to learn

auto licence will limit you driving is a life skill tbh he’s done you a favour but not letting you have the easy route and you’ll have to get a full licence

I think he was way out of line to make such a big purchase without discussing it with you. Also the 'automatic had red flags' is irrelevant, he is acting as if there were only 2 cars in the world to choose from. The second hand car market is huge and automatic cars are not the rarity people seem to think they are.

Not only did he make the car purchase without running it past you at the final decision stage but he also completely ignored your wish for an automatic car.

I would be questioning whether or not he was just being selfish there or is it was a deliberate act to try and stall your attempt to drive, after all, if you can't drive the family car; what would be the point in lessons. I guess it depends on how the rest of your relationship is.

Automatic only licenses are not at all limiting these days.

Sheesh - you're overthinking it - if you had hassle in early manual lessons it was the instructor not you. Basically overloading you with things to do too early.

Re car purchase - the car was needed soon - if he'd come back and said 'narrowed it down to two - manual that needs new tyres and an auto that's clunking on gear change' what would you have said?

@Darhon This argument no longer holds. I learnt on a manual decades ago but we will more rapidly move to automatic only cars now because all hybrid and electric are auto. There’s also a much bigger auto second hand market. I only drive auto now and have a cheap second hand car.

This. DH strongly favoured electric but couldn't find one her liked with limited options so in time we're going to move to auto anyway.

Millions of people have learned to drive a manual car. It’s really not that difficult.

But for some people it is difficult, why is that so hard to understand?

I'm an automatic driver and honestly it's the worse thing I done, very limited on cars and more expensive. I have tried to learn as a manual driver and can't get insurance, even though i have 10 years driving experience. Cars are not as economic with fuel and yes electric cars are auto but simply out of my price range.

My driving test instructor said no one ever fails on gears during a test.

You need a car "urgently" and you left your DH to do all the research as you have no interest. He did all the research on the available cars and bought the one he thought was right. I don't think he did anything wrong.

@Mamma13568 my DS is autistic/dyspraxic. He got there. Don't give up!

I'd have auto lessons until you are confident, then do some manual ones. You'll soon know whether to go back to auto and wait for an auto car, or whether to push through for manual.

Does anyone know, if you have an auto license what's the position on having a provisional licence for a manual? I'm wondering if you could drive the manual with DH in the car as your legal driver, like when you're a learner.

You have not taken lessons, you have not passed your test (and test bookings are months in advance) and there is no guarantee you will pass your test first go. I would stop making a fuss and worry about driving a car when you have actually passed your test. In addition, there were two options, and you said take the automatic if it is the same as the manual. It was not, so he bought the manual - as per your instructions. So he did not buy a car a car "without you". He followed your instructions.

Wow - did you actually read what was written in the first post? She has not booked lessons, has not booked a test - do you have any idea how LONG you have to wait to do both of these things! Plus she AGREED that he would buy one car or the other and you are now guessing that the automatic was actually OK and he lied about it? Buy the car for the person driving it now, not in case someone MAY pass their test in several months time! The car can be sold and a new one purchased if necessary. It is not like a house - there are no costs to changing cars!

Changing tack slightly here. As you are really nervous about driving, find places that do off road lessons to start with. One of my sons booked into a farm, Colchester United’s car park and a car park at Lakeside. It really helped his confidence as he could concentrate on the gears and positioning the car without worrying about traffic.
Automatics are the future though!

With this in mind I question whether you should be driving anything, ever! If you can't concentrate on the many different aspects required to drive, you shouldn't be driving either an automatic or a manual. There's so much more to driving than just physically driving the car, such as taking in traffic around you, pedestrians, what lies ahead, road conditions etc. If all you can concentrate on is pressing the clutch and changing gear, I don't think driving is for you.

Harsh, I know, but realistic.

Getting the hang of gears/bite is difficult for lots of people. Gears or speed tend to be the two main things people struggle with. Lots of practice over time is how it’s resolved for almost everyone. As PP said, it becomes a muscle memory rather than something you consciously think through.

I drive an auto now but am glad I learned manually; I know I can drive anything.

Stick with it, OP. DH can take you out in the new car to a quiet place; it’s less pressure than formal driving lessons which might help.