Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

no, I can't be arsed with it all these days.

If I was younger and in saviour mode, sure I'd have loved it.

I'm not you though.

Having been there, no, I wouldn't. I want to be an equal in a relationship, not a crutch for both of us. I want to support but also be supported in return.

Mental health issues are extremely common and having suicidal thoughts but not acting on them is not that unusual.

I would be a lot more worried it seemed to be triggered by alcohol use.

I'm not sure you are a good match due to your previous experiences and what that means you bring to a new relationship. No judgement, been there myself. It sounds like your getting Amber flags at least and want someone else's permission to walk. But you're allowed to decide that for yourself

Not sure what the answer is, sorry, but at least try to avoid hurting him.

My partner has long term clinical depression and anxiety, managed with medication for the last 20 years.
It's never a burden, he looks after m himself and manages it well.
If would depend for me on how it js managed.

I think maybe if I hadn’t dealt with it before I would be more open to it but because I know what’s involved I’m reluctant. He seems like he’s in a good place now and very open and easy to talk to. It feels a bit cruel to shut him down due to this which is why I thought discussing on here might give me clarity.

It varies so much. My ex had serious mental illness but didn't/couldn't recognise or respond responsibly, so him, no. My dear brother though who's had bouts of depression, self aware, committed to doing all the right things - yes.

1 in 4 people have a mental health problem so it's pretty common. If you don't continue with him and find someone without mental health problems there's nothing to say they wouldn't develop them in the future.

This is what I’m debating too. Like you say, it’s very common and who’s to say I won’t meet someone else with the same issue but who hides it at first? Or someone who develops them later on. Such a tricky one.

I think a lot depends on boundaries. I think it can work if they hold good boundaries for themselves and see their mh as their responsibility and actively work to protect it. And if you are able to hold strong personal boundaries and keep in sight that their mh is not your responsibility and you're there to be an equal partner and not a carer. That can be easier said than done especially if someone has long periods where they feel good but struggle to manage stress. My worry would mainly be if they will be in a good enough place to support you if times get hard and as a couple you're both under a lot of pressure. Would they pull together with you or crumble and leave you holding it all. But I'm not sure how you know that in advance. I think all you can do is really soul search and see how you would handle that, would you be able to walk away if you needed to even if you really cared about them? How much do you rely on a partner when you're having a hard day etc?

Thanks very much. I have mental health issues. Didn't know that meant I was the "bottom of the barrel". How fucking offensive to anyone with mental health issues.

Thanks everyone. I think I might meet up with him and go from there. Hopefully will be able to gauge it more face to face.

Absolutely I would , we all experience MH at some point

Nope.

Yes.

I’d rather date a funny, clever guy who had probs than a twat no matter how sane he was.

But no to drink and drugs - much different, much nastier.

@DisenchantedOwl
Yeah sorry to cause offence, not the intention just being honest.

Same as physical illness though. When it comes to dating why would I pick this one who can't walk whereas that one can etc.

I just don't need the additional layer of complication.

The previous alcohol dependency would be the bigger problem, and I would avoid.

Disenchanted - a little bit rude, love.

For me the bottom of the barrel is a dim
bigot. Funny, that.

Who doesn't have mental health issues at one point or other?!

Loads of my friends and family have and I know brilliant, interesting, articulate, intelligent people.

We are not 'bottom of the barrel' thanks.

Absolutely.

Indeed.

I also find that people who look down on people with mental health issues often have plenty of their own but aren't self aware enough to recognise them and don't have the smarts to work on them.

Wow!!! What a nasty piece of work you are!

How fucking offensive can you be!

I have physical health problems

I have mental Heath problems

I have had cancer

I'm not the bottom of the ducking barrel thank you!!!

I have reported your vile post

I think it really would depend on the person and how it affects them for me… and also how much we got on and I liked them!

If I'd fell for them first (eg: we worked together and feelings developed) then yeah maybe.

But just as in online dating, and they tell you they have had mental healthy issues? No. Like, if I know someone might be hard work (even through no fault of their own) straight off the bat, then I don't want to get involved. Depression can be pretty damn catchy when you are around someone suffering from it. And I value my own mental health above a stranger.

It's an unnecessary risk.