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Original poster

Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

199 replies

Dottheeye · 19/09/2023 23:28

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

OP posts:
Muchonachomiamigo · 20/09/2023 21:33

@threecupsofteaminimum I haven't mentioned any mental illnesses at all. You have no clue what I have been through.

If choosing not to be in a relationship with anyone with mental health issues makes me ableist, then fine. I'm not a rehab centre.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 21:41

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 20:55

I could have written this, I too have mental and physical health issues and am the wrong side of forty. I guess I'm consigned to the don't touch with a barge-pole heap too.

I'm so sad and disappointed at these comments. What a horrible bunch of attitudes.

Show quote history

Why is it considered a ‘horrible bunch of attitudes’ because people don’t want to take on the burden of your mental health issues?

Why would people actively make their lives harder when they don’t have too…

Kendodd · 20/09/2023 21:48

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 20:55

I could have written this, I too have mental and physical health issues and am the wrong side of forty. I guess I'm consigned to the don't touch with a barge-pole heap too.

I'm so sad and disappointed at these comments. What a horrible bunch of attitudes.

Show quote history

Nobody owes anyone else the chance of a relationship with them and people can set whatever wish list they want or don't want in a partner. In fact I would be very surprised if you didn't have a 'type' you wouldn't date yourself.

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 22:02

Hermittrismegistus · 20/09/2023 21:21

I have bipolar and I certainly wouldn't date someone with any mental health issue or illness. Why make life harder than it needs to be, especially if you want children?

I also don't like this idea that relationships must be some type of equal opportunity thing. I find it quite creepy and coercive.

💯

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/09/2023 22:03

threecupsofteaminimum

id date you 😊

but joking aside the world is FULL of people
with mental health problems of various types

It’s fine if people have boundaries and maybe get a bit hoity toity on this thread …

but it’s not universal , and fragmented
mental health is 😊

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 22:07

HateLongCovid · 20/09/2023 21:12

@threecupsofteaminimum . Like I said we're just more intelligent!

🥰

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 22:08

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/09/2023 22:03

threecupsofteaminimum

id date you 😊

but joking aside the world is FULL of people
with mental health problems of various types

It’s fine if people have boundaries and maybe get a bit hoity toity on this thread …

but it’s not universal , and fragmented
mental health is 😊

💯

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 22:10

Years ago, possibly. I would have felt like I could help with positivity and support.

Now, no chance; life is hard enough.

Personal preferences in dating isn’t bigotry. It’s just that, a preference.

MariaVT65 · 20/09/2023 22:18

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through all of this, that must be horrendous. But as I said, some of us feel the way we do about dating people with MH issues because we have been on the receiving end of the shit by those people.

frizzyhairgal · 20/09/2023 22:19

I understand what you are saying OP. I have dated someone with mental health issues and it wasn't easy.

However just because someone suffered with mental health problems a few years ago does that mean they have underlying mental health problems? That term is usually used for people with a chronic mental illness. Maybe the person you are considering dating has moved on.

I'm not criticising by the way and hope you make the right choice.

Kendodd · 20/09/2023 22:25

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

and I feel for you, I really do, you've been dealt a terrible hand in life. Nobody owes you a relationship though, or a date, regardless of why you have the problems you do. People are free to choose not to date anyone they want, for whatever reason.

PaintedEgg · 20/09/2023 22:25

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

i don't think i understand your point - nobody is blaming people with either mental health or physical issues for their conditions. They're just saying they would not want to be in relationship with these people for various reasons

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 22:25

I think the discussion has been derailed somewhat with confusion and blurred lines between mental illness, temporary mental health issues and other disparities.

threecupsofteaminimum · 20/09/2023 22:27

I do not think I am 'owed' anything either. I've never even come close to such a notion.

Ladyj84 · 20/09/2023 22:41

First mental health issues cover a massive range as to how bad so you can base it on that. In all fairness even the fittest healthiest person will still suffer bad days moods lol. Second mental health is so common and not talked about the chances of meeting someone with it is fairly high

Lizzyinatizzy · 20/09/2023 22:45

I probably wouldn’t.
DH has had bouts of severe MH issues and it’s honestly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. I love him and I have no plan to leave but it has honestly taken me to the very edge of my strength to be able to support him through it. My own MH was almost broken too.
I obviously don’t blame him and he has suffered way more than I ever have, but I would not want this for any of the women in my life.

Lsurawsura · 20/09/2023 22:51

Agreed, that there's a world of difference between dating a person with narcissistic personality disorder or substance abuse disorder and someone actively working on treating their depression or anxiety. Also 1/4 have mental health at any one time. Then other people have chronic disabilities. Other people are carers etc. If, as you get older, you ONLY want someone who enhances your life - not realising relationships are give and take - I think you're going to be let down. It's good to have boundaries, but some of these answers just seem shortsighted. You could be missing something great.

ImaginingDragonz · 20/09/2023 22:54

I'm dating someone who had a full breakdown, was sectioned, hiss suicidal thoughts and is still in therapy and on meds. He is wonderful and is actively seeking help from professionals to get better. I've had my own struggles in the past with MH...it's very common. We support each other and have lots of fun together. I would only discount someone with MH issues if they were not doing anything to try to recover/manage their condition. Anyone can have MH issues at any point in their life.

BreadInCaptivity · 20/09/2023 22:55

I think it's an impossible question to answer.

MH covers a massive array of conditions that vary considerably in severity and treatment options.

We also need to consider if MH concerns were triggered by a specific event/circumstance/trauma or are a lifelong disorder.

This combined which the variables of how a person manages (or fails to manage) their MH in respect of engagement with positive medical/therapeutic/lifestyle interventions and the stage of treatment they are in results in a "dating proposition" that is utterly unique.

Like some posters have already said I think a blanket "no" is actually quite a prejudicial and inflammatory stance.

Poor MH impacts far more people than many realise. If you want to restrict your dating pool by roughly 25% then its probably your loss in the same way you might refuse to date a person with naturally blond hair.

That said we all have a right to self agency about who we enter a relationship with and need to consider our own resilience.

So are there some people where my answer would be to back off? Absolutely yes (and in some cases that might be more about protecting my MH/wellbeing).

Equally there would people where I'd have no concerns about dating whatsoever.

QueenBitch666 · 20/09/2023 23:23

I think it depends on the severity of the MH issues. I've suffered from anxiety related issues myself so I can totally emphasise with anyone experiencing the same MH issues. I've also heard that 1 in 3 suffer to varying degrees? ( I'm happy to be corrected on that number )
I'd personally say give it a shot but I'd be getting out ( quickly ) at the first signs of his MH impacting on your relationship

NewbieSM · 21/09/2023 00:37

Oh this is a difficult question there is no one size fits all approach it depends on so many different factors and there is a lot of nuance to mental health issues.

My husband has chronic anxiety and depression and is also diagnosed with bpd alongside hydrocephalus (a brain condition, needing a shunt). I love him more than anything and do everything I can to support him but I would be lying if I said it doesn't negatively impact my own mental health.

If I had my time again honestly no I probably wouldn't have continued a relationship with him knowing what I know now. There have been so many nights having to talk him down from the ledge, dealing with self harm, suicidal ideation, manic and depressive periods, panic attacks, gambling and drug use episodes and 4 life threatening surgeries. None of this is his fault, he takes medication, attends therapy etc but fuck it's so hard being the one who has to constantly hold it together. I'm always on edge waiting for the next thing that triggers another episode and it grinds me down.

That being said not everyone who experiences mental health issues has the same journey. Only you can decide whether you want to take on that risk.

Pleaseme · 21/09/2023 00:57

I don't think I could, when I was a teenager a close family member was sectioned and it was really hard to deal with. They were in and out for six years before they just died. It wasn't a drugs overdose (although they were taking drugs) very much an it's the mileage not the years.

I'm sure most peoples dont have that level of mental health issue, but it can spiral. It's not something I'd put myself through again for anyone other than a dc.

RantyAnty · 21/09/2023 01:00

No I wouldn't.

Men tend to expect a lot of caretaking from women.

They're not keen on therapy, going to the doctor, or being compliant with medication, minimize their problems.

paisley256 · 21/09/2023 01:02

No not nowadays.