Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

But the vast majority of mental health problems aren't schizophrenia!

Having said that, given your experience, I understand why you would be wary.

Wouldn’t be taking the risk. I didn’t know he had it when we got together he said he suffered from depression, wouldn’t hang around to take the risk.

Given your history, I'd be very careful.

What was your role in the last relationship? Were you in-house psychiatric support, mummy and housekeeper rolled into one? I was and I knew if I ended up with someone new who had MH struggles I'd just slip straight back into that role again and it would all play out as before. It was a hideous co-dependent hole.

Now I'm with someone who tells me off if I try to look after him too much. I get told off a lot 😏 It's a much healthier dynamic.

The previous alcohol issues are more worrying, I think.

Honestly, I'd pass. I have lived in the shadow of someone else's alcoholism and mental health issues. It was miserable for me. Everything was about them.

There is so much talk about mental health these days, but the effects on families and children are almost never mentioned. I know that's going to upset and/or enrage people who have mental health problems and I'll be accused of 'ableism' but unfortunately it often puts enormous strain on those around them.

I’ve dated someone with quite serious MH and it was very draining because they didn’t do the things they needed to do consistently to manage it. I’ve also had MH issues of my own and I work extremely hard to ensure they are managed. So i’d be on the fence as I see both sides to it. It’s quite annoying to support someone who is not managing their condition when you are spending a lot of time managing your own. Equally, I understand how hard it can be and the stigma. So it all depends really on what sort of support they already have and how it impacts them.

As an example - if someone needs to have a chat here and there that’s fine. If they’d like advice then fine. If they need to take a day or two to just hermit and manage their MH - all fine with me. I sometimes need the same.

However, if they centralise their MH in the relationship that’s not for me. I.e it all hinges around their condition and what they want and need each day. MH issues are a sad fact of life but it can easily become the entire focus and that’s draining.

I’d expect anyone I dated who told me they had an issue to be clear about what they do to manage it and be willing to take things slowly for all those reasons. And if anyone I dated was concerned about mine i’d be very open as well about what I do to manage and what impact, if any, it might have on things like my communication for example.

Probably ableist of me but no.

Im not a very patient person, I’m very much a suck it up and get on with things type and my patience for anxious people is very low. I know that is awful to say but I really do find it exhausting to have to gee people up and constantly reassure them.

He did not know he had it when we got together neither did I, it started after our youngest child was born and no he refused all help and wouldn’t accept it, he has been sectioned many times and I’ve had the police here over him. As far as I am aware he is now medicated but it had been going on for years before he accepted it and he now has injections but i don’t more than that as he doesn’t bother with the children.

Just to elaborate - for me, sometimes I need to take a couple of days where I rest and am quiet and can reset if i’ve exhausted myself. I’m happy to communicate that and I try and plan that so it doesn’t impact the other person- for example i’d not suddenly cancel a long-planned date night or anything, but i’d maybe gives a heads up that i’d need a day or two of low to no communication so I can just rest. I’d hope that was a decent enough compromise.

I’m also happy to discuss my past if needs be and what’s happened in my life, however if I need to DISCUSS it discuss it (as in go into the emotions or whatever), that’s for me and a therapist. If there’s a disagreement and it’s too heated I might need half an hour to pause and calm myself before continuing the discussion.

These are the sorts of things I think are reasonable - as opposed to say situations like for example we can never argue because it hits off someone’s anxiety or they will cancel things last minute or spend all of our time together ruminating on their past or going over the same problems with no plans to actually DO anything about it.

I have a severe mental health disability myself (bipolar) but I wouldn't really want to date someone with MH problems because I put up with enough moodiness from my dad growing up.

But if the person has been ok for a few years and you're otherwise into them, I'd give them a chance.

It's very easy to get trapped in such a relationship, though.

One person with mental health issues is completely individual than the next person so I cannot see how it can be useful to let a negative experience with an ex put you off someone who sounds like a good potential partner
I would make a decision based on his personality and how he manages his mental health not if he has or ever has had a problem
Interestingly would you feel the same about a potential partner with physical health problems or a disability or is it just mental health that puts you off?

depends on nature of the issue and how it is being managed

However, from the perspective of someone who has anxiety disorder (and bouts of depression) - I'd say don't, unless you know you're ok with it. Even best managed illness, whether psychological or physical, has impact on everyday life. The worst thing one can do, both for themself and their potential partner, is take on more than they can handle.

Interestingly would you feel the same about a potential partner with physical health problems or a disability or is it just mental health that puts you off?

People compare them but it's not really the same. Mental health appears to be part of a person's character (though of course it theoretically isn't) in a way that a health problem of physical origin doesn't.

Even though I'm not often 'mentally ill' maybe, it happens often enough (despite all the help in the world) that someone would have to accept it as part of the package probably if they wanted to be with me.

No. Can't be arsed. And definitely not someone with alcohol issues. I only want low maintenance people around me now, but then I am old and have had enough of high maintenance.

Oh, also no one with suicidal thoughts. Too exhausting. Life is hard enough

No it wouldn't put me off as long as they were managing it, aware of it and seeking to take care of themselves.

Well, we can only hope.

If I was young and wanted children , any man with long term bad mental health conditions would be a "no" . Whether or not he was compliant to medication wouldn't matter. I just wouldn't go out of my way to have any children of mine getting a mental health condition via heritage. Plus I just wouldn't want the burden at such an inexperienced age. I think that women should be ruthless in seeking equity and equality in partnerships as men are towards long term female partners when the woman becomes ill. Not taking up with the mentally ill shouldn't be shamed.
For example:
If a man is bipolar/becomes bipolar mid relationship.....I'll be Shelly Ann Fraser- Pricing out of there. Too much shoe dropping or waiting for the shoe to drop and comorbidity with personality disorders in men with this condition my experience looking from the outside.

A self aware, smart, adherent to medication, doesn't use women as a distraction from reality man with depression who doesn't " self medicate" and has friends ,long term housing and can hold down a job, I 'd very much consider after ascertaining valley to trough ratio.
But I'm up in age and have the toughness and iron clad boundaries that come with taking advantage of learning from other women's mistakes when it comes to playing Mother Courage and know that I am not prepared for even my own child to bring me down to gravel and beyond.
That may not be a popular view of a mother's view of herself on here .

This makes me a bit sad as someone who is currently going through a breakdown. Mental health issues are common and nothing to be ashamed of...

However if you know this is not something you could cope with it is better to be honest with yourself and with the other person and not to pursue anything further.

Doesn’t everyone have MH issues of some nature

I don't think they are something to be ashamed of. But I can't cope with them. I find people with anxiety- especially social anxiety- very draining, and I mostly just want to say " get a grip". Which is clearly not what they need. So it's better they find more nurturing partners.

It’s not ableist to know you can’t cope with certain things in a relationship IMO.

PP have mentioned physical disability but that is something some may have a problem with too.

Many wheelchairs used would say their dating options are more limited than if they didn’t have one. Not everyone would like to date someone with a physical disability.

And to some extent that is understandable. I was talking to a guy once who couldn’t walk without crutches, I suspect he’d need a wheelchair at some point too. I didn’t take it further for a whole host of reasons but this probably played a part.

Of course anything can happen to a partners health and mobility during a marriage and you can turn into their carer effectively but it’s not a situation I personally would choose to walk into from the outset if I wasn’t already in love with someone.

It’s ok to say someone isn’t for you and also to be respectful and appreciate they still have value and there is someone else out there for them too.

Society often expects this more from woman which is why far more men leave women during any kind of illness than the other way around.

I agree that there’s very different scenarios and levels of mental health and the one that makes me worried is getting involved with someone who needs constant support and motivation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with considering your own mental health first especially over someone you have no commitment to. I think it’s different if someone has bouts where they need your support but in my previous relationship I definitely felt like I gave all the emotional support and it consumed me. I didn’t know they had the issues they did when I started dating them as to the outside world they were totally different. I think the truth only comes out sometimes when you live with someone as you can’t hide it 24/7. And that’s what worries me. It’s like if someone has been a carer for someone for years. Would they want to go into another relationship knowing they would be a carer again right from the start? People who have had kids and they are all grown up decide to not date someone with younger kids as they don’t want to go through those years again. Many people choose not to date someone for many reasons. It doesn’t make anyone undateable, as this thread has shown some people would some people wouldn’t. I guess we all have to decide ourselves what we are capable of taking on before we struggle ourselves. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness though and I think I will meet up with this guy and go from there. I appreciate everyone’s insight thank you.

This !

My husband had bouts of depression when young. He was fine when we met. He was fine for 7 or 8 years and then it came back with a vengeance. He just can´t get better, we are in a black hole where I do everything including bringing money home and doing the work of raising our child. I am soooooooooooooooooo fed up. I want an equal partner not one out of work most of the time because he works slow or cannot get out of bed etc etc. He as medication, psychologists, psychiatrist yadda yadda and we have been in a rut for 5 years. It is affecting us economically and pshychologically. It is shit. Wouldn´t wish it on anyone.

Everyone does not have mental health issues. I do not. I have been very sad at certain times of my life- mostly when I had a newborn- but I got out of bed and went about my daily life. Nobody had to carry me or act as my emotional support animal. Too often, I find women doing that for their husbands.