Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

@Lsurawsura

" If, as you get older, you ONLY want someone who enhances your life - not realising relationships are give and take - I think you're going to be let down."

So... you are telling women they should date someone who does NOT enhance their lives? Relationships are give and take, but realistically, who on earth would want a relationship in which the balance does not mean an enhancement to their lives? You have set you bar so low that you may as well announce you want to be the dating world's biggerst doormat. If that's how you tick, then good luck, but I have better self-esteem than that, thank you.

I am much happier single than dating someone who does not enhance my life.

My experiences with mentally ill friends have not been good. Obviously not all MH people are like this, but many are, and it's hard to tell in advance.

One decided to go off her meds and yell at me constantly, then apologise, then yell, then apologise, so I broke it off.

One has suicidal ideation, and keeps trying to kill herself despite being on meds. I have distanced myself, because I am not qualified to be a rehab centre, and it's frankly draining to constantly get messages about how she wants to kill herself.

One has severe health anxiety, and constantly needs me to take her to A and E at 3 am, because she thinks she is having a heart attack. I am still her friend, but I have politely refused to take her, and luckily she now lives in a different city. I now don't travel with her, and only meet for a meal.

All these women are successful professional women presenting as "fine", have access to treatment, but are still quite hard work behind closed doors, even when I only see them once a month or so. I don't want someone I see daily to be hard work.

I have and will date diabetics though. In fact, DH is one, but he controls his diabetes, and is not nearly as hard work.

My thoughts:

-The OP is perfectly entitled to say she knows she could not cope with dating someone who has mental health issues. After all it is also fairer for this man not to have a relationship with someone who wouldn't be able to stick around and be supportive if he was to relapse...

-What is totally unacceptable though is the amount of ignorant and offensive comments that are being posted about people with mental heal issues in general and their character. No wonder there is still a stigma and that some people suffer in silence rather than seek help...

-People with mental health issues are not weak or self-centred or automatically a burden...it really is incredibly offensive to say these things. Mental illness is just that, an illness, nobody chooses to be or enjoys being mentally ill. Most people want to get better and live a decent life, like everyone else

-It takes an incredible amount of resilience to come back from depression, suicidal thoughts and so on and to seek help from support services

-Some people will develop mental health issues after trauma (violence in the home, abuse). Again how despicable to suggest that they might be ''the bottom of the barrel'' or ''anxious over thinkers'' simply because of something that was done to them and that caused understandable trauma.

Many well known figures had depression: Churchill, Lincoln, Hemingway and S Freud. But hey I assume they would be seen as 'burdens' and better avoided by some of the people commenting on this thread...

I would throw in another angle to look at - why would I want someone to "give me a chance" despite my mental health? I have anxiety, I'm not a broken toy or some sort of fixer-upper project.

I know what I've got to offer and if I was single (and when I was single) I didn't feel like I had limited dating opportunities - one person wouldn't date me because of anxiety, another wouldn't date me because they may not like my face. Why would I want either of them?

Yeah, I absolutely would not date Churchill, Hemingway or Freud. Why is that offensive? I am not interested in brilliant, brooding men who are hard work. I am also not interested in other people's resilience or the trauma they have had. I would rather not take all that on, to be honest. There are lots of other people who clearly would. And yes, some people are anxious overthinkers. My friend has had zero trauma- I know her very well- and yet has health anxiety.

What is offensive is telling people whom to date and whom to be attracted to.

I would throw in another angle to look at - why would I want someone to "give me a chance" despite my mental health? I have anxiety, I'm not a broken toy or some sort of fixer-upper project.

I know what I've got to offer and if I was single (and when I was single) I didn't feel like I had limited dating opportunities - one person wouldn't date me because of anxiety, another wouldn't date me because they may not like my face. Why would I want either of them?

This is such a good point. There are people out there who have no MH issues ( that they admit to anyway) yet come with far more problems than someone who has acknowledged their MH struggles. I wouldn't date anyone who was narrow minded and judgmental, so each to their own

If Dh and I broke up or he died, I would also not date anyone with children as I have zero interest in being a stepmother. It may not be the fault of anyone I meet who has children. But they are still not right for me. And I would be fine with men not taking on my children either.

To phrase it better than I did upthread: I am sorry for other people's trauma, but I am not keen on taking it on. It's a job in itself, and I have a job already. Just like I am not going to take on anyone else's DC.

I agree and resonate with all your posts. Especially having had experience of someone sending me messages about wanting to kill themself (and then eventually did). I would avoid anyone with a history of this in the future.

We all have the right to date based on our own experiences and priorities. I for example, would also not date anyone religious, anyone who is obese, or anyone in the army/RAF/Navy etc.

I personally wouldn't. But that is because long term ex had severe MH issues which they ignored. It was ten years of hell which almost caused me to have MH issues.

Unfortunately I know I am that person who wants to "fix" everyone, and will dance around juggling everything to help them. That doesn't help and it would be devastating to me and my children.

I was that naïve person who thought if I could take on all the worries, all the practical and mental load that my partner would be able to just take care of themselves.

@Marblessolveeverything a few of my friends have married brilliant, intelligent, sexy men who have MH issues, and yes. it's very common for women to want to fix everything and spend the rest of their lives playing therapist at a cost to themselves. As the various Mrs Hemingways found out.

Definitely no. Having been the partner of someone with bad mental issues, I'd never go there again. I like having a good balance in relationships . My precious relationship was highly imbalanced and it caused me endless pain . I don't want to go there again.

It is sad to see so much lack of empathy directed towards people who may have had, even a mild, MH related problem at some time in their lives. Especially as a high proportion of people will experience some form of MH related issue at some point.

Of course everybody is free to date or not date whomever they choose and for whatever reasons they wish, but to characterise anyone that has ever had a MH issue as a permanent burden and dragging everyone else around them down is just not the case.

It’s no wonder that some people that have had these issues still feel some stigma and shame attached to admitting to an MH related issue. A lot has been achieved recently in removing the stigma but it seems that we still have some way to go.

But someone can have mental health problems and it not be a 'job'. Some men and women have these issues, work to combat them and still have qualities which are lovely in relationships. You can have depression and also be funny and kind and clever etc. I understand why people would be reluctant to date in certain scenarios (I think hooking up with someone with a substance abuse problem, which is a mental illness, isn't for me) but I would never define someone by their mental - or physical - health. I would be more concerned about dating someone who was so resolute in refusing to date someone who who suffered illnesses. Does it mean they're going to bolt at the first sign of hardship? That would worry me.
I say that as someone who is not depressed and not naive to dating someone with mental illnesses.
I wouldn't date Churchill etc though. But that's because they're dead. And I draw the line at a corpse.

I wouldn't date Churchill because he was a war criminal.

''@Lentilweaver

Yeah, I absolutely would not date Churchill, Hemingway or Freud. Why is that offensive? I am not interested in brilliant, brooding men who are hard work. I am also not interested in other people's resilience or the trauma they have had. I would rather not take all that on, to be honest. There are lots of other people who clearly would. And yes, some people are anxious overthinkers. My friend has had zero trauma- I know her very well- and yet has health anxiety.
What is offensive is telling people whom to date and whom to be attracted to.''

You purposely failing to grasp what my post was about.

I clearly stated that people are perfectly entitled to not want to date someone with mental health issues.

But what is not acceptable is some people suggesting that if you have a mental health issue you are automatically some kind of sub-human who will always be a burden on others.

I actually feel sorry for your friends and anyone you might considering how judgemental and totally lacking in empathy you come across..

''@Lentilweaver · Yesterday 20:45

I wouldn't date Churchill because he was a war criminal.''

T
hat's your opinion. He is probably one of the main reasons that you are not speaking German right now and that you live in a free country, but hey...

Actually he is one of the main reasons my ancestors died miserably in a famine. Not all of us are white British, you know. You really should read some alternative history from the point of view of the losers.

And yes, it is my opinion. Everything we state here are our opinions. Every single woman on here who has dated someone with mental issues has said she regretted it. Nobody said anything about being sub-human.

Well it depends what the matter is/was because there's a big difference between someone going through a bad patch which happens to most at some period in their lives, as compared to a serious full blown mental illness that needs treatment and medication.

Having read @Lentilweaver ’s posts and some of the things she has encountered with friends with MH issues, such as constantly receiving suicidal messages, I can completely empathise with how much of an effect this can have on the recipient as I also went through this with someone for years. So I think you are being incredibly harsh when you say she is judgemental and lacking in empathy. Please don’t underestimate people’s decisions based on their own previous experiences.

The issue is some of us have walked that path and know in certain cases that even when you do everything and engage with all available services, it is a nightmare. It is like being tied to a drowning person without the ability to swim.

I have done the suicide watch, the sectioning, having the person go missing waiting to view bodies at morgue, been emotionally and mentally abused due to the conditions of a person.

I have had the doctors basically hand over responsibility of someones MH to you telling you how great you are while you hold together your partner, yourself, your kids, oh and a full time job full time responsibility for the children and everything else.

Throw in the absolute turmoil MH brings financially, as you have to maintain a job where you can drop everything. The mental load of having everything and I mean absolutely everything on you. You can't be sick, struggle to maintain friendships as you hide the impact as the world sees the mask the person with MH wears and not the truth behind closed doors.

While yes everyone should be aware and emphatic to MH. I would not put myself in that position again. Quite simply I matter too.

@Lentilweaver I completely understand your comments.

My exH had GAD, Health Anxiety and Depression. My ex boyfriend had PTSD and anxiety / depression. The rule before entering the dating pool this time was "no-one with mental health issues". I realise I may rule out a few good'uns with this rule but I also definitely rule out those with issues I don't want to deal with. Has worked for me and the current boyfriend has no mental health issues and not having to deal with other peoples problems is a refreshing change.

It's up to you but it is no longer for me. I'd rather be single than deal with someone else's problems long term.

Having almost being broken by living with someone with fairly significant MH issues for many years, I wouldn't knowingly walk into a relationship like that again.

I know that anyone can develop MH issues.
I would happily care for (and have done) my loved ones with MH issues.
I'm disgusted that someone has posted that people with MH issues are 'the bottom of the barrel'. They are not.

But I do know that I don't have the resilience to deal with a significant and longterm MH issue. It;s taken me a long time to recover and to do so again wouldn't be good for me or for the other person.

If someone I was already with developed such an issue then I would do my utmost for them. But I wouldn't walk into a situation where it was pretty much a certainty. That would be foolish given my history.

It's like the Op said - it's fine to say 'I've raised my children, I wouldn't date someone with small ones'. Or 'I've lived with an alcoholic, I'm not risking that again'. We have to know our own limits, for our own sake and the people we might pair up with.

There's surely a difference between "has mental health issues" and "has ever previously had mental health issues".

The first I get why people may want to swerve, but a blanket "No" on anyone who had previously had mental health issues (which is what the OP is asking) would be ruling someone out because they had a brief period of anxiety 20 years ago seems unnecessary and excessive... even if it's ultimately the right of anyone to date who ever they wish.

Am I right in thinking you haven't actually met in person yet? If so, then no, I wouldn't want to date this guy. Disclosing such an intimate health detail before even a first date would make me think his illness is ongoing and poorly controlled (so he needs to warn me upfront). Or possibly, that he's saying this to get my sympathy and give me a motive to excuse poor behaviour from him.

Either way I wouldn't be keen in this specific situation.