Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

As someone who has fairly significant mental health 'issues' and physical illness to boot, I do find the discussions of being in relationships with people like myself (oh I'm old too by the way - so there's another black mark) to be totally offensive. Oh I think I will go shopping for a new partner. Now I'm not going to accept one who has any degree of depression, has suicidal ideation at times. We can cast to one side those who have ME/CFS, diabetes, cancer and so forth. All of that is going to make my life so much more difficult and that would never do would it?!
Ffs! Whatever happened to just getting to know someone for their own intrinsic value? Seeing if there was any chemistry and possible shared values and beliefs? Developing a friendship before falling into bed with them (and yes of course I've made that mistake too)
The attitude to mental illness especially though of a proportion of mumsnetters leaves much to be desired. In my own case I had a bad childhood where I was clearly not valued and loved 'properly' by my parents. I never fitted into the family very well. My attachment to them was not secure. Now yes I do experience chronic anxiety and depression as a result. I can also dissociate and am told I also have emotional dysregulation when feeling overwhelmed by life. That happens a bit more at my life stage. Does all of that put me on the raggy doll reject pile?! I guess it does - but I don't sulk. I just worry and I don't flare into a temper tantrum as so many 'normals' seem to do.
I think the time has come for all this discrimination against mentally unwell individuals to stop on here. It is not nice and it is not necessary.

That's disgusting.

it's absolutely fine to not wasn't to date someone for any reason at all including their mental health struggles. But to describe them as the bottom of the barrel isn't ok at all.

Nope

Oh hell no.

Eloquently stated ❤️ and agree 100%

I've been suicidal before but I'm pretty normal in day to day life! I'm quite a happy person in general really. I think if anything, being that low has made me have a much bigger appreciation for the good things in life.

So I wouldn't write someone off because they'd had a period of depression. Actually, I'd likely prefer it because I think they'd be more down to earth.

That said, if it was addiction or any active personality disorder or condition that made them behave poorly towards others, I would rather not have that in my life. In my experience, those people don't change.

Yes I would but then I have bipolar disorder myself.

I’d love to know how you’re so confident you will never have any mental health issues of your own OP?!

Having said that I definitely think it’s something to take into consideration and I like what others have said about someone’s boundaries and attitude towards their illness (which may be a former illness now cured of course). I think it’s reassuring that he has made these positive life changes and in some ways he may therefore actually be more resilient against future mental health problems than someone who hasn’t had that past experience. Although I can also see that some people are more prone to poor mental health or recurrent such problems. I agree with others if alcohol was an issue before that would probably worry me more.

However it’s very clear that many people wouldn’t dream of dating someone with my diagnosis - so much for all of the lip service paid on social media to it being good to talk about mental health eh?! It’s clear we should all bury it deeply and never speak of it to anyone for fear of being judged as “bottom of the barrel”….

Fortunately I have other good qualities. Totally agree with the pp who said it would be nice if we all interacted with each other more as human beings and not models of potential future partner that you can go shopping for and decide against if “defective”.

It’s reasonable to think carefully about this OP. But in your shoes I would give him a chance.

I wouldn’t. While experiencing poor mental health at times is common, being suicidal is less so. And seeing a friend try to survive the completely unexpected and harrowing suicide of her husband, who had only experienced suicidal thoughts many years before and been seemingly well since, would mean I would no knowingly put myself into a position like that.

I had a long relationship with a DP with depression... almost destroyed me.

I dated someone with anxiety for 2 months... left before he drove me mad.

I won't go there again, and to be honest, I could not care less whether anyone found this statement offensive. It's my life and my decision, and I can rule out absolutely anyone for any reason I want, I date whomever I choose. As shown on this thread, there are plenty of people who would date someone with mental health issues, so they will have plenty of choice anyway. Just not me.

Yes, anyone can develop MH issues, but I won't take a certainty.

Genuinely no. When I was younger and optimistic I probably would have thinking I could be their rock support them if needed. Now I don't want to. I have enough of my own stuff to deal with

DP's MH has impacted and permeated every area of our lives for 20+ years. He has periodically suffered from depression with suicidal ideation and anxiety. He has once attempted suicide. Despite being carefully managed with self-care (as a HCP he has good habits), periods of therapy and / or medication, part of the management has always been about lifestyle and ensuring he doesn't become overwhelmed or take too much on. This has meant that I have always been both the gauge and the buffer; perpetually keeping an eye on whether it looks like the 'life-puzzle' is becoming too full, and pre-emptively picking up slack to prevent things getting on top of him.

It has meant missing out on many things and choosing some alternative and unconventional pathways to either accommodate DP's fragile MH or prevent relapse. It has meant that some other relationships and friendships have remained superficial and not grown as I might have hoped, as MH remains a sensitive subject and people, however lovely, do not always understand how to engage with it or families impacted by it.

Boundaries are great, and an expectation of self-care and conscientious management an excellent baseline, but life happens and as a partner of a person with a history of, or current, mental ill health, one is likely to always be in a state of heightened vigilance, looking for signs of recurrence.

I obviously don't want DP to experience dips in his MH because it is distressing for him, but I also don't want him to experience said dips because it has the potential to impact everything else in our lives. Despite our best efforts at finding a balance between 'MH-proofing' our lives and allowing for life to take its course, we can't get away from the reality of how much of a PITA it quickly becomes when he finds himself feeling unwell or suddenly anxious, and commitments still need to be kept and contingencies found on a dime.

It can be very lonely. DP and I have ventured deep together and have a bond and connection which has been forged in hell-fire, I sometimes think. But given my time again, I wish I'd not imagined I could be a rock, and passed.

My DH has had depression for years and has been suicidal in the past. It does recur fairly mildly about once a year or so but he knows how to manage it and what brings it on, and what to avoid. Although it's a long term condition (related to childhood trauma) it's also exacerbated by circumstances and his life is very different to how it was when he was very low. (Before me). Of course life isn't predictable and bad things may happen in future so we can never say it won't come back but I am glad I took a chance on him, he's the best person I know.

Those with your callous attitude, and lack of self-awareness are actually the ones at the bottom of the barrel...

Those who have, at some point in their lives, had some kind of mental illness, make up a significant part of that barrel!

The bottom of the barrel ?
Shit that's awful.
By all means have a relationship with who you want.
This comment though is fucking low.

@alwaysmovingforwards

When I've been on OLD, there's one type of person I've always swiped left on... those who proudly say they have "no filter", like it's a badge of honour that they just spout offensive crap and it's all ok because they're "just being honest".

Same but thankfully minus the cancer. ♥️ sent.
I am disabled, i work, have mental health problems )no flare for a while. I dont see myself as the bottom of the barrel. Its offensive.
Im confident, funny, can be enigmatic, have a lot of interests, kind, empathetic, compassionate etc.
I would give him a chance OP, it appears hes managing his mental health. That may not always be so but if we put limits on potential matches health we would never date or have a relationship. If someone had cancer but recovered and the cancer came back after dating, would you leg it? Oc not xxx

No

No. 1/4 do, but 3/4 don't, so there's plenty of people to meet who don't.

1/4 of people have had some kind of mental health problems over past year. The OP's potential partner hasn't apparently had mental health issues for years.

Seriously, those people who are screening out anyone who's ever had any form of mental health issue are screening out most of the population, and is as stupid as ruling someone out because they've ever had any physical health problems.

My mental health is thankfully pretty good. However, I had a period on anti-depressants 10 years ago during a particularly difficult time in my now former marriage, and had undiagnosed anxiety and intrusive thoughts in my late teens that I just dealt with because I was totally ignorant that I had a mental health problem that needed addressing - i basically thought you only needed to get help if you were in the verge of being committed!

If I talk to any of my woman friends, virtually all will have had or have some kind of mental health issues at some point in their lives, even if they've not sought help for them (like I didn't in my teens).

I’d give him a go.
my dh has suffered from pretty bad mh, had a full on breakdown once. That was very difficult for all concerned however for the vast majority of our marriage - before and since- he’s been fine.
I think most of us will suffer from mh issues at some point.

Goodness no, I wouldn't. Run very far in the opposite direction!

No. I have several MH issues and it's shit. If you're already with them then / have known them before you started a relationship then I suppose that's different.

Do I also count Autism, Dyspraxia and OCD as a mental health issue?

No I wouldn't .

Haven't read the thread, sorry, can't face it.

I personally wouldn't now. I lost my dh to suicide a few years ago. He was ill throughout his adult life and obviously it got worse. He minimised his illness to me when we met.

Heres the thing. He was a wonderful man, one of the very best, and everyone loved him. He was a lovely dad when he wasn't ill. I loved him and miss him.

But I can't do that again. It was brutally hard and I am damaged by it.