Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

This sounds similar to my situation, he was fine for the first 6 years, I knew he suffered from depression but I thought that was relatively normal, it was only after our youngest was born that the accusations started, then they got wilder and wilder and he started cutting everyone off, refusing to speak to me or the children, we’ve been split 6 years now and he still doesn’t work because he can’t, despite being medicated, he is on pip and pays zero maintenance, doesn’t look after the children because he can’t, I’ve allowed him in my house to see them in the past but because of his medication he would just fall asleep on the sofa and ignore them because his medication made him tired. Why anyone would want to get into that situation I don’t know! If I knew what was to come I wouldn’t have myself but he wasn’t like it when we met. If I had known then no way!

No, I don't think 'everyone' has mental health problems. In my family, most of us have perfectly normal feelings of sadness and frustration due to someone's drinking problem, but not one of us would describe ourselves as having a mental health problem. Actually, we see ourselves as cheerful, resilient, healthy people.

I do not like this reframing of natural human emotional reactions as 'illness'. There is a difference. I know people with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and other recognised mental health problems. Those people aren't just having a bad day or a natural reaction to an issue.

Yes. I don't like how normal human feelings of grief, sadness and anxiety have been overly pathologised, so that now we all have MH problems.

We all do. It's whether we medicalise them or not. The stigma attached to seeking help when needed causes unnecessary pain and sometimes ends in tragedy.

I didn't get help when I was much younger for my mental health issues. I would probably have said at the time that I was just ploughing through and being resilient. Now I realise I should have sought support.

Writing off anyone who has ever sought assistance for mental health issues, whatever they might be and however long ago, is just ignorant.

Most people might have some slight MH vulnerabilities but that's not the same as depression that lasts for many years and incapacitates someone leaving them unable to work long term, or with repeated suicide attempts, to give a not even massively extreme example.

I can't work for life and I can't expect most men to be impressed by that. If anything, the ones that are ok with it might be dodgy and want someone vulnerable.

I'm most likely to end up with a bloke who also has a severe disability and doesn't work maybe, so we have a more equal basis and pace of life. Of course I'd prefer a competent guy.

Writing off anyone who has ever sought assistance for mental health issues, whatever they might be and however long ago, is just ignorant.

No one is writing someone off for seeking help. They're saying they don't want to be with someone with a severe MH problem or background of it (due to the risk of recurrence.)

If a bloke turned out to have undiagnosed/untreated MH problems, women who are understandably uncomfortable with that wouldn't stay with them once they found out, I imagine. Or I hope they wouldn't stay with them long term solely so as not to upset them.

Depending on the severity of the issues, of course.

I think that people who have had mental health problems are a lot more caring, and understanding than many others, I have had post natal depression and I think it's made me stronger, and more appreciative of life. This thread is very ableist. Just remember no one is perfect. NO ONE!

I married one who ended up ticking all the boxes for covert narcissistic personality disorder. 25 years of pretending he was really happy with me when he apparently never loved me and had spent the whole time trying to sleep with other women - oh and men. And it was all my fault somehow. He seemed really nice and normal, kind, helpful and stable to me and everyone else until it all came out.

So I'd say give it a go OP and just take it slowly. Find out exactly what his issues were - was he an alcoholic or did he just decide drinking wasn't for him? I didn't get the impression that he was an alcoholic but others seem to think he might be. Does he have a diagnosis or was he just going through a bad time? Take it slow and find out exactly who he is and if that works for you.

I am married to someone who was previously sectioned for their mental health problems and spent years in a mental health hospital before I met them. So I would date them, he now has really good mental health as he had insight that he would never have had without treatment and has been a real support to my mental health when I have had issues.

This is not my experience of mentally ill people. My experience is that they are extremely self-centred and narcissistic. It's always about them and never about anyone else.

I wouldn't date one. I want someone who brings me up, too.

That's fair enough @BananaSlug . He didn't seek help when you were with him and he was aware of his schizophrenia. I wouldn't stick around especially with a child. Too risky if not being treated or not taking meds.

If the condition is treated well , i have found people with mental health conditions are the kindest. Some who dont seek help or refuse meds can appear self centered but theyre not, theyre struggling. Yes they could be arses before during and after illness, but ive never met a person who suffered with MI who have been rude etc. I worked at Mind eons ago.

No. If a partner I was already with developed MH problems, then obviously I would support them in every way I could. But get into a new relationship with someone I knew had had serious MH problems? Definitely not, especially if I were looking for a long-term partner with whom I might want to have children.

I always find it strange that it's totally accepted for people to choose or reject partners on the basis of relatively superficial things like looks, hobbies etc, but that making those decisions based on something serious that could affect the stability and quality of your whole life and that of any future children is not acceptable.

yes indeed @AllProperTeaIsTheft apparently it's ok to refuse to date someone whom you find unattractive, but not dating someone with MH issues and suicidal urges is ableist?

This is not my experience of mentally ill people. My experience is that they are extremely self-centred and narcissistic. It's always about them and never about anyone else.

Aww I think narcissistic is usually wrong about people with MH problems. But the issues do often leave you dwelling on them or caught up in them so it can seem like the person is going on and on- or just moody and withdrawn.

It's embarrassing when you come out the other side, or even at the time, but you're not 100% in control of how you appear, when you're severely mentally unwell (with bipolar at least.) I knew I was being annoying/intense at times, but I couldn't stop it until my health was better. It effected a lot of friendships.

making those decisions based on something serious that could affect the stability and quality of your whole life and that of any future children is not acceptable.

True that. Years ago I loved someone who had 5 young kids. If we'd stayed together until I was first in hospital with my bipolar, he would've had to walk away. It would've been devastating for me, but the right/only decision he could make.

But @aurynne anyone can develop any issues, physical or mental, so if that's the approach you take to relationships then it won't get you very far. Will you bolt as soon as things get hard? A spouse gets cancer? Or has a stroke? Because they will, if you're together long enough and you want someone who loves you and you love back.

I wouldn't start a relationship with a person in a vegetative state. However, I would care for a partner if he had an accident and ended up that way.

Starting dating a person with a known mental health condition is very different from being with a person I have dated, had a relationship, develop a deep bond and deeply love being unlucky and developing a MH condition later on. One of the two is a certainty I will not knowingly get into. The other one is a future possibility no one can predict, and as such part of the everyday risks of having a life.

It really is not that hard.

I honestly have no idea what this nonsense means. I think it's offensive, but it's not clear.

No, I'd not again, having done so in the past.

So you wouldn't date anyone with a chronic illness either? Diabetes? Epilepsy? MS? @aurynnebecause they're no walk in the park. I'm genuinely curious. It is ableist but I suspect you're not alone as people think they're invincible until they're not.

It depends on the illness, its severity and the degree of impairment in everyday life. Why is it so important for you to know so specifically about the dating preferences of a stranger in the Internet?

Yes I would

Mental health problem are very common - for most me they tend to be quite contained about it whereas some people externalise it. I think it the person is needy, overshares or overburden you then I would say no. If they person feel pretty much functional but privately feel sad etc - I would probably still date them.