Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

[Dottheeye]

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

Don't know, just if you decide to embark on anything with him, don't try to do the saviour thing, check whether you feel comfortable regularly, pay attention to any red flags and make sure you have boundaries like a motherf**r! (It strikes me that the same could and should probably be said about entering any relationship!)

Probably not. I mean if I was 3 months in and hooked I might continue and just be cautious to anything but at my age (mid 40’s) I just don’t want to be in a relationship where’s there’s any drama. That’s not to say there would always be drama as such, but growing up with a mother whose mood affected the entire house and often threatened suicide in my presence (under 10yrs old) I just couldn’t risk it. Even now a phone call with my mum when she’s feeling down (not that bad these days) can affect my whole mood. That’s not to say I’m not supportive but I live 4hrs away and I feel that people need to help themselves and she doesn’t ever want to. So no, I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t and was very aware of this in my dating years. The person who raised me had mental health issues and it was difficult.

I once dated someone with depression and when I found out it was a major turn off - though I obviously didn’t tell him this. My life partner is unbelievably sanguine/optimistic/level headed and it’s a huge part of why I’m atttacted to him him. He probably represents the stability I craved in childhood or something. You fancy who you fancy.

There is a huge gulf between looking after a long term partner and beginning a relationship with someone with health issues.

I would look after H until his final breath but we have two decades, so far, of a bank of memories.

OP are you ok with the no drinking, less stressful job type of guy? I think that is what you should ask yourself if this, whatever it is, could be a relationship for you where there is a lot more up than down?

Yes there are always downs in relationships but you ride them because the ups in between are longer and better.

It's not so much the health history as the possible proscribed, inflexible future that would be cause for concern.

As just as disclosure, no I wouldn't go out with anyone whose health was considerably worse than mine. But I am older, we have two dependents, I don't need another, apart from potentially their dad but he "has been told he can die when I give him permission which he is perfectly fine with we just bicker who is going to die first in the allocated 10 minute window".

I just don't have it in me to care for someone without the history. If I'm being honest. My parents never wanted me to suspend my life to care for them. I feel the same about our children. So anyone else just wouldn't happen.

i'm surprised (although I probably shouldn't be) that so many people feel somehow offended by this thread.

I think relationships one area where people should not compromise on what they can handle.

aside of everything else - if someone doesn't want you for whatever reason you should not argue with it or feel bad about it. You can pull up every argument under the sun why the specific deal breaker should not be a deal breaker, and they are still within they right to not want a relationship. It can be health, your job, previous history, anything.

Not to mention that I am pretty sure that every person who felt somehow upset by this thread also has their own "deal breakers" they would not compromise on

I think the important thing is how he manages his bad times and how much he would rely on you and demand help from you etc.

No I wouldn’t at all.

I wouldn’t date anyone with any kind of mental health issue including depression or anything like bi-polar.

and when my kids are the right age I will be giving them the same advice.

Why date someone that will make your life harder when you don’t have to.

It is ableist but I suspect you're not alone as people think they're invincible until they're not.

I'm not sure why some posters are assuming that anyone who says 'I wouldn't start a relationship with someone with serious MH issues' must think they themselves are immune to getting MH issues.

This is not my experience of mentally ill people. My experience is that they are extremely self-centred and narcissistic. It's always about them and never about anyone else.

I've met people with mental health problems who've been like this, but many who haven't at all. And I think many people who have had their struggles with mental illness can be kinder and more empathetic than those who haven't.

People with mental health issues can present very, very differently... in the same way people with physical health issues can - you wouldn't conflate someone who wad blind with someone with gluten intolerance for instance.

Fundamentally though, dating isn't, and should never be, equal opportunities... No one should feel they are obliged to date someone they don't want to, to avoid being called ableist....

Maybe not dating someone with mental health issues is ableist... well, so be it. Being ableist isn't wrong in that context.

I don’t feel immune to getting MH issues @AllProperTeaIsTheft In my case it’s more that I fancy people who are very stable perhaps subconsciously to balance out the genetics on my side of the family. Instability, depression or anxiety would be a huge turn off to me. Plenty of people feel the opposite - just think of the stereotype of the sexy, tortured, depressive artist.

Very curious to know how attracted OP feels to her potential romantic interest. And what her gut says.

Definitely not my experience either, very far from it. Usually very self absorbed, think the world revolves around them and doesn’t care about anyone else.

I could have written this, I too have mental and physical health issues and am the wrong side of forty. I guess I'm consigned to the don't touch with a barge-pole heap too.

I'm so sad and disappointed at these comments. What a horrible bunch of attitudes.

It's generally intelligent people who are more likely to suffer from depression! Just thought I'd throw that out there 😂

As someone who lives with a depressed partner; run. They wear you down eventually.

@threecupsofteaminimum I suppose you could be glad that when you do date people you'll know they are not superficial and not only interested in what they can get out of the partnership.

How would you suggest the discrimination against mentally ill people in the dating world stop? I am not attracted to anxious overthinkers either as friends or as romantic interests.

Should I date them anyway so I don't discriminate? I am also not attracted to fussy eaters. Is that ableist?

This is such an ignorant statement.

I've never projected onto a partner with my issues, I've sought help and support from those I knew would and could cope and help me.

This narrative of bunching all MH issues into one size all is about as cuntish and pig thick ignorant as I've ever read.

The MH spectrum is wide and complicated. Schizophrenia, trauma, depression, epilepsy are not the same and are as comparable as cancer is to a broken leg.

@threecupsofteaminimum but why does it matter if a particular person just has a hard rule of not dating people with any sort of mental health issue? Would you want to date them knowing their attitude?

@threecupsofteaminimum . Like I said we're just more intelligent!

The OP mentions a man with suicidal urges and a drinking problem, so people are responding to that. Its not just mild depression.
In any case, sexual attraction can't be policed and legislated. If someone doesn't want to date an overweight man, it's fine. But if they don't want to date a severely depressed man, it's wrong? Makes no sense to me.

It seems many of us are also going off previous experiences with dating people with MH issues, so it’s understandable why we’d be hesitant again.

As I said previously, it depends on the individual and how much they are willing to help themself instead of dumping everything on you.

I once had a therapist who told me it’s normal to feel very bogged down while dealing with someone with severe mental health issues, as we are not professionals, and it’s professionals who are trained to help but also deal with it.

I have bipolar and I certainly wouldn't date someone with any mental health issue or illness. Why make life harder than it needs to be, especially if you want children?

I also don't like this idea that relationships must be some type of equal opportunity thing. I find it quite creepy and coercive.

I had a taste of this through my friend, I didn’t even live with her she wore me down via text over a period of several years despite various hints and warnings I gave her indicating that I was drained and dealing with my own stuff. Then last month she texted me the day after my birthday with another tale of woe without even checking how I was.

I stopped replying and we barely speak now probably because she knows I will no longer be her human emotional support animal. I find it interesting she didn’t trauma dump on her partner/father of her children but reserved the gloom and doom for me including abrupt mentions of suicide ideation.

It comes back to society teaching us to expect women to play the role of 24/7 therapist and not expect any reciprocity in their relationships while letting men off the hook. And if we say no we are ableist or selfish despite the fact statistics tell us in most cases men don’t hang around when the situation is reversed .

yes the example I’ve given was a female friend but I could not imagine dating and living with her male equivalent. It would be even worse.

It’s important to add not all depressed people or mentally ill people are self absorbed or wear you down. As pp said it depends on the person.

But either way women are not ableist if they are honest with themselves and decide they can’t take the risk.

Depends if he is ok generally and proactive about his health, willing to take medication if required.