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Original poster

Would you date someone with previous mental health issues?

199 replies

Dottheeye · 19/09/2023 23:28

I have been chatting to someone I know who asked me out on a date. I am aware he has previously had some mental health issues to the point of suicidal thoughts as known him while. He seems to have been ok for the past few years though, given up drinking, taken on a less stressful job etc. would you give him a shot? My worry is I have been in a relationship before with someone who had underlying mental health issues and whilst to the outside world he was fine, behind closed doors I felt like I carried a lot. It really took its toll on me and I just don’t want to get trapped into something similar. He seems like he’s in a good place and he’s a good guy but what if he dips and I’m too involved by then. I want to be with someone who brings me up, not brings me down, but I know we all have our struggles so what’s the balance?

OP posts:
Epidote · 20/09/2023 07:35

I wouldn't reject him as such for having mental issues in the past. 1 in 4 adults have it during life. I wouldn't put myself in the role of a martyr neither.

What I meant to say I'd that I would give it a go and check if that is part of the past or if is just a excuse he use to be a irresponsible, irritable etc person.

People use MH as excuse very often to behave poorly. And reveal in early conversation that kind of private information means a lot, and not particularly is a good sign.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 20/09/2023 07:36

Also popping on here to mention I had no idea I was “towards the bottom of the barrel”. 🙄🤔😆😆😆😆🙁😆😆🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 07:43

I probably wouldn’t due to the suicide ideation, even though I object to people with mental health issues being described as bottom of the barrel”.

I have seen too many of my friends husbands in their 30s kill themselves.

wheresmymojo · 20/09/2023 07:47

Wow.

Nice to know I'm considered 'the bottom of the barrel' because I've had mental health issues.

notcurrentlyactive · 20/09/2023 07:49

Loads of people have loving, happy and successful relationships with partners who have mental and physical health challenges.

If it were me I wouldn't choose to get into a relationship with someone who wasn't currently in a good place with their mental health but if they were consistently stable and had good support in place, absolutely.

All this talk of barrels makes me feel a bit sick.🤢

CutiePatooties · 20/09/2023 07:49

As someone with a MH condition, I’d say no. He could relapse, he could need a lot of support and you don’t sound like the kind of person who would give that. He would just ‘bring you down.’

This relationship isn’t for you.

Also, if I’m at the bottom of the barrel then I suggest ignorant buffoons would also be at the bottom, so I’ll see you down there @alwaysmovingforwards

wheresmymojo · 20/09/2023 07:50

Muchonachomiamigo · 19/09/2023 23:32

Having been there, no, I wouldn't. I want to be an equal in a relationship, not a crutch for both of us. I want to support but also be supported in return.

Seriously?

This is such a shitty thing to post. Why would you think people with previous MH issues can't support anyone?

Millions of women have mental health issues and support they're entire family including their spouse?

Do you actually genuinely believe what you've posted here?

wheresmymojo · 20/09/2023 07:52

alwaysmovingforwards · 20/09/2023 00:08

@DisenchantedOwl
Yeah sorry to cause offence, not the intention just being honest.

Same as physical illness though. When it comes to dating why would I pick this one who can't walk whereas that one can etc.

I just don't need the additional layer of complication.

I wouldn't scrape the bottom of the barrel for unkind, selfish people with no empathy.

BananaSlug · 20/09/2023 07:53

No never again. People are saying we all have mental health problems but no not really my ex had schizophrenia he made my life hell, never again.

Loubelle70 · 20/09/2023 07:53

PermanentTemporary · 20/09/2023 07:32

Haven't read the thread, sorry, can't face it.

I personally wouldn't now. I lost my dh to suicide a few years ago. He was ill throughout his adult life and obviously it got worse. He minimised his illness to me when we met.

Heres the thing. He was a wonderful man, one of the very best, and everyone loved him. He was a lovely dad when he wasn't ill. I loved him and miss him.

But I can't do that again. It was brutally hard and I am damaged by it.

I understand that @PermanentTemporary . Sorry ♥️ xx

NoMor · 20/09/2023 07:54

I had crippling mental health issues for a decade. Self harm, suicide attempts, I genuinely wanted to die. I've been fine for about 15 years now.

Date him, if it's all a mask then end it.

Olika · 20/09/2023 07:55

I wouldn't.

Loubelle70 · 20/09/2023 07:57

BananaSlug · 20/09/2023 07:53

No never again. People are saying we all have mental health problems but no not really my ex had schizophrenia he made my life hell, never again.

Was your ex on meds managing his schizophrenia? Its different decision for me if someone wont seek help to improve MHI..unless theyre not aware..which can happen with psychosis. But if they are helping themselves i wouldn't discount a relationship

Gnomegnomegnome · 20/09/2023 07:57

Any of us could develop poor mental health at any point.

If anything the fact that he’s been so unwell in the past could mean that he is more likely to recognise symptoms earlier and have more awareness of what keeps him well.

JMSA · 20/09/2023 07:59

But you get some people who haven't had mental health issues, yet they're still absolute dicks.
I'd give him a chance by going on one date and seeing you you feel.

JMSA · 20/09/2023 08:00

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Stick to the day job and don't take up counselling anytime soon.

mirabellablue · 20/09/2023 08:02

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What a nasty thing to say.

CrunchyCarrot · 20/09/2023 08:02

I would be OK with it, if he is recovered, because I have had mental health issues myself.

wheresmymojo · 20/09/2023 08:07

As someone with life long MH issues I'm going to say this as loudly as I can...

If someone's mental health is having as much of an impact on you as some on this thread have outlined. This isn't a 'mental health' problem, it's a 'person you're with' problem

Do you believe for one second that all the women with mental health issues get to act like your partner/husbands?

I have ongoing and fairly severe mental health issues...and of course that doesn't have zero impact on my husband but this is what that looks like...

  • I take full responsibility for my own mental health
  • DH has never had to have any input into me making GP appointments, psychiatrist appointments, getting therapy when I need it or any other aspect of my medical care
  • I proactively seek medical care when I feel I need it
  • I don't ever take my mental health issues out on DH. No matter how low my mood is I don't make that his problem, he never has to walk on eggshells around me
  • I never expect DH to fix me or provide anything like the kind of support a professional therapist provides. I don't burden him with what's going on in my head
  • During severe episodes I might need to take a few weeks off work and then there is a practical impact on DH as he will often need to do more than his fair share of chores and he does my meals, etc when it's bad
  • I make up for this at other times. I tend to be the one that takes charge and fixes anything else that 'goes wrong' so overall I still feel, and know DH feels, there's a good balance of him supporting me and vice versa

This is what a healthy relationship with someone with MH issues looks like.

Universitynewbie · 20/09/2023 08:08

The people that are quoting the 1 in 4 statistic. That is actually one in 4 people will suffer from a mental health issue in any given year, so realistically that tells me that actually that statistics for over a lifetime will be way higher than 1 in 4. Just to put it into perspective for those that are saying they would never date someone with mental health issues.

wheresmymojo · 20/09/2023 08:10

@EveSix

part of the management has always been about lifestyle and ensuring he doesn't become overwhelmed or take too much on. This has meant that I have always been both the gauge and the buffer; perpetually keeping an eye on whether it looks like the 'life-puzzle' is becoming too full, and pre-emptively picking up slack to prevent things getting on top of him

Yes, that is part of managing having a mental health issue.

But why are you doing it?

Surely you don't think that husbands across the land are doing this for their wives with mental health issues?

This is you acting as a parent, not a partner...

BodegaSushi · 20/09/2023 08:11

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Perfectly put. Life is too short.

MariaVT65 · 20/09/2023 08:16

It would partly depend on his ability to help himself and get help when he needs it, instead of constantly dragging you down with no positive result.

The first guy I ever loved had mental health issues, severe depression. I spent years trying to help him and he eventually killed himself. So I personally wouldn’t do it again.

PurpleBugz · 20/09/2023 08:16

No I would not. My ex got depressed and dumped all parenting and housework on me, was negative energy and fatter and fatter and unhealthy while refusing to do anything to help himself.

You can have mental health struggles and not sap the joy out of everyone else or burden a partner with taking up the slack. But I don't think many men have that skill.

Possibly if it was addiction and he's been clean for years I'd give dating a go but it's a risk

Muchonachomiamigo · 20/09/2023 08:17

Yes, I absolutely believe this, I've lived it. Sex/gender are not relevant.

I'd rather be single forever than be an emotional support human for someone else and be left to flounder in every way by myself when the slightest bump in the road arises.

The OP asked for opinions, this is mine. It doesn't have to be anyone elses.

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