Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

I think in cases like these you have to trust yourself.

There’s no point asking him about it as if he’s doing these things he is obviously going to lie to you and deny it, and then you’ll feel even more off-balance.

And if he’s not doing it, it’s still obvious you don’t trust him, and that’s not a healthy basis for a relationship.

I’m sure you’ll find your stuff stops going missing once you remove him from your life. But if things keep vanishing, then you’ve learned something valuable about yourself that you need to address (very poor memory, trust issues) before you are ready to get into another relationship.

The thing is that I’m very aware of my surroundings. I had a very unpleasant childhood and I notice things that most people don’t. I don’t have any problems with memory in any other area, such as work. So I’m left with either he’s doing this or someone is coming into the house when we’re both out.

Could you set up a camera to see what's happening?

If it is your H I would have to get the hell away from the psycho. One of the freakiest things I've ever heard!

Set up a camera. You can buy really tiny ones now for cheap. Then once you've caught him out make a plan to leave because he sounds vile.

DH will move things of mine occasionally, he genuinely doesn't remember doing it though, he's just being absent minded. It wouldn't cross my mind that he's gaslighting me.

Is there more to this, OP? As in, you're not happy in the relationship in general?

Defo hide a very small camera, get the evidence.

It's either him or someone else

No way that anyone else could have a key to your home? Eg: ex bf or ex tenants.

Does your partner do anything else abusive? Or use other forms of gaslighting like telling you one belief he has one minute but then telling you he has the complete opposite opinion the next time it's discussed, not long after. Ect..

I agree set up a camera or few if you can. Too odd to be ignored.

Have you heard of phrogging?

You don't need a camera, OP. You already know what's going on.

Thank you for all of your messages.

Tonight I met friends for an early dinner. I got home and he said that he’d found the chocolate. I asked where it was and he got up and went into the kitchen and opened a cupboard door. And surprise, surprise there was the chocolate. I went through that cupboard (and others) last night and it definitely was not there.

I told him that it’s obviously someone getting into the house and I was going to report it to the police. Basically to call his bluff. He said ‘well, they will just blame me won’t they?’. I said if it wasn’t him, and he has assured me it wasn’t, then he had nothing to worry about.

I have ordered some cameras.

No, I’ve never heard of phrogging. I’m googling that now.

Sorry for not answering about other things that might be abusive. No, nothing obvious but he has lied before, numerous times about really stupid things.

Phrogging = terrifying! I live in a two bed new build. Attic is locked from the outside and no garage/cellar. The only space not regularly lived in is the cupboard under the stairs and that has a tumble dryer so I don’t think it’s likely.

Well done for ordering the cameras.

If he’s lying over stupid things then… it’s not looking good imo

All this talk of cameras? WTAF? Have a word with yourselves, it’s this man’s home also. If the tables were turned and OP had found she’d been secretly filmed.

Have you had any bad headaches recently? I know this is going to sound mental but this reminds me of an old Reddit post from back in the day where a guy kept finding notes left around his apartment and was getting really freaked out because he lived alone.

Turned out he had a carbon monoxide leak and he was writing the notes then forgetting about it because of CO poisoning.

It's probably unlikely but maybe check the batteries in your CO detectors if you have them, or buy a cheap one just to make sure?

It is highly disturbing that you have now been shown the 'missing' chocolates by HIM and the suggestion by him that he'd be seen as the guilty party if investigated is the actions of a liar and manipulator.

Forget the PP's of phrogging or questioning the ethical aspects of using camera's - you have every right to know what this person, who is living with you, in your space, is doing when it crosses the line into abusive territory.

He's a prick. An abusive prick.

He's toying with you & moving / hiding stuff that you need ( like your eczema cream why ?! ) He's moving the things you like like your new candles to fuck with your head.

Well done on ordering the cameras. Please keep us posted on how you get on.

Ohh I am place marking for this. Feel it's going to be a good one. Good luck OP! I bet you catch him out!

The thing is, I had the whole cupboard out and then put it all back. No chocolate. I checked other cupboards. Not there.

And when I walk in yesterday evening, all of a sudden it's back in the cupboard, on the shelf where it had been originally. And he, (H), is trying to tell me it was there all along. Er, no it wasn't. I have a professional job where detail is important (law) and I don't suffer with any memory issues in any other aspect of my life. And he is trying to imply that all of a sudden I cannot locate a huge bar of chocolate in a small kitchen cupboard.

I appreciate I am banging on about the sodding chocolate bar, rather than the other items that have gone missing, but this is the one where the item has miraculously reappeared in the same place as it had been before. So I can say with certainty that I am not mistaken.

Weirdly, he has text me this morning, asking if I want to go out for something to eat this evening. He NEVER does this. Not in the week. I think he knows he has pushed his game too far this time. I also think me saying I was going to report to the police has made him nervous as well.

The cameras are being delivered to my office, rather than to home. He is out on Saturday so I will set them up, assuming they have arrived on time.

I would usually agree. However, if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was his stuff going missing, and he discussed the missing items with me (as I have with him in the last few weeks) then he would not have had to purchase any cameras, because I would have bought them myself.

This is not a one off, it's been going on for quite some time and he and I have discussed it. Several times. So if it was his things being moved, or going missing, I would have already got some cameras - to put his mind at rest.

Has the eczema cream not “reappeared”?
Does he ever move the same thing twice?

Good for you op, getting the cameras is a brilliant idea but now he thinks you're onto him he may stop for a while until things settle, be prepared to hold out until it starts again