Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

It sounds very difficult and sinister, op can you think of any reason at the moment why he'd like to destabalize you.

Pyscholgical abuse can be a constant during an abusive relationship but the gaslighting I've found is usually done for a purpose, a plan even.

The problem is when you suspect something like this is going on, you are continually second guessing yourself and to tell others could put you in line for others thinking you are crazy or paranoid.
I think that's why a lot people do not share their experiences of it in depth, they blanket cover it, "I was gaslighted".

It needs to be an incredibly safe space to talk about actual incidences because people are terrified of being framed as mad or delusional. This is why it's important to amass evidence, even if you leave, I do think covertly recording could bring you piece of mind.

I do believe you, and yes there will be a reason behind it.

If it’s your place as in your tenancy, you can ask him to leave and call the police and tell them he won’t leave?

OP, the man has form! He used to walk off with your milk and deny it: this is just more of the same. He is getting kicks out of your evident distress. Unless you want the rest of your life to look like this I would leave him. He's a total headfuck. You've changed the locks to rule out a mysterious intruder with a key to your house who nicks eczema cream??? He must be pissing himself laughing at what he's driven you to do.

Just say you did get hidden cameras and caught him taking your stuff, what then? Would you be happy knowing incontrovertibly that it was him, that you're not going crazy, there's no poltergeist, no intruder, and then just carry on living with him as before? Or try and talk to him about it? You know full well you will never hear the words, "Yes, I did move your stuff: I liked watching you look for it and seeing the puzzlement on your face when it wasn't to be found where you KNOW you left it. I got a lot of pleasure out of doing that to you." He'll make up some excuse and say it's not what it looks like or he forgot he moved it etc. You are, unfortunately, married to a nasty piece of work.

I suppose theoretically, giving notice might be the easiest way out.

The thing is though it'll come with challenges of its' own. Like if you move before him you'll need to check he isn't doing awful stuff like trashing the place or running up bills.

Or if you stay the full month or whatever with him, with him knowing, then that'll be risky af in other ways.

How about telling him you need some space for a few days. Then while he's gone, pack up his stuff and change the locks (then tell the estate agents as they might want a new spare key). Then just drop me stuff round his mums place or something.

You just need him out long enough to change the locks. If he kicks off you call the police and tell them what's been going on and that he isn't on the lease anyway and you've boxed all his stuff he can have.

It’s him. 100%. I don’t think it’s a woman. If a woman was there, she’d not be troughing through your snacks presumably. He may be eating them, so pretending he’s healthy but not able to resist the snacks. A normal couple would just say oh you greedy sod and move on.
I’d get cameras, but I’d also be a bit more chilled (in his view) and buy something you want/love. Leave it somewhere for a while, a week or two. It might move, it might not. Now he considered you onto him, after you mentioned the police, he may not do anything for a long time. You say this has recently started, after a long time of not so what may have been the trigger?
I have a lot of experience of a compulsive liar. Pretended our car was stolen, when I think he’d simply sold it after a few months (fancy and impressive car). It had my birthday presents from my family in the boot. About two months later he ‘bought’ me the very thing mum had bought me. Bullshit. Lied about his past, his career. Also no family, friends and made it impossible for me to go out. No empathy at all, frankly a screw loose.
They are the problem but can also be extremely charming when they spot the signs of you finishing it. They can paint it that they are the victim. Be very cautious.

Don’t think she can ‘just kick him out’ of the marital home, even if it’s just her name on the tenancy.

@Cherrysoup I’ve had a look into this. I think you’re right. I’m looking into finding another house (or flat) to rent. I earn a reasonable salary so I will be ok financially. Unfortunately I can’t buy because I’m 50 with about £20k in savings so no hope of that. Too old and not enough for a decent deposit.

Remember you will still be liable for the rent on the current place whilst the tenancy runs. Hopefully as sole tenant it only needs you and not both to give notice and end it.

What a shit thing to have to end your marriage over. His behaviour is just bizarre.

Yes and the OP will be liable for any damages, bills etc. while the tenancy is in place. Speak to your agent or landlord before doing anything. Maybe they can put the tenancy in his name, if he will pass referencing.

Have you looked into it OP, because if his name isn't on the tenancy he has no rights to be there.

Oh so his name isn't on the tenancy at all? Is he named as a "permitted occupier" only, or simply not named anywhere? If that's the case, he's not supposed to be living there legally, and yes you can just ask him to go.

He has a right to be there if they are married!

It's a rental with only her name on the lease.
He probably has a right to some sort of notice if he contributes to rent and bills perhaps but it's not like it's property that can be claimed by either.

I don't know what you mean by "claimed".

But the fact is, no matter whose name the tenancy is in, both parties have the right to stay while they are married.

It's the marital home.

All this "kick him out, it's your house", whilst I wish it were true for the OP's sake, is just not possible.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/renting-your-rights-to-your-home-during-divorce-or-dissolution.

did you ever put the cameras up?? this would be the best way to catch him out and would also help in divorce proceedings! contact landlord and let them know that you want him to leave. if he becomes aggressive in any way, just call the police and they will put him out for you. change the locks whenever he has left. all locks! front, back, side! lock all window whether you are in or not. the only windows open should be in the room you are in!

You cannot, legally, lock someone out of their marital home. Stop giving stupid "advice".

She also doesn't need camera evidence to "help with the divorce". We have no fault divorce now. She just needs to tell him that she wants a divorce and fill in the paperwork. Hopefully they can agree sensibly between them how they manage the tenancy but if they can't they may both have to leave and she gets a new tenancy.

If he gets aggressive, and there's not really anything to suggest he will, then of course she should involve the police. But he still has a right to go back to his home.

Realistically, what'he gonna do, break back in to a house where he isn't wanted? I mean I suppose he could, but chances are he won't bother.

Or maybe he'll call the police. And whilst they are there, he can explain to them why he's been gaslighting her for months. Yeah...probably not going to want to do that. He doesn't want other people knowing what he's been up to.

It does look like signing the tenancy over to him would be the preferable option though of course. But that's assuming he will agree to it.

Thanks for posting this. This is not an easy situation for me and much as I would like for him to just move out with no arguments I know this is not going to happen. I am going to have to severely disrupt my own life, by moving out of my home and this is not necessarily going to be as secure a home as I currently have.

My landlord is very good and we have built up a relationship of trust and respect over the years I have been here. I am going to miss my house and I am also worrying about what sort of landlord I will have for any new property. The rental market is not good and very unstable so I am also concerned about this.

I did not put the cameras up in the end. I can't see any point to be honest. I know that it's him who was doing this - there is no other rational explanation. The question is why? And that is not going to be answered by putting some cameras up.

I know that quite often people want instant answers and resolutions to threads but I need to deal with this situation carefully, as I do not want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. He is not, and has never been, violent so I don't feel unsafe in that sense.

I just don't want to be married to, or live with, someone who does things like this. It doesn't matter to me now if he never does anything like this ever again. I am done with the relationship, even if I haven't physically gone yet.

Hey @ItsJustNotHappening I was hoping you were still around.

Sorry to hear how things are. I really feel for you not having a safe space where you can just relax

I don't know the legalities but if you have a good relationship with your landlord could you arrange something with them?

A break in the tenancy for both of you. But then you can move back in? I don't know. I just thought especially if you've built up this level of trust with them it might be worth asking. I don't think landlords want to go through the hassle of finding new tenants who could be a nightmare either

Hope you're well. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Or just escape to away from the house.

Sorry OP but well done for making the decision to leave this odd man.

It will all work out 💐

If you have a good relationship with with the Landlord you could ask to end the current tenancy and start a new one for you solely.

Check this out legally but then perhaps it won't be considered the 'marital home' anymore?

@ItsJustNotHappening hope you’re ok

it sounds to me (with the things you mentioned moving/going missing) like he could be bringing a woman into the home when you’re not there

Hi Op, hope you’re ok. Did you get to the bottom of the situation?

How's it going OP?
Hope you're okay

Saw something at work today that reminded me of your difficulty OP, took me forever to find this thread again! I’m hoping you’re safe, and whatever the outcome was, you now have peace of mind.