Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

If you genuinely believe he's gaslighting you, then kick him out. Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap.

No, his name is not Gary. Unfortunately it appears that there are quite a few men that do stuff like this.

I have been giving everything that all of you have said/advised a lot of thought. I don't want to discuss this with anyone in RL at the moment and so this is very helpful for me, so thank you.

Ultimately I believe that it is him doing this. Occam's Razor and all that.

The locks were changed when I moved in, so no previous occupier(s) could have a key. So that explanation is out.

I know that most people would probably say the same, but I don't lose or move things. Particularly things that are important to me, like my eczema cream. It is nigh on impossible to get a GP appointment at the moment so I have made sure that I know where that cream is. I have been having a very bad flare up recently and that was the only thing that did anything. I am going to have to try to get some more via an online pharmacy.

Poltergeist - Not likely.

Someone else living in the house - No chance. There is nowhere to hide.

I am finding all of this very unsettling and it's hard to explain why I feel so out of sorts. It's just 'stuff' so why I am so bothered by it?

I can't see myself being able to ignore this long term so I need to think about what I am going to do. This is my house (rented, not owned). So in theory I can just give notice and tell him he needs to move also. I can't see any other way out of this.

I can't afford to buy a property so it will be another rented property, but at least I can relax in my own home and not have to worry about someone sneaking around behind my back.

I’ve been looking at cameras (external only) and Ring doorbells but to be fair the Wi-Fi is patchy at best in our area.
Change the barrels of your locks in case it's an outside person. DH should agree to this as it will help to put your mind at rest and it's very cheap to do. Watch YouTube to find out how you can do it without paying a locksmith.

Get a mini wildlife camera, no WiFi needed. Amazon do them. Just need batteries and an SD card.

For inside I am assuming your tweezers and cream are in a special corner of the room which only has your stuff in it so he would not need to go into that area. Aim the camera at that area and not the whole room. Buy more cream, tweezers and a special candle and bubble bath then watch and wait.

However, realistically we all know who is doing it and why. You were "warned" about his behaviour and outright lies before you lived together. Why do you think he would change once you lived together?

Ah cross posted.

Speak to your landlord since it's rented. Did you give them a spare when you changed the locks? Also ask how they would feel about you staying there if/when you kick DH out? They might be willing to break the tenancy to help evict him then re-sign it with you afterwards.

Did you live in the property before him on your own and he moved in? Or did you find the house together when you moved in?

Of course it's unsettling. I think you're underplaying it.

It's your home. Your sanctuary. The place where you're meant to feel safe. And you don't. It's the worst nightmare for anyone suffering from any kind of anxiety as you have nowhere safe to go

Also I find the eczema cream the most upsetting. It's medication. Without it you're left in physical pain. Whoever has moved it is knowingly causing you actual pain.

Honestly I said I think it's him. And I also think it's the actions of a psychopath.

His behaviour towards you and this situation are at worst suspicious and at best not supportive (and that's me being very generous)

I think you're saying EX-husband wrong pp.

Guys a walking cluster b personality disorder. Breaking your shit to punish you for having your own life. I hope you're working on getting out!

Yeah thinking on it op, if the trust is gone, the marriage is over anyway.

I'd be careful about leaving though. I mean if he could do this sort of thing, what else is he capable of? Especially if he realises you're leaving him. Be sure to tell someone in real life what's been going on and that you're leaving him. And make sure he knows they know before you talk about leaving to him.

nah you definitelly need to set up the cameras!! If only for your peace of mind. make sure he cannot see them amongst books, linen on top of cupboards etc and keep us informed of your findings!!

I can just imagine when you do catch him out, that he'll say it was just a joke, lighten up etc
I'm sure you won't fall for this.
As pp have probably said, he's doing it to manipulate and control you. Horrid !

I have a nice LL and he said he did not need or want a key to the house. It's my home (tenancy in my sole name). So when I moved in I had permission to change the locks. There is a front and back door only. When LL wants to inspect/get work done (rare) then he contacts me and we arrange mutually agreeable times to do this and obviously I am in when that happens. He only inspects every eighteen months or so and this has not been done for ages.

I don't really want to move out of my home but H is unlikely to simply move out if asked to do so.

I have done nothing but think about this situation for weeks. Unfortunately I cannot see any other logical explanation, other than he is doing this stuff. I have no idea why he would do this.

I have no idea why he would do this.

They enjoy it. The literally enjoy watching you suffer.

Then I would change the barrels again, even though the landlord (and family and their friends) doesn't have access.

I don't really want to move out of my home but H is unlikely to simply move out if asked to do so.
That is why you speak with your landlord to see if there is a way forward with their help. Would they be prepared to accept you breaking the contract early, then suddenly renew the contract without DH. Would they be able to start eviction proceedings against DH but not you etc. There is no harm in asking, the worst will be you both have to move out, so you are already thinking the worst regarding your home.

And get that camera but aim it at a specific corner rather than whole room.

Does he ever undermine your mental health to friends and family too? Or say things to you like that you overreact or are oversensitive?

He could be setting things up to present you as mentally ill to everyone if you leave him/catch him doing something he shouldn't be (eg: cheating). Basically laying the groundwork for further gaslighting.

Are some of these items on show for example the exczema cream, the tweezers, tongs left out on display after using them.

Maybe there is a female guest being invited to the house and he clears them away, such as the tongs in a cupboard then he gets them back out and forgets where they originally were.
If it is a visitor, then it would be inadvisable to place a ring doorbell as the invitations would stop.

You need covert survielance.
It could be a combination of the two, gaslighting and a visitor.

Has he employed a secret cleaner?

I say install the cameras, but be open about it. Tell your DH you have bought and installed them as you are worried about someone entering your home and messing with your stuff.

If things then mysteriously stop moving around... you have your answer, it was your DH. If they don't, then you can watch the film back and see who it is. Win win.

I think its a woman. Judging by his reaction especially the chocolate incident.

The food alone would make me think maybe he's secretly eating. But the tweezers etc...I mean it just sounds like someone is coming over when he's WFH and you're not there...

I'd SUGGEST a ring camera to him and see his response. Just say it'll give you peace of mind but also its actually quite handy for postman too.

Just picking up on something pinkbonbon said... the making you look mentally ill thing could also be it. My ex husband did this to me to the point I started doubting myself... to cut a very long story short he convinced me I had a hormone problem and had me booked in for a full hysterectomy.

He was one for surveillance, would rig up spy cameras and I'm sure there were devices in my car. He would know where I'd been (before phone apps that did this) and was just generally a nasty piece. Delighted in my panic and upset, determine to make everyone see I was mentally unhinged. I'm not and never was.

But looking back I'm shocked even now at what I loved through. Four years on after divorce and he's still awful, my solicitor says he's the worst of the worst she's ever come across. There are some absolute nutcases out there.

And of course, he could be absolutely lovely, total mask. But it slipped in the end. He was arrested and he is seen now by everyone for the nasty piece that he is. Even my children are starting to really see who he is. There comes a point where they just can't hide the venom. And they get worse with age, please just take care of yourself.

Mine turned violent when challenged and almost took my life twice. He'd locked me in with him, hidden the keys and my phone on top of a high cupboard. Things I just couldn't fathom why, why would someone do that. I screamed and screamed for help but we lived in the middle of nowhere. It was a friend who worried she hadn't heard from me and called the police to come and check on me. That lass saved my life.

Please see this as the potentially dangerous situation it could be. Here if you need to talk, anytime.

This was my initial thought when I read the original post

@Jadedbuthappy82
So sorry you went through this- it sounds horrific!

He doesn’t undermine me in front of anyone. Mainly because I have no contact with any family and because he doesn’t like socialising with anyone, other than me (on our own) or his four friends, who he goes away with a few times a year. We never see anyone else as a couple. I have a good social life, nothing flash but I see friends at least a couple of times a week. His parents are both dead so he has no family.

By the way, it’s always been like this. We’ve been together for 15 years and married/living together for 8 years.

That is just horrific. I am so, so sorry. I hope you’re doing well now. Xx (I know ‘xx’ are not strictly permitted on MN but I felt you needed it). Some people are absolute monsters.

I've only read your opening post so far OP, but, immediately I have to ask... How did you end up staying with and then marrying a man that used to steal items from your fridge and then lie about it?! Was that not a red flag for you? If nothing else, it's fucking strange!