Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

In cases like this I think the most likely explanation is the truth

It must be him

Rather than setting up cameras and monitoring everything 24/7, I would see about baiting him.

Eg: buy a nice set of candles and casually mention it. Like 'So I'm going to take a nice relaxing bath with them some time this week'. Leave them on the kitchen table. Put a camera in sight of them. Or get a bottle of wine and say 'it my friend moiras birthday on Tuesday so remind me her bottle of wine (gift) is in the hall closet to take when I head out will you?'. Then go out. When you come back he might have moved it.

It sounds like he's moving things he thinks you'll enjoy so bare that in mind.

Also, uku might have to wait a bit as it sounds like he knows you are on to him atm.

Maybe diguse things by saying you've must just be forgetful or something. That'll lul him into thinking he's getting away with it.

I think you need a camera, then you have concrete proof and can decide how to proceed when he denies it. You don't even have to say why you know he moved it, but that you do know.

Why would anyone want to do this to someone else? It's bizarre and he must not be completely right in the head.

A poltergeist wouldn't make sense either because it's only your stuff being moved. Unless it's your great, great aunty Fanny.

But agree with other posters that if something like this was going on in my house I'd be suggesting to my wife we change the locks and desk out the place with cameras ect...
The fact that he doesn't seem fussed about something that's clearly stressing his partner out is suspicious af.

I could see certain types pulling this move out of spite. Eg: as pp said about them not liking you to be able to relax or to enjoy nice things. That's what narcissists and similar are like, always trying to stress you out and spoil things.

Get a camera.

We went out for food and he was saying I seemed unhappy and that he was trying to cheer me up. I just said I was very stressed about all of this weird stuff. He didn’t offer any suggestions and just changed the subject.

I’ve been looking at cameras (external only) and Ring doorbells but to be fair the Wi-Fi is patchy at best in our area. I’m assuming I can get ADT or someone out but I don’t really want, or need, a burglar alarm. I just want a camera to cover the back garden and something at the front. I’m crap at DIY so I’m googling people in my area who can help.

The only way your going to find out is to use cameras.
It's definitely him btw

No question in my mind it’s him. Of course it is. You knew he was thieving milk from your fridge before you married and this seems to have gone unchallenged, apart from him denying it, and he’s carrying on in that way. There’s something very young indeed about this behaviour and whereas I’d do the same with cameras (don’t blame you at all, since he gets shifty when you mention it) I don’t know if your relationship will survive it once you’ve caught him in the act. Which you will.

This all is so ridiculous and frustrating. Doesn't he have better things to do with his time?

You would think so wouldn't you. My ex, a high flying professional spent years doing this to me. They enjoy it.

OP - you don't really need cameras. Just put your cream on your bedside table. When he's in the house check it's there after he's been in the room. Every time.

It was only when I started checking that I knew for certain it was him, it didn't take long, once I started checking.

I had four kids to get up and out in the mornings and always put the dishwasher on after dinner so that I could empty it before I went to bed and have everything clean in the morning. It kept stopping, and I'd go to unload it before bed and have to start it again so giving me extra work in the morning and really upsetting me because i had so much else to do in the mornings.

Once I suspected it was him, all I had to do was go in the kitchen right after he'd been in there and I could see he'd turned it off.

You don't need cameras, just test the theory - it won't take long.

It's a really cruel thing to do to someone. Once you know they are doing it, you can't unknow it. So you need to start thinking about what you're going to do about it if it is him.

I wouldn't be surprised it he is on some incel website, swaping ideas and stories about how they gaslight their partners. Maybe have a look at his browser history if you get a chance.

👆This is the best way to find out.

I’d photograph my stuff from time to time, so you can prove it’s been moved / taken etc - very easy to do.

I’d also consider checking his internet history - anyone doing this sort of thing will be dodgy in many other ways.

I am in absolutely no doubt that it’s him!!

He obviously gets some kind of nasty little kick from this! From watching you search, from watching you worry and get stressed. It’s like some weird game of One-upmanship, where he feels like he’s getting one over on you, making you feel crazy, worried or upset…except your not in on the game, your just the victim.

Think hard about the kind of things that are going missing too, things that are essential to you like your Eczema cream, tweezers, or things that bring you comfort or enjoyment like the candles and the chocolate. Think of the timing too, how serendipitous it is that the chocolate went missing on an evening when he would be out, I think he knew full well you might want to enjoy it whilst he was out and made damn sure you wouldn’t!

As other posters have mentioned I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there aren’t cameras already in your home, and I would imagine that is part of the reason he didn’t suggest cameras himself when you said the stuff going missing was bothering you. Forget the morals around using cameras, you would think it would be something he would easily suggest for a few reasons, to rule himself out, to make sure the property is secure and that you don’t have some random habitual intruder and most importantly to to put your mind at ease and to make you feel better….why wouldn’t he want to do all of those things??? There is only one thing I can think of, and that’s because he is guilty as they come!!

PS: as someone else mentioned the front door cameras I think this could be a good idea. This stuff that is going missing is going somewhere! You say you know where everything in your house is, it all has its place etc. Then with the door can I guess you would be able to spot him going to his car…hiding stuff in the boot, then maybe hiding it at his office at work….wouldn’t be at all surprised if he had a desk draw at work that contained your cream, candles, tweezers etc. I would also check your wheelie bins in case he is throwing stuff in there.

Whatever this is, it’s very insidious!!! He is not a nice man!

Is his name Gary?? I worked with Gary, who took things from my car and they turned up in places only he could have put them. Took things from work venues and put them odd places where they'd be found later but seemingly unexplainable how they got there. We weren't in a relationship but he was clearly threatened by me and trying to make me look stupid. Your OH has issues op, this could escalate and get weird so best just ask him, with conviction, wtf he's playing at then act accordingly. Of course it's him and you can't let this slide. It's nuts!

I'm so sorry this is happeninh to you. The bit about him knowing your past trauma is the worst bit of all I think, just beyond cruel and making you suffer and be fearful on purpose.

I'd be incredibly surprised if it's not him moving your things. Look after yourself lass, and don't feel bad setting up a camera, he's probably already done that and sneering at you, enjoying you being flustered and panicked. What a horrible piece of scum he is. I used to be married to one just like this.

Handhold. I think you've summed it up. Get rid and sweep YOUR house for devices. I'm worried that it will be a case of 'I told her not to leave the straighteners on the bed when she had heat proof mat'.

It's clearly him but you can't spy on him.

So, I would just tell him - 1) I am changing the locks, here's your new key, and 2) I'm putting cameras in the kitchen and bedroom, I know you won't mind because I know you don't want me to feel uncomfortable in my own home, it'll be interesting to see if it shows anything, maybe we'll catch the first film of a poltergeist, or maybe we've got a squirrel moving under the sofa ......

Can you think of any other ideas darling? Funny how it's only my stuff that seems to move around.....

Hate to say it, but I think he's inviting someone round while you are out. So not him moving suff, but he knows who is. Stuff that you eat and he doesn't and your equipment being moved, is suggestive of a woman. Hopefully, the cameras will shed some light.

Pp makes a good point.

He could be seeing another women when you are out. Maybe tells her that you two are actually separated but (insert crappy lie here as to why you have sto stay together. Eg: he can't leave because you're nuts).

But she isn't sure if she believes that so she leaves clues for you by moving your stuff.

One way of stopping it would be to get cameras and tell him you have them.

Fuck privacy. I'd definitely be putting cameras in. What's he going to be doing anyway that you won't have seen him do already. You won't be putting the videos up on YouTube.

Have read op posts only

My OH does something kind of similar - when he feels aggrieved ( maybe he's not getting enough attention, or something I did upset him etc) he will either 'accidentally ' injure himself or 'accidentally ' break something of mine.

In your case I wouldn't mention missing items to him. Search while he's out or just act like you haven't noticed that they're missing. If he is doing it deliberately he'll get bored when you don't react. Plus if he is doing it, he won't be able to resist asking where something is when you have 'failed' to noticed that it's gone iyswim

I can see both sides of the thoughts behind cameras, fors and againsts. However, I don’t believe the thinking should be about putting cameras up, catching, proving etc.

It might be helpful to take a step back and think instead along the lines of….. do I see a future with someone who makes me feel this way? Do I want to, and should I be spending my time worrying about it and investigating these issues?

or: if I need to think about putting cameras up is this someone I want to share my space/life with?

In a healthy relationship the first conclusion you jump to shouldn’t be your partner. It should be for example “It’s not me and it’s not him, so what could it be” cue joint discussion on putting cameras up to catch the intruder/ghost whatever.

you shouldn’t have to be even thinking about putting cameras up, and you shouldn’t have to feel like this. With a supportive partner it doesn’t need to get to this stage.

your gut is telling you something.

Hope you resolve it.