Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

its like when you know your partner is cheating so you go through his phone to have solid evidence to stop him from gaslighting you

throwing a tantrum over "invasion of privacy" won't work in this case

@PaintedEgg I can't argue with you any longer. I just hope you're never accused of something without evidence and as a result have your privacy massively invaded.

OP you've married this man, you must have trusted him despite your terrible times. You'll abuse his trust by installing cameras. Please find an alternative solution. Don't listen to those telling you cameras are an amazing idea, they're not. If he hasn't done this and finds out you'll likely lose your husband.

When I said I might have moved the cream, I was thinking of myself in your DH's position - ie I might tidy up my own husband's things absent-mindedly and forget. Could he have done that? I'm not making excuses for someone I haven't met, but if your relationship is otherwise ok there might be a simpler explanation.

Does he have a car, OP? If so is there any way you could go out in it and check it to see if he's hidden things in the boot? A common place to hide things is next to the spare wheel.

As far as the chocolate's concerned, I think he just ate it and replaced it. The other stuff is a lot more worrying.

@SeptemberSuns thanks, i had no intention of arguing with someone who thinks objects just disappear without trace

F

how unnerving for you OP

Did you specifically ask him about the chocolate before he told you he’d found it?
I thought from your first post you perhaps hadn’t and just gone to bed without saying anything.
If you didn’t then ……
if you did ignore my unhelpful speculation.

well yes, I'd consider this gaslighting and yes, it does sound very much like he is doing it. Have you had other issues with him? Passive aggressive or controlling behaviour? Can you think of anything that might drive an increase in these actions (not a rational reason necessarily, but a reason - eg if you went out two nights in a row and he doesn't like that).

"give me back my medical cream, i didnt move it so you must have taken it"
"i did not" (he did)
cream remains missing

Regarding your eczema, have you tried Calendula lotion? My DD had really bad flare ups and I got it all under control with calendula lotion.

Let me make it very very simple for you.

If my husband was secretly recording me in my own home, I could ring the police and press charges.

It is never okay to film someone without consent in their own home.

Now I'm going to come at this from a different angle.

I lived in a flat with another girl years ago. Only the two of us and the landlord had a key.

Stuff kept going missing,

eg; I couldn't find my car keys to go to work. I was sure they were left on the mantelpiece. I had a spare pair in a bedside drawer so I used those. When I got back from work they were in the middle of the rug in front of the fire. My flatmate left before me and hadn't got back.

It caused some disagreement between us because we each suspected each other of moving stuff.

Items 'disappeared' and turned up in strange places like in the beds.

In the end we decided we had a poltergeist.

After a couple of months I moved so I don't know what happened.

Don't discount 'woo' OP.

Excuse me ?

You really can’t see a huge difference between looking at someones phone and installing secret cameras in their home to watch them 24/7?

Is there anything happening on the lead up to the disappearances? Have you had good news? Been out without him? Been out with him and got a bit more attention? Had a nicer meal than him?

Do you earn more than he does? Does he see your job as easier than his? Do you have more friends than him?

Sorry for all the questions - trying to figure out what would make someone behave like this.

and if unlike OP he had no reason to do it then you'd be right to press charges...but unless someone lives in OPs attic, i dont think her husband will be pressing any charges

@ItsJustNotHappening - could it be that he suffers from kleptomania (compulsive urge to steal items)? It may be less malicious than trying to deliberately gaslight you, but I can imagine someone who has a rather embarrassing compulsion to steal random things try and hide it. You've mentioned he has stolen pointless things before - have you ever notice him doing that to anyone else - e.g stealing glasses from pubs, taking random things from friend's houses?

I sent him a text while he was out saying the chocolate had gone. We had only been discussing that evening, before he went out, the missing stuff, because something else had been moved (but not missing) when I arrived home from work.

The other weird thing, when I noticed the chocolate was missing, is that I had bought (on the previous Saturday, so two days before Chocolategate) 16 packets of crisps in a multipack. When I looked for the chocolate there was only 6 bags remaining. He does not eat crisps and I had certainly not eaten ten bags of crisps in two days.

So I text him to say the chocolate was gone and there was a few bags of crisps gone too. He knew about this before coming back home and I had gone to bed on the Monday night before he got in.

On Tuesday (yesterday) I met friends for an early dinner. When I got home he took me straight to the cupboard and showed me the chocolate, which was in the cupboard I had previously looked in.

I suspect he ate the chocolate and then replaced it. Which is absolutely fine, no problem. But why not just say that, rather than making out the chocolate was there and I was imagining things? That is what is worrying me. He knows this is stressing me out. So why not say 'actually I took the chocolate and I have replaced it now' just to put my mind at rest.

I had wondered about this too. If there is a poltergeist then I might have to move house!

He earns more than me, always has done. No, he doesn't have many friends and they only meet up once or twice a year now. I don't have loads of friends but the ones I do have I see very regularly, usually at their houses or a pub lunch/dinner etc. I don't go on big nights out anymore as I can't be bothered.

Creepy as anything....

Had a similar (but reversed) issue in my family. And yes, we did install cameras and I see nothing wrong with that at all.

My granny was complaining for decades how malicious, evil, gaslighting and nasty my grandad is. How he's stealing her things, deliberately damaging them, stealing her money, etc etc. It's not a 'dementia' issue as she was complaining about it since my mum, her daughter, was a child.

She was convincing at first, and we collectively thought grandad to be wicked (although it didn't really wash, as he was lovely to my mum and us, kids). But her stories started getting less and less believable. So we installed cameras (we spoke to grandad prior, obvs, and he vehemently denied doing these things).

Turns out, SHE herself was the one doing these things. Taking something and hiding it, deliberately damaging her shoes with the knife (caught on camera), breaking stuff, etc.
She clammed up when confronted, but after some time passed, started blaming my grandad again. As if the cameras didn't happen.

He's dead now, and she's still repeating the same stories. How shitty he was, how he stole her stuff, etc. Divorce was 'not the done thing' back in their days (and it's not UK). Poor grandad.

What I'm saying, I guess, that cameras are not a bad thing, IMO. At least you'll be certain and can act accordingly.

Occam’s razor, eh? I’d set up the cameras and not mention it again. Something’s definitely going on, might not be that he’s gaslighting you. I don’t know if someone else has mooted this cos I ain’t RTFT (am at work) but is it possible someone has been in the house who isn’t DH?

Candles and tweezers disappear, straighteners moving, crisps going missing, a bar of chocolate removed then replaced. The fact the chocolate mysteriously came back is more fishy than the fact it went away, if that makes sense. Seems like it’s not a mystery to him. Then, the unusual invitation to go for dinner when you mentioned calling the cops is also making me wonder. And what I’m especially wondering is what’s happening in your house when you’re not in.

i should add I also suffer from hyper-vigilance following a violent childhood and am quick to spot anything unusual. So much so
my kids think I’m a bit psychic😜 So this would definitely have me doing a bit of watchful waiting. And if, as you say, it’s not him, you’ll soon find out who it is.

You will find that items being moved around the house, chocolate going missing and returning etc is not in fact a legal defence for violating somebody’s privacy in their own home by installing secret cameras.

If the OP is worried, speak to husband about installing cameras, get his agreement to be filmed in the privacy of his own home.

Her husband absolutely should press charges if she is going to film him in his own home with no consent.