Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

Is it only your stuff that moves? Your cream, your tweezers, your chocolate. Even the crisps as he doesn't eat them. Have you noticed anything of his move?

I would also think (if it was him) the chocolate as it was front and centre and obvious, you were meant to notice it missing. No ambiguity. And I wonder if the timing is relevant as he was out for the evening.

My biggest issue is presumably he knows your past. Knows your history and what triggers you and must surely understand how upset you are

If it is him, he is doing this knowing how already traumatised you are and is playing directly into your fears. Which is unfathomable cruelty. It's psychopathic.

I think there is a possibility of poltergeist, there has been some interesting threads here about it.

Despite being legal or not, breaking the trust or not, how are you planning to love with him while all this is going on? Are you in good terms right now, do you feel close to him?

I absolutely get that items do get moved around - in fact, I'm the most likely culprit at my own home because I always move stuff and forget where I've put them. But I know I do it, I don't deny it and Im most likely to misplace my own things. If I ate a bar of chocolate I'd simply sat I did.

Here you have a case of someone repeatedly moving / taking items and acting dumb when questioned about it...and as evidenced by some other posters, there are people who do this kind of thing as a form of abuse. He won't be going around taking OPs prescription meds if he knows he's being filmed... His immediate reaction to her saying she would report it also interesting. He immediately assume they'd think it's him.

Having a conversation would make sense if she was dealing with reasonable behaviour - and she is not, so she cannot expect him to be reasonable. It's the same person who would steal milk from her in the past

on that note:
@ItsJustNotHappening does he ever lose his own stuff? if you were to give him a benefit of a doubt, is he the kind of person to misplace his own belongings?

Do you know what? This had occurred to me as well. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but sometimes, when I get home, I get the impression that someone has been in the house. DH works from home two days a week and I work in an office Monday-Friday. So, yes, someone else could have been in the house who has been moving/taking my stuff.

I don't know what to think. The whole thing is just odd.

Could he be cheating and the ow is trying to let you know...?

Or he's a massive dick and needs to go. Playing with someone's mind like that is evil .

I would be very surprised if the dh has not already set up cameras. He's moving things about or disappearing them, and there is a very good chance that he is filming the result - OP emptying cupboards to find her stuff.

OP, I don't know why you are bothering with cameras. Tell him to leave. You know he's doing this, and it's creepy, mean and all sorts of wrong - this is your husband, your partner in life. WTF is he doing, trying to stress you out or punish you or make you question your sanity. (Yes, it's much worse than setting up cameras to catch him at it, for those still beating that drum.)

Get rid of him. You should not be living with someine who would do this.

No, it's only my things that are being moved/going missing.

Ok, so no cameras. I get it and I am not comfortable with the idea either.

But where does that leave me?

It is getting to the point now where I am wondering what is going to happen next. It's obvious that I can't monitor every room in the house and every item that is mine 24/7.

I can't come out and say to him that I think it's him doing it without proof. He has had the opportunity to come clean about the chocolate but chose to replace it instead and tell me it was there the whole time. So he's not going to change course now is he?

Have you had a check of the boot of his car (near the spare tire), like a PP mentioned? That seems like a likely place he could be hiding them if he is

I can't come out and say to him that I think it's him doing it without proof.

Yes, you very much can.

This is your home and your life, not a court of law. You don't need to establish proof beyond reasonable doubt.

By the way, the biggest evidence it's him is that HE didn't suggest cameras. He didn't want to solve the probkem. It's such an obvious solution that we all thought of it.

@ItsJustNotHappening I know you've ruled out cameras in the house. How about setting up cameras on the doors?

That way at least you'll know if someone else is coming in and out of the house

Personally I think it's him though. The out right lying to your face is outrageous. I'm not sure how you come back from that

I was toying with the idea of a camera for the exterior door anyway. I think that might be a good idea. Obviously it won't cover inside the house but I can exclude someone coming into the house when I/we are out.

I agree external cctv for your doors is a good idea, we have this anyway for security reasons and that rules out someone coming in.

I don’t know why you can’t ask him about it?

I always think you can tell by a person’s reaction to a question what the truth is, whether they admit it or not.

Or as another poster has said if you absolutely want some “proof” you could always take a photo of your dressing table for example in the morning and then at night to see if anything is missing.

Also re. the chocolate, I actually don’t think it’s massively strange to eat it and then secretly replace it. Growing up my friend had quite disordered eating habits, secret eating & bingeing and always felt a lot of shame afterwards and so she would replace anything she had eaten, and if you asked her if she’d eaten it she would absolutely deny it.

This would also explain the large amount of crisps eaten.

The thing is that he is aware of it and we have talked about it. A number of times. At no stage has he said that it was him moving stuff, even when it would have been really easy just to say 'oh yes I moved that because....'

Now this has been going on for a while I think that, even if it is him, he will never admit it.

I don't want anyone to be under the impression I have not broached this subject, because I have, many times. If he was going to fess up then he has had ample opportunity to do so.

It's not just that he didn't fess up. It's that he's not concerned about it. Your stuff is being moved and disappeared, where's the natural alarm a spouse should feel? He is doing it.

I really feel for you, OP. Given your history, this must be so stressful for you. I'd feel like I was going mad, and on edge in my own home. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon. It's absolutely bizarre

Okay, potential solutions - have you considered a video doorbell? Why don’t you suggest getting one, front and back, and see what he says? Maybe one for both gardens too.

Approaching it logically, from what little you can say is certain, stuff is going missing and DH is clear he doesn’t think there’s anything suspicious going on at all. Is he willing to accept there is something going on, and if it’s neither of you, it might be someone using your house sometimes? Getting exterior cameras would just double-check that’s not the case. Their appearance might also prevent any further occurrences. An abundance of caution, call it. A ring doorbell would rule out the possibility of someone coming in when neither of you are around. Can’t see why DH wouldn’t be okay with that. This is bothering you. Presumably he wants you not to be bothered.

There’s an outside chance, as a PP said, if he’s messing with you, that he’s already set up a camera to watch you search, it’s a bit sinister and while not totally out of the realms of possibility, also getting a bit Tales of the Unexpected. I hope it’s not that 😜

If you wanted to film on the days you’re not in you could do it without being seen placing cameras (nanny cams do come in a variety of models). I can see why this strikes some people as a bad move and why you’d not want to do this covertly because of the legality.

Either that or here’s another strategy - do nothing, don’t drive yourself to distraction looking for missing objects, just stop. Totally ignore it. It might escalate, or it might stop. Don’t play the game. If there’s something going on, it’ll come to light eventually.

OP this sounds awful for you. I really hope you get to the bottom of it and find some peace. Do whatever feels comfortable for you. all the best.

@ItsJustNotHappening is this your house or his or a completely new one? You said this happened when you weren't living together too

The thing is as others have said why isn't he more concerned? Why (even if he thought it was woo or you just being forgetful) doesn't he want to sort this out because he can see how distressing this is for you?

He must know your history. He knows how hard this is for you

That's why I think it's suspect he went out for the night but conveniently you weren't allowed to relax and enjoy your evening as you were searching high and low for the chocolate.

How long is it since you moved in to your house? You say it is a new build. Could one of the contractors still have a key and is using it for an illicit affair?
There was a thread on mn earlier in the year where the op was having some work done and the builder was bringing his mistress round for sex in the ops shed while she was out at work.
The op was suspicious because the builder had made a makeshift bed in the shed with some blankets. And the work seemed to be taking longer than it should.
Alternatively has your DH been talked into letting a friend use your house for an illicit affair. If you are going out midweek, unexpectedly, maybe booby trap the house so it is obvious if someone else has been in. Such as a bit of tissue paper in toilet so if it is flushed while you are out you can check.
Photo your bed and sofas. If they are used you are likely to see a difference so perhaps leave indents in cushion or adjust pillows so if moved you will notice.
The most obvious cause is your DH gaslighting but there are other possibilities.
My DH is a serial putter ( he puts thing away) but does not put things away in the right place. Also he has a lack of consistency so rarely remembers where he puts things. If I ask his answer is “where it’s usually kept” which after years of living with him means he’s forgotten but won’t admit it. His problem is that he puts things away where there is room for it. Emptying the dishwasher has caused countless cheese grater searches.
Putters rarely remember where they put stuff while leavers are good at finding things because they create an image of where they have left things. I leave my keys in the kitchen every night, my DH then puts them in my bag so I don’t lose them. The following day I spend ages looking for my keys when they are not where I left them. DH thinks he’s being helpful, he’s not, but it isn’t done maliciously.

How about you tell him you think there's a poltergeist so you're going to set up cameras to run while you're both out. See if stuff stops going missing or moving.

And I'm so sorry about your past trauma. Does he know about that?

Not the same but kinda the same.

I did the petty cash at my old company.

One day it did not add up. Was exactly £100 short.

Was absolutely worried to death thinking that I was going to get into trouble, would they think it was me?

Reported it to my manager who said not to worry he didn't think it was me ( Tin was locked in another managers office although I had access ) and we would just report it as a loss...

The next day, the manager who's office it was in asked me to recount, low and behold, £100 was there. It balanced.

He said I must have counted wrong but I KNOW I didn't, but also couldn't prove it.

My haunch is he 'borrowed' it not realising I'd be doing the petty cash so soon as then replaced it.

Felt majorly gaslighted though and never quite trusted him again.

Anyway, sorry to hijack your thread with my story but I can understand why you feel so unnerved.

Can you set a 'trap' so you can see if it's definitely him?

What about getting an interior camera but just pointing it at something innocuous. For example, getting another fancy chocolate bar, putting it in a cupboard in the kitchen. Then telling him it's in that cupboard, and having a camera that specifically points near that cupboard so you can see who goes into it and what they take. I don't think that's too intrusive, and the peace of mind you'll get from it when you find out it is/isn't him will make it worth it.

Never mind him. She needs to fling him out.