Gaslighting?

[ItsJustNotHappening]

I’m prepared to accept that I might be losing it but I’ve started noticing recently that stuff that belongs to me personally is disappearing. For example:-

1. My eczema cream. It’s prescription only and I make sure I know where it is. Particularly at the moment as I’m having a nasty flare up. It’s always in the same place. Now it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere.
2. Two boxed candles. Those three wick ones. No longer in the place that they were.
3. My tweezers. I had three pairs. All gone.
4. Books that I have bought and not read yet. Gone from the bookcase.

There’s other stuff too but too many trivial items to list here.

There is only me and DH in our house.

There is other weird things too, like things being moved when I know I didn’t leave them there. For example I leave my straighteners on the heat mat on the floor. Always. Last week I came home and they were on my bed.

My H denies it’s him but I have a horrible feeling it’s him doing this stuff.

No one else has a key to this house.

In the past, before we lived together he used to take stuff from my fridge and take it home with him. He used to deny this but it could only have been him. For example I’d buy milk and the next morning it would be gone after he’d left.

Nothing like this has happened for years so I’m unsure as to what is actually going on here.

I feel like I’m going a bit mad to be honest.

H is out tonight and I’ve just noticed some chocolate he bought for me last week has gone. I’ve not eaten it. He is following some faddy diet so he’ll deny taking it. So I’m going to bed before he comes in because I’m feeling really pissed off and unnerved. I’m almost certain it’s him and I can’t be bothered listening to denials.

I really feel for you and I would definitely put a camera in place. No wonder you are feeling unnerved its horrible. Have you directly asked him if its him? Sorry you are going through this.

When does the heartache ease??? I’m in the early days of a break up. Husband is moving out - his choice - he’s a gambler (been off bets for a year and celebrating this next week at GA) but he is indescribably angry that I didn’t share my inheritance with him and his son (I got last year in midst of his gambling and put away for our two kids).

his anger over this has always been there and now he is moving out. But for the last two month, he hasn’t spoken to me, helped with kids, contributed to mortgage, bills, food. When I bring this up or am upset I’m told that I’m mental and it’s my fault that he is leaving, I’m a horrible person who only thinks of herself and our two kids. It’s just horrible in the house - we live in separate rooms, I think he’s moving in two weeks but he won’t confirm this. I’ve asked if we can tell the kids together but he said no because he will handle it better. He’s started removing things from the house now (small things like Alexa etc).

he’s really good at being the nice guy to everyone - but to me, he’s just unbelievably cold. We can’t have a conversation without him calling me names. When I try to challenge him on something he doesn’t like he will film me on his phone so that he is recording how mental I am. It is breaking my heart how he can just flick a switch and turn off any responsibility. ( apparently he can’t pay bills because he needs money for new home, he can’t help with kids because he’s in self preservation mode).

I’m outwardly confident and no one knows what’s going on but I’m slowly, slowly falling apart. I don’t know why I’m posting - just feel that I need to know this gets easier.

@lurker1000 - When does the heartache ease??? I’m in the early days of a break up.
You need to see him for who he is, not for who you thought he was. You are seeing the real him now and that is hard to understand as you have spent years pretending nd believing he is someone else based on the first couple of years of how he presented himself. Once you can accept the present behaviour is the reality then you can move on

I have an idea op can't you just tell him you're installing cameras to see what's going on with the missing/moving items as it's really upsetting you? So you're not being sneaky and spying on him.

Give it a couple of weeks and if things have stopped going missing you know it was him. And if it's not him but someone else you'll also know because it'll be on the camera.

Sorry you're going through this. I'd suggest making your own post in order to get some advice/support.

I’m so sorry - my error, posted in wrong place - I’ve started new thread!

Hi Op. You asked yourself in a recent post, why you're so bother when it's just stuff?

But of course this is going to disturb you. It isn't about the 'stuff'. It's about the fact that your DH is lying to you, as well as apparently wanting to upset you, disturb you, make you think you're going mad. Hiding some cream from you is deply distrurbing - the thing you need to give you some relief from discomfort and pain - he's hid. This makes him seriously, worryingly cruel.

And it is him doing it, ofcourse it is. You've ruled everything else out, so it has to be. And you already know he's happy to lie to you. You know he's taken stuff from your fridge when you were dating, and denied it. He was doing it then, all those years ago - moving things and denying it. He's doing the same thing now.

And then look at the other evidence - when you mentioned the police, he suggests dining out when he doesn't normally. He's trying to butter you up, to prove he's a great husband so it isn't him.

The chocolate bar mysteroously reppaears after he appears back in the house. And he finds it (amazingly, it was the first thing he thought of - locating your chocolate bar, when otherwise he doesnt't seem bothered).

So-
-you know he has long time form for lying, and specifically lying about moving and taking your stuff
-none of his stuff is being moved (rules out woo or someone else breaking in)
-the chocolate reappeared when he reappeared, in a place where you know it wasn't when he was out
-he acts worried when you talk about reporting to the police

Just the lying is enough to divorce him, even without your stuff going missing.

But the stuff going missing is even more worrying. It means he's playing with you, enjoying your suffering (including a medical issue!), enjoys seeing you confused, you thinking you're losing your mind.

This is really worrying.

In the short term, I would do what a pp suggested, and check specific stuff regularly, if you feel you need more evidence that it's him.

I would also stop reacting to things going missing. He's doing it to get a reaction, to upset and confuse you. If you don't act upset and confused he won't get his kicks. He might even give his game away by trying to find out if something is missing (when he knows it is). Act as though nothing is missing.

And I would seriously reconsider if you want to stay with this man who you can't trust, and who is acting against you.

Thank you, xx much appreciated... I'm not going to lie it's been a very long road. We were together from being 14 so grew up together, families entwined etc but I always felt in my gut there was something "off" about him. Also very anti social, didn't like me going out really but wouldn't say it directly, instead would huff and sulk to make me feel tense, which worked so I stopped going out. The bizarre thing is he now has a new woman, has moved in with her and sponges off her like he did with me. He never worked but has two university degrees 🤦🏼 so many people told me to leave him years ago when I was young, but I think even by then there was a strong "trauma bond" keeping me there.

I'm getting there now, I did develop fibromyalgia because of the constant and prolonged stress/tension/verbal then physical abuse... it really affects my daily life and any stress in my life I feel it in my body, the doctor said I taught myself not to show my fear/,stress/upset (he would mock me if I cried etc) so I ended up subconsciously internalising all my stress which now manifests as intense pain in my bones. I know it was years of living with him, the stress, the mind games the blaming myself...

Please protect yourself and your health. My children keep me going but I believe he knocked years off my life from the stress he caused me. And yes I stayed and I married him, but sometimes when you're in the thick of it, you just do. I hope you find the strength to leave my love xxx

Ps and it won't be you imagining it, it will be him.
Even now, we have to have a family calendar app to arrange when he sees the boys (who don't want to go, unsurprisingly) and he will play silly games even with that.

For instance, only yesterday he didn't turn up to collect the children. I had seen earlier in the day he was down to pick them up as usual. I took a screenshot of it. I'm older and slightly wiser but I still question myself. Then when it came to the time to collect them he didn't turn up. Children confused. They had been poorly and off school all day so I'd had to get them dressed etc and ready for "daddy". He just didn't turn up. I checked the calendar again and it now showed nothing, he'd deleted the "boys with father" entry. I took another s screenshot just for my own sanity but also for my records for court.

I have spent an eye watering amount in defence barristers against him, the family court has a strange leniency to these types of men. I had a letter just this week from CMS saying he has applied to contribute less (already the absolute bare legal minimum) because he has to spend money on petrol to see them because he chose to move further away. He's rotten to the core basically.

None of this is you or your fault and you cannot fix them with love or nurture or calling them out or ignoring it. I'm so sorry. Please free yourself from this mess. I believe the one positive of living through this hell is that I do now spot these types of men fairly quickly, so I hope you will heed my advice because I stumbled blindly through the best years of my life, under the mercy of a nasty manipulative demon and if I can save just one other lass from enduring the same then I will. Feel free to message me any time 😘❤️xx

Do these occurrences coincide with you going out? Sounds like he's trying to stop you going out. I'm glad you are looking at an exit plan. Life is far too short for this nightmare.

Re. hidden cameras, I think they're justifiable in this instance. If he is not the one doing this, then you will be able to discover who is responsible. But if, as is much more likely, he is doing this, then I don't think you should have any compunction over violating his rights to privacy. You need to know for certain what is going on here, because as other posters have pointed out, if it's him then it's a deeply sadistic impulse he's indulging, and someone like this can absolutely be dangerous. Finding out one way or another could boil down to a matter of life and death - film him and leave him, or don't film him, continue to doubt yourself and carry on living with a malevolent psychopath who may well escalate.

15 years?! I honestly thought you'd been together maybe a couple of years

How have you not driven yourself crazy with this?

Why are you posting now? What's changed?

Can you remember what happened the last time he went out without you. Was there another big disappearance?

Honesty I'm so sorry. I don't know how you've coped for so long.

Seriously I would just set up a camera in the house and then at least you would know.

If it is him doing it you can just get him to leave you need never tell him you know, but at least you would have some peace that it's not you going mad.

Seriously consider the internal cameras, if only for a few days or until something else 'goes missing'. Sounds really odd.

@ItsJustNotHappening did you install the cameras? Hope you’re ok

Did you get to the bottom of things OP. Been thinking about your situation since reading your thread and just wondered if you've installed cameras or got answers somehow. Hope you're doing ok.

I really hope you get cameras, see that it is him and make arrangements to end that relationship and don't allow yourself to be gaslighted even more by 'it's just a joke'. The fact that this man is I'm sure aware of your previous relationship and what you had to go through yourself after to make sure you are ok makes what he's doing even more disgusting. Some humans are vile. I wish you all the best and that it all works out ok for you

My husband does that! He talks normally with everyone else but I can't hear him, yet I can hear what he says to others.

I hope you have some answers OP. It must be horrible not knowing.

This thread has really opened my eyes to abuse. I strongly suspect I’ve been on the other end of this sort of behaviour and am only just realising.

I still don’t believe in hidden cameras.

A quick update. I’ve had the locks changed so that means he can no longer say someone else has a key. Nothing else appears to have been moved or gone missing since that took place. However, I’m still feeling the same. Unnerved and uncomfortable in my own home. I’m wondering what he’s up to when he’s WFH. Is my stuff being moved because he’s searching through my things when I’m out at work or is he bringing someone else into the house who’s then moving/hiding/taking my things?

Regardless of what his motivations might be, I don’t want to be in any relationship where I feel like this. So I’m trying to work out the best way to deal with ending it and moving myself out of this house in the least dramatic way I can think of.

@sodthesodoff He used to take my milk before we lived together. It’s such a trivial thing but it really used to piss me off. He never admitted taking it but I thought he was just embarrassed and didn’t want to own up. This moving stuff about/removing/hiding things is very recent. I don’t know why he’s doing it and I’m not interested either. There is no explanation, other than he’s doing it himself or he’s allowing someone into the house and they are doing it. No one else visits as he hates visitors.

@theresastormcoming He does this too. Mumbling and then saying I don’t listen to him. I thought I was going deaf too. My hearing is fine.

Mine too. He only does it when we're out in public together, but the moment there's someone else present, he talks normally. On our own I can hear conversations two tables away better than anything he's saying. It drives me insane.

Honestly, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. I think he is trying to drive you crazy. That means there is something seriously wrong with him.

OP this thread has really frightened me. I think you need to get away from your husband now.

I say this as someone who was in a very psychologically abusive relationship with someone like pp — locked in, framed as mad, phone hidden. Also hyper-vigilant as a result of childhood and that actually gave me a false security my body would get me out when it mattered. It didn’t. This stuff is next level.

I’d go low level on this for a bit. Don’t mention anything, but take photos on your phone of where you are leaving your things. Leave money on the kitchen table, stock the larder, count the crisps, etc.

Years ago I worked in a business where things (money) were going missing. At a department meeting one day, it was announced that the takings and safe contents were going to be counted and counter-signed at each shift change. I didn’t know there was a particular suspect at the time. In the meeting she went wild with objections and stormed out. I was gobsmacked but of course it transpired (as management suspected) she was the one filching a few fifties each time, but it was only when evidence had been quietly gathered that the new regime was announced. Food for thought, eh?