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Original poster

I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

376 replies

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 07:47

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

OP posts:
skilpadde · 15/09/2023 08:20

It's creepy that he follows half-naked women on social media who look nothing like me.

Your FWB arrangement isn't working for you, OP. You're looking for something more, and acting like a quasi-girlfriend is not going to get you the outcome you want.

End the arrangement. Go in search of a relationship that is closer to meeting your needs.

AuntieEsther · 15/09/2023 08:22

Why the fuck do you think he's not attracted to you when he's been having sex with you for a year?
don't you get that attraction is about more than just body type? Nobody is only attracted to one body type exclusively especially the 'perfect' instagram body! He's obviously attracted to you.
what is really going on here? Is he unkind to you? Do you want more than FWB?

Anewnamea · 15/09/2023 08:24

Beinpeace · 15/09/2023 08:15

Friends with benefits lmao ...the sex is a benefit! He basically has a booty call on speed dial that he doesn't have to pay for, and you think he GAF about attraction?! If you're not repulsive to look at, and he doesn't stop breathing under you, or struggles to find what he's looking for, he's not gonna give a shit about attraction. This whole scenario is messed up.

This is the unfortunate truth OP. There’s plenty of men who have sex with women they find unattractive, unpleasant and even unclean. I have heard men ridicule women’s looks and bodies to their friends after sleeping with them. Many men are vocal about not being attracted to FWB - which is partly why I personally wouldn’t sign up to that kind of arrangement.

I’m not sure if they fantasise about other women or what when doing it but sometimes a hole seems to be enough to put it crudely.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:24

What is FWB? It's two people who have sex and see each other naked. You don't comprehend that people want to feel desired by the people they are having sex with? How would you feel knowing that a man sees you naked and isn't even physically attracted to you? You're telling me you would be ok with this? I doubt it.

Work on my self-esteem? How about he work on his? And stop having sex with women he's not attracted to because he's so insecure? He's settling and having sex with me someone he's not even into physically. Because he's insecure about himself sexually. He follows a bedroom coach because he's insecure about his performance in bed. So yeah it's not only me it's him as well.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 15/09/2023 08:24

TeeBee · 15/09/2023 08:15

But someone's sexual attractiveness is so so much more than their body type isn't it? It's their character, their personality, their sense of humour, their intelligence, their view of the world, their opinions, how they express themselves, how they deal with people, how they dedicate themselves to pleasure in the bedroom, etc. debasing it down to 'are you only attracted to one body type' is very very one-dimensional. If he's having good sex with you, surely he finds you sexually attractive. Why are you limiting your own sexual attractiveness to the way your body looks? Bit reductive to my mind. If you want to find out more about how he thinks, why not ask him what features he finds attractive in a person? You may find that he has a fuller perception of attractiveness than just body type?

Absolutely all of this!

Op, there's no point in asking him as you've convinced yourself he's a creepy liar and you're not going to believe him when he says he finds you attractive. Which he will.

Before doing anything ask yourself, is the sex good? Is he attentive to your needs in bed? Does he look and sound like he's taking pleasure in your body and company the way you do in his?
If the answer to those questions is no, then just end it. Maintain some dignity.

Secondhandemotion · 15/09/2023 08:25

I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like this situation is a healthy one for you either way, so I think you should stop seeing him. Having a FWB type situation is supposed to be casual, easy, no overthinking and that's not what's happening for you at all. If I was this man and I received that message, I'd run a mile. It sounds very needy and clingy, the opposite of what it's supposed to be. And the whole idea of a 'type' is silly anyway. Who decided that people can only find one set of features attractive? I am (or have been) attracted to people who look completely different to one another throughout my life.

I think you should stop seeing him (without asking the question because you'll regret that in the future) and focus on improving your self esteem.

ErmWhatever · 15/09/2023 08:25

Well if nothing else it's a pointless isn't it? Hes hardly going to say no.

AliOlis · 15/09/2023 08:25

Work on my self-esteem? How about he work on his?
Oh dear... He is not the one with the problem, op.

Faultymain5 · 15/09/2023 08:25

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:18

It'll put him off because we are only FWB? Who cares? FWB see each other naked. If it puts him off then that means he was in fact lying the entire time about being attracted to me. Who cares about it putting him off? He shouldn't be lying about being attracted to me to begin with. No, I don't want him to tell me he loves me. I just don't want him acting as if he's into me physically when he's not it's just that simple.

It put me off when he asked me if I had an orgasm and wanted to know if I was lying about it. Because he thinks women lie about having an orgasm. It puts me off when he talks about being insecure. So what?

Edited

It doesn’t mean he’s lying, but note he’s already told you he finds you sexually attractive, it means you’re being weird about being FWB. Your responses here are literally off the rails and you clearly can’t handle what he says, whatever he says. I like Chris Hemsworth and I like Denzel Washington I also love my husband. All three look very different and I’d say I’ve different body types. Am I lying too? Should my husband feel offended? Your premise is wild. Sorry

InBedByTen · 15/09/2023 08:27

You don’t sound well suited to a fwb arrangement, op. That’s not an insult- I wouldn’t be suited to one either. Better to end it, work on your self-esteem and maybe think about a relationship in future.

MonkeyPuddle · 15/09/2023 08:27

He can be attracted to more than one type of body. I love shagging DP, but I’m also attracted to others. It’s just normal human behaviour.

Fullspectrum · 15/09/2023 08:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:28

I should have run for the hills when he asked me if I had an orgasm and wanted to know exactly when and if I was lying about it. I should have run for the hills when he told me he's insecure. I should run for the hills knowing he's just settling and having sex with me because he's too insecure to approach the type of woman he's actually physically attracted to. But instead jerks off to them via social media. Yeah ok I should be running too.

OP posts:
Emdubz · 15/09/2023 08:29

Friends with benefits is sex without the emotional connection. It doesn’t matter if there’s an attraction or not, the end goal is sexual satisfaction, no matter how it’s achieved. It’s obviously not for you so just stop doing it.

AuntieEsther · 15/09/2023 08:30

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:28

I should have run for the hills when he asked me if I had an orgasm and wanted to know exactly when and if I was lying about it. I should have run for the hills when he told me he's insecure. I should run for the hills knowing he's just settling and having sex with me because he's too insecure to approach the type of woman he's actually physically attracted to. But instead jerks off to them via social media. Yeah ok I should be running too.

Edited

Why aren't you running for the hills now then?
I get that you're angry with him and fed up with his behaviour. But he's a FWB not a boyfriend. Why not just let him go? Why the drama?

AliOlis · 15/09/2023 08:30

You're really confused, op. He hasn't "just settled" for you, you're not in a relationship.

This really isn't working for you, your expectations are way off.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:30

FWB is physical you are attracted to each other sexually what you're saying makes no sense at all. Being physically attracted to someone you have sex with is not emotional.

OP posts:
AuntieEsther · 15/09/2023 08:31

Emdubz · 15/09/2023 08:29

Friends with benefits is sex without the emotional connection. It doesn’t matter if there’s an attraction or not, the end goal is sexual satisfaction, no matter how it’s achieved. It’s obviously not for you so just stop doing it.

Of course it matters if there is an attraction? FWB is not just about getting an orgasm - if that was it people would just masturbate instead. Personally I'm not going to enjoy sex if I'm not attracted to the person and much as people like to claim otherwise most men feel the same. Just because it's casual doesn't mean you don't need a mutual attraction!

Artesia · 15/09/2023 08:31

You seem fixed on the idea that people have one "type" they are attracted to, and wouldn't find anyone else sexually attractive. Well if you lined my exs up, you'd very quickly realise that's not the case for everyone! Attraction goes way beyond "I like tall/hairy/blonde/muscly" etc- it's about a spark. Even in a FWB scenario you need that more than simply finding someone who adheres to a cookie cutter physical type.

If I were to write down my "type" it would look nothing like DH, but that doesn't mean I don't find him attractive, because he's more than a collection of body parts.

You seem really angry with your FWB, but I really don't see that he has done anything wrong.

Anewnamea · 15/09/2023 08:32

I think you have your answer then OP. This situation and this man are clearly not for you.

Maybe you shouldn’t even bother with the question - which I doubt he’ll answer truthfully- and just make the choice to walk away instead.

FWIW most FWB situations I’ve seen have been very damaging to one or both parties the longer they’ve went on.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:32

He's just settled for me meaning he's only having sex with me because he's too insecure to approach the women he's actually physically attracted to. I explained exactly what I meant I never said we were in a relationship.

OP posts:
Gurthnamuckla · 15/09/2023 08:32

You sound completely unhinged, OP, and as though you’re fundamentally unsuited to the kind of basically friendly, lighthearted connection that a FWB connection requires. Your angry, suspicious, even paranoid responses to this man and other posters, are quite unsettling.

NewName122 · 15/09/2023 08:32

OP don't do that it's weird.

SherbetLemonn · 15/09/2023 08:33

This is all very odd. I don’t think it matters what his answer to your hypothetical question is, as you clearly are certain in your belief he doesn’t find you sexually attractive… despite him having sex with you for a year with absolutely no obligation to do so…
A lot of your issues with the idea that he doesn’t find you to be his exact type seem to go above and beyond a usual no-strings fwb situation. For example, wondering if he’s settling for you. It’s not a relationship, it’s just sex, so ultimately the only thing that matters is that you’re enjoying sleeping with him. With this level of angst, social media stalking and general negativity, I think this arrangement is no longer overly beneficial to you. It seems you want rather more from this that just fwb.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 08:35

Why is he only having sex with me because he's too insecure to approach the women he's actually attracted to?

OP posts:
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