I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

[CandyLollipopw]

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

Sounds like you're just a drama queen and this poor guy should run a mile. You asked was it ok to quiz him about whether he's attracted to you, everyone said no it's not ok and then you proceeded to argue with everyone.

And this man isn’t your ex or your dad. He’ll have completely different thought processes and experiences influencing his behaviour.

Thing is, believe it or not you’re in a fortunate position knowing where your insecurities stem from. Don’t let them become excuses for not moderating your reactions.

If you actually want to build something real here, a conversation along the lines of 'thank you for telling me you felt insecure about whether I was enjoying sex with you, I do, very much, and I'm happy to reassure you about it. I have some insecurities of my own, my dad and my ex both told me men would not find me attractive and so it is a big worry for me, whether you find me sexy"

Or something along those lines.

Oh my gosh.

the fact that he chooses to have sex with you, gets sexually aroused when he's with you and does this repeatedly means he's attracted to you. That's literally what that behaviour means.

The more you describe your relation with this man the less sympathy for your "woe is me" attitude.

By the sound of it he may actually like to try and build an actual relationship with you given he likes spending time with you. He is surely sexually attracted to you and seems to like you, so he is very slowly opening up.

Meanwhile, you're using him to boost your self-esteem, talk to other men and have the audacity to feel offended that he may find other people attractive. He is not a bad guy in this story.

It’s very clear op you want a relationship with him; you consider yourself dating him and you value all the stuff affection, time together etc.that’s more important to you than the sex. You’re offended he isn’t calling it a relationship or dating you.

what is it you want? For him to follow over weight women only , would that be what’s acceptable to you? The only thing? I follow all fitness type blokes on insta, none of them look like my husband. Doesn’t mean I don’t fancy my husband.

are you just looking for a reason that he doesn’t want to date you?you can’t accept what he says at face value, and are looking for a reason as you secretly think it’s your size?

if you’ve so many other options and blokes interested as you say, why not have sex with one of these man who you feel is into your body type? Why continue to shag a man who you think doesn’t fancy you and who doesn’t wish a relationship with you?

Being told by a guy I was with for seven years that another man would not want me because I look a certain way

Men and women are attracted to and get into relationships with all sorts of people with all different types of looks.

Big, skinny, curvy thin, athletic, big boned, petite, tall .... different facial looks ..... Everyone is attracted to different looks and demeanours.

My partner is attracted to tall, fairly skinny, athletic women. He says he is not attracted to pear shaped women. I'm not v tall but am skinny and not remotely pear shaped.
My friend is pear shaped and a good sz 14 or bigger, her husband is attracted to that physical type and (he's filterless) even commented on my figure in a negative light. I've met "boob" men who don't GAF about much else other than a woman having big boobs, I've met the opposite who don't care much about boobs if they are attracted overall to a woman or think her face is pretty.
The hottest Dad at my Lo's s school is a super fit sports coach of some type with a fairly good looking face; his wife is an average build for these times, definitely not skinny, thin or athletic, and not classically pretty, quite large nosed. People are attracted to all different looks.

Your ex is a moron.

His views do not fit with reality.

So why are you living your life according to the decree of a moron?

And a moron who sounds like he wanted to neg you, put you down, emotionally injure you etc.

He was clearly salty as fuck about something and wanted to emotionally punch you and out you down.

He's taking bollocks. Your looks won't attract everyone but they'll attract some people.
I'm skinny and relatively conventionally attractive face wise, but my looks so not attract everyone, by any means.

Oh and "nobody will ever want you" is text book abuser script.

They all say shit like that.

If they can't call you fat or "ugly" - which they couldn't really with me, they'll say "you'll never be happy with anybody" "you're too flaky to make it work with anybody" etc etc. I've been with somebody for 16/17 yrs now.

Stop internalising moronic wanker's opinion, when he wanted he wanted to hurt you and make you insecure at worst, or at best was taking about his physical preferences .... Which are not every man's physical preferences.

Because it's not possible that he might actually like spending time with me? Yeah, I know that's probably unbelievable.

absolutely unbelievable, not like everyone here is saying that he does like you, likes your looks and likes spending time with you🙄 you're the one who seems to not like him

It's being reported because MN sometimes have posters who literally will mock a situation, add their tuppence of cheap humour and judgement and be on their merry way, but won't bat an eyelid to the impact this can have on the OP! And you seem very vulnerable.

Stop it.

There is little point in having a conversation with you when it’s clear you’re only paying attention to what’s going on inside your own head. It’s exhausting and I’m pretty sure reflects the kind of conversation you would have with this guy.

you‘ve clearly got enough insight into yourself that you know exactly what you’re doing and why but not enough to feel valid without your ‘backstory’.

sort yourself out, you’re the only one harmed by this attitude.

‘Just attracted enough to have sex with someone’ and not wanting to be in a relationship with them is pretty much the definition of FWB.

Tbh, OP. I actually understand where you're coming from. Or, at least, how you feel.

Even down to the conflict between recognising that other men are attracted to you but feeling that this man can't be. Your posts are littered with contradictions. And I don't believe you're a tool becaise you'd have to have experience of feeling like this to get it.

It's like on one level - your head level - you know you're attractive and that men find you attractive but on a heart level, it doesn't make sense that this man could find you attractive if he also finds those other women attractive.

They are the real attractive women and you are the "Well, I'm here and he's never going to get one of them so what choice does he have if he wants to have sex?" woman.

Other people telling you that it's possible to find other people attractive feels like they're twisting the knife rather than helping.

You're angry. Angry at your dad and your ex; angry at the media for telling us there's only one sort of attractive woman; angry at yourself for not being one of them (whilst still recognising you're attractive); angry at people on here who don't get it; angry at men who are so predictable...

The thing is, everyone on here is right but that's not going to help you or how you feel.

Troll not tool

I think you've fallen in love with him.

You: "Are you attracted to my body type?"
Him (wanting sex and not being a complete fool): "Yeah."
You: none the wiser.

Only you think that.

as said I think you want more from him, and you think the reason he doesn’t wish to date you is your weight, and his viewing of insta models has given you that confirmation bias. It’s told you you’re right. And you’ve lost the plot.

is it right, it might be, it might not be. You haven’t told us what women like uou look like.

a pp posted something rather smug about her being skinny and her partner being into slim athletic women. I can genuinely say I know a woman who went on and on the same, the post reminded me of her, but her now ex husband Cheated with what she commented was a woman with the “biggest arse she’s ever seen”. And he’s still with the large arse woman.

it’s seldom about body type when it comes right down to it. It’s about compatiblity

I knew the answer to this after the first 7 words

As someone with cripplingly low self-esteem I actually really sympathise with OP.

Thing is, no matter what anyone tells OP, it literally will not matter. She's spent so long being told / believing something else that she can't just turn that off.

It's hard. It hurts.

I think many people can sympathise with low self-esteem based on other people’s vocal criticism of your looks (see current ‘uglies’ thread for heartbreaking stories), but less easy to sympathise with someone aggressively blaming an apparently completely blameless FWB for following women with a different body type on Instagram, and insisting that he’s a liar and hypocrite for ‘pretending to be attracted’ to her.

If you only wanted a FWB, you wouldn't care. The fact you care, and care so much, shows you want more from this guy than a non-commitment shags.

If you are going to have any conversation with him, it would be about how he feels about transitioning into something more, but I think you're too brittle at the moment for this to work. You need to end this with him.

If you think that's what he's doing (because he's not showing you otherwise), the insanity is putting up with it.

I don't think he's the one that's insecure...

Is there someone out there you want a proper relationship with? Him or someone else?

^^Nutshell

You sound like an absolute lunatic and you are not cut out for FWB. He can follow whoever he wants. He can lie to you. He owes you nothing but casual sex and if you suddenly have a problem with that, that’s a YOU problem.