I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

[CandyLollipopw]

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

Why are you on MN asking for advice but attacking everyone that gives you it? 95% of people are saying the same thing but we're all wrong.

Yeah, I thought he did actually enjoy my company. It seemed like he enjoyed having conversations with me. You'd think if a guy told you personal things and had you in his home he'd like your company. This is why it's so confusing and it doesn't make any sense. He even made a comment once about how my face was cute. Guess it's not cute enough huh?

It's just about common decency you know? I would never pretend to enjoy someone's company or act as if I was attracted to a man if I wasn't. I even stopped talking to a guy when I realized I wasn't attracted to him physically. This is what most people would do. They wouldn't continue seeing the person.

But you’re still having sex with a man who you describe here as pathetic, stupid, insecure, a liar… so I presume from your recent post you’ve blocked him then? And stopped seeing him? Because you wouldn’t continue seeing someone you don’t like of course

You have control of this. If you don't think he is up to scratch find someone else.

You are nuts. All this because he follows some random women on Instagram. You are giving solid bunny boiler vibes here. If FWB isnt working for you, accept it and let it go. But this man doesnt owe you anything right now on mutual agreement and you are acting like a crazy lady.

All of them are saying he doesn't have to be attracted to me because we are just FWB. But that doesn't make any sense to me that's so illogical. Because why would a person want to be FWB with someone they aren't even physically attracted to? FWB is physical you're looking at this person's naked body. I can't look at a person's naked body if I'm not turned on by them.

Christ, its sex, I can have just picked a bogey out my face and OH would still get it up if I said "how about it". Are you having some sort of spin out because this is just so intense I dont even know how you've gotten to a year of this.

Ok but you've asked him and he's given you an answer. The same answer, repeatedly. You believe that answer is a lie.

So the only acceptable outcome to you now is him changing that answer.

What difference does it make if he does so?

Are you going to keep shagging him / spending time with him if he says "yeah ok I don't find you physically attractive, I lied"? Presumably not.

So why is it so important to you to push him until you get the answer you deem acceptable?

Your self esteem is not healthy or you'd simply walk away as you believe he is lying to you.

The set up of fwb/fuck buddies means that As long as both parties are willing/comfortable no further justification is needed. I’m not sure what you’ve been cultivating but it’s not that.

you don’t appreciate/like what he’s been talking to you about - use your boundaries and shut down the conversation then. That’s fuck all to do with what he does or doesn’t find sexually attractive about you.

seriously, you’re not cut out for this. You protest that you don’t care when you very clearly do. A no strings a relationship shouldn’t involve scrutinising each others motives or behaviour to this extent. I’m this context self respect doesn’t look like this, self respect looks like walking away.

if you (and I wouldn’t expect you to admit it here) have developed a desire for a deeper relationship with the man, tell him and go from there. If you haven’t then you need to end it. You’re wildly projecting and overstepping the mark.

Your whole point seems predicated on the idea that everyone has one single 'type' and is only attracted to that type, but I'm not sure that's really the case. Benedict Cumberbatch looks nothing like Dwayne Johnson but I bet loads of people are attracted to both. Similarly Kiera Knightley and Ashley Graham. You're allowed to find different looking people attractive, there's no rules.

In any case though you seem very down on yourself, and don't actually seem to like this guy very much, and it's as if you desperately want him to give the answer you want (that he's not attracted to you) so that you can have your unworthiness proved. So I'd suggest this relationship isn't very healthy for you either way.

Just like how he shouldn't be telling me how he doesn't like to share because he's insecure? Since we aren't in a relationship? That's not crazy though right? He's not my boyfriend him being insecure it's my business.

It's just about common decency you know? I would never pretend to enjoy someone's company or act as if I was attracted to a man if I wasn't. I even stopped talking to a guy when I realized I wasn't attracted to him physically. This is what most people would do. They wouldn't continue seeing the person.

But you're spending time in the company of a man you believe is a liar and a creep.

That isn't what most people would do.

That isn't healthy or sensible.

It's self destructive and bizarre.

You're not in a relationship so its your business? Completely the opposite, he owes you nothing, thats not part of the deal. The deal is sex. End of.

All of them are saying he doesn't have to be attracted to me because we are just FWB.

It's nice if he is but no, he doesn't have to answer to you. He's not your boyfriend. He's not going to give a shit of you don't like it. And clearly, you'll still have sex with him regardless.

FWBs domt normally tak about stuff like this. His role is to have sex, there's no other strings there. You can choose to not see him. That's how it goes

But OP male biology dictates that if he wasn't attracted to you at all, not one bit, the sex wouldn't be happening?

You need to decide whether you can accept that you aren't his absolute ideal physical type (but he's still attracted to you), or whether you can't. IMO you don't need to believe you've got the most attractive body type in the world to him. But we're not all the same.

If you can't let it go, the obvious conclusion is to let the whole saga go. If it's just a friends with benefits type arrangement, any sort of agg or interrogation is just too much. Look for someone who exclusively loves your body type - there's plenty of em

To put this very simply for you- in a FWB relationship you are using each other for easy sex. That’s all it is. As long as he’s able to “get it up” and have sex with you, that’s literally all he owes you. It’s as simple as that. You might not be able to have sex with someone you aren’t desperately turned on by, that doesn’t mean everyone else is the same

Have you told him you think he's a liar, insecure etc to his face? I doubt it. Therefore, you are not being honest with him as you say he is not with you so pot.kettle springs to mind.

FWB is purely sex. If attraction comes into it it can make it difficult for either party so no I do not agree with you that he HAS to be sexually attracted to you.

He's not my boyfriend him being insecure it's my business

Neither are his body shape preferences out side of your set up.

you have sex together. I presume that as it’s being going on for a year it’s been a pleasurable experience for you as well as him? That’s all that is relevant to you. Everything else is none of your business.

you are moving the goalposts here. Even him telling you about his ‘insecurities’ isn’t overstepping in the same way. He isn’t probing you, he’s offering a piece of information.

just stop.

No, it's not my business that he feels insecure sexually therefore he shouldn't be telling me this because he's not my boyfriend. His telling me about his failed marriage isn't my business either. Telling me things about his mother isn't my business either because he's not my boyfriend. So yeah...

What is the "so yeah" here? You and this bloke have conversations prior to the sex, most people do talk. I really just dont understand what you want here. If you dont want to continue relations, dont continue them, but pinning him to the wall with a gun to his head asking him whether he thinks you're fit or not is a bit much.

Tell him that then!

it’s literally no indication about how he feels about you sexually.

if you don’t trust his motives then stop seeing him. It’s that simple. None of this ‘I want to give him chance to come clean’ - why? Neither of you are going to gain anything from it if your relationship is just based on hooking up. You’re not about to enter into a mortgage agreement, ultimately his honesty, or lack of it, has no effect on you.

So why have you been talking to him about this stuff if you believe it's not appropriate for him to do so as he's not your boyfriend?

You have agency here.

You're shagging someone you say you now believe has lied to you for the entire year you've been seeing each other.

You're giving headspace to someone you say you now believe has lied to you for the entire time you've been shagging.

You're repeatedly asking the same question to someone you say you now believe has lied to you for the entire time you've been shagging.

Be honest, is there anything he could say that would genuinely convince you he hasn't been lying about being physically attracted to you? If not, and the lie you believe he's been living is a dealbreaker to you, why on earth are you continuing to speak to him?

I don't think a single person has said that he is not attracted to you, you are the only person thinking that.

So what if you're not his 'perfect type', you are more than how sexually attractive you are as a 'type'. I think you have quite a bit of internalised misogyny. You are being too hard on yourself and you are trying to project this on to him.

It seems like you're trying to self sabotage.

Besides key information about his sexual health he owes you nothing not even the truth I'm regards to what he attracted to.

I think you would benefit from looking up exactly what no strings sex means.