Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 14 15 16

Original poster

I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

376 replies

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 07:47

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 15:34

OP if this is real, you just aren’t listening to what anybody is telling you. Almost every person on this thread has told you that this is a you problem but you don’t want to hear that.

If you don’t like him, or respect him, or you think he’s with you for the wrong reasons, just stop seeing him.

PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 15:34

So if he said “wow” when he first saw you, why do you think he doesn’t fancy you?

PaintedEgg · 15/09/2023 15:35

@CandyLollipopw that's the thing about FWB - it is a half-measure and people "settle" for what they can get. it's definitely not for people with serious insecurities because in reality your f-buddy doesn't even have to like you as a person

whatever angle you take, this man is attracted to you just enough to have sex and nothing else

and there are few single men who would pass on an opportunity to sleep with a model, c'mon, what's so new about it?

PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 15:35

Also, a FWB arrangement where he is exclusively sleeping with you is an odd one. Why aren’t you dating?

Cupcakekiller · 15/09/2023 15:42

It's very different following models and celebs than being attracted to someone in person. My ideal men all have six packs and muscles but in reality I'm very attracted to my FWB with middle age spread & skinny arms & legs. I'm not perfect physically either.

Original poster

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 15:43

I am not sleeping with anyone else I do talk to other men and have been asked out on dates. But I haven't been out with other men. Because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now.

The thing I have going with this guy is somewhat convenient. Because I like having my space. But I can usually call him when I want some affection and when I need to relax and get away from everyday life. For me spending time with him is like a safe place. Where I get to go and relax, watch movies, eat, cuddle talk, etc. And then I separate and go back to my everyday life. And it repeats when I want to see him again. Yes, I like him how could I not after seeing him for this long? But that doesn't mean I'm in love with him or that I want to be in a relationship with him. I'm comfortable spending time with him.

He said he doesn't have sex with anyone else and that he doesn't socialize. I asked him if he was looking for a hookup when he was on the dating app and he said he wasn't. And that he was actually looking for someone. He was married years ago and he ended up getting a divorce. He hasn't told me what exactly happened only that "people change" and that they both did things that hurt each other. And he was sure that his ex-wife probably had someone else while they were together. He's said he doesn't want to get married again he likes living alone.

I'll admit that the sex isn't the best but he does turn me on. It's not always about having an orgasm I mean other things feel good sexually. But he says he is insecure so it makes me wonder if he's only having sex with me. Because I don't judge him based on his sexual performance.

I enjoy his company and I assumed he enjoyed mine but seeing what he's attracted to makes me think he doesn't like me physically. Even though he makes it seem like he does.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 15/09/2023 15:46

he could lie, obviously, as honesty is not something you should really expect from this sort of set-up

and by the sound of it you're the one who settled, not him

SheIIy · 15/09/2023 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think it's a troll there's nothing out of this world about this post. The only odd thing is that it's an FWB rather than a woman in a relationship. People are upset by their partners follows all the time

I'm amazed that anyone has the balls to stay on such a thread though, especially with already low self esteem

Cornettoninja · 15/09/2023 15:55

It’s interesting you say you’re not interested in a relationship because it sounds very much to me like you’re in one. It’s definitely not fwb, more like low level ‘seeing’ someone with the potential to turn into more. If that’s not what you want then you need to put the brakes on it because your boundaries are getting fucked up.

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 15:58

If he doesn't socialize it could be he is more introverted like myself and that would explain the insecurities as well. Could also be he's been through a shit time, and although he wasn't looking for a hookup he's decided to do something different this time after speaking to you.

As in, maybe he does actually like you and finds you attractive but being the way he is, he's more insecure and doesn't understand you don't want that aspect.

This would perhaps also explain why he's checking on you afterwards. I know I prefer to know both had a good time, not in like a win but it feels better knowing you got something out of it too.

Just because he's looking at other women doesn't mean he prefers them over you. I can appreciate other women's attractiveness but that generally doesn't sway me from the person I'm seeing as they mean something.

Although you're looking at it as FWB, he's been married in a committed relationship. That may be an adjustment he hasn't quite fully made yet, coming out of what he's used to.

Original poster

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 16:00

When I spend time with him I feel good. I like going to his place eating and relaxing. That does make me feel good but still, how do I know he's actually attracted to me physically? I mean what clues do I look for? Other than him telling me he thinks my face is cute. How else am I supposed to know that he's into me physically? He likes the things that I do to him I do know that. But in terms as to if he's attracted to me I have no way of knowing this. Sometimes he kisses me when we aren't having sex.

I mean should he be touching me a certain way for me to know that he's into me physically?

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 15/09/2023 16:02

I mean should he be touching me a certain way for me to know that he's into me physically?

in a certain way? No.

Oblomov23 · 15/09/2023 16:02

I've reported but MNHQ says thread is fine because no guidelines have been broken. I too doubt it's a troll. OP is clearly well versed on what MN Guidelines are and how to cleverly circumnavigate them.

HungryWisdom · 15/09/2023 16:03

You just seem to be having a rambling conversation with yourself at this point.

Either accept yourself for who you are and appreciate the fact that men can find you attractive, or lose the weight so ‘men can pick you up during sex’ 🙄

And find a new therapist.

Oblomov23 · 15/09/2023 16:03

Thick skinned at least!

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 16:05

You know he finds you attractive because he's spending time with you and doing all these things with you, alongside sex. Honestly, if he didn't he wouldn't even be entertaining it, introverted or not.

I bet you any money it's the other way around and actually he would prefer a relationship...but he won't say that because you are FWB.

Original poster

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 16:11

Just enough to have sex with me and nothing else? I wonder if that's why he tells me his personal business. And why does he spend hours of time with me (not having sex)? I'd think he'd ask me to leave right after the sex if he's just attracted enough to have sex with me.

OP posts:

marymungoNminge · 15/09/2023 16:13

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 16:11

So now you do think he's attracted to you?

Onelifeonly · 15/09/2023 16:14

Sorry but this is crazy. You enjoy your time with him and you have sex but you can't believe he is attracted to you? I'm attracted to Idris Elba but none of the partners I've had have ever looked remotely like him. Does that mean I was not attracted to them? One person can be attracted to many different types, it's as simple as that.

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 16:15

Likely because he enjoys your company and likes you as a person, not just someone to have sex with and go back to what he was doing previously.

PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 16:15

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 16:15

Likely because he enjoys your company and likes you as a person, not just someone to have sex with and go back to what he was doing previously.

Exactly

PaintedEgg · 15/09/2023 16:18

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 16:11

he is probably using you the same way you're using him: for sex and company. someone to occupy time

unless you actually want to date him and he seems willing...in which case what is your problem?

Original poster

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 16:21

I'll try my best to get over my insecurities I'll admit that I am self-conscious about how I look. But it's because of how I've been treated in the past. No one would really understand unless you've actually been through what I've been through. Being told by a guy I was with for seven years that another man would not want me because I look a certain way does this. Being told growing up that men aren't attracted to women who look like me.

And then you meet a guy and it actually seems like he's attracted to you. You get excited because you think you've found someone who likes you for you. Only to see he's following models and skinny women so yeah it's pretty difficult not to assume the worse.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 15/09/2023 16:22

why is it so hard to accept that he may be attracted both to you and those models?

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 16:26

If he is introverted, we don't tick like the others and that's been the same with others I know like myself. We feel shit more than most, generally been hurt a lot and are more understanding of others.

The downside to that is, just like you, we are insecure because we too have been made to feel inadequate or worthless by arseholes.

He may be doing that, he's opening up to you because he feels comfortable with you, you are different to others. If you can make him comfortable, sex will likely improve, he may be not doing as well due to his own insecurities and that's why he's checking.

Don't worry about looking at others, that doesn't mean he's wanting them like others may do. Likelihood is he's happy with you they are not comparable in that sense.

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 14 15 16

Swipe left for the next trending thread