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Original poster

I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

376 replies

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 07:47

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

OP posts:
Remona · 15/09/2023 12:02

Christ on a bike, how he has put up with this for a year I have no idea. He’s either a saint or desperate for a shag.

We’re all wasting our time and going round in circles here. You seem incredibly intense. FWB is supposed to be fun, no strings. This all sounds anything but fun.

Original poster
CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 12:02

So you have sex with people you don't find physically attractive? I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this. Most people I know talk about how they find the people who they have sex with attractive. So please tell me how this is possible. I'm serious I'd really like to understand how this works for future reference. Do you close your eyes and not look at the person during sex? How does this work? Can you also cuddle with someone you aren't physically attracted to? Can you kiss them too? How does a person do all this with someone they aren't physically attracted to? I'd personally be turned off. So explain how people do this.

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 12:02

“All of them are saying he doesn't have to be attracted to me because we are just FWB”

I don’t think anyone has said this! Posters, including me, are all saying that he can be attracted to skinny instagram girls AND to you.

PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 12:03

“So you have sex with people you don't find physically attractive?”

who has said this, OP??

Cornettoninja · 15/09/2023 12:04

It seems like you're trying to self sabotage

I can see shades of that but I don’t think that’s completely whatever this is. Controlling maybe?

What I do see is someone who can’t admit to themselves that they’re actually quite emotionally attached a fwb and is trying to pass off their attached, emotional reaction as something that conforms to detached reaction. ‘I don’t care but….’

Beelips · 15/09/2023 12:04

So much helpful insight, reason and suggestions on this thread yet none of it seems to be getting through to the OP….

I’d repeat: This is not a healthy situation for you OP, end this arrangement, but I feel it will fall on deaf ears again.

Mauricemossy · 15/09/2023 12:05

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 12:02

So you have sex with people you don't find physically attractive? I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this. Most people I know talk about how they find the people who they have sex with attractive. So please tell me how this is possible. I'm serious I'd really like to understand how this works for future reference. Do you close your eyes and not look at the person during sex? How does this work? Can you also cuddle with someone you aren't physically attracted to? Can you kiss them too? How does a person do all this with someone they aren't physically attracted to? I'd personally be turned off. So explain how people do this.

What? So you think the only person that does is your fwb?

EddieMunson · 15/09/2023 12:05

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 12:02

So you have sex with people you don't find physically attractive? I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this. Most people I know talk about how they find the people who they have sex with attractive. So please tell me how this is possible. I'm serious I'd really like to understand how this works for future reference. Do you close your eyes and not look at the person during sex? How does this work? Can you also cuddle with someone you aren't physically attracted to? Can you kiss them too? How does a person do all this with someone they aren't physically attracted to? I'd personally be turned off. So explain how people do this.

I mean, I’ve had sex with men I probably wasn’t particularly into because I wanted to have sex. I don’t think that’s too unusual. Like, if you’re really hungry you’ll eat what’s available (within reason), and not hold out for your favourite meal.

PansyPolly · 15/09/2023 12:07

Honestly, if I was this guy who had been having sex with you for a year and realised you were calling me a liar, berating my insecurities on MN and stalking my social media, I think I would want to finish the arrangement any way.

Catsafterme · 15/09/2023 12:10

You are contradicting yourself a fair bit.

It sounds as though you want a FWB scenario where nothing is shared, which is fair enough but that would imply you just want sex. However, you're pushing for answers to something that would perhaps be seen as opening up to sharing things more and not just about sex.

You say that all men shag anything in sight even those they don't find attractive. Now you're questioning how others can have sex with those they don't find attractive...as that's not possible.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps he likes you more than you think, your looks and you as a person and that's why he's sharing. If you don't want that detail, tell him not to.

Unless that man is an absolute gargoyle, most men wouldn't have sex with someone they don't find attractive, especially not a year. You can't accuse him of lying, he's done nothing wrong other than look at other women, doesn't mean he finds those more attractive than you.

AramintaLee · 15/09/2023 12:16

You're massively overthinking this, OP.

It is entirely possible to be attracted to more than one body type. He might fancy slim models, but he also might fancy curvy women. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

You're making a lot of assumptions considering you haven't even asked him (I don't think you should ask him for what it's worth!) and you're not coming off very well by calling him stupid and pathetic.

At the end of the day, men will have sex with almost anything. If it's offered on a plate, they're not usually overly bothered about how the goods are packaged.

I think maybe you're more invested in this than he is? Or you're wanting more than a FWB situation? In which case maybe that's the conversation you should be having with him rather than asking him if he's sexually attracted to you (there isn't one man who would say no to that - they're not stupid and they know when they're being backed into a corner)

GoryBory · 15/09/2023 12:16

OP you just need to end things with him.

You are going to get hurt else.

End things with him today and then sign up to a dating site.

You find have to go through some idiots but eventually you’ll find someone who actually wants to date you and not just use you for sex.

There is nothing wrong with having a FWB but you’ve wasted a year on a man who doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend to have sex with.

Don’t waste any more time on someone who could find a girlfriend and drop you any day now.

GoryBory · 15/09/2023 12:18

Beelips · 15/09/2023 12:04

So much helpful insight, reason and suggestions on this thread yet none of it seems to be getting through to the OP….

I’d repeat: This is not a healthy situation for you OP, end this arrangement, but I feel it will fall on deaf ears again.

Edited

I completely agree.

Fullspectrum · 15/09/2023 12:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

monsteramunch · 15/09/2023 12:25

OP be honest, is there anything he could say that would genuinely convince you he hasn't been lying about being physically attracted to you?

If not, and the lie you believe he's been living is a dealbreaker to you, why on earth are you continuing to speak to him / give this headspace?

You need to work on your self esteem.

QueenBitch666 · 15/09/2023 12:27

Oh the drama 🤣🤣🤣

Janieforever · 15/09/2023 12:29

Oh op. This is so unhealthy. You have agency and personal responsibility. You do not need to have sex with anyone if you don’t wish. It is not mandatory you have sex with this man. if you have sex with him it’s a proactive choice you’re making.

are you his preferred body type. Possibly not. Does that mean he finds you unattractive. Probably not. Would he chose something he can’t currently get if he could. Possibly so. He’s not asked you for a relationship. To be his girlfriend, declared love. It’s sex and companionship.

you can’t demand he only fancies your type of body. You can stop having sex with him.

you do sound like you need help. Counselling, therapy, I don’t know. But what you’re posting is deeply unhealthy. As is what you’re doing in your private life.

Beinpeace · 15/09/2023 12:31

My God! You're exhausting in how adamant you are to 'prove a point'. You have an opinion and belief on something, but to got the lengths you have on here to prove it, is beyond me! You do realise you're not changing anyones mind right? If you confront your bf, sorry, fuck buddy, I hope its not with the same level of force and aggression, especially considering you have literally been his booty call and ears when he's bored or horny or both!

crumblylancs · 15/09/2023 12:32

Your whole "relationship" is based on sex.. if he wasn't sexually attracted to you he wouldn't be having sex with you.

I pray this is another ridiculous troll thread which there seems to be many recently because surely people aren't this odd

RandomForest · 15/09/2023 12:40

Was it ever requested that he must find you sexually attractive at the beggining of the FWB verbal contract.

I doubt it, you decided to have sex with him because you were attracted to him, maybe he decided to have sex with you because you were available, convienient for proximatey and willing to find him attractive, service his needs and feed his ego.

You wanting to know what goes on in his head is a different requirement, more akin to a relationship, he doesn't owe you his loyalty.

You are free to terminate the contract whenever you choose, if you decide this man is lying to you and is 'using' you because he cannot attain his perfect woman, then move on, nothing is lost, no promises were made.

You sound angry with him and if's he's got any sense he will end the union because it's apparent you are not happy now, you want more and I can see this ending in tears.

Women are basically different from men, they do find it difficult separating emotions from sex.

I personally find FWB disengenuous, women offering to have sex with men for very little return other than sex, women having sex with men who are essentially out of their leaugue but hoping for more. Sounds harsh but it's a reality, men sometimes will deal with quantity over quality, whereas women tend to be quality over quantity.

Dump him and find someone who you truly believes wants to see you naked.

Cornettoninja · 15/09/2023 12:43

CandyLollipopw · 15/09/2023 12:02

So you have sex with people you don't find physically attractive? I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this. Most people I know talk about how they find the people who they have sex with attractive. So please tell me how this is possible. I'm serious I'd really like to understand how this works for future reference. Do you close your eyes and not look at the person during sex? How does this work? Can you also cuddle with someone you aren't physically attracted to? Can you kiss them too? How does a person do all this with someone they aren't physically attracted to? I'd personally be turned off. So explain how people do this.

I'd really like to understand how this works for future reference

it works however it works for each individual person. If you want to understand it then research. It might not be how you see the world be people can and do.

Fwiw, no one I find attractive in pictures/on screen would probably do it for me in real life. I’ve tried similar and they have left me cold. Sexual connections are built on far more than surface appearances ime.

AuntieEsther · 15/09/2023 12:47

You're not going to get any help from us, your therapist or yourself until you admit what the real issue is. You like him more than FWB, you're confused by his behaviour and are feeling vulnerable and foolish. Get to the heart of the real problem and then ask for help.

by the way no men don't get hard for any woman. What a ridiculous thing to say.

HungryWisdom · 15/09/2023 12:50

You’ve really got your knickers in a twist over this, haven’t you?!

Just bin him off and find someone else to have sex with. Problem solved.

Are you obese?

MMmomDD · 15/09/2023 13:01

OP - this thread is mental.

The issue is made up - and is all in your head. Somehow you don’t believe the guy can be attracted to you and enjoy your company.

He tells you so. - you assume he is acting.
You and him have regular sex - you assume he is faking it somehow.

It’s your insecurities reading into his SM that somehow he is pretending….

Men (and women) find all
kinds of people attractive. Skinny model looking people are often on SM seeking attention/followers. Regular people find them attractive - so follow them.
Regular people also find regular/bigger people attractive. But they don't need to follow their SM accounts to prove that.

You should stop seeing him. You are acting like a crazy jealous person in a long term committed relationship.
Maybe FWB isn’t a setup you can be in.

marymungoNminge · 15/09/2023 13:02

Look, candy, it's unanimous that you are completely and utterly wrong, but you won't listen because your tHeRiPiSt has said she understands.

I'm reporting too as I'm convinced you are vulnerable / unwell or just on a joy hunt to wind everyone up.

One last thing, you said 'He sure is a good actor I mentioned how I like coming over and being able to drink coffee and relax. I saw him smiling about that. What an idiot the fact that he pretends to actually like my company is pure insanity.'

Sorry to be blunt, but what the fuck are you on about? You also keep pointing out that you spend time looking at each others naked bodies. When I'm having sex with my husband or any past men for that matter, I don't really spend anytime looking at their bodies, really. Just, you know, doing the deed etc.

Are you wanting him to draw you like one of his instagram models French girls?