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Original poster

Personality disorder(s)

191 replies

Cherrypop23 · 12/09/2023 20:25

Been with my bf a year and half, and we have recently discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future. Nothing immediate, but possibly over the next year.
As part of this discussion we have had some more serious conversations, and he did disclose that he has a personality disorder with a bad rep. I knew that he was seeing a therapist regularly, but I never pried since he hadn't volunteered any information about it.

Part of me is heartbroken that he never told me before, and I feel somewhat betrayed, but I also feel guilty for thinking this because that's obviously the reason why he didn't tell me. He is stable and reliable, has a very good job, and he is very self aware, incredibly intuitive and attentive most of the time. I know that he has done nothing wrong, and now I feel like a bitch for questioning his personality because of a label :(

He said he wanted me to know because he doesn't want to keep it secret from me, which I appreciate, but now I wonder if this is some sort of a test? Though he has never done anything like that before.

I really don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate that I do not have first hand knowledge on this topic. One of my friends is dating a guy with a PD and he is constantly threatening suicide etc and she is a wreck so maybe I am just tarring a whole group with one brush. I am talking cluster B here, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 12/09/2023 20:29

How does this disorder present itself?

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/09/2023 20:29

In him, I mean.

Original poster
Cherrypop23 · 12/09/2023 20:50

I can just describe it as more distant or aloof at times, a bit too intense at other times. He can be frustrated and come across as a bit arrogant when he thinks that others don't make sense, but it's rare. I have not witnessed anything bad or worrying

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 12/09/2023 20:53

If we're talking narcissistic then you need to run a mile.

Bunnyhair · 12/09/2023 20:55

Well, it’s not a ‘label’ but a mental health diagnosis, and to qualify for it he will have struggled long-term with a number of emotional and behavioural ‘symptoms’. I’d suggest having a conversation with him about how it impacts his life and relationships, what support he has (bearing in mind that there is little meaningful PD support on the NHS), etc.

By all means go into it with an open mind, but as in any relationship, it’s a good idea to clarify for yourself what’s a dealbreaker and what your boundaries are - and remind yourself that you are absolutely allowed to stick to them, regardless of his triggers or vulnerabilities. And that you are also always free to leave, regardless of how this might activate any abandonment issues or rejection sensitivity for him.

Bonelly · 12/09/2023 21:04

How did he come to have the pd diagnosed? I'd run from npd or antisocial pd.

Original poster
Cherrypop23 · 12/09/2023 21:19

Bonelly · 12/09/2023 21:04

How did he come to have the pd diagnosed? I'd run from npd or antisocial pd.

It's one of these.
He said he used to be bad and very angry but that he stuck to therapy once he realised that it helped him. Obviously this was before I met him.

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 12/09/2023 21:31

It strikes me that you talk a lot in your OP about feeling bad or guilty for having any doubts, or reconsidering the relationship. Really watch out for this.

If you find yourself feeling guilty a lot in this relationship, or questioning whether your thoughts or feelings are acceptable, or feeling at any point like you might be a bad person for considering your own interests and happiness, have a close look at what is going on in the relationship, seek therapy for yourself, and remember once again that your feelings are yours, and don’t have to flatter him or accommodate him or take into account his mood.

Bonelly · 12/09/2023 21:33

Ok so presuming it's anti social. I'd really run from NPD btw. Well so many questions you'll want to contemplate. How long ago. What exactly did he do. Who diagnosed him and how did he get in front of them. Does he have a trauma background?

ClementWeatherToday · 12/09/2023 21:36

I have no experience of NPD but having witnessed up close the horror of a close family member's relationship with a man with antisocial personality disorder I would run an absolute mile if it's that.

I have heard ASPD described by a psychiatrist as "like a psychopath only not as intelligent or charming" and from my personal experience (I knew my family member's ex for several years and saw him roughly weekly during this time) this is spot on.

The relationship turned out to have all sorts of terrible abuse going on from him to her - emotional, financial, physical, sexual. Of course, she didn't see any of that until she was married to him and after they had a child it escalated awfully again (abuse often escalates.at points like that when they think you're trapped with them and won't leave). Her leaving him involved social services and the police.

He said he used to be bad and very angry but that he stuck to therapy once he realised that it helped him.

I used to think of my cousin's ex like this. That he'd been an angry teenager but had straightened out as he got older. Turned out nope, he got worse.

InternetE3plorer · 12/09/2023 21:38

Wise words from @Bunnyhair .

@Cherrypop23 What reason did he give you for concealing this crucial piece of information from you for 18 months ?

Bonniethewestie · 12/09/2023 21:46

All PD’s are is a cluster of behaviour traits/examples grouped together. They aren’t an ‘illness’ exactly. Most professionals are wary about diagnosing anyone with one for the exact reason that ‘googling’ these things leads to reading about the extremes and giving a bad reputation.

The truth is whatever it is will likely be the result of things that have happened in his past. Hes had/having therapy which shows someone willing to work on themselves and acknowledge things. That is massive and the people I would be vastly more wary of are the ones in denial/refusing help.

Hes been honest with you and it was clearly a big deal for him to tell you. If there were no red flags before I don’t think there should be now. To write off an otherwise happy and great relationship over a label would be ridiculous.

However, saying that I would just make sure you understand his past, identify triggers and be aware of signs of things going backwards etc. Maybe taking basic precautions like making sure you keep some finances separate etc.

People on here will scaremonger and say things like don’t go near this PD etc with no knowledge at all of your partner. You can’t judge everyone with the same hat. It would be like thinking everyone with depression is miserable to be around and at the end of the day it’s backdated and uneducated thinking sadly.

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 21:52

What is his job. How old are you and can you give us a little about your own background/family/relationship with your parents. This is a huge warning he is giving you. The fact that you are feeling a shred of guilt suggests you are a vulnerable target.

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 21:54

Bonniethewestie · 12/09/2023 21:46

All PD’s are is a cluster of behaviour traits/examples grouped together. They aren’t an ‘illness’ exactly. Most professionals are wary about diagnosing anyone with one for the exact reason that ‘googling’ these things leads to reading about the extremes and giving a bad reputation.

The truth is whatever it is will likely be the result of things that have happened in his past. Hes had/having therapy which shows someone willing to work on themselves and acknowledge things. That is massive and the people I would be vastly more wary of are the ones in denial/refusing help.

Hes been honest with you and it was clearly a big deal for him to tell you. If there were no red flags before I don’t think there should be now. To write off an otherwise happy and great relationship over a label would be ridiculous.

However, saying that I would just make sure you understand his past, identify triggers and be aware of signs of things going backwards etc. Maybe taking basic precautions like making sure you keep some finances separate etc.

People on here will scaremonger and say things like don’t go near this PD etc with no knowledge at all of your partner. You can’t judge everyone with the same hat. It would be like thinking everyone with depression is miserable to be around and at the end of the day it’s backdated and uneducated thinking sadly.

This is not good advice.

tooearlyallthetime · 12/09/2023 21:57

This is hard because such a big part of me wants to say people can change and therapy is helpful. But also it is hard to be in a relationship with someone with an issue like that even if they are working on it. With my very remote talking to an anonymous stranger on the internet hat on I would say there will be someone else who isn't having to fix this issue and you should go find them.

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 21:58

"Most professionals are wary about diagnosing anyone with one for the exact reason that ‘googling’ these things leads to reading about the extremes and giving a bad reputation."

Translate this please. I don't understand this.

Original poster
Cherrypop23 · 12/09/2023 22:04

Bonniethewestie · 12/09/2023 21:46

All PD’s are is a cluster of behaviour traits/examples grouped together. They aren’t an ‘illness’ exactly. Most professionals are wary about diagnosing anyone with one for the exact reason that ‘googling’ these things leads to reading about the extremes and giving a bad reputation.

The truth is whatever it is will likely be the result of things that have happened in his past. Hes had/having therapy which shows someone willing to work on themselves and acknowledge things. That is massive and the people I would be vastly more wary of are the ones in denial/refusing help.

Hes been honest with you and it was clearly a big deal for him to tell you. If there were no red flags before I don’t think there should be now. To write off an otherwise happy and great relationship over a label would be ridiculous.

However, saying that I would just make sure you understand his past, identify triggers and be aware of signs of things going backwards etc. Maybe taking basic precautions like making sure you keep some finances separate etc.

People on here will scaremonger and say things like don’t go near this PD etc with no knowledge at all of your partner. You can’t judge everyone with the same hat. It would be like thinking everyone with depression is miserable to be around and at the end of the day it’s backdated and uneducated thinking sadly.

I know why he is nc with his family, and I know some of his "ticks" but I don't think there are any triggers as such because is usually really calm and unfazed.
I don't want to judge him based on things I read so I thought looking for experiences might help.

OP posts:
Spopssas · 12/09/2023 22:05

The NP-Disordered person often flags this up to their targets. It's a tool in their box to obtain supply. The target feels shame and guilt for questioning their hard work at overcoming their disorder. This makes them cling on in the hope that their kind nature will continue to help the disordered person heal. The Narcissict often presents as having a good job and stable background.

Original poster
Cherrypop23 · 12/09/2023 22:07

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 21:52

What is his job. How old are you and can you give us a little about your own background/family/relationship with your parents. This is a huge warning he is giving you. The fact that you are feeling a shred of guilt suggests you are a vulnerable target.

He's 10 years older than me and works in business/ finance. My relationship with my parents is ok and I am not from a dysfunctional family in case that's what you were asking.
I am sure that he is stable because I know some of his long time friends and also his ex who he was with for several years, and they remained friendly.

OP posts:
random9876 · 12/09/2023 22:08

By not telling you for 18 months about his diagnosis, your bf has chosen to protect himself - understandably, I get it.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but don‘t let guilt be a factor in your decision-making. Explore, consider and choose what you think will give you a good life. You should protect your own interests too

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 22:09

"I don't want to judge him based on things I read so I thought looking for experiences might help."

Why are you reading things about it? Has he advised you too or alluded to the disorder?

Do not move in with him.

I have first hand experience of the disordered person and will happily share with you. And every other tom dick and harry because if he has said its NPD or anti-social cluster, you really don't want to get mixed up.

You need the name and number of his therapist first - and he needs to give this therapist permission to diuscuss his treatment with you.
I expect there is no such therapist. Please be wise.

kittybiscuits · 12/09/2023 22:13

Seconding this. It's terrible advice. Really ill-informed.

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 22:14

You have only known him a year and a half. He is ten years older than you. What is his previous relationship history? You have a right and a need to know, since he has given you a very serious piece of information about himself. If he is on a genuine therapy path and is serious about you, he should be willing to provide information that is evidenced.

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 22:19

Why is he no contact with his family?

Spopssas · 12/09/2023 22:26

My guess is, you are a lovely young woman who is being made to feel very special - and now guilty - by this predator. A person who has a diagnosed NPD or anti-social PD, and has been in legitimate therapy for so long, would not conceal it.